I consider myself a very spiritual person

BEN The Day After TGiving

Ladies and Genteelmen, I have an announcement...

ADL has finally arrived.

You make Little Bernard so happy.

There's nothing like a Princeton man at the helm!

"Coach Garrett, let us retire to the eating club!"

"Quite!"

Def Comedy Week 5 Preview

In honor of our friend Bernard’s move to New York City, I have selected a range of comedic performances for your viewing pleasures.

COCO (1-3) at Tayne (2-2)
COCO needs his offense to get rolling. Elisha is working a 2 game TD drought. Ochocinco hasn’t found the end zone since Week 1 and Ray Rice still has yet to score. Since starting the season with two impressive wins, Tayne has struggled in recent weeks. Things look promising this week as his offensive players have favorable matchups against weak Raider and Cardinal defenses.

Buehler (4-0) at DPDM (2-2)
After defeating the Assholes last weekend, SKC has the lead in the NFC. But with Run DMC benched against San Diego this week, the Friend-me-nots and Maurice Jones-Drew could pull an upset over the undefeated LSAT Preparatory Class Graduate.

Syndrome (0-4) at Suh (1-3)
A lot of attention was paid to BEN’s WR breakdown during MNF, but no one was surprised when Mike Sims-Walker and Legedu Naanee both delivered 0 point games Week 4. Now with Donald Driver on this team, JBF hopes the Syndrome will finally be able to put a tally in the win column. SKR has his top players going head to head in a Monday Night matchup where he hopes Brett Favre will be able to get the passing game going with his new toy.

Fellatio (0-4) at TOTO (3-1)
MMB comes into this matchup as 35-point favorites. After declaring a fire sale of his players, GMF failed to make any radical roster moves this week. Cutler has been lost to injury and unless Chris Johnson can finally get going against the Cowboys, it could be another slow week for Foxborough Fellatio.

Celery Men (4-0) at Assholes (3-1)
Coming off his brutal defeat at the hands of David Buehler’s Rejects, the newly relocated Nerdwell aims to level the playing field against ARB in this week’s headline matchup. The Celery Men are taking a chance this week by playing still unproven Chiefs players against a 2-2 Colts team with something to prove. This game looks to be one for the ages as BEN is currently favored only by his 5-point Home Field Advantage.

Caption Contest 2010

Have at it folks. Especially if you are a reader from Ashburn, Virginia.

Hermano is Spanish for Brother...

Before we get started and I carry on the 10th team's tradition of getting its ass handed to it week after week (Hill told me it was a strong tactic to draft players that tore their ACL three days before our draft--looking at you, Montario), I'd like to thank everyone for the opportunity to take part in what I--and some guy in Virginia--consider to be the finest fantasy football league in all the land.

After the addition of yours truly--along with Reed, Jeff, Greg, and Barry--there are now five brothers in the CABC. Below is a little video dedicated to brotherhood:

Monday Night Football Week 0

Tonight, in the Fortress of Solitude, the finest gentlemen in the land will draft the 26 warriors (plus one kicker and one head coach) that will fight for them this year for the title of Can't All Be Cowboys Champion Extreme. Once again, the accounting firm of BHF & George conducted a random draw of owners and draft positions to determine the order.

The envelope please.

With the First Pick in the 2010 CABC Draft, Mr. S+an Cunningham.

The rest of the order is as follows.

2. BEN

3. MMB

4. GMF

5. SKR

6. ARB

7. RSR

8. ADL

9. JBF

10. RER

For those attending tonight's event please arrive at 7pm as the first pick will be at 7:30pm. Food and drank will be provided. BYO Computer. Entertainment for the evening will be supplied by the Boise State Broncos and Virginia Tech Hokies.

Please Note: No More than 3 Spreadsheets Per Person.

ps pls rsvp asap. I look forward to seeing you all this evening.

Mike Tomlin Owes Me Cash Money

I think Mike Tomlin is a great coach. He's the kind of hard-nosed tough-guy that the Cowboys need to come in and run their organization. That is why I decided he would be the perfect coach for my team when I selected him at the beginning of the season. But it would seem that both the Steelers and the Lunchbox have had their fair share of difficulties this year. And who do I blame for these shortcomings? Mike Tomlin.

