Week 10 Review: Taintsman Power Rankings

Miniature Giraffe Optional                                     

 Occupy Golf Course was an overwhelming success.

TO THE RANKINGS:

Week 9 Review: OCCUPY GOLF COURSE

[Sploosh]

Things get started on Thursday this week in more ways than one. Oakland visits San Diego to kick off Thursday Night Football in 2011, but the real story is the new-found political activism here at CABC.

Beginning on Thursday, a select group of CABC members will take a public stand on a very important political issue:

Week 8 Review: Power Rankings

"Problem?" -BEN

With more than half the season gone, the CABC playoff picture is as murky as ever.

No team is more than two games out of a playoff spot in their division, and many teams still have over half their divisional games left to play. Since no clarity can be gleaned from each teams record, here's a brief overview of each team's chances, ranked from worst to first.

Week 7 Review: GIFs a Plenty

Blogggggin'

To business:

WEEK 6 REVIEW: THE WEEK OF RECKONING

I don't even care what happened in the rest of the league: Fantasy Football God exists.

And I can prove it:

First - Scoregate. Now - All the Megatron's Men

While the numbers don't lie, Bye Week's victory has led to a controversy along the lines of last year's Scoregate scandal. After a quick consultation with honorary league uterus, Ms. TCBigs, it would seem that we have a definitive (hypothetical) answer on this week's league review. 

Week 4 Review: The CABC Classic

Heroes

We started a new tradition this year at CABC: The CABC Classic. League members from across the country gathered this weekend to attend a Cowboys game. The game ended in a loss, but the weekend was an overwhelming success.

Week 3 Review: The Cream Rises to the Top

How do you like me now? How do you like me now?

Welp, after only 3 games, BEN and ARB are alone at the top. Raise your hand if you didn't see this coming? Nobody? Okay, good.

Turtle Power

I'd like to congratulate BEN on his week 3 Championship, as well as his new team name.

Yes, they are.

I'd like to congratulate JBF on his first win of the season. This is the highest winning percentage your team has had in over a year.  I hope it feels good to be back.

MMB (left) and RER (right)

Wecome to Tainstman Tracker™. MMB and RER, two winless wonders played in a barn-burner this week to determine the league's worst team. I'd like to congratulate MMB for pulling out the win, and turning his team's season around. RER, it could be a long season. Time to smash the panic button and make a terrible trade. This has been Tainstman Tracker™.

On your left, naturally gifted and extremely athletic. On your right, hard working and blue-collar; a coach on the field.

Wes Welker is your Week 3 MVP. He put up a positively workmanlike 43 points in a gritty display of hard-workmanship.

Chipmunks love ATVs. #FakeSnappleFact

In unrelated news, I'll be in town next weekend from Thursday afternoon to Monday morning.

The Schedule
Friday: We attend the fair, dinner at Mico.
Saturday: We attend the fair again, dinner at Mico again.
Sunday: We go watch the Cowboys destroy the Lions at the Deathstar.

Alright, Good talk. See you out there.

Week 2 Review: THE FORGOTTEN WEEK

You forgot about this, didn't you?

I forgot to write week 2 reviews, and just so the Ashburn guy doesn't get disappointed, I'll give a quick rundown.

• ARB trounced MMB,                  197 - 139.5
• ADL defeated SKR                      209.5 - 164
• GMF crushed RER                     215 - 167.5
• SKC stymied JBF                        163.5 - 153
• BEN outlasted RSR                     179 - 170

"Thanks, Scarjo!" -Penises

Tim Brady is your Week 2 MVP and GMF is your Week 2 Champion.

The first of many Taintsman GIFs

Wecome to Tainstman Tracker™. MMB, RER, and JBF are all 0-2 heading into a big Week 3, but it's a long season, and this is still any man's game. This has been Tainstman Tracker™.

And that's why Jesus didn't get laid in high school

Alright, good talk.

See you out there.

Week 1 Review: The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

The Truth: you DO look fat in those jeans.

Well, the four teams that made the playoffs last year are currently sitting in the top four spots, and the teams that missed the playoffs last year would miss them again this year if the playoffs started today. Are you we not men? Where's your fighting spirit, non-playoff teams?

