Week 1 Review: Big Wins and Tough Losses

David Buehler's Day Off is our Week 1 Champion!

The Celery Men over Foxbourough Fellatio, 182.5 - 154

Despite huge efforts from both Zulu Cthulu (40 points) and The Incredible Sulk (35.5 points), Fellatio went down this week. Both teams put in fantastic efforts early, but Foxbourough Fellatio pulled up lame down the final stretch. Ryan Grant and Kevin Kolb were both injured. Grant is out for the season and Kolb looked shaky before his concussion. Michael Vick played well as Kolb’s replacement, but the Eagles are unlikely to name Vick the starter. (I just don’t think the Eagles will admit they were wrong about trading McNabb and starting Kolb.)

The Celery Men fought hard and eventually triumphed. Dreamboat and Mendenhall turned in the performances of note with 26 and 33.5 points respectively.

T.O.'s Time Outs over Cocks Out Crocs Out, 153.5 - 121.5

This game came down to one man: Arian Foster. He damn near dropped a fifty burger on the Colts this week. 33 rushes for 231 yards and 3 touchdowns for 49.5 points. Cocks Out Crocs Out's MVP, Chad Ochocinco, did his best with 25.5 points, but T.O.'s Time Outs and Arian Foster couldn't be stopped. I expect the week 12 rematch to be a much closer game.

Assholes Finish 1st over First Down Syndrome, 139 - 91.5

Wanna know how many points First Down Syndrome's offensive starters turned in this week? 39. A measly 39 points. There were four individual players who turned in more than 39 points this week. If JBF is serious about competing this year, then he needs to give his players a serious talking to.

Assholes Finish 1st turned in an uncharacteristically mediocre performance this week. Look for this team to ramp it up next week.

Nude Tayne over DP Defriended Me, 163.5 - 137

RER vanquished RSR in CABC's first brother against brother game of the season. Defense was the deciding factor in this game. RSR and RER's offenses finished within seven points of each other, but RER's defense turned in a monster game. Much to my dismay, Nude Tayne is emerging as a legitimate AFC playoff contender. DP Defriended Me doesn't need to worry too much though. This the lowest scoring opening week of football in five years. A rising tide lifts all ships.

David Buehler's Day Off over NomNomNom Suh, 184.5 - 175

SKC edged SKR in a barn burner. Peyton Manning dropped 51.5 points on his way to winning the game for David Buehler's Day off. Those 51.5 points are good enough to win Manning MVP of Week 1, and David Buehler's Day the points champion of Week 1. 

SKR and NomNomNom Suh didn't go down without a fight, though. Matt Forte racked up 41.5 points in the losing effort. Even though this is only Week 1, this division game will surely have playoff implications. SKC and SKR look like the class of the NFC. SKR needs to win the rubber match Week 10 in order to block SKC's playoff tiebreaker.