The King is dead, long live the King [subtitle: Week 10 Review]

Greg def. Stan
If there's one person Stan hates more than Greg right now, it's Chris Johnson. In their week 4 match-up, Johnson only tallied 13 points and Greg still won the game. This week his 45.5 points made up for the rest of G's anemic offense, sending Stan to the bottom of the AFC.

Brenda Warner looks like mannequin from hell

Brooks def. Hill
Aside from the Cowboys' slip-up, it truly was a perfect weekend for Brooks. Donovan McNabb threw for 450 yards and the Eagles still managed to lose the game. In the end it was another embarrassing week for Hill. Despite Carson Palmer and Ryan Grant winning clutch games, but their performances were just bad when you look at the big picture.

Mark def. Shep
Since overestimating his level of creativity and changing his team name, Shepherd has dropped four straight games and fallen from the top of the AFC to an uncomfortable 3rd. No doubt cold and lonely, Shepherd coulda, woulda, shoulda pressed submit when altering his roster earlier this weekend. Now it appears that he may finish out of the money, an unfortunate turn of events for this recent Horned Frogs superfan who is hoping to follow his team to a BCS Bowl come January.

Mark's recent success can only be attributed to one thing: New Diet Extra Extreme Vanilla Muscle Milk Grape Wave Fever Crush, now with extra Diet. After a weak start to the season, Mark has established himself as a player in the NFC playoff race.

Jeff def. Reed
Well, well, well. Up until now Reed has dominated the league. This noob took the league by storm. I remember the season projections that our commissioner calculated many fortnights ago valued Double-Rs team at the bottom of the league, but Cedric Benson, Reggie Wayne and an undrafted sensation from Monmouth helped him establish the longest win streak to start a season in CABC history. And while I take pride and pleasure in my slaying of this dragon, I know that this small bump in the road will probably just make the beast more angry. I pity those who must face this great animal in coming weeks and any of his playoff foes. Allow us to take a moment and remember the awemazing 9-0 start from the team that is still number one in our hearts, Mark's First Attempt At This.

[Edit]
Barry def. Drew
Bernard T. Nerdw_ll felt left out when I did not include his victory over Drew in this review. He wanted to know if it was because he was black. No Barry I did not leave you out because you're black. I am posting this because you are though.

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Week 9 Preview

Brooks (180) at Stan (123)
This is a game with huge AFC playoff implications. With both teams tied at 4-4, the winner of this game will likely take the top stop at the end of this week. These guys are usually great about filling me in on the action when I am unable to watch a game, but I will ask everyone to refrain from discussing anything about the Cowboys-Eagles primetime matchup tonight. I will be down in Tucson for the evening, but I will watch every minute of the game when I return home. Thanks for your understanding.

Reed (168) at Shep (128)
Tall and Thin vs Tall and used to be Thin. Reed wins and continues his league domination. Shepherd cries.

Greg (186) at Mark (161)
This matchup features two hot teams with season saving wins the past couple of weeks. Greg is still in the playoff hunt in the AFC and Mark is looking to play spoiler for his NFC rivals. While The Greg is favored in this matchup, his team has been horrible on the road this season and Marky Mark could pick up another victory today and continue his rise from the bottom.

Jeff (181) at Barry (156)
All eyes will be on this light-heavyweight bout this weekend. With the top playoff spot in the NFC likely reserved for RR, these two competitors are fighting for a spot to play for the cash. Jeff is lucky enough to play his road game against Barry with Adrian Peterson sitting out for the week. With this rematch coming in Week 11, there is sure to be bad blood stemming from the outcome of this weekends game.

Hill (160) at Drew (182)
The two worst teams in the league. This essentially is the play-in game for the NCAA tournament. Yeah, you have to play it, but there's no chance that the victor poses a threat to win another game.

Humanitarianism is gay

Merry Xmas

Bad Conspiracy Theory of the Week

Picture from ToothpasteForDinner

 

What if the NFL was really a brainwashing mechanism? What if Roger Goodell wasn't just the commissioner of the league, but a Frankenstein like scientist who wanted to push the laws of nature to create a HDTV-Truck-Beer hybrid? What if The Grooler was only the beginning?