Thursday, August 4, 2011

State of the League

Friends, Bro-mans, Cowboys' Fans! Lend me your ears!

It is my superlative honor to welcome each of you to the sixth season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

Unlike in years past, entrance to The League was widely sought. These would-be participants watched you carefully, hoping for one of you to bow out-- hoping for an entrance into CABC.  But for the first time in league history, CABC is welcoming back all ten players! I’d like to congratulate each of you on your decision to return.

The Draft- Something Old, Something New

The draft will once again take place at Fijolek household on Potomac. I’ll be in contact with each of you about which draft dates work best for everyone and I encourage all of you to experience the rush of drafting in person.

This year, for the first time ever, CABC will allow draft pick trading through ESPN’s website. Our league law firm, BHF & George, determined the draft order and you may begin trading draft picks at your leisure. Only 2011 draft picks may be traded. Any trades of future draft picks will not be recognized or upheld by the league. (Note: I had to set a draft date and time to allow draft pick trading to occur. This is only a placeholder, and it is not the official date and time for the draft.)

The league fee is $50, and you will not be allowed to draft if your money has not been received at the Fijolek household by draft night. Mail your check as soon as possible, or bring cash to the draft.

A New Rule- The Parity Preserver

After an unprecedented disparity between the good teams and the bad teams last year, CABC is instituting a new rule. Whoever finishes dead last (as determined by the playoff tiebreakers) in the league in 2011 must perform, engage in, or otherwise commit a league-agreed-upon act of self-humiliation.

The act of self-humiliation must be clearly defined, legal, and funny. The act must be approved and voted for by each and every league member to become official. Please submit ideas to me, post them on the blog, or on the league message board.

If the loser of the league refuses to perform the act after previously voting for it and agreeing to it, then that person shall be banned from CABC and all CABC-related activities until such time as they decide to stop acting like a whiny little bitch and do what they agreed to do.

A Few Notes

After great success last year, Rivalry Week will return. This means, of course, that old wounds will reopen:

Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King

The roster composition, scoring formula, and playoff procedure remain unchanged:

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

Lastly, in addition to the prize money, I will provide this year’s champion with a custom made trophy. The trophy will stand as a beacon to the world as to your greatness, and it will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

Just like last year, I'd like to close with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

I am twenty-four years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

Alex Brooks,
Commissioner, Can’t All Be Cowboys

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