THE EPIC 2012 CABC SEASON PREVIEW

Welcome to the CABC Preview

Alright boys and girls, this is the big one.

Let's get started:

TAINTSMAN ALERT!!! TAINTSMAN ALERT!!!

This graph is accurate. Hint hint, Stanley.

Gentlemen, an alert league member notified me today of something quite disturbing.

After conferring with Assistant Commissioner F., I now inform you that Stan has breached his obligations as Taintsman by not drinking an O'Douls and posting a photo yesterday.

The relevant portion of the Taintsman Ballot is quite clear.

Ever a Stan-of-his-word, I think Stan has shown a great triumph of spirit by choosing to begin his 30 Day quest once more. 

Good talk. See you out there.

PS:

Anti-TMNT propaganda:

CABC 2011: WEEK 13 PREVIEW

Can you hear that? 

Every time a Mike Leach gets a job, a mediocre Texas high school quarterback gets his wings.

CABC 2011: WEEK 10 PREVIEW

Week 10 takes us on the road to beautiful Pebble Beach for the 1st Annual CABC Am-Am Classic. 

Occupy Golf Course!

Preview Action after the

CABC 2011: WEEK 9 PREVIEW

With the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November creeping up on us, I figured it was an appropriate time to analyze the GOP Presidential candidates vis-à-vis CABC. Geaux Tigers!

First - Scoregate. Now - All the Megatron's Men

While the numbers don't lie, Bye Week's victory has led to a controversy along the lines of last year's Scoregate scandal. After a quick consultation with honorary league uterus, Ms. TCBigs, it would seem that we have a definitive (hypothetical) answer on this week's league review. 

CABC 2011: WEEK 3 PREVIEW

Kittens (1-1) at Raditude (0-2)

It was not until Week 11 that JBF won a game last season and he’s off to a great start if he plans on beating this feat in 2011. His quest to make history almost came to a halt last week until Michael Turner saved the day and won the game for both SKC and the Falcons. Raditude should have no trouble losing this week as his injured offense and nonexistent defense go up against a strong Kittens team. Chris Johnson is starting to find his stride and should be able to put up big points against a Denver team that allowed Run-DMC 150 yards in Week 1. 

Game. Set. Match. Kittens.

Tit Gypsies (1-1) at Clipboard (1-1)

It is still early in the season, but right now the leading wide receivers are Steve Smith and Kenny Britt. Averaging almost 30 points per week, Britt guarantees GMF will stay competitive even if Mick Vick is not 100%. It will be interesting to see what offensive lineup SKCanley uses to counter this week. Cedric Benson has not been stunning and Rashard Mendenhall has nowhere to go but up following the Steelers Week 1 meltdown. Even the guaranteed 10 points from Bradshaw is better than the dice-roll that is Benson and the Cincinnati Bungals.

GMF has been getting HAMmered for years

Bye Week (0-2) at Hangover (0-2)

Both teams are already beat to shit, but I’ve got to give the edge to RER. The Hangovers have Eli and Nicks going up against a mean Philadelphia secondary and Old Man McNabb facing the rival Lions. Hard to put faith in a starting lineup of rookies Cam Newton and Daniel Thomas, but they’re the healthiest guys on the Bye Weeks and both players face joke defenses. The unfortunate thing is one of these guys actually has to win a game this weekend, and the other will be one week closer to a cool case of 12-step juice. 

I just Meme'd the shit out of MMB

Baiters (1-1) at Ninja (2-0)

For all his unwillingness to fully participate, it’s nice to see BEN changing his name and adopting a new persona for 2011. The Ninjas (nee Assholes) picked up Ben Tate post-draft, but he remains in the starting lineup racking up points in Arian Foster’s absence. Greg Jennings caught only two passes last week for the Baiters, but one was for a touchdown. Despite these low numbers, Jennings is more of a sure thing than league leading receiver Steve Smith, whose performance has been helped by Cam Newton’s hot start as much as he’s been hurt by the rookie QB’s four picks through two weeks.

Projection: BEN is the Brown one, SKR's Head is the Pumpkin

Airboats (2-0) at Repeat (2-0)

Week 3’s spotlight matchup is a clash of undefeated teams in the Selfish Airboats and the Repeats. When it comes to the Airboats and their fearless owner, it’s the classic tale of always the bridesmaid and never the bride. He is the perennial scoring leading, but the CABC title has always somehow eluded him. ARB has a serious case of Peyton Manning Syndrome, known in the medical world as PMS. The need for success can lead to dysphoria, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, and sensitive nipples. There’s no telling how long ARB can go on living with these symptoms. Even if 2011 is the year he turns things around and wins, some doctors say that PMS patients could suffer from bloating and a “chronic pain-in-ass”. I know I’m not alone in praying to the Football Gods for our friend and his health.

