Friday, September 30, 2011

Fantasy Baseball...Remember That?

3 1/2 weeks into fantasy football season, I approach you, fellow CABC-ers, as a winner. Sure, Baiters Gonna 'Bait is 1-2, but SKR's fantasy baseball team is 2011 champion. Sure, you will all say that you stopped playing... or for that matter, never played. But, my friends, as General Patton once said, a win is a win is a win.

update: broken pics fixed. As an apology, enjoy this gigantic cache of arrested development .gif's. If promises of 10 more shows and a movie don't get you hard, then Will Arnett may just not be your type.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


In an attempt to pad my ego, this week's preview will be available after the jump. Thanks for your understanding.

Where does Ron Washington stand on the issues facing our country?
He doesn't like HPV--or retardation. However, he is worried about the economy and its effect on cigarette prices.

Holy. Shit.

This just blew my mind.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Not Picture: Blaine Gabbert

Dear Seattle, San Francisco, Cincinnati, Jacksonville, and Indianapolis,

I'd like to remind you that there is a perfectly decent QB currently sitting on the waiver wire. That QB is Silky Garrard. In addition to providing adequate play at the quarterback position for your team, Mr. Garrard boasts a wide array of plus-sized, under-aged Asian ladies of the evening that would be an asset to any metropolitan area.

I realize that some of you are actively sabotaging your own season in order to draft Andrew Luck. Only one of you will win that lottery. The rest of you will be stuck with your current starter.

The question is this: do you feel lucky?

If you don't, Silky is the man for the job.


ARB, The Selfish Airboats
Concerned owner of David Garrard

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Week 3 Review: The Cream Rises to the Top

How do you like me now? How do you like me now?
Welp, after only 3 games, BEN and ARB are alone at the top. Raise your hand if you didn't see this coming? Nobody? Okay, good.

Turtle Power
I'd like to congratulate BEN on his week 3 Championship, as well as his new team name.

Yes, they are.
I'd like to congratulate JBF on his first win of the season. This is the highest winning percentage your team has had in over a year.  I hope it feels good to be back.

MMB (left) and RER (right)
Wecome to Tainstman Tracker™. MMB and RER, two winless wonders played in a barn-burner this week to determine the league's worst team. I'd like to congratulate MMB for pulling out the win, and turning his team's season around. RER, it could be a long season. Time to smash the panic button and make a terrible trade. This has been Tainstman Tracker™.

On your left, naturally gifted and extremely athletic. On your right, hard working and blue-collar; a coach on the field.
Wes Welker is your Week 3 MVP. He put up a positively workmanlike 43 points in a gritty display of hard-workmanship.

Chipmunks love ATVs. #FakeSnappleFact
In unrelated news, I'll be in town next weekend from Thursday afternoon to Monday morning.

The Schedule
Friday: We attend the fair, dinner at Mico.
Saturday: We attend the fair again, dinner at Mico again.
Sunday: We go watch the Cowboys destroy the Lions at the Deathstar.

Alright, Good talk. See you out there.

RIP: Rest in Peppermint

Jerry Haynes who played Mr. Peppermint on the long-running WFAA-TV kids
show of the same name, died at age 84 Monday of complications from Parkinson’s disease.

I invite you all to honor his memory with me by drinking a ton of Rumple Minze and playing FIFA 12.

Monday, September 26, 2011

If CABC were Turtles

In honor of September 27th being Turtle Appreciation Day, what a better way to honor Canada's most historic holiday than pairing famous turtles to CABC members. Oh, you are unfamiliar with TAD? In 1993, three turtles from Brooklyn, Buffalo and New Orleans decided to form a land of their own in the desolate wilderness of America's hat. At the Annual National Amphibian-Reptile League meeting in Sacramento, the three turts convinced the rest of their species and strange people with funny ascents and ignorance for sports to emigrate North, thus forming Canada.

Enough about TAD! To the pairings!

MNF: Redskins at Cowboys!

