Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Giant Hath Been Slain Today

Congratulations, Syndrome. Your performance this weekend was a true David & Goliath story. Proud of you, big guy. As for Nerdwell... what the hell happened??? Were you resting on your laurels from your big week 11 victory?

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Fuzzgiving!

While no creature can ever compare to a lvl. 5 Gibbons pocket monster (who I plan to trade for through Rush seduction), this Thanksgiving featured plenty of cheerful canines dressed in traditional turkey attire to celebrate the massacre of America's natives.

The Gibbons Birthday Spectacular

Happy Birthday, Lord Gibbons McCoy Rush.

May your winning personality and roguish good looks stay with you forever.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Update: Gif!

2011 CABC Draft: Tromsø, Norway!

Full screen this puppy.

Werk Tomorrow :(

Enjoy the holidays CABC!

See you tomorrow night!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

How to Slay a Giant

Take 2 parts Weekly MVP performance from Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger, add a dash of defensive fortitude, and mix well with opponents' underperformance and injury. Bake at 350 for five days.

Results should resemble photo:
Congrats, BEN. You earned it.

Holy Crap I Won! Suckit!

I will celebrate my victory with gifs and karate!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Cowboys go forth as conquering heroes

A visual approximation of the Cowboys' grandeur
Big Ben's fatal flaw: although Richard Seymour was drunk, he never did join a sorority.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Week 11 Preview: The Most Adorable Preview Ever

It is rivalry week for CABC pitting brothers against brothers, black against white, traditionally handsome versus “man-pretty,” and lifelong friends facing off in a battle royal. But that is not the only major event this weekend. On a sports day that gets a B- at best (seriously, you’re playing a football game with only one endzone; What is this, The Winston School?) Animal Planet saves the day with not one, but two clashes of cuteness. Following an afternoon of Pitbulls and Parolees, this mainstay of basic cable brings us programs that should be called Persians and Preciousness or Dalmatians and Dandyism. Ladies and gentlemen, America’s Cutest Cat and America’s Cutest Dog 2010 pageants will air tonight starting at 8pm et (check local listings).
But in case you’re some sort of Nazi who hates pets and their sweet, sweet faces, I give you now the CABC Week 11 matchups:

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Thursday Night Football

Just a friendly reminder to set your lineups tonight. So, uhh, get your lineups set.

If by some incredible miracle any of you East coasters are going to see Harry Potter tonight and you text me any spoilers, I swear to God I'll cut your dick off and sell it on eBay.

Vladimir Putin: Is he actually The Beastmaster?

Seriously, have you ever seen a world leader with more animsls?

Do you know that he's having a nationwide contest to name his puppy right now?

PS: Hey Obama, please don't ever play with your Star Wars toys in public again. The US is sort of a big deal. This is the photo they're showing of you in Best Korea.
Michelle cannot fucking believe this shit.

Russia Utilizes Greatest Weapon: Cuteness

After we emerged as Earth's true superpower from the Cold War, the reds have been looking to get back at us ever since.

The suburban espionage ploy was quickly foiled by the spy's pseudo love for hydrangeas.

But now the commies plot their most ambitious attack through ADORABLE ANIMALS.

Putin is so crafty in his sea creature teachings


Aerial Assault

Sea Monsters! (Check out adoring Russie in da back)

Whoever compiled this list is a weirdo, but I respect their keen eye and dedicated commie watch.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Is Shepherd Alex Ebert from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes???? MAYBE!

I am a little hazy as to the status of Shepherd's daily, but I do know he resides somewhere in North Texas, holds complete disregard for the days of the week, and is a man of his word.

Shepherd swore vengeance on S.KinsleyC.'s week 1 victory, and with a promising 134 Week 10 total, SKR beat the shit out of Stanley's pathetic performance.


Anyway, enjoy "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, familiar to CABC as the song featured in the new NFL commercial.

Additionally, how many of you have access to your illegitimate children? We can stage a real-life Angry Birds game like in dis vid:

There's nothing like a Princeton man at the helm!

"Coach Garrett, let us retire to the eating club!"


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Week 10 Review: HypnoKitty

HypnoKitty mortgaged your souls, securitized the mortgages, and then sold the resulting CDOs to a pension fund for school nurses.
Some thoughts:
Minimalist Street Fighter
  • I'd like to congratulate RSR for his fantastic Week 10 performance. He is your Weekly Champion.
  • Michael Vick put up a monstrous 67 points to capture the Week 10 MVP.
  • Zach Morris was the most popular kid at Bayside for several years. How is that possible? Wouldn't some Senior just shove him in a locker when he was a Sophomore? This issue needs further research.
  • GMF, SKR, and JBF all have significantly higher points against than the rest of the league.
  • I'll put out a playoff preview this week where I discuss the more exotic scenarios of how to put your terrible teams in a playoff spot. 
  • Believe it or not, The Cowboys aren't out of the playoffs yet either. The home Superbowl is still alive. I'll give you a proof of concept in our playoff post.
  • The recent Four Loko ban has shocked the entire NYC area, but ADL was hit especially hard.
  • Because of the departure of Wade Phillips, Dallas officially has a nickname gap.
  • Is "Garrett-Top" the best nickname we can come up with? Surely we can do better.
  • I watched Predators last night. Predators : Awesome :: Sex in the City 2 : Terrible.
  • Has there ever been a team that attracted as many front runners as the 2010 Miami Heat?
  • There was some speculation that the Cowboys could land the same draft pick two years in a row if there was a full lockout next year. Sadly, that is unlikely. There will be a straight lottery following any lockout years.
  • Appending "This is a referendum on Obama" to everyday speech is quickly becoming my favorite way to interact with strangers.
  • MMB has lost six games in a row. This is a referendum on Obama.
  • The new backscatter x-ray machines ("full-body scanners") use ionizing radiation. The effects of this type of radiation is additive. As in, the more you get scanned, your chances for skin cancer and cataracts continue to increase. You should opt out of these types of scans. The radiation dose from a single scan is negligible, but you should still ask for a pat down instead.
  • Brine your turkey this Thanksgiving. Trust me.
  • New stuff that is good: Girl Talk album, The Walking Dead, Dexter, Conan, The War For Late Night by Bill Carter, "Historical Name Dropping in Lost" by Stuff You Missed in History Class (podcast), and The Wages of Wins Journal.
Yes, I would. I really really really would.
 Ok, good talk. See you out there.

