Parker Road Represent

Fact: Tony Romo is the Gayest Straight Man I Know

It has certainly been a long summer: The Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Championship, ADL moved back to Texas, Rory McIlroy cleaned up at the US Open, SKR graduated (yes? no? confirm before posting), and the Dallas Cowboys dropped some former stars following the lockout. But the social event of the season had to be Martha's Vineyard 4th of July The Romo-Crawford Nuptials.

A who's who of Dallas celebs filled large white tents in Lee Park at the end of May as Tony finally decided to plant his roots and marry 25 year-old former beauty queen Candice Crawford. At the time, the event was shrouded in secrecy. Streets were closed, guests were shuttled from The Mansion in tinted SUVs, football business was not discussed as Jerry and his Boys snacked during cocktail hour opting instead to chat about the Gossip Girl finale. For such a happening, it was not the tabloid fodder that had become the norm for Tony's relationships over the years. But now, months later, certain details of the event are coming to light. Yesterday the Dallas Morning News published a story about Number 9's Bachelor Party.

"The 31-year-old signal-caller and his 14 or 15 buddies ditched the alcohol and partying. Instead, they traveled to a cabin in West Virginia and played a few games of hide-and-seek."

It's not the teetotaling that bothers me. I had been worried that Tony packed on a few lbs when his injury rehab overlapped with the NFL lockout, so the fact that there was no booze was a relief. West Virginia. Meh. I've never been, but I hear it's a nice place once you get past the mine disasters and mouth-breathing Appalachians. But hide-and-seek? How can you suggest that and get 14 other sober buddies to agree with you? I am the first to admit that the entire Hangover-style bachelor party is a little too debaucherous for my style, but there's certainly a time and a place. THE TIME IS WHEN YOU'RE THE QUARTERBACK OF AMERICA'S TEAM AND THE PLACE IS ANY DALLAS STRIP CLUB.

“I didn’t really feel like going out, drinking that night,” Romo described. “I mean, we were there for a couple of days, so I was just like, ‘Let’s just find something to do here.’ We tried coming up with a game, but with 14 or 15 guys, there aren’t a lot of non-drinking games at that age you can do.”

Tony is right about one thing, there aren't a lot of games for 14 or 15 guys. Except for, say, football? Did this jerkfest in the woods cause his clavicle to start hurting again?

“I stayed hidden for a while,” [Romo] said. “I had a pretty good spot. It was probably about 35 minutes. It was enjoyable to win just because I got to tell them all that I was smarter than them."

Really, Tony? You're smarter than them? Did you take HNS494 while at Eastern Illinois? You spent some of your last moments as a free man hiding behind a tree in the forest. You're bachelor party isn't the venue to rub their faces in your brains. It's the time you brag about banging Carrie Underwood and dumping Jessica Simpson because she got fat.

Dirk may be the man of the moment in Dallas, but this is and always will be a football town. As the Cowboys' quarterback, you represent not only the team but the city, and right now New York, DC and Philly are laughing at us. You married a beauty queen, but the Tony Homo moniker has never been more appropriate. This is bordering on some Jeff Garcia shit. Sure, Troy shared a beach house with Steve Young, but those guys won championships. And now, in your sixth season as a starter, it's time for you to do the same.

Gone are the days of blind adoration. I've come to your defense for too long. As I look forward to the September 11 opener against the Jets, I can hear Cris Collinsworth bringing up the bachelor party antics in his typical smug manner to lighten the somber mood of the evening. And I will shake my head because I love my hometown and you're making us out to look like pussies.

I understand that once the season gets going, there will be other storylines and criticisms, but until then I'm stuck questioning your smarts.

We Have A Winner

Congratulations to the 2010 CABC Champion

ADL

CABC Bowl Pick 'em

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Week 10 Preview

COCO (6-3) at Celery Men (9-0)

With the return of Thursday Night Football on that channel nobody gets, ARB has decided to give Dreamy Calves, Jr a head start on this week's game. If the game comes down to the wire, ADL could pick up a bye week coach for an extra point boost as both MNF captains are still available.

Assholes (5-4) at Tayne (6-3)

RER got quite a lead in Thursday's game thanks to an impressive performance from Roddy White. Bernard has been having a tough time fitting in at the office, but there's one thing that can help him feel more at home. SEND HIM ORANGE SODA. WHO LOVES ORANGE SODA? BEN LOVES ORANGE SODA. HE DO! HE DO! HE DO! HE DO! HE DO-OO!

NomNomNom (2-7) at Buehler (6-3)

Hey SKR, that empty spot at the top of your roster, you want to take care of that chief? SKC-This is how you do a blog post. 1) Find something dumb on the internet, this part takes work because we can tell if you dont try. 2) Post it here on our blog. 3) Cry and Masturbate free from ARB breathing down your neck. Trust me, I've tried it both ways and it's just better by yourself.

Syndrome (0-9) at DPDM (6-3)

Based on the performance of HILL, the family's favorite horse, then JBF has a good shot at taking this week's game. RSR has had ample time to find cute animals online, but following Michael Turner's poor TNF showing, we won't know this time management decision plays into his total point performance.

