Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Greg's Guide to Nutrition

Mark has recently been trying to gain weight, so today I shared with him some tips on how I have done so well in this field in the past. So I have decided to share with you all some of my nutrition tips.
  • Humans, like cows, have two stomachs. If at first you feel full, ignore the uncomfortable pains you are having and power through, continuing to eat. You will reach that second stomach and the second wind needed to finish your meal and the meals of those around you.
  • If at a restaurant that has a selection of steaks, do not order the small filet. That is unacceptable. I suggest a 16 oz. ribeye; however, if there is an option that is 24 oz. with a bone attached to the piece of meat, that should be your cut of choice. Also, don't be afraid to encourage a light eater at your table to share a porterhouse with you, as you will be able to enjoy nearly the whole steak.
  • Again at a steakhouse, to accompany your sizable cut of prime beef, you must order at least two sides. Ideally two different types of potato products would be suggested, e.g mashed potatoes and potatoes a gratin. However, it is acceptable to substitute mac and cheese for one potato product, especially if the mac and cheese has some sort of pork product included in its creamy deliciousness.

Tune in next week for suggestions on how to pick a good restaurant.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Caption Contest 2

Winner receives a framed copy.

Oh Shit! Y'all Won't Belive Who I Saw Today!

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Monday, October 26, 2009

Jay Cutler will always suck

Sports Videos, News, Blogs

Contract Signing Caption Contest!

"Wow. This is a ton easier when they don't have arms or legs."

Our beloved Dallas Cowboys have just signed Ware for 6 more years with $40M guaranteed. Let's celebrate by having a caption contest!

Winner receives one free domestic light beer of my choosing.


Saturday, October 24, 2009

SMU Soccer

Friday, October 23, 2009

Week 7 Preview

Jeff (3-3, 117) at Mark (1-5, 90)
Just when I think Mark doesn't actually care about fantasy because his season is over, he makes some free agent moves and agrees to a trade with Barry. Now it's safe to assume that Barry knows a little more about football than Mark does. Hell Mark doesn't even know what channel ESPN is on his DirecTV (206), but when I woke up to an accepted trade review, I couldn't help but feel a little proud for MMB for holding his own against the Big Bad Wolf and making what I feel to be a decent trade. Will these moves give Mark a chance to beat me this week? Ha.
Edit: Mark is at 14 waiver pickups. I repeat, Mark is at 14 waiver pickups and he still has not cut Kerry Collins.

Brooks (3-3, 123) at Hill (1-5, 51.5)
Last week Hill cried foul to everyone in the league who would listen (Greg, Reed - I assume he didn't have y'alls numbers, lucky bastards). He said that he lost his game last week because of the five point homefield advantage that has been a part of this league since its inception. Funny, I thought he lost because he has a roster of shitty players. We've all been in the same situation before and we've all dealt with it. Face it Hill, you went up against Tom Brady and lost. You're Bridget Moynahan's birth control.

Shep (5-1, 104) at Greg (2-4, 74.5)
Shepherd has taken a two game lead in the AFC despite playing in some of the lowest scoring games all season. On top of that, he decided to change his team name midseason. This could have been a prank played by an angry league manager who lost to Shep last week, but I still expect something a little more creative from both of them. Greg is phoning it in this week. He's known for weeks that this game would be an L because of injuries plaguing his team and the inability to start players at all offensive positions. And he's in New York and we don't have the internet at the apartment...

Drew (3-3, 88.5) at Reed (6-0, 116.5)
This game has been dubbed by many (read Jeff and Reed) as The Bye-Week Brawl. Reed doesn't have any defensive players to begin with and the few on Drew's roster all have the week off. Reed made a gutsy move picking up Miles Austin during the bye week, but that looks like it might pay off as he replaces Patrick Crayton in the Cowboys' starting lineup. He also picked up Michael Crabtree, a player that I don't see outperforming Reggie Wayne, Steve Breaston, or Bruce Leroy to make it into Reed's starting lineup.