Week 10 Review: HypnoKitty

HypnoKitty mortgaged your souls, securitized the mortgages, and then sold the resulting CDOs to a pension fund for school nurses.

Some thoughts:

Minimalist Street Fighter

• I'd like to congratulate RSR for his fantastic Week 10 performance. He is your Weekly Champion.
• Michael Vick put up a monstrous 67 points to capture the Week 10 MVP.
• Zach Morris was the most popular kid at Bayside for several years. How is that possible? Wouldn't some Senior just shove him in a locker when he was a Sophomore? This issue needs further research.
• GMF, SKR, and JBF all have significantly higher points against than the rest of the league.
• I'll put out a playoff preview this week where I discuss the more exotic scenarios of how to put your terrible teams in a playoff spot. 
• Believe it or not, The Cowboys aren't out of the playoffs yet either. The home Superbowl is still alive. I'll give you a proof of concept in our playoff post.
• The recent Four Loko ban has shocked the entire NYC area, but ADL was hit especially hard.
• Because of the departure of Wade Phillips, Dallas officially has a nickname gap.
• Is "Garrett-Top" the best nickname we can come up with? Surely we can do better.
• I watched Predators last night. Predators : Awesome :: Sex in the City 2 : Terrible.
• Has there ever been a team that attracted as many front runners as the 2010 Miami Heat?
• There was some speculation that the Cowboys could land the same draft pick two years in a row if there was a full lockout next year. Sadly, that is unlikely. There will be a straight lottery following any lockout years.
• Appending "This is a referendum on Obama" to everyday speech is quickly becoming my favorite way to interact with strangers.
• MMB has lost six games in a row. This is a referendum on Obama.
• The new backscatter x-ray machines ("full-body scanners") use ionizing radiation. The effects of this type of radiation is additive. As in, the more you get scanned, your chances for skin cancer and cataracts continue to increase. You should opt out of these types of scans. The radiation dose from a single scan is negligible, but you should still ask for a pat down instead.
• Brine your turkey this Thanksgiving. Trust me.
• New stuff that is good: Girl Talk album, The Walking Dead, Dexter, Conan, The War For Late Night by Bill Carter, "Historical Name Dropping in Lost" by Stuff You Missed in History Class (podcast), and The Wages of Wins Journal.

Yes, I would. I really really really would.

 Ok, good talk. See you out there.

Week 9 Review: Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife

Cuz ARB rapin' everybody out here.

Guys, I'm honestly starting to get sick of being Weekly Champion. I'm gonna try to help you guys out with some tips:
 

JBF, you're 0-9. You need to begin the process of influencing the league through lopsided trades. It's your only hope.

GMF, congratulations on your recent frat-stardom. Now pull your head out of your ass. Being cool doesn't translate into fantasy wins.

 SKR has got himself a new Disney character girlfriend, and from what he tell me, her vagina is magical. You deserve a hearty handshake, sir. I'd give you some tips for fantasy football, but you've got other things to worry about (namely, an unwanted pregnancy).

 MMB, your team is in freefall. To end this streak of losses at five, you need to sacrifice an animal. I think The Gods would like this kitten. I mean, who wouldn't?

 

BEN, your team looks pretty soft now, but I know that it'll grow up to be a fearsome aquatic bird come playoff time. I really hope it doesn't though. Adult geese are terrifying. 

   

ADL has taken the league by storm. Six wins in a row. He looks unstoppable. I don't think we should worry though. If you read the fine print of the league, anyone who dies of work-related stress during the season is banned from the playoffs. 

   

RER, you've done it. You have officially become a playoff contender your first year in the league. We don't award Rookie of the Year until the end of the regular season, but I'd say you have a decent shot at winning.

RSR, I am fucking on to you. I get your plan. You're gonna post pictures of baby giraffes to lull the rest of the league into a sense of calm, and then you'll calmly claim the League Championship. You're on notice. Also, congrats to Peyton Hillis for being week 9 MVP.

SKC, you should post on the blog. That ass is meant to symbolize you. Also, Pro Tip: do not Google "Animal related ass". There are some things you can't unsee,

Week 8 Review: All You Bitches Are Finished

A visual approximation of ARB's dominance

Week 8 is in the books, and the more things change, the more they stay the same:

Silky is doing the Lord's work.