Spoiler Alert: The indians die of smallpox, the cowboys go on to create western civilization.
Analysis after the jump.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Cam Newton: Kitten Fighter

The face of a monster
CABC EXCLUSIVE: Cam Newton has been running a secret underground kitten fighting ring. We have an inside look at this shocking bloodsport. Viewer discretion advised. 

Saturday, September 24, 2011


Kittens (1-1) at Raditude (0-2)
It was not until Week 11 that JBF won a game last season and he’s off to a great start if he plans on beating this feat in 2011. His quest to make history almost came to a halt last week until Michael Turner saved the day and won the game for both SKC and the Falcons. Raditude should have no trouble losing this week as his injured offense and nonexistent defense go up against a strong Kittens team. Chris Johnson is starting to find his stride and should be able to put up big points against a Denver team that allowed Run-DMC 150 yards in Week 1. 
Game. Set. Match. Kittens.
Tit Gypsies (1-1) at Clipboard (1-1)
It is still early in the season, but right now the leading wide receivers are Steve Smith and Kenny Britt. Averaging almost 30 points per week, Britt guarantees GMF will stay competitive even if Mick Vick is not 100%. It will be interesting to see what offensive lineup SKCanley uses to counter this week. Cedric Benson has not been stunning and Rashard Mendenhall has nowhere to go but up following the Steelers Week 1 meltdown. Even the guaranteed 10 points from Bradshaw is better than the dice-roll that is Benson and the Cincinnati Bungals.
GMF has been getting HAMmered for years
Bye Week (0-2) at Hangover (0-2)
Both teams are already beat to shit, but I’ve got to give the edge to RER. The Hangovers have Eli and Nicks going up against a mean Philadelphia secondary and Old Man McNabb facing the rival Lions. Hard to put faith in a starting lineup of rookies Cam Newton and Daniel Thomas, but they’re the healthiest guys on the Bye Weeks and both players face joke defenses. The unfortunate thing is one of these guys actually has to win a game this weekend, and the other will be one week closer to a cool case of 12-step juice. 
I just Meme'd the shit out of MMB
Baiters (1-1) at Ninja (2-0)
For all his unwillingness to fully participate, it’s nice to see BEN changing his name and adopting a new persona for 2011. The Ninjas (nee Assholes) picked up Ben Tate post-draft, but he remains in the starting lineup racking up points in Arian Foster’s absence. Greg Jennings caught only two passes last week for the Baiters, but one was for a touchdown. Despite these low numbers, Jennings is more of a sure thing than league leading receiver Steve Smith, whose performance has been helped by Cam Newton’s hot start as much as he’s been hurt by the rookie QB’s four picks through two weeks.
Projection: BEN is the Brown one, SKR's Head is the Pumpkin

Airboats (2-0) at Repeat (2-0)
Week 3’s spotlight matchup is a clash of undefeated teams in the Selfish Airboats and the Repeats. When it comes to the Airboats and their fearless owner, it’s the classic tale of always the bridesmaid and never the bride. He is the perennial scoring leading, but the CABC title has always somehow eluded him. ARB has a serious case of Peyton Manning Syndrome, known in the medical world as PMS. The need for success can lead to dysphoria, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, and sensitive nipples. There’s no telling how long ARB can go on living with these symptoms. Even if 2011 is the year he turns things around and wins, some doctors say that PMS patients could suffer from bloating and a “chronic pain-in-ass”. I know I’m not alone in praying to the Football Gods for our friend and his health.
A Glimpse into the Mind of ARB

Friday, September 23, 2011


You forgot about this, didn't you?
I forgot to write week 2 reviews, and just so the Ashburn guy doesn't get disappointed, I'll give a quick rundown.
  • ARB trounced MMB,                  197 - 139.5
  • ADL defeated SKR                      209.5 - 164
  • GMF crushed RER                     215 - 167.5
  • SKC stymied JBF                        163.5 - 153
  • BEN outlasted RSR                     179 - 170
"Thanks, Scarjo!" -Penises
Tim Brady is your Week 2 MVP and GMF is your Week 2 Champion.