"I complain better than I catch"

Barry (3-3, 97.5) at Stan (3-3, 139)
I had the pleasure of spending last weekend with Stan and his cousin, Nora. The two of them had a great time going to the fair: melting the butter sculpture with their loving stares, touching knees on the Caterpillar roller-coaster, waiting in line for matching shirts with their names airbrushed on them. I don't know if they're related on his mom's or dad's side, but those two displayed a familial bond that you just don't see that often these days.

Barry presented me with exciting news last night. He and I have a running contest to determine who can spot more/better celebrities around town. While informing me of his stellar spots last night, he let slip a little secret. Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you all to the TMI Theatre....
__Scene One__
BN: Troy at Javier's
BN: Modano as well
JF: I knew there had to be another one
BN: Mike is sitting behind me with this girl and some group and Troy is with the fam right in roby [sic] of me
BN: Isn't mike married to willa ford?
JF: yes he is
BN: She's next to us as well. I thought I remembered he was married to me.....
BN: Married to her
JF: right...
BN: Kill yourself
__End Scene__
Did number 9 acknowledge his true lover? Has Barry finally revealed his deepest, darkest secret? Did Rhonda order the Escalope Cordon Azul or the Pollo Ahumado? Stay tuned for the next episode of TMI Theatre.

Let's get something straight. I like making fun of Jesus, but I love making fun of Kurt Warner. What gives old man? Is it milk or the holy ghost that gives you your gunslinging abilities?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Oh Shit

Twitter on Xbox?!?!

What were your other two wishes, Stan?

In Other News...

Steve Phillips has been suspended from ESPN for sleeping with a PA.

I don't care how big he wants to play this up, I think we all breathe a sigh of relief when Jerry actually turns down a "significant offer." When I saw this headline I first read significant other, and everyone knows JJ doesn't turn that down because he's got women all over town.

Brooks and Stan can tell you about their PB experiences, but for the rest of you, let me know if y'all are interested in going in on this. As it continues to rain in TX and LA, out here in Phoenix we are enjoying highs of 85 and nighttime lows in the mid-60s. Perfect for a day out with the old metal detector and shovel.

And personally, I would still choose to be shot in the chest than any other areas.

We all need to come up with a team uniform before the new zombie hunt begins. Fuck and Yes.

This Post is Pornographic


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Putting out an APB

Just spotted, tan new model Chevy Impala. Arizona plates: HALOFRK
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Weirdo Watch Episode II: Attack of the Wha?

As I entered my Best Buy of choice (Store #253, Phoenix AZ) I observed a woman sitting on the bench outside applying lip gloss. It was a pink pearlescent hue that did not go with her leathery 60 year old skin or her mens briefcase. I went inside and picked up my copy of EA Sports Fifa Soccer 10 for the XBOX360 and browsed the new release dvds. When I emerged from the store 10 minutes later, she was still outside, still on the bench, still applying her lip gloss. Now this is the same Best Buy where I saw a van-load of individuals who were genetically rewarded with an extra chromosome on their day out to play the test version of Rock Band, so I would not be surprised if she was just left behind. Apologies for not including a picture, the one I took did not capture all the qualities that I would have liked it to.
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Monday, October 19, 2009

Came in the Wrong Hole (NSFW)

I'm glad to know that I was (allegedly) her first "job" on her long road to success.

Delicious and Nutritious: The Offerings of Texas vs. OU

As I sit here devouring a pork cheddar 'n jalapeno sausage, I find myself wanting more out of the tasty treat. Sure, it satisfies 3 out of the 4 major food groups (meat, cheddar, and spicy stuff, the fourth being tobacco), but it just doesn't feel right. Everyone knows that meals on a stick are simply more scrumptious. Unlike Oprah, I did not peruse the entirety of the offerings thrice-over, but I did get down to business with a handful of Fletcher's corny dogs and beer with little pieces of wax from the cup floating in it. And it took me back to my childhood. On the way to the game at the buttcrack of 9 in the morning, father Robinson got on the horn to tell his bud that "I smell like a still; I'm hungover and need a corny dog". He was exactly right. Fuck airborne, coffee, emergen-c, or whatever other crackpot hangover cures you might use. Fletcher's is the way to go.

