Wednesday, December 29, 2010

We Have A Winner

Congratulations to the 2010 CABC Champion

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!


Merry Christmas, CABC!!!

Witness a Christmas Miracle: A new CABC Champion will be born this year.

In this coming battle between ADL and RSR, I hope that they choose to eschew football and instead have a brothers vs. brothers battle royale. I would pay tons of money to see J---- and R--- fight. ADL vs RSR would be less epic, but also interesting.

Hope you guys got a lot of presents this year,


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The King is Dead! Long Live the King!

Well well well... the auto-drafter has beaten the statistically-perfect juggernaut, and Nerdwell's tyrannical reign has finally come to a definite end (Does it need to be said that the Nudest of Taynes would've also beaten ARB? No, because I've already harped on it half a dozen times now, but hey, it never hurts to drive the point home--THANKS ALOT A LOT, GMF!).

Nevertheless, the final duel comes down to this. Excuse me while I sit in the back and make a profane yet apathetic wanking motion.

Thursday, December 16, 2010




The playoff brackets have been re-seeded. Please acquaint yourself with your new foe.

As I seemingly note every year, there is no home field advantage in the playoffs.

I plan on pouring out several bottles of choice booze and sacrificing a lamb to the Football Gods to ensure my victory this week. I suggest you do the same.

Last but not least,

All you fuckers are going down this year.


Get ready!

Playoffs begin tonight!

Great regular season CABC!

Barry prepare to be:


While I rather play Allen's Autodrafts over eventual league champion B. Narwhal Jr., there is a professional football game tonight!

(Click picture to enlarge n00bish commishing)

Also, I'd like my five homefield advantage points.

Picture Unrelated

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


You know what, GMF? If you could organize your team as well as you organize cats, you wouldn't have STARTED TROY SMITH AND LEFT ALEX SMITH ON THE BENCH WITH 34 POINTS. Thus losing to an anemic COCO team, thus losing ME my spot in the PLAYOFFS, thus denying ME CABC HISTORY.

I wish I had a Gibbons to throw at you right now.

JBF's Adventures in Ambien: Episode 1

In which JBF goes Christmas shopping in his own head, watches the Food Network and overhears his neighbors bickering about their tax returns. Turns out, it was Guy Fieri all along.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Next Time, Don't Even Try

In an attempt to impress his son/comic book club buddies/newest piddle friends, this guy just gave the entire internet a lesson in momentum that Doug Rummel could only hope to compare to. Bravo on not splitting your pants in the process, Sir.

Monday, December 6, 2010

JBF's Ambien Adventures: Episode 0

I saw this today at Tooth Paste For Dinner. It reminded me of someone we know.

I'd like to encourage JBF to continue this series with true tales from his nightly Ambien-induced dreamscape.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Friendly Message from Student Affairs

Gotta get it in wherever you can, I guess...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Giant Hath Been Slain Today

Congratulations, Syndrome. Your performance this weekend was a true David & Goliath story. Proud of you, big guy. As for Nerdwell... what the hell happened??? Were you resting on your laurels from your big week 11 victory?

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Fuzzgiving!

While no creature can ever compare to a lvl. 5 Gibbons pocket monster (who I plan to trade for through Rush seduction), this Thanksgiving featured plenty of cheerful canines dressed in traditional turkey attire to celebrate the massacre of America's natives.

The Gibbons Birthday Spectacular

Happy Birthday, Lord Gibbons McCoy Rush.

May your winning personality and roguish good looks stay with you forever.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Update: Gif!

2011 CABC Draft: Tromsø, Norway!

Full screen this puppy.

Werk Tomorrow :(

Enjoy the holidays CABC!

See you tomorrow night!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

How to Slay a Giant

Take 2 parts Weekly MVP performance from Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger, add a dash of defensive fortitude, and mix well with opponents' underperformance and injury. Bake at 350 for five days.

Results should resemble photo:
Congrats, BEN. You earned it.

Holy Crap I Won! Suckit!

I will celebrate my victory with gifs and karate!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Cowboys go forth as conquering heroes

A visual approximation of the Cowboys' grandeur
Big Ben's fatal flaw: although Richard Seymour was drunk, he never did join a sorority.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Week 11 Preview: The Most Adorable Preview Ever

It is rivalry week for CABC pitting brothers against brothers, black against white, traditionally handsome versus “man-pretty,” and lifelong friends facing off in a battle royal. But that is not the only major event this weekend. On a sports day that gets a B- at best (seriously, you’re playing a football game with only one endzone; What is this, The Winston School?) Animal Planet saves the day with not one, but two clashes of cuteness. Following an afternoon of Pitbulls and Parolees, this mainstay of basic cable brings us programs that should be called Persians and Preciousness or Dalmatians and Dandyism. Ladies and gentlemen, America’s Cutest Cat and America’s Cutest Dog 2010 pageants will air tonight starting at 8pm et (check local listings).
But in case you’re some sort of Nazi who hates pets and their sweet, sweet faces, I give you now the CABC Week 11 matchups:

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Thursday Night Football

Just a friendly reminder to set your lineups tonight. So, uhh, get your lineups set.