The first of many Taintsman GIFs
Wecome to Tainstman Tracker™. MMB, RER, and JBF are all 0-2 heading into a big Week 3, but it's a long season, and this is still any man's game. This has been Tainstman Tracker™.

And that's why Jesus didn't get laid in high school
Alright, good talk.

See you out there.


This one has a surprise ending.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In Related News...

Oooh Chimpanzee That!

I know that this first and foremost is a site devoted to football, be it factual or fantastical, but at one point, we also cared about animals. There are happenings out in the world that I feel need to be brought to the attention of this league, its members, and fans.

Monday, September 19, 2011

CABC Goes to the Emmy's!

Queen of the Gleeks
The 2011 Emmy's were last night and like every year, the award were (mostly) handed to the wrong people. Let's take a second look at some of these categories and issue a few awards of our own.

Won't you join me?

Why All These $%^&*ing Injuries are Good for the Cowboys

Whether or not you think the Cowboys victory yesterday over the mighty Alex Smith might be pyrrhic (I say no), there are definite casualties on the Blue and Silver side of the ball.  Besides the litany of injuries the Cowboys sustained in their preseason and game one, it now looks like the Alien Austin might be out through the bye week and at best, it looks like Felix Jones may play in the home opener, albeit seeing diminished carries while trying to regain full strength.  Tony Romo is playing with a (delicious) broken rib.  That’s nothing to say of the multitude of injuries on the offensive line and in the secondary, which seem to be changing on an hourly basis.  I’m tempting fate as I say it, but it would be hard to get worse as far as injuries go.

Next time try the pulled shoulder; I hear it's tender.

Here comes the shaky logic: admist the chaos and pain, I see a team, who by the trial of fire brought upon its youngest and most inexperienced players, will emerge stronger and more driven.  No one thought at the beginning of the season that the Boys would be able to make it to the playoffs this year, even less so now.  But by taking the blows up front, they might find themselves primed for a competitive run sooner than otherwise expected.

Let’s look at it from several angles:

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A Victory for Tony Romo

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat!

Week 2 Open Thread

Does anyone know if this is true?
Since ESPN is having technical issues, please feel free to post your game day comments here.

Friday, September 16, 2011


Hangover (0-1) at Airboats (1-0)
As predicted, MMB did in fact start his trio of Giants last week (Season Count: 1).  With Welkah’s 99 yahd touchdown powah play, Mahk was supah close to actually beating Lassitah in theyah opening matchup. ARBday rolled the Tit Gypsies last week as he plans to do with every opponent this season. His lackluster showing from Roddy White was made easier by stellar RB outings. Terrell Suggs had a monster outing to make up for an otherwise average day on defense. Expect for of the same this week as the Steelers get a chance to make things right against Seattle at home.
I, err, ahh, blame it on Arian Fostah
Stabbin Dude (0-1) at Clipboard (0-1)
JBF wasted no time when it came to turning in a weak performance. Should this repeat of last season continue, J should take headshots and audition for the role of Rape Victim 4 on an episode of Law and Order: SVU. Method acting at its finest. Even with a stable of RBs to choose from, Raditude will have no easy task when it comes to playing Clipboard and his crew. SKC has Brees going up against a Bears D that punished Matt Ryan week one and Jay Cutler facing a Saints Secondary with 10 days of rest.
Shut up, JBF. You know you liked it.
BYE WEEK(0-1) at Tit Gypsies (0-1)
As expected, Bye Week put up a solid fight against little bro until Sensei Brady showed up on Monday night, dropping 517 yards and 56 points and allowing RSR to pick up the W. This week RER goes up against the other younger brother of the league and can look forward to more of the same. Sam Bradford is nursing a hurt throwing hand and Cam Newton goes up against the defending World Champions. But all eyes will be on Atlanta this weekend with Vick’s triumphant homecoming. The chicken has come home to roost, and he’s going to shit all over this place.
Actual footage from GMF's game last week

Assholes (1-0) at Kittens (1-0)
This could possibly be the first time in years that Tom Brady does not have a red “P” next to his name leading up to game day. And if Monday’s performance is any indication, the rest of the league should be shaking in their boots. First up are the Assholes, who are facing a ton of injuries going into this week’s game. If BEN hopes to get the victory, he’s going to have to need a repeat performance from Ben Tate and a sweet new team name. He better get to work quick, Metta World Peace is taken.
QUEENSBRIDGE, BITCH. But I ain't changed tho.

