Wednesday, August 31, 2011

2011 Team Projections

Grab them here.

Screenshots of each page below. Click to embiggen.

Nuggets, Scotch, and Fantasy Football-- THE 2011 CABC DRAFT

Pictured: SKC burning a nugget fart into JBF's chair
How would you define luxury? Fine wines? Plush furs? Exotic woods? Miniature giraffes?

I, like you, thought I had experienced luxury.

I was wrong. This, my friends, is true luxury:

Friday, August 26, 2011

Should we... go somewhere?

This is why nobody cares about fantasy baseball.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Taintsman Ballot

As of 5pm today, league members were presented with the inaugural CABC Taintsman Ballot.

Early returns show an impressive willingness to take risks. I love it.
This ballot will officially determine the 2011 CABC Taintsman

I'm rooting for Cutie Patootie.

Good luck out there!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Fact: Tony Romo is the Gayest Straight Man I Know

It has certainly been a long summer: The Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Championship, ADL moved back to Texas, Rory McIlroy cleaned up at the US Open, SKR graduated (yes? no? confirm before posting), and the Dallas Cowboys dropped some former stars following the lockout. But the social event of the season had to be Martha's Vineyard 4th of July The Romo-Crawford Nuptials.

A who's who of Dallas celebs filled large white tents in Lee Park at the end of May as Tony finally decided to plant his roots and marry 25 year-old former beauty queen Candice Crawford. At the time, the event was shrouded in secrecy. Streets were closed, guests were shuttled from The Mansion in tinted SUVs, football business was not discussed as Jerry and his Boys snacked during cocktail hour opting instead to chat about the Gossip Girl finale. For such a happening, it was not the tabloid fodder that had become the norm for Tony's relationships over the years. But now, months later, certain details of the event are coming to light. Yesterday the Dallas Morning News published a story about Number 9's Bachelor Party.
"The 31-year-old signal-caller and his 14 or 15 buddies ditched the alcohol and partying. Instead, they traveled to a cabin in West Virginia and played a few games of hide-and-seek."
It's not the teetotaling that bothers me. I had been worried that Tony packed on a few lbs when his injury rehab overlapped with the NFL lockout, so the fact that there was no booze was a relief. West Virginia. Meh. I've never been, but I hear it's a nice place once you get past the mine disasters and mouth-breathing Appalachians. But hide-and-seek? How can you suggest that and get 14 other sober buddies to agree with you? I am the first to admit that the entire Hangover-style bachelor party is a little too debaucherous for my style, but there's certainly a time and a place. THE TIME IS WHEN YOU'RE THE QUARTERBACK OF AMERICA'S TEAM AND THE PLACE IS ANY DALLAS STRIP CLUB.
“I didn’t really feel like going out, drinking that night,” Romo described. “I mean, we were there for a couple of days, so I was just like, ‘Let’s just find something to do here.’ We tried coming up with a game, but with 14 or 15 guys, there aren’t a lot of non-drinking games at that age you can do.”
Tony is right about one thing, there aren't a lot of games for 14 or 15 guys. Except for, say, football? Did this jerkfest in the woods cause his clavicle to start hurting again?
“I stayed hidden for a while,” [Romo] said. “I had a pretty good spot. It was probably about 35 minutes. It was enjoyable to win just because I got to tell them all that I was smarter than them."
Really, Tony? You're smarter than them? Did you take HNS494 while at Eastern Illinois? You spent some of your last moments as a free man hiding behind a tree in the forest. You're bachelor party isn't the venue to rub their faces in your brains. It's the time you brag about banging Carrie Underwood and dumping Jessica Simpson because she got fat.

Dirk may be the man of the moment in Dallas, but this is and always will be a football town. As the Cowboys' quarterback, you represent not only the team but the city, and right now New York, DC and Philly are laughing at us. You married a beauty queen, but the Tony Homo moniker has never been more appropriate. This is bordering on some Jeff Garcia shit. Sure, Troy shared a beach house with Steve Young, but those guys won championships. And now, in your sixth season as a starter, it's time for you to do the same.

