Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Poor Narwhal.

The severed narwhal head later went on to have a successful career in Japanese tentacle porn

Fidelity Fires Four for Fantasy Football

Sad news today. Four of our brothers-in-fantasy-sports have been job-murdered.

Star Telegram

Each commissioner was fired, but team owners were spared. Hopefully I make the playoffs the year I'm fired for running an office league.

Mike Tomlin Owes Me Cash Money

I think Mike Tomlin is a great coach. He's the kind of hard-nosed tough-guy that the Cowboys need to come in and run their organization. That is why I decided he would be the perfect coach for my team when I selected him at the beginning of the season. But it would seem that both the Steelers and the Lunchbox have had their fair share of difficulties this year. And who do I blame for these shortcomings? Mike Tomlin.

Rick Carlisle Talks Table Tennis

This clip has got it all. Soothing rhythm & blues opening, 360 view of Richard competing, off-race expert playing the sport, shameless ping-pong promotions, and a segment called "How Many Balls Can Rick Hold"

I'm gonna go videotape his refrigerator ... his shoes.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It's called Intimidation

Upon reflecting this past regular season, I understood around Week 7 as to why I had dominated the league so ferociously.


boom woaaaah ssstamp!

I didn't want anyone to know about this insight, so I kept it secret. Destined to lose with Matty and Mickey out, even to the Dutch Rudder, I still withheld revealing the source of my success. If Beary loses to me in the postseason, that is just downright pathetic.

Also, Brooks had the highest PA with 2375, 83 points higher than the top PF, which was also Brooks.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Week 14 Preview: Only the Games I Care About

Mark (160) at Jeff (188)
Mark has been on fire the second half of the season. His 7 wins in a row have been enough to raise him from last in the NFC to the second place spot. Now he is playing for his playoff life. A Beneke win seals his spot and makes him the favorite to win the division as Reed continues his downward spiral. Unfortunately, Mark comes into this game as the underdog. Should Beneke and Barry lose, Jeff will be vaulted into the playoffs despite his rough season.

Stan (163) at Shep (171)
These guys have a lot in common. They both have two older sisters and hysterical middle names that start with "K". Despite these similarities, this game is sure to set off a new rivalry going into next season and the future. Win and you're in, gentlemen. Simple as that.

Barry (186) at Brooks (182)
This is why there aren't Monday Night games week 17. Following his loss last weekend, Brooks has been eliminated from playoff contention. Barry has the NFC tiebreak should he finish with the same record as Mark and Jeff. Brooks has no reason to play this game except for pride and spite. Who cares about Team Jacob and Team Edward. I'm on Team Brooks.

Hey Alex Ben_ke, got any quaaludes.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Mark Sucks at Talking Trash

I am at lunch, so I am too busy to come up with a creative retort. Instead I am choosing to publicly shame Mark.

MB>I'm thinking about taking the Cadillac into town this Sunday for the big win. Need a ride?
JF>Is that a reference I should get?
MB>Cadillac Williams that is OOooh
JF>Oh, got ya. That's why it didn't make any sense.
MB>Ok bad one I'll admit that

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Holiday Grab Bag

  • I heard a funny joke amidst table banter at the fam's Thanksgiving dinner: What's worse than a 100 year old man who stubbornly clings to his old fashioned ways? Give up??

A 100 year old man who stubbornly clings to his pedophilia, of course! I agree, old man, they just don't make them so ripe and submissive as they used to.

My initial reaction was "I would totally kill Stan for a 7x10 copy of this picture, framed". I reveled at how Donny III opportunistically mangled the shit out of that cake....tore it to bits, Predator style. He reminds me of a young me. I bet he gave his parents a diaper full of food-colored poo as a party favor.
...My ordinary stream of consciousness screeched to a halt when I saw a picture of the cake:

Oh, the cakebaby carnage!
  • My mom asked me to write out a Christmas list for her. Seeing as I haven't written out a Christmas list since I was addressing them to the North Pole, I felt like fulfilling her request might make me feel a tad juvenile. Needless to say, I embraced it. (I snail-mailed this letter to the mothership, verbatim, earlier this afternoon):

Dearest Mother-

Enclosed is a list of my demands. Should these demands not be met by 23:59:59 on the 24th day of December, 2009, I will paint the dogs electric green and replace all the light bulbs in the house with black lights. I will also eat all of the milk & cookies before Santa arrives.


  • Cable, New Television – What am I, some sort of crunchy granola Oregonian contending that television “rapes man of social and family life”? No. I am a 5th year college student. I have eaten pasta for the past 8 days straight, and when I go out, I prefer to drink Miller High Life because it is 50¢ cheaper. My kind considers TV one of the 13 basic food groups.

