Prepare for 2/5/2012, Stanley

Remaining Days: 3

Challenge: Stanley v. O'Doul's

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY

CABC 2011: WEEK 8 PREVIEW

Guess, what guys? The Stars are 7-3 and leading the Pacific Division! Plenty of room on the bandwagon. Halloween is on Monday and I would bet that half of you either have not yet figured out your costume or will be abstaining altogether [I’m looking at you, Greg]. Follow the jump to get this week’s preview and some last minute costume advice.

Week 9 Preview

Syndrome (0-8) at Celery Men (8-0)

ARB has been tearing through the league like some sort of fox who navigates the stars. Congratulations Celery Men, all your hours in front of dual Excel screens has finally paid off in the regular season. And now you pick up Jacob Tamme, the only player in the league with a name gayer than Sabby Piscitelli. Did your magic Microsoft paperclip tell you that he could have a breakout game week 15 against Jacksonville? We get it dude. Your team is good. Quit rubbing it in. Antonio Gates is still going to score more points, it doesn’t matter if he’s Doubtful or not. Tamme is a player who wasn’t on anyone else’s radar and you certainly didn’t need to pick him up to put the Syndrome out of their misery this weekend.

Walker told me I have AIDS

DPDM (5-3) at TOTO (3-5)
Home Run King pointed out that his last three losses have been by a total of 13 points. I think he was looking for some sympathy or thinking that I would admit to some elaborate conspiracy that was put in place decades ago to destroy his 2010 fantasy team. I only ended up laughing at what is the fantasy equivalent to premature ejaculation. Your players turn in solid games, you just climax a little too early. Great method of birth control, not that awesome when you’re trying to make the playoffs. This weekend try jerking it in the bathroom before RSR comes over and maybe you can last a little longer.

Buehler (6-2) at COCO (5-3)

The Cocks have been on a mighty winning streak the past five Sundays. It would seem that the Autodraft selection of Lee Evans had been willing him to victory from the sidelines. This week, ADL has ditched the Fitzpatrick-Evans Express in favor of a defensive player who he hopes can give him points of biblical proportion. When it comes to D Linemen with awesome names there is Ndamukong Suh, Stylez White, Parys Haralson, and now Israel Idonije, whose name means “baker of delicious gingerbread.”

Fellatio (1-7) at Assholes (5-3)
It’s hard to tell if GMF even pays attention to his team anymore. If Fellatio managed his team with even half the passion that he puts into his pursuit of the drinking arts, this team could be at least 2-6. The Assholes week 8 score was the equivalent of getting blanked in a World Series game. Any team that turns in a total less than the Syndrome has issues that need to be examined by a medical professional.

Tayne (5-3) at Suh (2-6)

Based on Fibonacci’s Theorem of Sequential Fantastical Achievement, NomNomNom Suh can count on a victory this week against Nude Tayne. SKR’s season has gone like this so far: L, W, L, L, W, L, L, L. A win this week would put him into position to drop the next four games before finishing off the season with a drubbing of the Syndrome.

SKC Hates You and Everything You Stand For

He's probably a terrorist

Stan hates America, The Dallas Cowboys, Capitalism (the religion, not the economic theory), hot girls, baby animals (especially puppies), science, and fantasy football.

That's the only logical reason he wouldn't post on this blog.

Stan is the love child of Hitler and Oprah. He hates everything good in this world.

Silly Ochocinco, Cereals aren't for Phone Sex

The number on the boxes, 1-800-HELP-FTC, connects callers to a seductive-sounding woman's voice and music. She teases in shocking detail and then asks for a debit or credit card number: "You must be 18 or older to get into this party, baby!"

From Charles, "They have to get the right number 1-888-Help FTC. If you dial 800 you're on your own."

Fuzzy Fridays

Theme: Hipster Pets

Ice Cream Kitty doesn't care about fried foods at the state fair.

Hipster dogs are apathetic towards the outcome of the Texas/OU game.


Panda Kitty vetoed the trade.

Bonus Fuzz! (No hipsters involved)

Do YOU have a problem with CABC becoming too adorable?