Baiters (1-0) at Repeat (1-0)
The Baiters are tempting fate leaving Steve Smith in the lineup. No, not that Steve Smith. The old Steve Smith. You know, the guy who’s always injured. The one SKR should have been trying to trade away all week for a player who will get him 30 points a week instead of 30 points the rest of the season. But, to each his own. You want to start LeGarrette Blount and Pierre Thomas, be my guest. Not like you could cut Peyton and pick up another guy who has a chance of taking the field before week 10 of next year. Just a thought. In other news, ADL got so angry fighting Zombz this week he destroyed his new Xbox. Level up, big cat. Be back to lend a hand on Monday night because there’s no way I’m watching Rams-Giants. [Editor’s Note: This fine Microsoft software autocorrects XBox [sic] to Xbox. Who the fuck knew?]
Who do you voodoo, bitch?!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Tales from the Cage

TORONTO | Wed Sep 14, 2011 6:31pm EDT
(Reuters) - For actor Nicolas Cage, making the new thriller movie "Trespass" hit close to home.
Cage, at the Toronto film festival along with director Joel Schumacher promoting the film about a home invasion, said that he has actually lived through the nightmare in real life.
"It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed," he told reporters on Wednesday.
A Fudgesicle is a frozen, ice cream-like snack.
Cage said the ordeal ended after he talked the man out of the house and police arrived. He did not press charges, as the man had mental problems, but Cage, who now lives in Nassau, Bahamas, said he could not stay in the house after that.
In "Trespass," which is scheduled for release in October, thieves con their way into the opulent mansion where Cage's character lives with his unhappy wife (played by Nicole Kidman) and their daughter.
The family is held for ransom and the movie follows a path of twists and turns as negotiations with the intruders ensue.
Schumacher, who earlier cast Cage in his film "8MM," and Kidman in "Batman Forever," said "Trespass" is also about extremes between the rich and the poor in America.
"It's a class warfare movie too, about the haves and the have-nots."
The diamond-dealing Cage character and one of the invaders are two versions of the same man, in that they have both "overreached to have their share of what used to be called 'The American Dream,'" Schumacher said.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Week 1 Review: The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

The Truth: you DO look fat in those jeans.
Well, the four teams that made the playoffs last year are currently sitting in the top four spots, and the teams that missed the playoffs last year would miss them again this year if the playoffs started today. Are you we not men? Where's your fighting spirit, non-playoff teams?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Like Brooks Needs an Apology...

Nate Kaeding didn't even send me a card. 

I can speak for ARB when I say, a bottle of 12-yr single malt will do just fine, Roderick.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


And it was all going so well...


Ponies: Little Girls :: Football : Guys

Saturday, September 10, 2011

SJax gets all up in MSut

For those who fast forward through all commercials, you may have missed this little gem with Steven Jackson beasting his way through a Dick's Sporting Goods. I myself missed him putting the spin move on a one Montgomery Sutton the first 42 times I saw it during Sportscenter. 

Friday, September 9, 2011

Cowboys 2011 Season Outlook: Offensive Line and Defensive Secondary

This is a cornerstone of the Rob Ryan defense
After the unpleasantness that was last season, Cowboys fans were understandably pessimistic. The offensive line and the defensive secondary performed so poorly that there was little hope of improving those units without outside help.

Fast forward to today:
20 years old my ass
Offensive Line

Only one offensive lineman has remained at his 2010 position (Free, LT), three starters were cut (Colombo, Gurode, Davis), one starter was moved (Kosier- LG to RG), and three new starters were brought in (Nagy- LG, Costa- C, Smith- RT).