If by some incredible miracle any of you East coasters are going to see Harry Potter tonight and you text me any spoilers, I swear to God I'll cut your dick off and sell it on eBay.

Vladimir Putin: Is he actually The Beastmaster?

Seriously, have you ever seen a world leader with more animsls?

Do you know that he's having a nationwide contest to name his puppy right now?

PS: Hey Obama, please don't ever play with your Star Wars toys in public again. The US is sort of a big deal. This is the photo they're showing of you in Best Korea.
Michelle cannot fucking believe this shit.

Russia Utilizes Greatest Weapon: Cuteness

After we emerged as Earth's true superpower from the Cold War, the reds have been looking to get back at us ever since.

The suburban espionage ploy was quickly foiled by the spy's pseudo love for hydrangeas.

But now the commies plot their most ambitious attack through ADORABLE ANIMALS.

Putin is so crafty in his sea creature teachings


Aerial Assault

Sea Monsters! (Check out adoring Russie in da back)

Whoever compiled this list is a weirdo, but I respect their keen eye and dedicated commie watch.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Is Shepherd Alex Ebert from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes???? MAYBE!

I am a little hazy as to the status of Shepherd's daily, but I do know he resides somewhere in North Texas, holds complete disregard for the days of the week, and is a man of his word.

Shepherd swore vengeance on S.KinsleyC.'s week 1 victory, and with a promising 134 Week 10 total, SKR beat the shit out of Stanley's pathetic performance.


Anyway, enjoy "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, familiar to CABC as the song featured in the new NFL commercial.

Additionally, how many of you have access to your illegitimate children? We can stage a real-life Angry Birds game like in dis vid:

There's nothing like a Princeton man at the helm!

"Coach Garrett, let us retire to the eating club!"


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Week 10 Review: HypnoKitty

HypnoKitty mortgaged your souls, securitized the mortgages, and then sold the resulting CDOs to a pension fund for school nurses.
Some thoughts:
Minimalist Street Fighter
  • I'd like to congratulate RSR for his fantastic Week 10 performance. He is your Weekly Champion.
  • Michael Vick put up a monstrous 67 points to capture the Week 10 MVP.
  • Zach Morris was the most popular kid at Bayside for several years. How is that possible? Wouldn't some Senior just shove him in a locker when he was a Sophomore? This issue needs further research.
  • GMF, SKR, and JBF all have significantly higher points against than the rest of the league.
  • I'll put out a playoff preview this week where I discuss the more exotic scenarios of how to put your terrible teams in a playoff spot. 
  • Believe it or not, The Cowboys aren't out of the playoffs yet either. The home Superbowl is still alive. I'll give you a proof of concept in our playoff post.
  • The recent Four Loko ban has shocked the entire NYC area, but ADL was hit especially hard.
  • Because of the departure of Wade Phillips, Dallas officially has a nickname gap.
  • Is "Garrett-Top" the best nickname we can come up with? Surely we can do better.
  • I watched Predators last night. Predators : Awesome :: Sex in the City 2 : Terrible.
  • Has there ever been a team that attracted as many front runners as the 2010 Miami Heat?
  • There was some speculation that the Cowboys could land the same draft pick two years in a row if there was a full lockout next year. Sadly, that is unlikely. There will be a straight lottery following any lockout years.
  • Appending "This is a referendum on Obama" to everyday speech is quickly becoming my favorite way to interact with strangers.
  • MMB has lost six games in a row. This is a referendum on Obama.
  • The new backscatter x-ray machines ("full-body scanners") use ionizing radiation. The effects of this type of radiation is additive. As in, the more you get scanned, your chances for skin cancer and cataracts continue to increase. You should opt out of these types of scans. The radiation dose from a single scan is negligible, but you should still ask for a pat down instead.
  • Brine your turkey this Thanksgiving. Trust me.
  • New stuff that is good: Girl Talk album, The Walking Dead, Dexter, Conan, The War For Late Night by Bill Carter, "Historical Name Dropping in Lost" by Stuff You Missed in History Class (podcast), and The Wages of Wins Journal.
Yes, I would. I really really really would.
 Ok, good talk. See you out there.