State of the League

Friends, Bro-mans, Cowboys' Fans! Lend me your ears!

It is my superlative honor to welcome each of you to the sixth season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

Unlike in years past, entrance to The League was widely sought. These would-be participants watched you carefully, hoping for one of you to bow out-- hoping for an entrance into CABC.  But for the first time in league history, CABC is welcoming back all ten players! I’d like to congratulate each of you on your decision to return.

The Draft- Something Old, Something New

The draft will once again take place at Fijolek household on Potomac. I’ll be in contact with each of you about which draft dates work best for everyone and I encourage all of you to experience the rush of drafting in person.

This year, for the first time ever, CABC will allow draft pick trading through ESPN’s website. Our league law firm, BHF & George, determined the draft order and you may begin trading draft picks at your leisure. Only 2011 draft picks may be traded. Any trades of future draft picks will not be recognized or upheld by the league. (Note: I had to set a draft date and time to allow draft pick trading to occur. This is only a placeholder, and it is not the official date and time for the draft.)

The league fee is $50, and you will not be allowed to draft if your money has not been received at the Fijolek household by draft night. Mail your check as soon as possible, or bring cash to the draft.

A New Rule- The Parity Preserver

After an unprecedented disparity between the good teams and the bad teams last year, CABC is instituting a new rule. Whoever finishes dead last (as determined by the playoff tiebreakers) in the league in 2011 must perform, engage in, or otherwise commit a league-agreed-upon act of self-humiliation.

The act of self-humiliation must be clearly defined, legal, and funny. The act must be approved and voted for by each and every league member to become official. Please submit ideas to me, post them on the blog, or on the league message board.

If the loser of the league refuses to perform the act after previously voting for it and agreeing to it, then that person shall be banned from CABC and all CABC-related activities until such time as they decide to stop acting like a whiny little bitch and do what they agreed to do.

A Few Notes

After great success last year, Rivalry Week will return. This means, of course, that old wounds will reopen:

Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King

The roster composition, scoring formula, and playoff procedure remain unchanged:

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

Lastly, in addition to the prize money, I will provide this year’s champion with a custom made trophy. The trophy will stand as a beacon to the world as to your greatness, and it will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

Just like last year, I'd like to close with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

I am twenty-four years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

Alex Brooks,

Commissioner, Can’t All Be Cowboys

GO RANGERS!

Week 6 Preview. Go Rangers!

Buehler (4-1) at Syndrome (0-5)

Following another disappointing week, The Syndrome took out his aggression against SKR in two epic FIFA11 matchups. You like that goal at the end of overtime, King? Oh you want more bitch? What JBF lacks in talent, he makes up for in flair *jazz hands*. The one team member The Syndrome has been able to count on week in and week out has been Falcons Head Coach Mike Smith. The first place coach still can’t hook a brother up and let me know when that new Jeezy is going to drop though.

Buehler turned in his lowest point total last week in his first loss of the season. SKC still maintains a hold on first place in the NFC. With Peyton playing against the 29^th ranked Redskin secondary, a win this week will put him in the catbird seat for his week seven rematch against Nerdwell. The way Kelly has been tearing through CABC this season and neglecting his true blog buddies, could he really be Hipster Hitler in verkleidung? Eat Shit Belgium.

TOTO (3-2) at Tayne (2-3)
Careful folks, the Tayne is angry. RER has dropped three games in a row and as a result decided to shake up his roster a little bit. Garrett Hartley, YOURE FUCKING OUT! A season changing move of this kind has not been seen since the Dingleberries’ legendary Rob Bironas-Larry Tynes shakeup of 2009.

In his last game, Arian Foster put up stats like an undrafted free agent out of Tennessee. He will need to return to his recent ways against KC before facing a tough stretch after his bye week. And MMB has faced a slight defensive slide in recent weeks. For some reason his strategy of picking up available players with super high scores week two has not paid off as anticipated.