Some say that this is the most formidable college football spectacle around. I, for one, have never been to the Army-Navy game, the other spectacle, nor do I ever intend to attend. Those dudes scare me with their high & tight haircuts and beefy military lingo. So I'm just going to stick with this:

Thanks for the tip... but I got a game to watch.

Why was it so much more difficult to find a ticket to this game than others? I know some of my fantasy brethren would have enjoyed going. Maybe this can get your adrenaline pumping. Cue "The Eyes of Texas"

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sanchez: 10 of 29 for 119 yards, 0 TDs, 5 INTs and the loss.

 Sanchez set a CABC record by scoring an incredible -10.5 points
I was going to write a long post about Sanchez single-handedly losing my fantasy game this week, but then I found this little gem on a google image search for "get it together". The picture really sums up his performance nicely.

W.R. Lynn is a pilot for Southwest

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Friday, October 16, 2009

Week 6 Preview

Greg (2-3, 96.5) at Jeff (2-3, 115.5)
Jeffrey : Peyton :: Gregory : Eli :: Allison : Cooper. I mean yeah, I'm a champion gunslinger, big whoop. Greg is the dopier, slightly retardeder sibling. Nobody really knows that Allison even exists, but she is smarter than us all.

After dropping 3 straight, Jeff has to fix things before it's too late. Jump starting his team may not be possible this week with his breadwinner Drew Brees in a battle against the Giants. Greg comes in as the underdog because TE Kevin Boss can't get no love from ESPN.

Shep (4-1, 86) at Brooks (3-2, 99.5)
Shepherd's big win over Jeff in Week 5 meant that he took the AFC lead away from Brooks. If trash talking were a crime, then the interstate banter between these two players this week would've been federal. This is guaranteed to be a close game because Brooks has 6 players with bye weeks and Shepherd's team isn't that good to begin with.

Hill (1-4, 114.5) at Barry (2-3, 103) After taking the second place spot in the NFC, Barry knows that he must protect his ground against Hill this week. A loss here could send him back down the rankings and leave him climbing uphill the rest of the season. King Eugene also hopes that he will have the chance to meet with the One and Only King James of Akron. Barry, having conquered the Great Swine Flu of Mexico, can offer up his strategies on how to defeat the mighty plague.
These 24 year-old Chinese ballerinas don't want to catch Swine Flu from LeBron (or Barry)

Stan (3-2, 104) at Reed (5-0, 73)
I know most of you all do not have Twitter, so I decided to copy Stan's feed from yesterday's Balloon Boy fiasco.

Drew (2-3, 108.5) at Mark (1-4, 90)
Drew is enjoying a romantic weekend in the city. Mark is enjoying Aaron Rodgers going up against the Lions. Drew is going to dine out and have a good time. Mark will probably sleep through the TX-OU game. Drew is having to deal with a cold city full of Yankee fans. Mark is still colorblind. Drew has a job. Mark doesn't know what time the Cowboys play this week.

Verdict: TOSS UP

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Grand Theft Auto 5: Washington State

This kid tear-assing around Washington State, looking for adventure is my entry for Badass of the Year 2009.

I can't do the story justice, but here are a few highlights:
  • "Colton 'Colt' Harris-Moore has been linked to crimes in five counties involving planes, luxury cars and boats."
  • Despite no formal training, Colt "looked at flight manuals and how to fly a plane", and taught himself to fly.
  • "In 2008, a deputy said he spotted Harris-Moore in a stolen Mercedes-Benz, but he lost the suspect when he allegedly dove from the moving vehicle."
This guy has Rambo's elusiveness, The Joker's dramatic flair, and James Bond's collateral damage. I wonder if anyone has optioned his life rights yet...


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

100% Whale Penis, Motherfucker!

