Where Are They Now? [Part Two]

SKR, Baiters Gonna Bait (6-8)

I found this on King's bedside table. Nuff said.

MMB, Afternoon Hangover (7-7)

Afternoon Hangover narrowly missed the playoffs in 2011. Plagued by a string of phantom illnesses, it has been a dark few months for MMB. Following an ugly breakup, MB signed up for a free two-week trial on ChristianMingle.com. There he met a string of women hoping to get lucky and clear his mind. Unfortunately, the Lord works in mysterious ways and after 14 days, all Mark had was a serious case of blue balls. MMB has now switched over to AdultFriendFinder with the handle “HOTTER_TWIN214”.

ADL, Repeat? I Got This! (9-5)

After a crushing defeat in the 2011 championship game, no one has seen or heard from ADL. If you have any information concerning his whereabouts, please contact the authorities.

JBF, Stabbin Dude (7-7)

Don’t look now, but JBF may finally have his shit together. For a few years, he seemed destined for a life of watching daytime television and CAM-ing. Now he is qualified for a career in watching daytime television and CAM-ing. Jeff says he is most excited about getting to sleep in before games this season. 

RSR, Kittens Riding Turtles (7-7)

Always content to sit around and look at photos of adorable animals, that seems to be exactly what RSR has done the entire offseason. Yet somehow, this translated into only FOUR posts between February and August. My question is where are these animals that he has no doubt been hoarding. RSR has been caught biglering on the job, and I for one demand that he make up for lost time. 

Merry Xmas Reeder

CABC 2011: WEEK 14 PREVIEW

Maybe Rick Perry can help us save Community

Oooh Chimpanzee That!

I know that this first and foremost is a site devoted to football, be it factual or fantastical, but at one point, we also cared about animals. There are happenings out in the world that I feel need to be brought to the attention of this league, its members, and fans.

Playoffs!

Get ready!

Playoffs begin tonight!


Great regular season CABC!


Barry prepare to be:

Happy Fuzzgiving!

While no creature can ever compare to a lvl. 5 Gibbons pocket monster (who I plan to trade for through Rush seduction), this Thanksgiving featured plenty of cheerful canines dressed in traditional turkey attire to celebrate the massacre of America's natives.

Week 11 Preview: The Most Adorable Preview Ever

It is rivalry week for CABC pitting brothers against brothers, black against white, traditionally handsome versus “man-pretty,” and lifelong friends facing off in a battle royal. But that is not the only major event this weekend. On a sports day that gets a B- at best (seriously, you’re playing a football game with only one endzone; What is this, The Winston School?) Animal Planet saves the day with not one, but two clashes of cuteness. Following an afternoon of Pitbulls and Parolees, this mainstay of basic cable brings us programs that should be called Persians and Preciousness or Dalmatians and Dandyism. Ladies and gentlemen, America’s Cutest Cat and America’s Cutest Dog 2010 pageants will air tonight starting at 8pm et (check local listings).

But in case you’re some sort of Nazi who hates pets and their sweet, sweet faces, I give you now the CABC Week 11 matchups:

Is Shepherd Alex Ebert from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes???? MAYBE!

I am a little hazy as to the status of Shepherd's daily, but I do know he resides somewhere in North Texas, holds complete disregard for the days of the week, and is a man of his word.

Shepherd swore vengeance on S.KinsleyC.'s week 1 victory, and with a promising 134 Week 10 total, SKR beat the shit out of Stanley's pathetic performance.

Bloodbath

Anyway, enjoy "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, familiar to CABC as the song featured in the new NFL commercial.




Additionally, how many of you have access to your illegitimate children? We can stage a real-life Angry Birds game like in dis vid:

Week 10 Preview

COCO (6-3) at Celery Men (9-0)

With the return of Thursday Night Football on that channel nobody gets, ARB has decided to give Dreamy Calves, Jr a head start on this week's game. If the game comes down to the wire, ADL could pick up a bye week coach for an extra point boost as both MNF captains are still available.

Assholes (5-4) at Tayne (6-3)

RER got quite a lead in Thursday's game thanks to an impressive performance from Roddy White. Bernard has been having a tough time fitting in at the office, but there's one thing that can help him feel more at home. SEND HIM ORANGE SODA. WHO LOVES ORANGE SODA? BEN LOVES ORANGE SODA. HE DO! HE DO! HE DO! HE DO! HE DO-OO!

NomNomNom (2-7) at Buehler (6-3)

Hey SKR, that empty spot at the top of your roster, you want to take care of that chief? SKC-This is how you do a blog post. 1) Find something dumb on the internet, this part takes work because we can tell if you dont try. 2) Post it here on our blog. 3) Cry and Masturbate free from ARB breathing down your neck. Trust me, I've tried it both ways and it's just better by yourself.

