Thursday, September 9, 2010

2010 Week 1 Preview

Play Ball, Gentlemen.

Assholes (0-0) at Syndrome (0-0)
The 90’s had The Dallas Cowboys. The early 2000’s saw The New England Patriots rise to power. The second half of the decade, Bernard asserted his dominance by claiming 3 out of 4 CABC titles. A holdout throughout the offseason, BNew finally caved and again rejoined the league at the last minute hoping to pull off a two-peat repeat. In Rodgers and Moss, the Assholes have two position leaders anchoring their lineup. Boldin, Marshall and McNabb have all changed teams during the offseason and Burry will struggle if these big names do not perform as they have in the past. A strong defense and Ben Roethlisberger waiting in the wings make the Assholes and their asshole manager again the favorites entering the 2010 season.
Choosing to draft youth over experience, the Syndrome are swinging for the fences this season. Michael Crabtree may be entering his sophomore season, but he has just completed his first NFL offseason and training camp and his true impact for the Niners has yet to be seen. WAC standout Ryan Mathews hopes to be the man replacing LT and Sproles in Norv Turner’s offense. Whether these players can anchor the Syndrome to victory has yet to be seen.

Fellatio (0-0) at Celery (0-0)
Chris Johnson opens the season up against the Oakland Raiders. That’s about as deep as this matchup needs to go. Miles Austin shouldn’t disappoint following his new 6 year deal with the Dallas Cowboys.
The GM of the Celery Men was no doubt shitting himself at 5:30 this morning when Tom Brady said goodbye to his beautiful wife, walked out of his beautiful house, got into his beautiful car and crashed it into a telephone pole. I’m sure we can all find out what if anything is wrong with him by reading the Patriots’ weekly injury report.

Crocs Out (0-0) at TimeOuts (0-0)
This week’s closest game could also be called the Apathy Bowl. The man who wins is likely to participate for one more week while we probably won’t hear from the loser until next season. It seems likely that DLass is familiar with Calvin Johnson and Chad Ochocinco, but how the Home Run King learned about Arian Foster and Shonn Greene is unclear.

Buehler (0-0) at NomNomNom (0-0)
Kelly’s cursory review of a fantasy football guide from 2007 led him to the misguided drafting of LaDainian Tomlinson. It’s not my job to rip apart his draft day decisions; I just look at the matchups. I look this one and see that unless Peyton Manning puts up 80 and Favre has a stroke during his first series, it looks like King will take the week. However with the anchors of the NomNomNom team playing in the Thursday night matchup, Kelly may be able to make some roster moves to try and get the W if Older than Jesus and Purple Jesus underperform against the Saints.

DPDM (0-0) at Tayne (0-0)
There have been plenty of epic battles between brothers throughout history: Cain and Abel, Romulus and Remus, Damon and Marlon. I would like to extend a warm welcome to our newest member of the CABC family and I don’t think there is any better way for him to cut his teeth than against his real family. At the end of the day, you’ll probably both still hate one another.

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