A common fallacy among football pundits is wrongly attributing success to veteran line play (a group of experienced players) instead of cohesive line play (a group of players who have played together for some time). All else being equal, a group of five year veteran offensive lineman who have never played together would be inferior to a group of rookie offensive lineman who played together for four years in college. When you know how to play and communicate with the other guys around you, you make more plays and you blow fewer assignments.

Which leads us to the Cowboys' current offensive line: we lack both veteran players and cohesion, but we should still see a much better performance from this unit compared to last year. The Cowboys chose athleticism and finesse over power and size. In short, they chose pass protection over the power running game. They chose to keep Romo on his feet. And you know what? I'm completely fine with this. Felix Jones wasn't going to run through middle line backers, anyways. He's going to beat them off tackle, outside, and with screen passes. Our offensive line is tailored to do just that.

In conclusion, you should expect a lot of growing pains from this relatively young unit, but you should also expect dramatically improved pass protection.

His knowledge of the Rob Ryan system is second to none. You're gonna have to trust me on that.
Defensive Secondary

The Cowboys just barely missed out on the Asomugha sweepstakes, and all I can say is "Thank God". Asomugha is a great player, but he's 30 years old. Even if we put aside the problem of paying $10 million or more for a 35 year old corner, at 5 years/$60 million, the Cowboys simply couldn't afford the cap hit. Our cap situation would go from bad to worse, and without the resources to rebuild, so would our team.

That being said, what about Michael Huff? Johnathan Joseph? Eric Weddle? The Cowboys reportedly had little contact with any of them. A popular theory is that the Cowboys assumed Asomugha was in the bag, so they didn't have a backup plan when the division rival Eagles blew them out of the water at the last second. That's extremely disappointing, if true.

The one new addition to the Cowboys' secondary is Abram Elam, a safety experienced in Rob Ryan's defensive scheme. Signed only to a mid-level one year deal, Elam will be crucial in getting this defense up to speed since Ryan's defense is notoriously complex, and there was no off season to ease the transition from old scheme to new.

With the addition of Elam, Alan Ball slides back to his natural position of corner. The Cowboys corners are now starters Newman and Jenkins, Scandrick at nickle, and Ball at dime. The safeties are Elam at free safety, Sensabaugh at strong safety, and Church as an occasional contributor.

As strange as it is to say, the greatest strength of our secondary is our pass rush. The longer the quarterback has to throw the ball, the longer the secondary has to cover. With players like Ware, Spencer, and Ratliff, the Cowboys' pass rush can dominate offensive lines. Ryan's blitzes and coverages are designed specifically to trick offenses into protection errors and unsafe throws. Don't be surprised to see safeties and corners blitzing this year as well, another hallmark of the Rob Ryan defense.

Expect check downs and quick passes when we get pressure, expect big plays when the quarterback has time to throw. I don't expect our interception rate to dramatically rise, but Elam is an upgrade over Ball, and Ryan's scheme may improve our defensive play-making.

If the secondary is to become a strength instead of a weakness, two of these three things need to happen: Newman gets and stays healthy, Jenkins returns to 2009 form, Scandrick emerges as a legitimate starter. If we get all three, we're golden. If we get fewer than two, we're screwed.