• The Rangers looked unbeatable, but then they ran into the buzzsaw that is the Giant's pitching staff.
• ARB looked like he would finally lose a game to MMB last week, but luckily, the football Gods viewed MMB as a false idol instead of a true believer.
• JBF has put together a Cal Ripkin-like streak of failure. One more loss in a row and he'll own the all-time CABC record for losses in a row.
• I read Adam Carolla's new book, In 50 Years We'll All Be Chicks, earlier today, and it was fairly funny. I don't recommend you read it in public though, there are giant titles like "Gays and what to do with them" spaced throughout the book. You look like a barely literate neo-Nazi.
• The best part of drinking on an airplane? No tipping.
• As people on my flight watch me type this, I'm fairly sure that I'm being considered a security risk.
• ADL, in the true spirit of the L Family, has bounced back and put together a five game win streak. 
• Right now, someone, somewhere, is complimenting ADL's dad's calves.
• The three man NFC playoff race is getting very interesting. Looking at the schedule, I anticipate that at least one tie-breaker comes into play. (I secretly pray for a SKC v. RSR fist fight. Neither one would want to punch the other.)
• I'm not seeing enough GIFs on the blog. This is a referendum on Obama.
• Speaking of politics, when I run for president, I'm going to mirror my opponent's policies in every way except one: ARB demands more avocados on sandwiches. Tell me you wouldn't vote for that. (I might also call for the public execution of meter-maids, tow truck drivers, and parking lot attendants.)
• I blame the Rangers' World Series loss entirely on JBF refusing to change his team name to "Cocaine and Ginger Ale."
• David "Silky" Garrard is your Week 8 MVP. 
• Silky is also the finest purveyor of plus-sized, under-aged Asian prostitutes in the greater Jacksonville area.
• MMB has been on a four game slide, and I fear that unless he trades me his TE, that this trend could continue. 
• The brothers R and the brothers F haven't committed any inter-familial trades yet, but believe me when I tell you that they're coming. 
• The R family has two teams looking to secure playoff spots, and the F family is basically playing for an honorable death at this point.
• Lastly, I'd like to leave you with a book recommendation. (Yes, GMF, MMB... I know that reading is "for fags.") You need to read John Dies at the End by David Wong. Imagine if Salvidor Dali, Hunter S. Thompson, and Stephen King decided to write a book together. Hilarious, terrifying and compelling.

Week 5 Review: FIGJAM, a tale of two brothers

Code Name: Duchess is 5-0

Some Week 5 thoughts:

• The two pairs of brothers in this league are heading in opposite directions: RSR is on a three game win streak, RER has lost his last three; GMF is week 5 champion, JBF is winless.
• Eight of our ten teams are either have a playoff spot or are a single game back.
• Scoring is down both NFL and CABC-wide, but I expect this to regress to the mean.
• Phillip Rivers is your Week 5 MVP with 44.5 points.
• The middle eight teams are all very close in PF and PA.
• Applejack is the most under-appreciated liquor. It's like alcoholic apple juice.
• Mini-pumpkin pies are pretty much the greatest thing in the world. 
• You probably shouldn't send unsolicited pictures of your dick to girls you barely know (I think balls are acceptable, though. Balls are funny.)
• If you absolutely must send dick-pics, remember that lighting and perspective are your friends.
• On a related note, I really want someone to name their team "Favre's Little Secret" or "He's like a kid out/down there!" or something similar, but much, much better.
• Are we still playing our NCAA league? I'd like to win the national championship.
• Archer is easily my favorite show on television.
• We got about 3800 page-views last week. That's respectable, but we can do better. 
• I'd like to formally call out SKC for contributing absolutely nothing to this blog. Not a GIF, not a cat photo, not a picture of a weirdo. Nothing.
• Les Miles is has become a parody of himself. He's just fucking around at this point.
• The Rangers victory was fantastic. Cliff Lee is a robot sent back through time to destroy all batting averages. 
• No team has beaten The Cowboys yet this year. They've beaten themselves.
• There's little I wouldn't do for my own Mini-Giraffe.
• Feel free to add any of your Week 5 remarks in the comments.
• Alright, good talk. See you out there.