Sunday Sundries: Where Have I Been?

The answer to the above question is neither brief nor definitive. What is definitive is how cute and edible dachsunds are.

That defenseless face only serves to make me want to cook that baby up even more. However, that bun looks pretty plain-vanilla. Mrs. Baird's Bread and Ronald Reagan may have been co-conspirators in making us Americans accept such a shitty product, rather than opting for something a tiddle wit more... poppy seedy.

And before you ask, I know it isn't Sunday. I know this for the sole reason that I am a student, and I have "obligations". Psh. Sunday can be any day of the week. Mull on that for a minute, suckers. Now let's get into the bullets.

  • Good win yesterday. Jason Garrett deserves a pat on the back (while receiving oral pleasure). Let's hope that this is a trend upward rather than a flash in the pan, as it were.

  • Brooks' flubbed Disney-SKR girlfriend lady friend reference, I'm afraid, was a tad bit inaccurate. While I do find redheads attractive (especially the one ARB pictured...damn! For such shitty NOLA internet, Brooksy, you've sure got your Google image searches down to a science)...been there, done that, and I don't plan on driving the red camaro any time in the future - at least without copious amounts of intoxicants. I am, in fact, quite happy with what I have. Here is an artist's rendering of her:

A true Beauty, I know.

  • This is kind of cool. At least worth a .gif-moment:

  • Barring some sort of unfortunate rescore, I will earn my first win in quite a while. It's amazing how mundane life becomes when both your real-life team and your fantasy team get in the nasty habit of getting the shit kicked out of them on a weekly basis. I promised SKC vengeance after week one, and either Jack Handey or Vishnu must have been looking over me, because my promise proved fruitful. Also, to Reed (I can't, and probably never will, be able to distinguish between the brothers Ruschhaupt's initials. So fuck it.): Congratu-god damn-lations. Vick turned in a helluva performance for you on your way to 230+ points. I know you enjoy cuddly animals being anthropomorphized (sic), so here (the accompanying audio is fantastic):

  • Went to Pacquiao-Margarito this weekend. It is sooooo much more satisfying seeing such violence in real life. It reminded me of that time that I went to some shitty hotel in Dallas to see that Cohan kid try out MMA, only to get kicked in his flubby stomach enough for him to tap out. Also, Nelly performed. It. Was. Glorious.

Until next time, fellow fantasizers

Monday, November 15, 2010

Rodney Harrison

Rodney Harrison was the league's dirtiest player for years.  I do not like that he is on my television lecturing other players on "dirty play."

I also think that he looks like a dachshund. Is anyone else seeing this?



Sunday, November 14, 2010

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Week 10 Preview

COCO (6-3) at Celery Men (9-0)
With the return of Thursday Night Football on that channel nobody gets, ARB has decided to give Dreamy Calves, Jr a head start on this week's game. If the game comes down to the wire, ADL could pick up a bye week coach for an extra point boost as both MNF captains are still available.

Assholes (5-4) at Tayne (6-3)
RER got quite a lead in Thursday's game thanks to an impressive performance from Roddy White. Bernard has been having a tough time fitting in at the office, but there's one thing that can help him feel more at home. SEND HIM ORANGE SODA. WHO LOVES ORANGE SODA? BEN LOVES ORANGE SODA. HE DO! HE DO! HE DO! HE DO! HE DO-OO!

NomNomNom (2-7) at Buehler (6-3)
Hey SKR, that empty spot at the top of your roster, you want to take care of that chief? SKC-This is how you do a blog post. 1) Find something dumb on the internet, this part takes work because we can tell if you dont try. 2) Post it here on our blog. 3) Cry and Masturbate free from ARB breathing down your neck. Trust me, I've tried it both ways and it's just better by yourself.

Syndrome (0-9) at DPDM (6-3)
Based on the performance of HILL, the family's favorite horse, then JBF has a good shot at taking this week's game. RSR has had ample time to find cute animals online, but following Michael Turner's poor TNF showing, we won't know this time management decision plays into his total point performance.

TOTO (3-6) at Fellatio (2-7)
The performances of these two teams are more embarrassing than that of the Syndrome because while JBF has embraced his role as league suckass, these two teams keep fighting week after week. MMB makes absurd lineup changes and refuses to make trades with anyone, your loss buddy. Fellatio sits in abeyance all week until GMF decides 5 minutes before kickoff whether or not he is going to play this week. HRKing, if you can tell me what abeyance means I'll give you Beanie Wells.