TOUCHDOWN SYNDROME!

TOTO (3-6) at Fellatio (2-7)

The performances of these two teams are more embarrassing than that of the Syndrome because while JBF has embraced his role as league suckass, these two teams keep fighting week after week. MMB makes absurd lineup changes and refuses to make trades with anyone, your loss buddy. Fellatio sits in abeyance all week until GMF decides 5 minutes before kickoff whether or not he is going to play this week. HRKing, if you can tell me what abeyance means I'll give you Beanie Wells.

¡mi bisabuela!

When life's got you down...

Who ever said them A-rabs weren't funny

One of these days, I'm going to fuck your shit up. All of you remember that.

Today is the day I will take the bull by the balls

Week 13 Review

Greg def. Brooks
Another tough one, Brooks. Peyton Manning has started slacking off the past few weeks and though the Colts continue their undefeated run, Brooks has been left wondering how Eli is inserted where Peyton should be. Greg's victory guaranteed him the top spot in the playoffs, but one look at his players' difficult remaining schedule and you can see that team success is not set in stone.

Jeff def. Stan
After getting off to a rough start Thursday night, Jeff got lucky when Drew Brees got to play an extra period on Sunday. After scoring close to 100 points over the past two weeks, Brees has taken over the top points spot in the league. Stan could have performed better had he made some different personnel decisions, but Brandon Jacobs is an asshole who deserves to be left on the bench.

Barry def. Reed
This week the role of Colt McCoy was played by Reed Rusch-sch-sch. Yeah, CM12's father coaches football and drives a truck and Reed's dad slings office chairs with lumbar support and rolls around town in...well it's a Ford. But still, the similarities are there. They both have a love for Purple Jesus, ridiculous Texas names, and started the season feelin hot hot hot. But Barry was Ndamukon Suh. Following his record setting 9-0 start, Reed has lost to all three teams he could play in the conference championship and to Greg, who will likely win the AFC. Earlier this season, RR questioned why we have a 5 point home field advantage. Now that his team is limping into the playoffs without a quarterback, I'm sure Reed is happy to have all the help he can get.

Mark def. Drew
Beneke's game was way too close this week when you realize Drew has not changed his team lineup in weeks. Once inserted to keep his team competitive, Marc Bulger is now a constant reminder that some people are too busy to keep track of us little people. Mark has fought his way back from a miserable start and now controls his own playoff fate. A loss by the Eagles last Sunday and Mark would have lost to half a team. Aaron Rodgers continues to wow, but without Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez is not a top 5 producing TE. Mark's Offense is weak and his Defense is almost nonexistent. Burn.

Shep def. Hill
It's been a great week in Shepsylvania. The Mighty Hornfrogs were invited to play in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl and it appears that he was able to lock up the second playoff spot in the AFC. Hill on the other hand learned a valuable lesson in party planning-20 people bringing Tonic Water yields a shit ton of Tonic Water. He's scored the fewest points and hasn't won a single game on the road. It's okay, Wade, we still love you.

Week 9 Preview

Brooks (180) at Stan (123)
This is a game with huge AFC playoff implications. With both teams tied at 4-4, the winner of this game will likely take the top stop at the end of this week. These guys are usually great about filling me in on the action when I am unable to watch a game, but I will ask everyone to refrain from discussing anything about the Cowboys-Eagles primetime matchup tonight. I will be down in Tucson for the evening, but I will watch every minute of the game when I return home. Thanks for your understanding.

Reed (168) at Shep (128)
Tall and Thin vs Tall and used to be Thin. Reed wins and continues his league domination. Shepherd cries.

Greg (186) at Mark (161)
This matchup features two hot teams with season saving wins the past couple of weeks. Greg is still in the playoff hunt in the AFC and Mark is looking to play spoiler for his NFC rivals. While The Greg is favored in this matchup, his team has been horrible on the road this season and Marky Mark could pick up another victory today and continue his rise from the bottom.

Jeff (181) at Barry (156)
All eyes will be on this light-heavyweight bout this weekend. With the top playoff spot in the NFC likely reserved for RR, these two competitors are fighting for a spot to play for the cash. Jeff is lucky enough to play his road game against Barry with Adrian Peterson sitting out for the week. With this rematch coming in Week 11, there is sure to be bad blood stemming from the outcome of this weekends game.

Hill (160) at Drew (182)
The two worst teams in the league. This essentially is the play-in game for the NCAA tournament. Yeah, you have to play it, but there's no chance that the victor poses a threat to win another game.

Humanitarianism is gay

Where did all the parity go in the NFL?

Short answer: CABC stole it.

We're parity rich. We've got so much parity that we're filling bathtubs up with it. We're drinking parity cocktails and having parity fights. I'm gonna dive into a big pile of parity like Scrooge McDuck.

You know what? We've got a little extra parity. Maybe we should consider donating some to the disgusting, filthy, parity-less masses: the NFL, the NBA, and the MLB.