A Glimpse into the Mind of ARB

CABC 2011: WEEK 1 PREVIEW

Clipboards at Baiters

Second round pick Peyton Manning is already becoming a pain in the neck for the Baiters. Now he has Nacho Sanchez leading this team across the border followed by Jason Campbell and Andy Dalton. Good thing he’s done with school (still need to fact check this) because fixing this team is going to be a full time job for SKR. Already his week one game against the Clipboard Army is not going well. Both sides had four players go in the Thursday night game with SKC turning in a dominant performance led by Drew Brees. 43.5 points is higher than any week turned in by Birthmark last season, which makes The Clipboards pray that he is forced to play from behind all year long.

SKR hoping for the return of Johnny U

Assholes at Raditude

On a team completely devoid of Cowboys players, Darkness has both Super Bowl QBs anchoring his 2011 lineup. Aaron Rodgers was bad ace in the Thursday night game, giving the Assholes an early lead going into this weekend’s matchup. His week 1 opponent, Stabbin’ Dude With Raditude, is hoping to come out swinging after a miserable 2010 season. Honestly, miserable doesn’t begin to describe last year. Two wins. Twelve losses. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that bullshit, but looking back, that team couldn’t win at the Special Olympics. The Syndrome had four Bills players, which is four too many. Good things do not happen when Ryan Fitzpatrick is your Spirit Animal. Ownership should be so embarrassed by this performance that he should be forced to submit to a retroactive taintsman punishment.

Nothing says Harvard like a Fugbeard

Repeat at Hangover

At first glance, the Afternoon Hangover’s roster is a Who’s Who of Cowboy opponents this season. Lions and Giants and Pats, Oh My! I set the O/U for games in which MMB starts Elisha at QB and both Giant receivers at 5.5. Already first round pick Arian Foster is a game time decision for week 1 making this battle against defending champs I GOT THIS an uphill battle. Repeat’s tandem of Marmalard (Philip Rivers) and Actual Tub of Lard (Matt Stafford) makes his team a formidable foe.

Nips that would make BELK jealous

Tit Gypsies at Airboats

Despite making a boner move in selecting Vick first overall, GMF has already wowed the league with his team name. It is quite literally, The Tits. Now, this may start to get into NSFW territory, so let me know if we need to start pulling out some abbrev’s. GMF, how is it possible that you don’t know how league scoring works after all this time? Also, somehow G manages to select his favorite player, Bironas, every season. I know I speak for everyone when I hope that CABC’s Mr. Irrelevant and honorary league member, Sam Acho, makes an impact for the Tit Gypsies this season. ARB on the other hand has the meanest defense this side of the Maginot Line. Combined with Matt Ryan’s cannon, the AiRBoats will no doubt be in the playoff hunt all season. Will 2011 finally be the year ARB takes that next step to win the CABC Title? How long will SILKY ride the pine? These answers and more in the weeks to come!

Fact: Hook is the greatest film of all time.

Turtles at Bye Week

This week’s spotlight matchup is the first rivalry game of the season. The clear edge has to go to RSR this weekend as he carries a roster with two QBS, a well-paid Chris Johnson, and emotional anchor DeMarcus Ware. RER on the other hand chose the wrong Packers for last night’s game and might have trouble digging himself out of this hole. With Collins as the starter in Indy, BYE WEEK has to shift around his receiving corps and hope that the Panthers have a seasons supply of Cammy Cam juice mixed up and ready for their new star.

The Dandiest Dandies in town. Sally would be so proud.

The Taintsman Ballot

As of 5pm today, league members were presented with the inaugural CABC Taintsman Ballot.

Early returns show an impressive willingness to take risks. I love it.

This ballot will officially determine the 2011 CABC Taintsman

I'm rooting for Cutie Patootie.

Good luck out there!

Voting On The Coveted CABC League Taintsman Award

So far the only submissions for the 2011 anti-champion, formally referred to as The League Taintsman, punishments are:

Wearing Juggalo face paint to lunch at MiCocina

Getting your belly button pierced for one week

Surely we can do better than this.

Some ideas:

A live performance of Eden Wood's hit single Cutie Patootie in full costume?

Greenman suit to a sporting event?

A full Brazilian wax?

A cover video of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On?

Mankini to the beach or a pool party?

No shaving until next season starts?

Dressing up as a homeless person and panhandling?

These are only ideas. Hopefully we come up with something much better.

Remember: If we all agree on one of these, and then the loser doesn't do it, they're banned from CABC until they grow a sack.

Leave your ideas in the comments.