  • Panther Chameleon – they can turn all sorts of pretty colors and have perfected the art of kickin’ it.Plus, those googly eyes provide hours of entertainment.Don’t act like this request is in any way capricious, like you do every other Christmas.Chabillionaire will be mine… Oh yes… He will be mine.
  • $$$$$$$
  • Electric Green Paint
  • Xbox 360 – Red light of death on my old one.Means it doesn’t work.Also, see above
  • Clothes (perhaps a new blazer!?) (or maybe a stylish cardigan ;-)
  • 100 black light bulbs
  • Measuring Cup- for all the cooking I do

These are my demands. Christmas should be a time of giving and joy. Your giving me these things would bring me great joy. Until my birthday demands, you shan’t hear from me again.

Regards, your son,

Shepherd Juan Diego Robinson (I thought this sounded better, so I had it legally changed – make a note)

ps if the chameleon doesn’t work out, I’ll settle for any sort of jungle cat. It will save me money on an alarm system in the future.

Week 13 Review

Greg def. Brooks
Another tough one, Brooks. Peyton Manning has started slacking off the past few weeks and though the Colts continue their undefeated run, Brooks has been left wondering how Eli is inserted where Peyton should be. Greg's victory guaranteed him the top spot in the playoffs, but one look at his players' difficult remaining schedule and you can see that team success is not set in stone.

Jeff def. Stan
After getting off to a rough start Thursday night, Jeff got lucky when Drew Brees got to play an extra period on Sunday. After scoring close to 100 points over the past two weeks, Brees has taken over the top points spot in the league. Stan could have performed better had he made some different personnel decisions, but Brandon Jacobs is an asshole who deserves to be left on the bench.

Barry def. Reed
This week the role of Colt McCoy was played by Reed Rusch-sch-sch. Yeah, CM12's father coaches football and drives a truck and Reed's dad slings office chairs with lumbar support and rolls around town in...well it's a Ford. But still, the similarities are there. They both have a love for Purple Jesus, ridiculous Texas names, and started the season feelin hot hot hot. But Barry was Ndamukon Suh. Following his record setting 9-0 start, Reed has lost to all three teams he could play in the conference championship and to Greg, who will likely win the AFC. Earlier this season, RR questioned why we have a 5 point home field advantage. Now that his team is limping into the playoffs without a quarterback, I'm sure Reed is happy to have all the help he can get.

Mark def. Drew
Beneke's game was way too close this week when you realize Drew has not changed his team lineup in weeks. Once inserted to keep his team competitive, Marc Bulger is now a constant reminder that some people are too busy to keep track of us little people. Mark has fought his way back from a miserable start and now controls his own playoff fate. A loss by the Eagles last Sunday and Mark would have lost to half a team. Aaron Rodgers continues to wow, but without Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez is not a top 5 producing TE. Mark's Offense is weak and his Defense is almost nonexistent. Burn.

Shep def. Hill
It's been a great week in Shepsylvania. The Mighty Hornfrogs were invited to play in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl and it appears that he was able to lock up the second playoff spot in the AFC. Hill on the other hand learned a valuable lesson in party planning-20 people bringing Tonic Water yields a shit ton of Tonic Water. He's scored the fewest points and hasn't won a single game on the road. It's okay, Wade, we still love you.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Drew Bree$ is so money, but where are his endorsements?

There are two teams in the NFL that are undefeated now in week 13. The Colts have been stellar with Peyton Manning leading the team, and you can't turn on your TV without seeing him hawk something. So where is the Saints star this holiday season? Everyone is out there selling crap, but not Drew Brees. The guy is a 3 time Pro-Bowler who has thrown for almost 30,000 yards.

Why is his only TV ad an old Sportscenter promo? Yeah, he's got that scar on his face, so he can't move razors like Matt Ryan. And I can't tell if that Strahan ad is for his "15-Minute Flab" workout tapes or Vaseline. I don't know what kind of reptile DNA Nike put into Adrian Peterson to make him super-tough and prone to fumble. My money is on a snake because they are pretty slick and they don't have opposable thumbs.

There are billboards around Dallas with a new spokesman for Christ, Jason Witten. Chris Cooley is used to reading his playbook sans pants, but he and his Redskin teammates have a series of ads for cheap cars in DC. All in all, the greatest ad man in the NFL today has to be Aaron Rodgers.

