Thursday, September 9, 2010

State of the League

My Esteemed Colleagues,

It is my unique pleasure to welcome you all to a new season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

First, I'd like to bid farewell to one of our league's oldest members, Mr. HRP. We were all saddened by his decision to divorce our league and run off with some younger, sexier league. We wish them the worst.

Second, I'd like to bid a warm welcome to our newest member, Mr. RER. Each of us has enjoyed having Mr. R The Younger as a member, and I suspect that the Brothers R. in total will exceed their sum individually.

Third, Week 11 of our regular season (Thanksgiving) is now Rivalry Week. Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King.

I hope this new scheduling wrinkle deepens the level of hatred and contempt between both parties in all games. I also (not so) secretly hope for at least one physical altercation over a fantasy football game this season.

The rules for scoring, playoff advancement, free agents, and trades are the same as last year. As a refresher, I've included the league format below:

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

I've finished the team projections, draft overview, and league draft summary spreadsheets. Look for those before game time tonight. Additionally, the Week 1 preview will be available at kickoff.

Before I sign off tonight, I'd like to leave you with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

I am twenty-three years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

Alex Brooks
Commissioner, Can't All Be Cowboys 


  1. Just think, If you men devoted this much time, energy, spreadsheets, and effort to something other than football you might be able to like start your own country.

  2. We have. Its called West Plano. We're raising families.

  3. And maybe if Amy spent less time reading celeb mags and blogs and singing to pop songs she could move to California and legally get married to gibbons