Tales from the Cage

By John McCrank

TORONTO | Wed Sep 14, 2011 6:31pm EDT

(Reuters) - For actor Nicolas Cage, making the new thriller movie "Trespass" hit close to home.

Cage, at the Toronto film festival along with director Joel Schumacher promoting the film about a home invasion, said that he has actually lived through the nightmare in real life.

"It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed," he told reporters on Wednesday.

"I know it sounds funny ... but it was horrifying."

A Fudgesicle is a frozen, ice cream-like snack.

Cage said the ordeal ended after he talked the man out of the house and police arrived. He did not press charges, as the man had mental problems, but Cage, who now lives in Nassau, Bahamas, said he could not stay in the house after that.

In "Trespass," which is scheduled for release in October, thieves con their way into the opulent mansion where Cage's character lives with his unhappy wife (played by Nicole Kidman) and their daughter.

The family is held for ransom and the movie follows a path of twists and turns as negotiations with the intruders ensue.

Schumacher, who earlier cast Cage in his film "8MM," and Kidman in "Batman Forever," said "Trespass" is also about extremes between the rich and the poor in America.

"It's a class warfare movie too, about the haves and the have-nots."

The diamond-dealing Cage character and one of the invaders are two versions of the same man, in that they have both "overreached to have their share of what used to be called 'The American Dream,'" Schumacher said.

Week 9 Preview

Syndrome (0-8) at Celery Men (8-0)

ARB has been tearing through the league like some sort of fox who navigates the stars. Congratulations Celery Men, all your hours in front of dual Excel screens has finally paid off in the regular season. And now you pick up Jacob Tamme, the only player in the league with a name gayer than Sabby Piscitelli. Did your magic Microsoft paperclip tell you that he could have a breakout game week 15 against Jacksonville? We get it dude. Your team is good. Quit rubbing it in. Antonio Gates is still going to score more points, it doesn’t matter if he’s Doubtful or not. Tamme is a player who wasn’t on anyone else’s radar and you certainly didn’t need to pick him up to put the Syndrome out of their misery this weekend.

Walker told me I have AIDS

DPDM (5-3) at TOTO (3-5)
Home Run King pointed out that his last three losses have been by a total of 13 points. I think he was looking for some sympathy or thinking that I would admit to some elaborate conspiracy that was put in place decades ago to destroy his 2010 fantasy team. I only ended up laughing at what is the fantasy equivalent to premature ejaculation. Your players turn in solid games, you just climax a little too early. Great method of birth control, not that awesome when you’re trying to make the playoffs. This weekend try jerking it in the bathroom before RSR comes over and maybe you can last a little longer.

Buehler (6-2) at COCO (5-3)

The Cocks have been on a mighty winning streak the past five Sundays. It would seem that the Autodraft selection of Lee Evans had been willing him to victory from the sidelines. This week, ADL has ditched the Fitzpatrick-Evans Express in favor of a defensive player who he hopes can give him points of biblical proportion. When it comes to D Linemen with awesome names there is Ndamukong Suh, Stylez White, Parys Haralson, and now Israel Idonije, whose name means “baker of delicious gingerbread.”

Fellatio (1-7) at Assholes (5-3)
It’s hard to tell if GMF even pays attention to his team anymore. If Fellatio managed his team with even half the passion that he puts into his pursuit of the drinking arts, this team could be at least 2-6. The Assholes week 8 score was the equivalent of getting blanked in a World Series game. Any team that turns in a total less than the Syndrome has issues that need to be examined by a medical professional.

Tayne (5-3) at Suh (2-6)

Based on Fibonacci’s Theorem of Sequential Fantastical Achievement, NomNomNom Suh can count on a victory this week against Nude Tayne. SKR’s season has gone like this so far: L, W, L, L, W, L, L, L. A win this week would put him into position to drop the next four games before finishing off the season with a drubbing of the Syndrome.

2010 Week 1 Preview

Play Ball, Gentlemen.

Assholes (0-0) at Syndrome (0-0)

The 90’s had The Dallas Cowboys. The early 2000’s saw The New England Patriots rise to power. The second half of the decade, Bernard asserted his dominance by claiming 3 out of 4 CABC titles. A holdout throughout the offseason, BNew finally caved and again rejoined the league at the last minute hoping to pull off a two-peat repeat. In Rodgers and Moss, the Assholes have two position leaders anchoring their lineup. Boldin, Marshall and McNabb have all changed teams during the offseason and Burry will struggle if these big names do not perform as they have in the past. A strong defense and Ben Roethlisberger waiting in the wings make the Assholes and their asshole manager again the favorites entering the 2010 season.

Choosing to draft youth over experience, the Syndrome are swinging for the fences this season. Michael Crabtree may be entering his sophomore season, but he has just completed his first NFL offseason and training camp and his true impact for the Niners has yet to be seen. WAC standout Ryan Mathews hopes to be the man replacing LT and Sproles in Norv Turner’s offense. Whether these players can anchor the Syndrome to victory has yet to be seen.

Fellatio (0-0) at Celery (0-0)

Chris Johnson opens the season up against the Oakland Raiders. That’s about as deep as this matchup needs to go. Miles Austin shouldn’t disappoint following his new 6 year deal with the Dallas Cowboys.

The GM of the Celery Men was no doubt shitting himself at 5:30 this morning when Tom Brady said goodbye to his beautiful wife, walked out of his beautiful house, got into his beautiful car and crashed it into a telephone pole. I’m sure we can all find out what if anything is wrong with him by reading the Patriots’ weekly injury report.

Crocs Out (0-0) at TimeOuts (0-0)

This week’s closest game could also be called the Apathy Bowl. The man who wins is likely to participate for one more week while we probably won’t hear from the loser until next season. It seems likely that DLass is familiar with Calvin Johnson and Chad Ochocinco, but how the Home Run King learned about Arian Foster and Shonn Greene is unclear.

Buehler (0-0) at NomNomNom (0-0)

Kelly’s cursory review of a fantasy football guide from 2007 led him to the misguided drafting of LaDainian Tomlinson. It’s not my job to rip apart his draft day decisions; I just look at the matchups. I look this one and see that unless Peyton Manning puts up 80 and Favre has a stroke during his first series, it looks like King will take the week. However with the anchors of the NomNomNom team playing in the Thursday night matchup, Kelly may be able to make some roster moves to try and get the W if Older than Jesus and Purple Jesus underperform against the Saints.

DPDM (0-0) at Tayne (0-0)

There have been plenty of epic battles between brothers throughout history: Cain and Abel, Romulus and Remus, Damon and Marlon. I would like to extend a warm welcome to our newest member of the CABC family and I don’t think there is any better way for him to cut his teeth than against his real family. At the end of the day, you’ll probably both still hate one another.

High Science

Derian Hatcher + Ogre (from Revenge of the Nerds) = Ben Roethlisberger

The math checks out.