What kinda penis are your Maybach's seats covered in? What? You got regular fuckin' cow leather, you broke ass bitch? Take a look at what I'm rollin' in:

   THE PROMBRON- Stalin's SUV of choice

1. Ruby Red matte paint
2. Gold-plated bulletproof windows
3. 22" Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
4. Whale Penis Leather interior
5. Tungsten exhaust
6. Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
7. White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges - grill, side and dashboard
8. Special edition Vertu mobile phone with "alert" button
9. Additional outside Kevlar coating
10. Rogue Acoustic Audio System.
These days, if you ain't got whale penis, then you ain't got shit.

Found this in Reed's room...don't really know if it has anything to do with his 5-0 start

Monday, October 12, 2009

Josh McDaniels and Hitler: Both Started 5-0!

Does this make the Bengals' loss to the Broncos in week 1 analogous to allowing Hitler to annex the Sudentenland?

If the Broncos are Germany, and the AFC are the axis powers, who are the allied powers in the NFC? Could the Giants be America? Does that make the Vikings Great Britain? Does Peter King have an epic Brett Favre as Winston Churchill WW2 saga waiting in the wings?

/Wait, so who are the Cowboys?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Mark has a busy morning

7 Free Agent pickups before gametime. Will it help him win this week? Child Please.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Week 5 Preview

Brooks (3-1, 112) at Barry (1-3, 116)
Matchup Resembles: Niners-Falcons
Barry has started the season against some mediocre teams who have had players who exploded for big games. This week he gets to go up against Brooks who will have to go without his top two defensive players, Darren Sharper and Charles Woodson.

Jeff (2-2, 91) at Shep (3-1, 86)
Matchup Resembles: Bengals-Ravens
After starting 2-0, Jeff has lost his last two games. The rest of the season will be different though because Jeff was so moved by the NFL's "Pink Appreciation Week" that he went out and bought himself a new pair of receivers' gloves. Perfect for snatching pans out of the oven or just accessorizing for a night on the town, sticky pink gloves make a great gift and an equally good band name.

Drew (1-3, 91) at Greg (2-2, 120.5)
Matchup Resembles: Lions-Steelers
Lassiter really needs Tom Brady to take the step from Average to Tom Brady if he hopes to move up from his position at the bottom of the league. Greg's point projection is higher than I would award since his two starting quarterbacks are on their bye weeks and Chris Johnson scoring 28 points against the Colts is unlikely.

Hill (1-3, 95) at Reed (4-0, 99.5)
Matchup Resembles: Raiders-Giants
On paper this matchup is much closer than it will actually turn out on Sunday. Hill continues to try every trick to try and improve his team including sending Jeff a check for $200 to try and get him to doctor the points. I would recommend everyone else do the same.

Stan (2-2, 106) at Mark (1-3, 92)
Matchup Resembles: Texans-Cards
Neither team is supposed to score very many points in this battle. But while Stan keeps Tony Romo on the bench until he can work his way out of the doghouse, Mark has resorted to attempting backroom deals with Barry and Jeff. If anyone is willing to put their starting QB on the line, Mark is looking to make a bet to see who has a lower level of total body fat.

Kurt Warner draws like a 4 year old

Friday, October 9, 2009

WANTED: Vampire & Zombie Actors & Makeup Artists - no experience necessary! - ASU Art Museum

"Jillian Mcdonald, Social Studies artist-in-residence at ASU Art Museum seeks participants in a video installation for her November exhibit at ASU. Interested parties will attend an information session and audition on Oct. 15th at 11 a.m.; attend a rehearsal on Oct. 22nd starting at 11 a.m.; and be videotaped together on the afternoon of Oct. 31st in the desert.

No acting experience or knowledge of vampires and zombies necessary, however feel free to do some research online. There is no cost to be a participant in the project!