Assholes (3-2) at Suh (2-3)
After a two game skid and losing half of his starting lineup to injuries, the Assholes aim to turn their luck around against the Abominable Suh Monster in an NFC epic. The Asshole’s manager, Bertrand L Narwhall Esq Jr, has fully embraced the mindset of the City That Never Sleeps in the short week he has called it home. It has yet to be seen if this lack of rest will cause him to slip up on Sunday.

With Ray Race waiting to score until week five and Arian Foster and Chris Johnson turning in up and down weeks, the well rested Adrian Peterson has 10 more weeks to show off his stuff. AD hasn’t has a fumble yet this season, but now that I have brought it up let the fumbles begins. Hey All Day, fumble just a little less. Ya know, not because you suck. Because you, you don’t suck. You just probably want to try holding onto the ball a little better. However you’re doing it right now—do that, just better. Don’t fumble is what we’re trying to say here. You kinda fumble a lot. FYI.

Continue Reading for More NSFW Fun

2010.2 Week Preview

Syndrome (0-1) at Buehler (1-0)

It’s a good thing I still have a small penis or last week’s effort would be really embarrassing. I’m used to having great expectations only to be brought back to reality courtesy of a right hook from Nerdwell. Week one Buehler had a tremendous showing and Syndrome’s team played like a bunch of lockjaw patients after a 4-month liquid diet. This matchup pits number 1 against number 10 but the scores this week are likely to meet more around number 5 as their teams enter their true season form.

If the syndrome have another poor showing,
they're going to have to start brown bagging on Sundays

NomNomNom (0-1) at CoCo (0-1)

The Abdominable Suhs played a great game week one only to lose thanks to a weak showing from Andre Johnson. This time against Team COCO, NomNomNom are favored in every category so it seems likely that they will be able to right the ship and get going the rest of the season.

Assholes (1-0) at DPDM (0-1)

The Asshole may look great on paper, but RSR made one roster move that will put him above all the rest this week. 6 feet and 220 pounds of left handed, bankrupt, certified dog killer. Mike Vick makes his triumphant return against the statistic inflating Detroit Lions. MIKE VICK BITCH!

Time Outs (1-0) at Celery Men (1-0)

The TOMB (as they will be referred to from hereon out) cruised last week thanks to Drew Brees and Arian Foster. TOMBs don’t carry much in the way of backups as they stand. This could end up being a problem in the coming weeks as Bye Weeks begin. The Celery Dudes turned in a solid performance week one, but things could be shaky as long as his wagon is hitched to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Tayne (1-0) at Fellatio (0-1)

Well, well, well. The Tayne has achieved in the first week what P.rot could barely do in a season. The Foxborough Blows on the other hand bit the sheets against The Celery Men last week and lost me $5. There is a saying though: As Chris Johnson goes, so goes the Fellatio. Favorite or underdog, don’t count out the Double F with or without Kevin Kolb.

State of the League

My Esteemed Colleagues,

It is my unique pleasure to welcome you all to a new season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

First, I'd like to bid farewell to one of our league's oldest members, Mr. HRP. We were all saddened by his decision to divorce our league and run off with some younger, sexier league. We wish them the worst.

Second, I'd like to bid a warm welcome to our newest member, Mr. RER. Each of us has enjoyed having Mr. R The Younger as a member, and I suspect that the Brothers R. in total will exceed their sum individually.

Third, Week 11 of our regular season (Thanksgiving) is now Rivalry Week. Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King.

I hope this new scheduling wrinkle deepens the level of hatred and contempt between both parties in all games. I also (not so) secretly hope for at least one physical altercation over a fantasy football game this season.

The rules for scoring, playoff advancement, free agents, and trades are the same as last year. As a refresher, I've included the league format below:

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

I've finished the team projections, draft overview, and league draft summary spreadsheets. Look for those before game time tonight. Additionally, the Week 1 preview will be available at kickoff.

Before I sign off tonight, I'd like to leave you with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

I am twenty-three years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

Alex Brooks

Commissioner, Can't All Be Cowboys