Week 4 Review: Fantastic Finishes

T.O.'s Time Outs thought they had the Week 4 Championship. The Celery Men thought otherwise.

What a week of football! The ending to the Tennessee-LSU game was the craziest finish I have ever seen. Here's the video for those who missed it (watch the ENTIRE video):

Jesus, that's a tough loss. Sucks to be you, Tennessee.

In CABC land, scoring was down across the board, but this was an incredibly exciting week. Three teams were projected to overtake their opponents heading into MNF, but all three ended up falling short. SKC, ADL, and RSR can officially relax. BEN, GMF, and SKR can officially curse their teams for folding like a cheap suit. Let's break down the action:

ARB wears glasses while he calculates; he thinks it makes him smarter.

The Celery Men (4-0) over Nude Tayne (2-2), 183.5 - 134

Just who are Nude Tayne? Are they the juggernaut from Weeks 1 and 2, or are they the pretenders from Weeks 3 and 4? Only time will tell. The Celery Men have turned in four remarkably consistent performances: 182.5, 181.5, 188, and 183.5. Is this a result of ARB's careful planning or merely luck? Again, only time will tell.

MMB looks cute and cuddly, but he's secretly sort of dangerous.

T.O.'s Time Outs (3-1) over First Down Syndrome (0-4), 177.5 - 107

Well, MMB, you gave me quite a scare! For a moment there, I thought my Week Championship was in jeopardy! The Time Outs are trending upwards, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, "please don't." Our Week 4 MVP, Arian Foster, dropped 44 this week after some seriously weird "disciplinary benching" (he missed 25 minutes). If you can miss almost half a game and still put up MVP numbers, then you might be a badass. JBF, I just don't know what to say. My current theory is that the stress of hosting all of us for the draft temporarily took your mind off of selecting quality players. I'd like to tell you that I had a fantastic time at CABC Draft 2010, and thank you for sacrificing your team to get us Chick-fil-A.

ADL is just happy to be out there mixing it up

Cocks Out Crocs Out (1-3) over Foxborough Fellatio (0-4), 131 - 123

In this battle of winless teams, ADL triumphed by a small margin. Both these teams' quarterbacks played in the ugliest SNF game in recent memory. Somone should page Ray Rice and tell him that the season has started. GMF has declared a Fellatio "Fire Sale", which sounds like he's selling an oral sex/gonorrhea combo pack. Personally, I think this is a mistake. Fellatio certainly requires some work, but I don't think blowing up the whole team is necessary. At least GMF has Kolb coming back...

SKC has the NFC in the palm of his hand.

David Buehler's Day Off (4-0) over Assholes Finish 1st (3-1), 156.5 - 134.5

This was easily the game of the week. NFC dominance and a playoff tie-breaker were at stake, and heading into Monday Night Football, BEN was the clear favorite. Luckily for SKC, Brandon Marshall and Randy Moss made a bet going to see who could put up fewer points. SKC triumphed over BEN, and now holds the sole lead in the NFC. I have a feeling that BEN will be back with a vengeance. Can't wait for the rematch.

RSR is as happy a a baby hippo after this close win

DP Defriended Me (2-2) over NomNomNom Suh (1-3), 150.5 - 150

The Thrill of Victory! The Agony of Defeat! Any time you lose a close game, you're upset with yourself. "If only...," you cry bitterly into the unforgiving night sky. At times like this, one can only remember the wisdom of the great ones:

I go in, I triple deke. I fake the goalie right out of his pads.

The puck's headed in, and then...

Clang! Hits the post.

We lost in overtime.

A quarter of an inch this way and it would have gone in.

A quarter of an inch, Charlie. 

Yeah, but a quarter inch the other way and you'd have missed completely. 

-The Mighty Ducks  

(Note: This sounded a lot more reasonable when I was a retarded little kid. I now know what a 1/4" looks like. I now realize how big both a hockey puck and a goalpost are. A 1/4" either wouldn't have allowed him make it, or it wouldn't have made him miss completely.)