Zombies may also, if interested, participate in a further performance on the Light Rail on The Day of the Dead, Nov. 2nd. Watch for more information on this coming soon."
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Tuesday, October 6, 2009


First thing I've got to say is WOW. This guy has his shit together. You know what life is about? Life is about finding the things that you love and doing them as much as possible. How do you do all the things you love as much as possible? Well, you combine them together, that's what you do. At least that's what this guy's plan seems to be:

Do I love jogging? Hell yes I do. Do I love doing real estate deals? You bet your fucking ass. 
Do I love iced, non-fat, soy lattes? I love lattes more than I love real estate and jogging combined!

I spotted this little jewel while I was getting coffee before class. I say spotted, but that's not really the truth. The truth is that I heard this guy way before I ever saw him. He was on his bluetooth talking loudly about the details of a purchase agreement for an office building.

So what? He's just trying to nail down the terms of his business transaction while waiting for his coffee. What's the big fuckin' deal? I'll tell you:

This guy is in Starbucks, talking on the phone to his business partner and waiting for his coffee WHILE JOGGING IN PLACE.

In the words of Jack Donaghy, he's got it all figured out*.

This has been Weirdo Watch.

*Jack: (looking through the blinds in Liz's office) Oh, my. There appears to be a gentleman making passionate, angry love to himself.
Liz: Yeah, I know. That's why I closed the blinds in the first place.
Jack: Right in his office. Huh.
(Turns away). Lemon, I like to think of myself as a winner; I like to surround myself with winners. I see potential in you. Let me be your Jack Welch. Let me be your mentor.
Liz: No, thank you.
Jack: That is unfortunate. (Turns around and looks through blinds again) You've, uh, got to admire his persistence and stamina, though. Am I wrong or is he in the middle of a staff meeting?
Liz: Maybe you should be his mentor.
Jack: Obviously he doesn't need one. He's got it all figured out.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Average American Male is 5'10" and Weighs 191 Pounds

The Red Zone Channel constantly cuts from game to game so that viewers see action from all the teams.  I was watching the RZC this Sunday when the following occurred:
In Game A, an untouched runner gained about five yards and a first down. One Game A announcer joked to the other, “Even you could have made that first down, [old, fat announcer]!” RZC then cuts away to Game B. In Game B, a defender runs untouched and sacks the quarterback. This leads one game B announcer to joke to the other, “Even you could have made that sack, [old, fat announcer]!”
We’ve all heard announcers talk about receivers so open that even they could have made the throw. But, I never really considered what they were saying before I heard two announcers use virtually the same line independently and in sequence.

This fortuitous juxtaposition has led me to consider which, if any, NFL plays the average American male could make. Obviously, if literally all the defenders were blocked, any one of us could run five yards with a football, but let us remove the trivial cases.

For your perusal, here are 16 scenarios and players to run them against:

Pass Block against Demarcus Ware
•    Run Block against Albert Haynesworth
•    Power Run against Ray Lewis
•    Finesse/Speed Run against Troy Polamalu
•    Short Throw against Champ Bailey  (with your NFL receiver of choice)
•    Long Throw against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper
•    Short Catch against Champ Bailey (with your NFL quarterback of choice)
•    Long Catch against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper

•    Pass Rush against Joe Thomas
•    Run Blitz against Leonard Davis
•    Interior Run Tackle against Marion Barber
•    Exterior Run Tackle against Adrian Peterson
•    Short Pass Coverage against Brandon Marshal and Kyle Orton
•    Long Pass Coverage against Randy Moss and Tom Brady
•    Safety Run Support against Darren Sproles (a run into the secondary)
•    Safety Pass Support against Randy Moss and Tom Brady (as a safety in the Tampa 2)

After thinking about these for a little while, I sorted them into four categories:

The Impossible: Absolutely no way in hell, heaven or earth to do it. There exist no possibility in rain, snow, or shine that you are making the play.
Pass Block against Demarcus Ware- I’ve stood next to the man. It simply isn’t happening.
•    Long Catch against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper- They’re faster and stronger with better hands and leaping ability.
•    Run Blitz against Leonard Davis- I met Larry Allen once. Leonard Davis is bigger. You go where he wants you to go.
•    Long Pass Coverage against Randy Moss and Tom Brady- Again: bigger, faster, stronger, better. (Notice: a drop would not count as “making the play”, only a PBU)
•    Pass Rush against Joe Thomas- He regularly defends against bigger, faster and stronger attackers than you. Pancake.
•    Safety Pass Support against Randy Moss and Tom Brady (as a safety in the Tampa 2)- Similar to Pass Coverage, but with corner help. You’re still SOL.

