THE EPIC 2012 CABC SEASON PREVIEW

Welcome to the CABC Preview

Alright boys and girls, this is the big one.

Let's get started:

COWS WIN!!!

America's Team AND God's Team

OGLETREE!!!

First and goal at the 1? NOT UP IN HERE!

DEZ can't go to the shake joint, but he can bring the shake joint to him.

Overall, a superb effort. Very proud of the Boys.

It just tastes so good.

Drumroll please.................

And now, I give to you the 2012 CABC Draft Order as determined by the accounting firm of BHF & George.

Preseason Game 2: Can you feel it?

After an absolute barn-burner in the first preseason game, the Cowboys are back.

Let's hope that our offensive line made of scotch tape and tissue paper holds up.

GET PUMPED!!! NOTHING LIKE PRESEASON FOOTBALL!!!

THE DOUBLE J RISES

Inside JerryWorld

Jason Garrett: TELL ME ABOUT GOODELL! WHY DOES HE WEAR THE MASK???

Sean Payton: [fearful silence]

Garrett executes Gregg Williams

Sean Payton: Whatever you do to me, he'll do worse.

Roger Goodell: Right you are, brother!

Garrett: Ahh! How the fuck did you get in here?

Goodell: That is none of your concern! The fire rises.

Garrett: What the fuck are you talking about?

Goodell: Your punishment must be more severe!

Grabs Garrett, tattoos "8-8 FOREVER" on his forehead.

The Goddamn Double J: Unhand that ginger faggot!

Goodell: Mr. Jones! I am the Cowboys' reckoning. You will watch as your team misses the playoffs and when Cowboys Stadium is ashes, then, Mr. Jones, then you have my permission get drunk and fire your coach.

The Goddamn Double J: We've got two new stud cornerbacks. Romo is a GODDAMN star. DeMarcus is the NFL sack KING! We're winnin' it all this year! Nothing you can do will stop me!

Goodell: You realize I must kill you now.

 The Goddamn Double J: Help me Wolfman Rob!

Wolfman Rob: [howls angrily]

Goodell: NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!!

The Goddamn Double J: YEEEHAWWWW!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!

Garrett: Do you ever miss it here, Sean?

Payton: No.

CABC 2011: WEEK 13 PREVIEW

Can you hear that? 

Every time a Mike Leach gets a job, a mediocre Texas high school quarterback gets his wings.

BEN The Day After TGiving

CABC 2011: WEEK 11 PREVIEW

RIVALRY WEEK! COWBOYS! TURKEY! KARAOKE!

Trainwrecks of the Week

CABC 2011: WEEK 6 PREVIEW

I know how to use my words. In fact, this week's preview checks in at over 650 of them! I'd really appreciate it if you all would check it out. Thanks guys,  MMB  JBF

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Week 4 Review: The CABC Classic

Heroes

We started a new tradition this year at CABC: The CABC Classic. League members from across the country gathered this weekend to attend a Cowboys game. The game ended in a loss, but the weekend was an overwhelming success.

MNF: Redskins at Cowboys!

Spoiler Alert: The indians die of smallpox, the cowboys go on to create western civilization.

Analysis after the jump.

CABC 2011: WEEK 1 PREVIEW

Clipboards at Baiters

Second round pick Peyton Manning is already becoming a pain in the neck for the Baiters. Now he has Nacho Sanchez leading this team across the border followed by Jason Campbell and Andy Dalton. Good thing he’s done with school (still need to fact check this) because fixing this team is going to be a full time job for SKR. Already his week one game against the Clipboard Army is not going well. Both sides had four players go in the Thursday night game with SKC turning in a dominant performance led by Drew Brees. 43.5 points is higher than any week turned in by Birthmark last season, which makes The Clipboards pray that he is forced to play from behind all year long.

SKR hoping for the return of Johnny U

Assholes at Raditude

On a team completely devoid of Cowboys players, Darkness has both Super Bowl QBs anchoring his 2011 lineup. Aaron Rodgers was bad ace in the Thursday night game, giving the Assholes an early lead going into this weekend’s matchup. His week 1 opponent, Stabbin’ Dude With Raditude, is hoping to come out swinging after a miserable 2010 season. Honestly, miserable doesn’t begin to describe last year. Two wins. Twelve losses. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that bullshit, but looking back, that team couldn’t win at the Special Olympics. The Syndrome had four Bills players, which is four too many. Good things do not happen when Ryan Fitzpatrick is your Spirit Animal. Ownership should be so embarrassed by this performance that he should be forced to submit to a retroactive taintsman punishment.

Nothing says Harvard like a Fugbeard

Repeat at Hangover

At first glance, the Afternoon Hangover’s roster is a Who’s Who of Cowboy opponents this season. Lions and Giants and Pats, Oh My! I set the O/U for games in which MMB starts Elisha at QB and both Giant receivers at 5.5. Already first round pick Arian Foster is a game time decision for week 1 making this battle against defending champs I GOT THIS an uphill battle. Repeat’s tandem of Marmalard (Philip Rivers) and Actual Tub of Lard (Matt Stafford) makes his team a formidable foe.

Nips that would make BELK jealous

Tit Gypsies at Airboats

Despite making a boner move in selecting Vick first overall, GMF has already wowed the league with his team name. It is quite literally, The Tits. Now, this may start to get into NSFW territory, so let me know if we need to start pulling out some abbrev’s. GMF, how is it possible that you don’t know how league scoring works after all this time? Also, somehow G manages to select his favorite player, Bironas, every season. I know I speak for everyone when I hope that CABC’s Mr. Irrelevant and honorary league member, Sam Acho, makes an impact for the Tit Gypsies this season. ARB on the other hand has the meanest defense this side of the Maginot Line. Combined with Matt Ryan’s cannon, the AiRBoats will no doubt be in the playoff hunt all season. Will 2011 finally be the year ARB takes that next step to win the CABC Title? How long will SILKY ride the pine? These answers and more in the weeks to come!

Fact: Hook is the greatest film of all time.

Turtles at Bye Week

This week’s spotlight matchup is the first rivalry game of the season. The clear edge has to go to RSR this weekend as he carries a roster with two QBS, a well-paid Chris Johnson, and emotional anchor DeMarcus Ware. RER on the other hand chose the wrong Packers for last night’s game and might have trouble digging himself out of this hole. With Collins as the starter in Indy, BYE WEEK has to shift around his receiving corps and hope that the Panthers have a seasons supply of Cammy Cam juice mixed up and ready for their new star.

The Dandiest Dandies in town. Sally would be so proud.

JBF's Adventures in Ambien: Episode 1

In which JBF goes Christmas shopping in his own head, watches the Food Network and overhears his neighbors bickering about their tax returns. Turns out, it was Guy Fieri all along.

The Cowboys go forth as conquering heroes

A visual approximation of the Cowboys' grandeur

BONUS GIF:

Big Ben's fatal flaw: although Richard Seymour was drunk, he never did join a sorority.

It just smells so good

Dallas Sports Armageddon?

The dream of Dallas sports' dominance is over

Do you remember when the Cowboys were a hot Superbowl pick?

Do you remember when the Rangers were up 2-0 and heading home to close the series?

Yesterday was a nightmare. It could get worse tomorrow.

EDIT: Cliff Lee descended from the heavens to save the season. Owe you one, Jesus.  

Courtesy P1 Robby

Catharsis

MIKE JENKINS

BOYS WIN!!! BOYS WIN!!! BOYS WIN!!!