Clipboards at Baiters
Second round pick Peyton Manning is already becoming a pain in the neck for the Baiters. Now he has Nacho Sanchez leading this team across the border followed by Jason Campbell and Andy Dalton. Good thing he’s done with school (still need to fact check this) because fixing this team is going to be a full time job for SKR. Already his week one game against the Clipboard Army is not going well. Both sides had four players go in the Thursday night game with SKC turning in a dominant performance led by Drew Brees. 43.5 points is higher than any week turned in by Birthmark last season, which makes The Clipboards pray that he is forced to play from behind all year long.
SKR hoping for the return of Johnny U
Assholes at Raditude
On a team completely devoid of Cowboys players, Darkness has both Super Bowl QBs anchoring his 2011 lineup. Aaron Rodgers was bad ace in the Thursday night game, giving the Assholes an early lead going into this weekend’s matchup. His week 1 opponent, Stabbin’ Dude With Raditude, is hoping to come out swinging after a miserable 2010 season. Honestly, miserable doesn’t begin to describe last year. Two wins. Twelve losses. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that bullshit, but looking back, that team couldn’t win at the Special Olympics. The Syndrome had four Bills players, which is four too many. Good things do not happen when Ryan Fitzpatrick is your Spirit Animal. Ownership should be so embarrassed by this performance that he should be forced to submit to a retroactive taintsman punishment.
Nothing says Harvard like a Fugbeard
Repeat at Hangover
At first glance, the Afternoon Hangover’s roster is a Who’s Who of Cowboy opponents this season. Lions and Giants and Pats, Oh My! I set the O/U for games in which MMB starts Elisha at QB and both Giant receivers at 5.5. Already first round pick Arian Foster is a game time decision for week 1 making this battle against defending champs I GOT THIS an uphill battle. Repeat’s tandem of Marmalard (Philip Rivers) and Actual Tub of Lard (Matt Stafford) makes his team a formidable foe.
Nips that would make BELK jealous
Tit Gypsies at Airboats
Despite making a boner move in selecting Vick first overall, GMF has already wowed the league with his team name. It is quite literally, The Tits. Now, this may start to get into NSFW territory, so let me know if we need to start pulling out some abbrev’s. GMF, how is it possible that you don’t know how league scoring works after all this time? Also, somehow G manages to select his favorite player, Bironas, every season. I know I speak for everyone when I hope that CABC’s Mr. Irrelevant and honorary league member, Sam Acho, makes an impact for the Tit Gypsies this season. ARB on the other hand has the meanest defense this side of the Maginot Line. Combined with Matt Ryan’s cannon, the AiRBoats will no doubt be in the playoff hunt all season. Will 2011 finally be the year ARB takes that next step to win the CABC Title? How long will SILKY ride the pine? These answers and more in the weeks to come!
Fact: Hook is the greatest film of all time.
Turtles at Bye Week
This week’s spotlight matchup is the first rivalry game of the season. The clear edge has to go to RSR this weekend as he carries a roster with two QBS, a well-paid Chris Johnson, and emotional anchor DeMarcus Ware. RER on the other hand chose the wrong Packers for last night’s game and might have trouble digging himself out of this hole. With Collins as the starter in Indy, BYE WEEK has to shift around his receiving corps and hope that the Panthers have a seasons supply of Cammy Cam juice mixed up and ready for their new star.
The Dandiest Dandies in town. Sally would be so proud.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

What's in a Name?

With the start of the 2011 NFL and CABC seasons just over 24 hours away, it is imperative that those teams without names come up with one ASAP. I am hoping to provide you all with some official league gear which requires this information. If you could also forward me your mailing addresses it would be appreciated. ADL I have yours because you are a girl and live at home.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Steve Seagal Auditions for Role in Mike Vick Biopic

PHOENIX - A notice of claim has been filed against Maricopa County sheriff's detectives by a Phoenix man who claims humiliation, emotional distress and property damage from a high-profile raid on his property.

The raid last March included actor Steven Seagal , his reality-TV camera crew and Sheriff Joe Arpaio's deputies all there to investigate an alleged cockfighting operation at Jesus Sanchez Llovera's Laveen home.

"To make good TV for Steven Seagal," Llovera's attorney, Robert Campos said.

Llovera's claim seeks $25,000 from the sheriff's office and another $25,000 from Seagal.

"There was a show for Steven Seagal, and it just happened to be me," Llovera said through an interpreter.

Llovera also said deputies shot and killed an 11-month-old puppy on the property.

"That's a fabrication. That is just a bunch of crap," Chief Deputy David Trombi said.

The sheriff's office said the cockfighting case is pending, but said the raid was a legitimate law enforcement action.

"Whether he was there or wasn't there would not and did not change the way we executed that search warrant," Trombi said.

Llovera told ABC15 he would drop his suit against Seagal if the actor comes to the property to apologize to him and his children.

Read more:'s-office#ixzz1WiiE0G7A