The Powerballs: The odds are stacked against you 187 Million to 1. Your chances of success exist only in a statistics classroom. Don’t quit your day job.
Run Block against Albert Haynesworth- You’re best chance would be a cut block of some type [read: trip him], but the odds aren’t good.
•    Power Run against Ray Lewis- Ray Lewis could hit you so hard that you literally ricocheted off of him. If you stayed on your feet, maybe you could gain some yards
•    Finesse/Speed Run against Troy Polamalu-Similar to Lewis, but with the possibility that he goes low and you miraculously avoid the tackle.
•    Long Throw against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper- This would all depend on your receiver. If you get a guy that can jump, who knows? How often do Hail Mary’s work?
•    Safety Run Support against Darren Sproles (a run into the secondary)- Here, you have to hope that he gets cocky, tries to run you over, and then gets tripped up when you cut his feet.

The Incredibly Unlikely: It would take an act of God, a turkey baster full of pharmaceuticals and a box of Wheaties, but success is still possible.
Short Throw against Champ Bailey- Again, this would depend on the receiver, but if the WR was big enough (MartyB ne1?) maybe he could aggressively make a play on the ball for some yards.
•    Exterior Run Tackle against Adrian Peterson- The sideline is your friend, so is going low. The chances you even touch him are minuscule, but I could see someone making a play.
•    Short Pass Coverage against Brandon Marshal and Kyle Orton- This would be about timing. If you guessed right and jumped the slant, I could see a PBU or even an INT. If they throw high, or a drag, or an out, you’re basically fucked.

The Dice Rolls: No one likes your chances, and you probably won’t succeed. That being said, a casino would attract some bets if the odds were steep enough.
Short Catch against Champ Bailey- With an NFL QB to throw to you, and if Champ Bailey is playing a few yards off, you could make the catch. No yards, but a catch.
•    Interior Run Tackle against Marion Barber- My odds on favorite for success. Throw yourself at his legs. If you play your cards right, there’s a possibility that Barber will trip over your shattered body. That’s a tackle.

So there you have it. The best chance the average American male has to make an NFL play involves tackling Marion Barber. Sounds good to me.

Agree? Disagree? OMGWTF, How could you leave out special teams? Put your comments in the comments section.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Tony, We Need To Talk...

Picture Unrelated

Hey Tony, whose fault do you think it is when the Cowboys don't score for three quarters? Whose fault is it when you repeatedly turn the ball over in a close game? Whose fault is it when you throw the same pass twice at Champ Bailey to lose us the game?

I wish you would shut the fuck up and play better.

A Concerned Fan


Saturday, October 3, 2009

Week 4 Preview

Brooks (122.5) at Jeff (115.5)ab
This epic brawl of titans features Manning (BRKS) and Brees (JFIJ), the top two quarterbacks in our league. Brees has more value over the season, but Manning (home against Seattle) has the advantage over Brees (home against the Jets) this week. The other positions are more disparate: Jeff has better RB's, OP, and HC; Brooks has better WR's, Defense, and K. ESPN projects That Wide! over LUNCHBOX by 7, but the game is close enough in talent for a single player performance to lead their team to victory.