Week 10 - Week 14+ Review


Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Week 12 Review

Shep def. Brooks (201.5-165.5)
Darren Sharper got another interception. Seriously this guy has to be some super secret Air Force experiment that they let loose into society to see what would happen. He could be an entire episode of Fringe. Peyton Manning once again saved The Colts by destroying the Texans and Charles Woodson put on a clinic against Detroit on Thursday. Dude must've eaten an entire turkey when he got home after grabbing a sack, a fumble and two interceptions, taking back one for six points. These performances were good, but not quite good enough to take down a revived Robinson team. After dropping his past few games, Shepherd decided to hope for a Thanksgiving miracle and set his team's success on the broad shoulders of Antonio Gates. 7 catches for 118 yards and 2 TDs breathed new life into the Broken Prydz. Good job, Taco, err-Shep.

Stan def. Hill (149.5-121)
The Trade Deadline came and went without any activity. I blame this entirely on Stan. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a nice guy, but he's impossible to trade with, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. Dude, I asked for Trent Cole, not Jared Allen. There isn't a player on your team I would give up my entire defense for. I offered what I thought was fair value: 2 guys named Bell and a Star Trek DVD. If you're too cool to hang out with Uhura and Bones, then you have fun up there on your high horse. Hill welcome back to America. We play 16 games in our league, next year I suggest you show up Week 1.
Y'all think he's a Democrat?

Greg def. Reed (180-138.5)
It's been a rough couple of weeks for Reed. USC throws away their title chances, Ireland gets screwed by Thierry Henry and Saskatchewan loses a heartbreaker in the Grey Cup.

Matt Ryan and Mike Turner balanced each other out this week, and zero points out of his best players is a rough way to get through a game. I don't think it really made a difference in the end. Chris Johnson is playing out of someone's mind. I'm glad that Miles Austin is playing well again and I really wish Reed the best, but damn...he's playing like the _________ (insert recent Superbowl winning team here) right now.

Jeff def. Drew (218-107)
So, how 'bout that Bulger guy? Pretty good, huh? Yeah? After losing our first meeting by half a point, it was nice to torch Drew and score the most points of the season. I think this video clip sums up the way DL played this game.

Mark def. Barry (153-148.5)
At 10:18 last night I was left speechless. Mark sent me a text message freaking out because Darren Sharper picked off Tom Brady in the 4th quarter of the Monday Night Football game. He thought that after holding off Barry for 1,070 fantasy minutes, it was all over. However, I didn't know which was more shocking- Mark actually watching MNF or Mark not knowing that Darren Sharper and Roman Harper are two different players. Mark has been impressive the past 6 weeks, but the NFC playoff picture is still hazy. Look for Barry to use his final FA pickup tonight as he attempts to lock up his spot in the postseason.

I heart VY

You Just Couldn't Leave Well Enough Alone, Could You?

Listen Jessica,
This shit has got to stop. I mean it. Go back to your music career and leave any and all Dallas football teams behind you. You're latest attempt to destroy the destroy the Dallas Cowboys was uninspired, at best. I think I speak for everyone when I say

The Cowboy's don't need any help destroying themselves, and the only way to destroy Romo is by putting Kryptonite in a blonde wig. I think he may have figured that trick out by now.

Furthermore, do you really want to go Full-Aniston? Because that's where you're heading. Never go Full-Aniston.

That being said, I realize that you won't ever let it go. You're a woman, and women are crazy. I think half my high-school curriculum was devoted solely to making that point clear. You're not going to stop, so let me at least offer some suggestions:
  • Subtlety is crucial in any remarks designed to inspire jealousy.
  • Ask one of Romo's teammates who makes his blazer, then compliment his teammate's refined taste.
  • Now, Romo is unsure if you just like the blazer or are fucking with him. He's curious. So he thinks about it. People are like that.
  • So now he watches you and said teammate every time you talk. You're already halfway there. Exchange numbers with the guy, then leave.
  • Game Over.
  • Romo thinks you exchanged numbers to hook up, but the conversation was about some blazer boutique that you forgot the name of and promised to text him about later.
  • Romo accuses teammate, teammate tries to explain, Romo doesn't believe him. 
  • And the Cowboys lose in the first round of the playoffs.
  • Or you could just do this, although I'm pretty sure this would be illegal:
    • Hire a voice actor to learn to imitate his teammates' and coaches' voices. Plenty of good tape on ESPN/NFLN. Then, have the actor call Romo for "emergency meetings about a trade" at Valley Ranch in the middle of the night. Or have his "teammates" invite him to a club only to not show up. Shake his confidence in what's real. He might even tell his real coaches to fuck off thinking they're actors. Who knows?
Or you could just leave Romo and the Cowboys out of it all together. How about that? Please, Jessica? There are 31 other teams out there. Plenty of fish in the sea.

A Concerned Fan
P.S.: Don't get fat again. Nobody likes a fat pop star.