Week 3 Review: Witchcraft

All Hail BEN, our week 3 champion. [insert "black magic" joke here]

The Celery Men (3-0) over Cocks Out Crocs Out (0-3),  188 - 148.5

The Celery Men continue their win streak! ARB's boys have turned in a remarkably consistent 180+ points every week. On the other hand, COCO needs to overhaul his squad in order to halt a three game slide. ADL should give Ray Rice a pep talk, 11 points won't cut it.

DW Defriended Me (1-2) over First Down Syndrome (0-3), 170.5 - 120

Defriended Me is on the board! A lively performance Michael Vick led the team with 41.5 point effort. Don't count on a repeat performance though, Jacksonville may be the worst team in the league. JBF is still winless through week 3. He needs his team to get healthy soon, or Syndrome's season could be over by week 5.

T.O.'s Time Outs (2-1) over Nude Tayne (2-1), 170.5 - 125.5

MMB wins a crucial AFC division match-up over RER. With the win, MMB picks up a potential playoff tiebreaker.  It looks like three teams (ARB, MMB and RER) are going to be fighting for two playoff spots. Nude Tayne had an off day on what otherwise appears to be a strong team. T.O.'s Timeouts were buoyed by Brees' 38 points to a very healthy 170.5 points.

Assholes Finish 1st (3-0) over NomNomNom Suh (1-2), 210.5 - 152

Despite having our Week 3 MVP, Purple Jesus, turn in a monster 45.5 points, SKR was blown out by our Week 3 Champion BEN. Finish 1st had fantastic performances across the board, but Aaron Rodgers stood out with 31 points. Both teams in this game left points on the bench this week, but who would have guessed that Mark Sanchez or Anquan Boldin would actually deliver?

David Buehler's Day Off (3-0) over Foxborough Fellatio (0-3), 208.5 - 163.5

Here's a stat for you: through three weeks, GMF has 621 points against him, or an average points against of 207. Brutal. It's hard to blame him for being 0-3. SKC appears to be the class of the league: undefeated, most total points for, and a deep bench. Despite all of this, I'd like to remind everyone that Tomlinson has absolutely no business being good again.

Week 2 Review: And The Rich Get Richer!

 

Our Week 2 Champion: Nude Tayne

Week 2 is in the books! This week featured three games where undefeated teams beat winless teams. A few members of this league need to push the panic button this week. Do anything you can: trades, waiver pickups, bribes, physical violence, kidnapping, etc. Do what you have to do. Much like the Cowboys, if you go 0-3, you're pretty much finished.

The Celery Men (2-0) over T.O.'s Time Outs (1-1), 179.5 - 133.5

A strong defensive showing by The Celery Men this week, but with T.O.'s Time Outs only turning in a 133.5 points, it was hardly necessary. The Time Outs were plagued by lopsided victories which killed fantasy value. Look for MMB to have an improved showing in Week 3. ARB's bet that the Chief would be good this year looks half-right: they've won some games, but Cassel still sucks. (Oh, and I'd like to send out a nice little fuck you to Thomas Jones for taking carries away from Jamaal Charles. You fucked my last year, and now you're back for more. I hope you die in a boat explosion.)

NomNomNom Suh (1-1) over Crocs Out Cocks Out (0-2), 157 - 148.5

ADL continues to suffer the fate of all those who auto-draft: a weak defense. Even so, this game was surprisingly close. Cocks Out made a late push Sunday night, but in the end SKR managed to hold out. By the way, I don't care if LeSean McCoy does have four capital letters in his name. He has no business dropping 37 points on anyone. Brett Favre looks ready to die of old age, and his 1.5 point performance this weekend warmed my heart. Maybe those Wrangler jeans are impeding his mobility?

Nude Tayne (2-0) over Foxbourough Fellatio (0-2), 235 - 180

RER is our Week 2 Champion and his player, Jahvid Best, is our Week 2 MVP. This loss must be especially difficult for Fellatio to take, as he now has 412.5 points against him (by far the most in the league). Dropping 180 in Week 2 and still losing by 55 points is just brutal. Nude Tayne's starters looks on top of their game, but his bench looks dangerously thin. Any injuries to Tayne's starters could derail this budding juggernaut. (P.S.: It is considered rude for anyone replacing HRP to make the playoffs. Please respect his legacy and begin to tank in Week 3. Thank You, Management.)