Meet Anastasia

Name: Anastasia

Age: Unknown

Breed: Jack Russell Terrier

Likes: Amphetamines, Methamphetamines

Dislikes: Balloons

Notable: Anastasia popped 100 balloons in 53.7 seconds, the fastest time ever for a dog.

And like a pack of Corgis, here comes Week 2!

Gang Tackle!

That special day...

Penis wine? Teste-torching tournaments? Has CABC really deteriorated to conversations about finding ways to consume man-parts or could it be... is it possibly because... it's ARB's BIRTHDAY?!?

Here's to hoping your day is full of liquid dick, edible balls, and whatever is going on here...

Special thanks to SKC for use of his strong arm

Monday Night Football Week 0

Tonight, in the Fortress of Solitude, the finest gentlemen in the land will draft the 26 warriors (plus one kicker and one head coach) that will fight for them this year for the title of Can't All Be Cowboys Champion Extreme. Once again, the accounting firm of BHF & George conducted a random draw of owners and draft positions to determine the order.

The envelope please.

With the First Pick in the 2010 CABC Draft, Mr. S+an Cunningham.

The rest of the order is as follows.

2. BEN

3. MMB

4. GMF

5. SKR

6. ARB

7. RSR

8. ADL

9. JBF

10. RER

For those attending tonight's event please arrive at 7pm as the first pick will be at 7:30pm. Food and drank will be provided. BYO Computer. Entertainment for the evening will be supplied by the Boise State Broncos and Virginia Tech Hokies.

Please Note: No More than 3 Spreadsheets Per Person.

ps pls rsvp asap. I look forward to seeing you all this evening.

Pork Paradise: The Bacon Explosion

Here's the thing about bacon: it's really, really bad for you, but it tastes really, really good. In that respect, bacon is like lots of things: beer, whiskey, whisky, gin, applejack, tequila, scotch, honey mead, hard cider, Cognac, and rum.

If bacon is like alcohol, consider The Bacon Explosion a four day Everclear-fueled mega-bender--it's pretty great once a year, but if you did it any more than that your organs would probably explode (see: Mardi Gras).

Here's what you're gonna need:

A Holiday Grab Bag

• My sister Brooke [insert hot sister joke here, Brooks/everyone] shared some photos of her son's 1st birthday party on Facebook. The best one:

I want to play Henry Perot, Every Week

Week 10 - Week 14+ Review

I LOSE

Week 12 Review

Shep def. Brooks (201.5-165.5)
Darren Sharper got another interception. Seriously this guy has to be some super secret Air Force experiment that they let loose into society to see what would happen. He could be an entire episode of Fringe. Peyton Manning once again saved The Colts by destroying the Texans and Charles Woodson put on a clinic against Detroit on Thursday. Dude must've eaten an entire turkey when he got home after grabbing a sack, a fumble and two interceptions, taking back one for six points. These performances were good, but not quite good enough to take down a revived Robinson team. After dropping his past few games, Shepherd decided to hope for a Thanksgiving miracle and set his team's success on the broad shoulders of Antonio Gates. 7 catches for 118 yards and 2 TDs breathed new life into the Broken Prydz. Good job, Taco, err-Shep.



Stan def. Hill (149.5-121)
The Trade Deadline came and went without any activity. I blame this entirely on Stan. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a nice guy, but he's impossible to trade with, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. Dude, I asked for Trent Cole, not Jared Allen. There isn't a player on your team I would give up my entire defense for. I offered what I thought was fair value: 2 guys named Bell and a Star Trek DVD. If you're too cool to hang out with Uhura and Bones, then you have fun up there on your high horse. Hill welcome back to America. We play 16 games in our league, next year I suggest you show up Week 1.

Y'all think he's a Democrat?

Greg def. Reed (180-138.5)
It's been a rough couple of weeks for Reed. USC throws away their title chances, Ireland gets screwed by Thierry Henry and Saskatchewan loses a heartbreaker in the Grey Cup.

