CABC 2011: WEEK 4 PREVIEW

In an attempt to pad my ego, this week's preview will be available after the jump. Thanks for your understanding.

Where does Ron Washington stand on the issues facing our country?
He doesn't like HPV--or retardation. However, he is worried about the economy and its effect on cigarette prices.

Should we... go somewhere?

This is why nobody cares about fantasy baseball.

November Caption Contest: Participation Mandatory

Following the loss of The Texas Rangers, and Cowboys, and Longhorns, I figured y'all could use something to get your mind on something else. Hopefully this might boost our readership in Alabama if I wish them luck this week against Ms Bigler's LSU Tigers. I think we are also missing republican demographic of girls 12-24, so I can throw in a picture for them and they can participate in the caption contest, too. So let's go gang, especially you up there in Ashburn, VA. Winner gets a roll of new gold presidential dollar coins ($20 cash value). Have fun!

Week 8 Preview

Fellatio (1-6) at DPDM (4-3)

Carson Palmer: Hey man. I did a great job last week, don’t you think?
RSR: Yeah, I’ll be honest; you were really my only choice.
CP: But I threw for 400 yards. That’s worth an extra 12 points. You’re welcome.
RSR: Oh…uh. Thanks? I mean I won by 90 points, so I didn’t really need you.
CP: Yeah, but I’m CPalms. I’ve got a Heisman.
RSR: No.
CP: But you’re going to start me again this week, right?
RSR: No.

Suh (2-5) at Celery Men (7-0)
The band is on the field moment of 2010 happened this past week when Tuesday morning scoring declared Home Run King the victor against ARB. Lo and behold, The Celery Men ended up prevailing thanks to the Thursday rescore. A 150-149 victory kept ARB unmarred in his campaign for an undefeated season.

TOTO (3-4) at Buehler (5-2)
MMB has to be fuming after Rescoregate 2010. He has dropped three straight games and lacks the consistency on defense to make him competitive week in and week out. It has become clear that MMB attended the “Day Late, Dollar Short Academy of Free Agent Signing” after once again rehauling his roster with players who had monster performances three weeks ago. Buehler should have no trouble recovering from his Week 7 loss, a game he played without Peyton Manning and LaDainian Tomlinson.


Syndrome (0-7) at Tayne (4-3)
JBF has been celebrating since Beanie Wells was announced as the Cardinal’s starter. That’s right, the player everyone else knew was the starter was named the starter week 8. Thanks Whisenhunt, I see what you’re doing here. Your all-pro wide receiver has 2 touchdowns and 300 yards on the year so you try and take away from pressure from your rookie QB by drawing attention to Beanie Wells. If Wells is the starter then I expect to get starter stats. In other words: Pay. Me. My. Money. Bitch.

COCO (4-3) at Assholes (5-2)
With his recent move to the New York, Bernard has taken this fight up to ADL. Since starting the season 0-3, ADL has been able to string together a series of four victories leaving him tied for second place in the AFC. The Assholes reclaimed partial ownership of the NFC’s top spot after their week 7 win. No telling who will win this matchup, but both will end up the losers as long as they have to deal with the guido trash up in NYC.

¡mi bisabuela!

When life's got you down...

Today is the day I will take the bull by the balls

Week 2 Review: And The Rich Get Richer!

 

Our Week 2 Champion: Nude Tayne

Week 2 is in the books! This week featured three games where undefeated teams beat winless teams. A few members of this league need to push the panic button this week. Do anything you can: trades, waiver pickups, bribes, physical violence, kidnapping, etc. Do what you have to do. Much like the Cowboys, if you go 0-3, you're pretty much finished.

The Celery Men (2-0) over T.O.'s Time Outs (1-1), 179.5 - 133.5

A strong defensive showing by The Celery Men this week, but with T.O.'s Time Outs only turning in a 133.5 points, it was hardly necessary. The Time Outs were plagued by lopsided victories which killed fantasy value. Look for MMB to have an improved showing in Week 3. ARB's bet that the Chief would be good this year looks half-right: they've won some games, but Cassel still sucks. (Oh, and I'd like to send out a nice little fuck you to Thomas Jones for taking carries away from Jamaal Charles. You fucked my last year, and now you're back for more. I hope you die in a boat explosion.)

NomNomNom Suh (1-1) over Crocs Out Cocks Out (0-2), 157 - 148.5

ADL continues to suffer the fate of all those who auto-draft: a weak defense. Even so, this game was surprisingly close. Cocks Out made a late push Sunday night, but in the end SKR managed to hold out. By the way, I don't care if LeSean McCoy does have four capital letters in his name. He has no business dropping 37 points on anyone. Brett Favre looks ready to die of old age, and his 1.5 point performance this weekend warmed my heart. Maybe those Wrangler jeans are impeding his mobility?

Nude Tayne (2-0) over Foxbourough Fellatio (0-2), 235 - 180

RER is our Week 2 Champion and his player, Jahvid Best, is our Week 2 MVP. This loss must be especially difficult for Fellatio to take, as he now has 412.5 points against him (by far the most in the league). Dropping 180 in Week 2 and still losing by 55 points is just brutal. Nude Tayne's starters looks on top of their game, but his bench looks dangerously thin. Any injuries to Tayne's starters could derail this budding juggernaut. (P.S.: It is considered rude for anyone replacing HRP to make the playoffs. Please respect his legacy and begin to tank in Week 3. Thank You, Management.)

David Buehler's Day Off (2-0) over First Down Syndrome (0-2), 169.5 - 126

JBL's best player, Matt Schaub, dropped 43.5 points this week and Syndrome still turned in the lowest score in the league. Time to go to DEFCON 1. I imagine that JBL is crying himself to sleep at night in his three-story luxury apartment which he shares with no one. Remember, JBL, Glee, red wine, and Ambien should never be mixed, even in small quantities. Down Syndromes moves this week will make or break his season. SKC turned in a very respectable 169.5 performance at home. Each of Day Off's players played well, but not great. Still, 169.5 is a good total to turn in on an off week.

Assholes Finish 1st (2-0) over DW Defriended Me (0-2), 174 - 171.5

In our best game of the week, BEN squeaked by RSR in a great game. BEN shrewdly benched his own coach heading into the late games to avoid any eventual negative points. Dallas Clark and the Colts almost upset Finish 1st late Sunday night though, combining for 34 points. Look for Defriended Me to reverse his losing trend in coming weeks now the Michael Vick has been named the full-time starter. As always, Finish 1st remains a strong competitor.