David Buehler's Day Off (2-0) over First Down Syndrome (0-2), 169.5 - 126

JBL's best player, Matt Schaub, dropped 43.5 points this week and Syndrome still turned in the lowest score in the league. Time to go to DEFCON 1. I imagine that JBL is crying himself to sleep at night in his three-story luxury apartment which he shares with no one. Remember, JBL, Glee, red wine, and Ambien should never be mixed, even in small quantities. Down Syndromes moves this week will make or break his season. SKC turned in a very respectable 169.5 performance at home. Each of Day Off's players played well, but not great. Still, 169.5 is a good total to turn in on an off week.

Assholes Finish 1st (2-0) over DW Defriended Me (0-2), 174 - 171.5

In our best game of the week, BEN squeaked by RSR in a great game. BEN shrewdly benched his own coach heading into the late games to avoid any eventual negative points. Dallas Clark and the Colts almost upset Finish 1st late Sunday night though, combining for 34 points. Look for Defriended Me to reverse his losing trend in coming weeks now the Michael Vick has been named the full-time starter. As always, Finish 1st remains a strong competitor.

Week 1 Review: Big Wins and Tough Losses

David Buehler's Day Off is our Week 1 Champion!

The Celery Men over Foxbourough Fellatio, 182.5 - 154

Despite huge efforts from both Zulu Cthulu (40 points) and The Incredible Sulk (35.5 points), Fellatio went down this week. Both teams put in fantastic efforts early, but Foxbourough Fellatio pulled up lame down the final stretch. Ryan Grant and Kevin Kolb were both injured. Grant is out for the season and Kolb looked shaky before his concussion. Michael Vick played well as Kolb’s replacement, but the Eagles are unlikely to name Vick the starter. (I just don’t think the Eagles will admit they were wrong about trading McNabb and starting Kolb.)

The Celery Men fought hard and eventually triumphed. Dreamboat and Mendenhall turned in the performances of note with 26 and 33.5 points respectively.

T.O.'s Time Outs over Cocks Out Crocs Out, 153.5 - 121.5

This game came down to one man: Arian Foster. He damn near dropped a fifty burger on the Colts this week. 33 rushes for 231 yards and 3 touchdowns for 49.5 points. Cocks Out Crocs Out's MVP, Chad Ochocinco, did his best with 25.5 points, but T.O.'s Time Outs and Arian Foster couldn't be stopped. I expect the week 12 rematch to be a much closer game.

Assholes Finish 1st over First Down Syndrome, 139 - 91.5

Wanna know how many points First Down Syndrome's offensive starters turned in this week? 39. A measly 39 points. There were four individual players who turned in more than 39 points this week. If JBF is serious about competing this year, then he needs to give his players a serious talking to.

Assholes Finish 1st turned in an uncharacteristically mediocre performance this week. Look for this team to ramp it up next week.

Nude Tayne over DP Defriended Me, 163.5 - 137

RER vanquished RSR in CABC's first brother against brother game of the season. Defense was the deciding factor in this game. RSR and RER's offenses finished within seven points of each other, but RER's defense turned in a monster game. Much to my dismay, Nude Tayne is emerging as a legitimate AFC playoff contender. DP Defriended Me doesn't need to worry too much though. This the lowest scoring opening week of football in five years. A rising tide lifts all ships.

David Buehler's Day Off over NomNomNom Suh, 184.5 - 175

SKC edged SKR in a barn burner. Peyton Manning dropped 51.5 points on his way to winning the game for David Buehler's Day off. Those 51.5 points are good enough to win Manning MVP of Week 1, and David Buehler's Day the points champion of Week 1. 

SKR and NomNomNom Suh didn't go down without a fight, though. Matt Forte racked up 41.5 points in the losing effort. Even though this is only Week 1, this division game will surely have playoff implications. SKC and SKR look like the class of the NFC. SKR needs to win the rubber match Week 10 in order to block SKC's playoff tiebreaker.