Matt Ryan and Mike Turner balanced each other out this week, and zero points out of his best players is a rough way to get through a game. I don't think it really made a difference in the end. Chris Johnson is playing out of someone's mind. I'm glad that Miles Austin is playing well again and I really wish Reed the best, but damn...he's playing like the _________ (insert recent Superbowl winning team here) right now.

Jeff def. Drew (218-107)
So, how 'bout that Bulger guy? Pretty good, huh? Yeah? After losing our first meeting by half a point, it was nice to torch Drew and score the most points of the season. I think this video clip sums up the way DL played this game.


Mark def. Barry (153-148.5)
At 10:18 last night I was left speechless. Mark sent me a text message freaking out because Darren Sharper picked off Tom Brady in the 4th quarter of the Monday Night Football game. He thought that after holding off Barry for 1,070 fantasy minutes, it was all over. However, I didn't know which was more shocking- Mark actually watching MNF or Mark not knowing that Darren Sharper and Roman Harper are two different players. Mark has been impressive the past 6 weeks, but the NFC playoff picture is still hazy. Look for Barry to use his final FA pickup tonight as he attempts to lock up his spot in the postseason.

I heart VY

Week 11 Preview

Barry (215) at Jeff (170)
Following his David-esque performance against Reed last week, Jeff made a deal to strengthen his receiving corps and Defensive front. However he did not anticipate Barry swapping star WRs in order to get the Matt Schaub to Andre Johnson double-dip. This tandem is like the DQ Chocolate dipped cake cone to go along with his Waffle Bowl and Bad Attitude Sundae that is Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin. While the projection has Barry nuking Jeffrey out of the water, this matchup with likely prove to be closer than expected.

Drew (157) at Hill (163)
This game is a joke. It's almost as funny as the Mr. McGibblets song and dance. "Tickle me, and rub my belly. Tickle me, and rub my belly." [Video to follow]

Greg (182) at Shep (177)
Still in a downward spiral following his name change, it is hard to believe that Shep has not selected a new moniker for his team that will get them back on the right page. Something dignified like "Dr Pepper's Lonely Parts, Right Hand" or "Kentucky Deluxe, Wild Turkey, and Old Perot." Unfortunately we are still stuck with a picture of a woman's ass that we've all seen and a name that is over my head.

It would seem that Greg sees me as a more of a role model than I knew. I have now spent more semesters out of school than I have actually in class, and I am filled with a great sense of pride that my younger brother is following in my footsteps. Now Greg's extended summer vacation is finally winding down. He's had a lot of time to relax and reflect while at home this fall. Even though his injury was caused by working out, I think he has actually enjoyed his time in physical therapy. The Fijolek's have always had an entrepreneurial spirit dating back to the days of the family spaghetti factory in Chicago and our sock emporium, Something's A Foot. Greg and I have developed a business plan to open a chain of Fijolek Brothers BBQ-ram Yoga Centers. Instead of raising the temperature to a sweat inducing level, Greg will serve the customers barbecue until they begin suffering from the meat sweats at which point they will begin their yoga workouts.

Fijolek Brother's BBQ-ram Yoga - Home of the Matterdog

Mark (172) at Reed (145)
As Mark ventured out of the house for the first time in months to finally join the corporate world, Reed likely locked himself in his bathroom and cried the week away. Cheer up Reed, things could be worse. You could be Mark Mangino, Charlie Weis or Kurt Warner.


Stan (170) at Brooks (177)
Sir Brooks of Greenbrier faced a dilemma earlier this week with his powerback, Lord Ronnie Brown of Dolphinshire, went down for the season with a knee injury. Brooks immediately went into action, scouring over his opponents' rosters with a fine tooth comb, looking for a new RB. He now wishes that he could've made a deal with his week 11 rival to pickup Ricky Williams who picked up the slack in Brown's absence and scored 39 points for Stanley.

Things I'm Willing to Kill Stan for:

1. The mid-sized platypus (NSW, Australia)
















2. The baby camel (Somalia, Africa)


















3. The baby echidna (southeast New Guinea)