Syndrome (0-9) at DPDM (6-3)

Based on the performance of HILL, the family's favorite horse, then JBF has a good shot at taking this week's game. RSR has had ample time to find cute animals online, but following Michael Turner's poor TNF showing, we won't know this time management decision plays into his total point performance.

TOUCHDOWN SYNDROME!

TOTO (3-6) at Fellatio (2-7)

The performances of these two teams are more embarrassing than that of the Syndrome because while JBF has embraced his role as league suckass, these two teams keep fighting week after week. MMB makes absurd lineup changes and refuses to make trades with anyone, your loss buddy. Fellatio sits in abeyance all week until GMF decides 5 minutes before kickoff whether or not he is going to play this week. HRKing, if you can tell me what abeyance means I'll give you Beanie Wells.

November Caption Contest: Participation Mandatory

Following the loss of The Texas Rangers, and Cowboys, and Longhorns, I figured y'all could use something to get your mind on something else. Hopefully this might boost our readership in Alabama if I wish them luck this week against Ms Bigler's LSU Tigers. I think we are also missing republican demographic of girls 12-24, so I can throw in a picture for them and they can participate in the caption contest, too. So let's go gang, especially you up there in Ashburn, VA. Winner gets a roll of new gold presidential dollar coins ($20 cash value). Have fun!

Week 6 Preview. Go Rangers!

Buehler (4-1) at Syndrome (0-5)

Following another disappointing week, The Syndrome took out his aggression against SKR in two epic FIFA11 matchups. You like that goal at the end of overtime, King? Oh you want more bitch? What JBF lacks in talent, he makes up for in flair *jazz hands*. The one team member The Syndrome has been able to count on week in and week out has been Falcons Head Coach Mike Smith. The first place coach still can’t hook a brother up and let me know when that new Jeezy is going to drop though.

Buehler turned in his lowest point total last week in his first loss of the season. SKC still maintains a hold on first place in the NFC. With Peyton playing against the 29^th ranked Redskin secondary, a win this week will put him in the catbird seat for his week seven rematch against Nerdwell. The way Kelly has been tearing through CABC this season and neglecting his true blog buddies, could he really be Hipster Hitler in verkleidung? Eat Shit Belgium.

TOTO (3-2) at Tayne (2-3)
Careful folks, the Tayne is angry. RER has dropped three games in a row and as a result decided to shake up his roster a little bit. Garrett Hartley, YOURE FUCKING OUT! A season changing move of this kind has not been seen since the Dingleberries’ legendary Rob Bironas-Larry Tynes shakeup of 2009.

In his last game, Arian Foster put up stats like an undrafted free agent out of Tennessee. He will need to return to his recent ways against KC before facing a tough stretch after his bye week. And MMB has faced a slight defensive slide in recent weeks. For some reason his strategy of picking up available players with super high scores week two has not paid off as anticipated.

Assholes (3-2) at Suh (2-3)
After a two game skid and losing half of his starting lineup to injuries, the Assholes aim to turn their luck around against the Abominable Suh Monster in an NFC epic. The Asshole’s manager, Bertrand L Narwhall Esq Jr, has fully embraced the mindset of the City That Never Sleeps in the short week he has called it home. It has yet to be seen if this lack of rest will cause him to slip up on Sunday.

With Ray Race waiting to score until week five and Arian Foster and Chris Johnson turning in up and down weeks, the well rested Adrian Peterson has 10 more weeks to show off his stuff. AD hasn’t has a fumble yet this season, but now that I have brought it up let the fumbles begins. Hey All Day, fumble just a little less. Ya know, not because you suck. Because you, you don’t suck. You just probably want to try holding onto the ball a little better. However you’re doing it right now—do that, just better. Don’t fumble is what we’re trying to say here. You kinda fumble a lot. FYI.

Continue Reading for More NSFW Fun

Fuzzy Fridays

Theme: Hipster Pets

Ice Cream Kitty doesn't care about fried foods at the state fair.

Hipster dogs are apathetic towards the outcome of the Texas/OU game.


Panda Kitty vetoed the trade.

Bonus Fuzz! (No hipsters involved)

Do YOU have a problem with CABC becoming too adorable?

Who ever said them A-rabs weren't funny

One of these days, I'm going to fuck your shit up. All of you remember that.

MmmmmBoy...

Nice earrings. Very tasteful.

This young woman is so excited about the Cowboys win today that she's jumping up and down.

GOGTFO

Inspired by Brooks' Celery Man Avatar I recently made the switch to the new-age '94 graphics interchange format as well, and I recommend the rest of CABC follow.

Here are some suggestions:

Rick Carlisle Talks Table Tennis

This clip has got it all. Soothing rhythm & blues opening, 360 view of Richard competing, off-race expert playing the sport, shameless ping-pong promotions, and a segment called "How Many Balls Can Rick Hold"



I'm gonna go videotape his refrigerator ... his shoes.

Week 10 - Week 14+ Review

I LOSE