Shepherd (103) at Drew (73.5)jf
Drew had a mighty impressive goal line stand against Jeff last week. After winning by 1 yard and half a point, Lassiter's players are pretty banged up. Faced with the loss of Frank Gore, Drew will rely on the returning Marshawn Lynch to go into Beast Mode and Terrell Owens to pull his weight against Miami.
After his loss to Stan, Shepherd felt more let down than the people of Chicago. At least they have televisions to go home to. All Shep has is an open, albeit well lit, living room. The perfect place to practice his dancing. This clip fits for Shepherd because he has juco experience and I think he would make a good Joel McHale. Krumpit.

Barry (103.5) at Reed (116)jf
Reed has not had much time to participate in fantasy football this week with the Phoenix Mercury and Indiana Fever tied at one game apiece in the WNBA Finals. This is a very exciting time of year as hockey has started and basketball is right around the corner. But without a doubt, football dominates the fall. That's right guys, the wait is over. It's UFL season!!!!! Enough of being stuck watching college football and the NFL. What kind of competition can you have between teams when there are 32 in the league. Give me neon jerseys, screaming coaches and JP Losman and I am sold.
Despite picking up his first win of the season, Barry still has to prove that his team does not have to rely on Adrian Peterson in order to win every week. So far his defense has been strong, but counting on points from Matt Schaub has to make Barry more than nervous.
Ms Lynn is not impressed by Barry's performance this season.

Mark (72.5) at Hill (89)
I'm not saying Beneke is a crybaby, but he does have a mastery over 3rd grade style revenge tactics. After making a fuss over the Brooks-Fijolek trade earlier this week, it pleased me to hear that Mark was treated to a night of tending to his girlfriend and her sake-induced vomiting. Though he enters this matchup as the favorite, Hill's narrow victory last week is still viewed by many as a fluke.
Hill Perot at the Jews for Jesus Ski Weekend
Telluride, CO | February 6-8, 2009

Stan (90.5) at Greg (103.5)
Hmmm... You know what? I don't know how this game is gonna turn out.
But I do have an idea...

A Movie Idea:

Stan and Greg star in a gripping drama about two friends and the complex world of competitive eating. Basically, a shot for shot remake of Good Will Hunting. (Greg is Matt Damon, Stan is Ben Affleck). Instead of mathematically ability, Greg possesses a rare ability to eat food. And instead of growing up poor and in Boston, they grew up rich and in Dallas. They grew up, went to college, and now both have high-paying white collar jobs as attorneys/bankers/etc. (we'll figure this out during edits). All of the scenes still work.

The Bar scene:

Stan and Greg (with cameos by all of us) end up on the wrong side of town, and in a dive bar populated by local competitive eaters. Stan starts hitting on one of them, and claims to remember her from a hamburger eating contest. Just when Stan is about to be exposed as a non-competitive eater, Greg and the would-be-exposer get into an eating contest.

The Math Problem scene:

Greg eats an entire luncheon's worth of food at his office, and when the office holds a meeting to see who could have done it, Greg doesn't show. The CEO of Greg's company then lays out 100 6 foot party subs and issues a challenge. His boss catches him right as he's finishing up the subs, but Greg's eating prowess is shown to the CEO, a former competitive eater himself.

The Moving On scene:

Shot for shot, almost exactly the same. Instead of Matt Damon moving on a life of economic success, Greg would be moving from a life of white collar drudgery to the exciting and truly free world of competitive eating.

Are there a few details to work out? Of course there are, but I think the idea is solid. In fact, I think the movie projects better as a drama than as the more obvious comedy (or spoof). The key to this story's cinematic success would be to convey the white-collar worker's longing for freedom with the same intensity as the impoverished's longing for a better life. Also, this may be a way to have a movie studio bankroll a two hour meatball sub eating contest.

Friday, October 2, 2009

LeGarette Blount Is Classy, Oregon Needs to Win

In all honesty, I've never paid attention to this dude. Maybe throw him in an MMA fight, now, and I'll root for him. But for christ's sake, why the fuck dont you unsuspend him. So what if he threw a punch, viewership would quadruple if he Temple of Doom'd this guys heart and took a bite out of it. Stardate 20090202. Robinson, out. (and yes, it is 4:52 am, so what?)