Gone are the days of blind adoration. I've come to your defense for too long. As I look forward to the September 11 opener against the Jets, I can hear Cris Collinsworth bringing up the bachelor party antics in his typical smug manner to lighten the somber mood of the evening. And I will shake my head because I love my hometown and you're making us out to look like pussies.

I understand that once the season gets going, there will be other storylines and criticisms, but until then I'm stuck questioning your smarts.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Voting On The Coveted CABC League Taintsman Award

So far the only submissions for the 2011 anti-champion, formally referred to as The League Taintsman, punishments are:
Wearing Juggalo face paint to lunch at MiCocina
    Getting your belly button pierced for one week

    Surely we can do better than this.

    Some ideas:

    A live performance of Eden Wood's hit single Cutie Patootie in full costume?

    Greenman suit to a sporting event?
    A full Brazilian wax?

    A cover video of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On?
    Mankini to the beach or a pool party?
    No shaving until next season starts?
    Dressing up as a homeless person and panhandling?

    These are only ideas. Hopefully we come up with something much better.

    Remember: If we all agree on one of these, and then the loser doesn't do it, they're banned from CABC until they grow a sack.

    Leave your ideas in the comments.

    Friday, August 5, 2011


    I woke up this morning with two priorities: clean my apartment and pack for upcoming vacation(z). However, in light of news of CABC rising from the ashes, I just about jumped out of my underoos this morning. Whatever could I do to commemorate this great time-waster (not a bad thing) that we share? LOLSNAPS.


    And these... these are just too easy.

    Thursday, August 4, 2011

    State of the League

    Friends, Bro-mans, Cowboys' Fans! Lend me your ears!

    It is my superlative honor to welcome each of you to the sixth season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

    Unlike in years past, entrance to The League was widely sought. These would-be participants watched you carefully, hoping for one of you to bow out-- hoping for an entrance into CABC.  But for the first time in league history, CABC is welcoming back all ten players! I’d like to congratulate each of you on your decision to return.

    The Draft- Something Old, Something New

    The draft will once again take place at Fijolek household on Potomac. I’ll be in contact with each of you about which draft dates work best for everyone and I encourage all of you to experience the rush of drafting in person.

    This year, for the first time ever, CABC will allow draft pick trading through ESPN’s website. Our league law firm, BHF & George, determined the draft order and you may begin trading draft picks at your leisure. Only 2011 draft picks may be traded. Any trades of future draft picks will not be recognized or upheld by the league. (Note: I had to set a draft date and time to allow draft pick trading to occur. This is only a placeholder, and it is not the official date and time for the draft.)

    The league fee is $50, and you will not be allowed to draft if your money has not been received at the Fijolek household by draft night. Mail your check as soon as possible, or bring cash to the draft.

    A New Rule- The Parity Preserver

    After an unprecedented disparity between the good teams and the bad teams last year, CABC is instituting a new rule. Whoever finishes dead last (as determined by the playoff tiebreakers) in the league in 2011 must perform, engage in, or otherwise commit a league-agreed-upon act of self-humiliation.

    The act of self-humiliation must be clearly defined, legal, and funny. The act must be approved and voted for by each and every league member to become official. Please submit ideas to me, post them on the blog, or on the league message board.

    If the loser of the league refuses to perform the act after previously voting for it and agreeing to it, then that person shall be banned from CABC and all CABC-related activities until such time as they decide to stop acting like a whiny little bitch and do what they agreed to do.

    A Few Notes

    After great success last year, Rivalry Week will return. This means, of course, that old wounds will reopen:

    Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King

    The roster composition, scoring formula, and playoff procedure remain unchanged:

    Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

    Lastly, in addition to the prize money, I will provide this year’s champion with a custom made trophy. The trophy will stand as a beacon to the world as to your greatness, and it will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

    Just like last year, I'd like to close with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

    I am twenty-four years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

    I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

    All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

    Alex Brooks,
    Commissioner, Can’t All Be Cowboys

    Live Blogging the 2011 CABC Draft Lottery

    Once again the Draft Lottery is being officiated by the Accounting Firm of BHF & George. Stay tuned for the results as they come in.

    1. GMF
    2. BEN
    3. SKR
    4. SKC
    5. RSR
    6. ADL
    7. MMB
    8. JBF
    9. ARB