Saturday, November 5, 2011


With the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November creeping up on us, I figured it was an appropriate time to analyze the GOP Presidential candidates vis-à-vis CABC. Geaux Tigers!

Tit Gypsies (GMF, 3-5) at Ninjas (BEN, 8-0)
If I were to ignore the whole crazy Mormon thing, which I won’t, BEN is the Mitt Romney of CABC. This week the 200 Million-Dollar Man claimed that he considered himself part of the 99%. Similarly, Bernard can socialize with les misérables of the league, but he clearly is a cut above having an almost guaranteed spot in the playoffs. He can afford to drop a game here and there, but he’s probably going to be the last man standing at the end of the race. This week Romnew goes up against GMF, our Gingrich. Newt could be replaced as the mascot of the Tit Gypsies without missing a beat. Even when Gingrich was the only candidate in the race he still wasn’t the favorite. GMF had the first pick in the draft and now he has dropped two straight games and tied for last in the AFC. It’s only a matter of time before this crazy old man gets back to his first passion, dinosaurs.
Vote Gingwich
Bye Week (RER, 4-4) at Baiters (SKR, 3-5)
Following his MNF Overtime loss this week, RER has found himself in the position of Texas Governor Rick Parry [sic, courtesy of Colbert Super PAC]. The Bye Weeks had been on a solid win streak but just hit a New Hampshire sized brick wall of crazy. Perry could quickly recover with a cupcake victory over Buddy Roemer. Despite his experience, old man Roemer hasn’t garnered much national attention. But just when you think SKR has won his last game of the year after trading away his two best players for some Mardi Gras beads and a hand-job, he gets to face RER minus Cam Newton and Calvin Johnson and down a handful of role players.
Oh yeah, he's totally gay. Care to weigh in, RER?
Clipboard (SKC, 2-6) at Repeat (ADL, 5-3)
Jon Huntsman is the former US Ambassador to China. China is where SKC will likely go to bury his head when he finally becomes the 2011 Man of Taints. Perhaps Mr. C will be able to share his non-alcoholic O’Doul’s with Jon or one of his daughters. This whole Mormon shit is really starting to get to me. I know Bush doesn’t drink any more, but he fucking earned his sobriety. And then there’s ADL, the creepy Herman Cain of CABC. Losing to BEN might have been the kick in the dick the Repeats needed to get them through the rest of the season. Much like that kick in the dick was the kick in the dick Herman Cain needed to catapult him to national relevancy. Win or lose, I hope Black Walnut takes a page out of the Palin playbook and becomes a mainstay of reality television for years to come.
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Indecision 2012 - Ruh Roh Edition
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Stabbin Dude (JBF, 4-4) at Airboats (ARB, 5-3)
For better or worse, JBF knew Santorum before it was cool. Thanks to Dan Savage, Rick will be part of the scat lexicon for future generations. After a brief skid, JBF returned from the bowels of mediocrity back to regularity this week. This movement back to fecundity was critical if the Stabbin Dudes hope to float to the upper-deck of the NFC. Now JBF hopes to shit all over the Airboats. Poop. ARB is CABC’s Ron Paul. Part genius, part lunatic, the Gyno From Galveston doesn’t care what people think about him--much like our fearless leader. And with Matt Ryan and Matt Forte returning from their off weeks, count on the Airboats to Laissez-faire all over this place.

Kittens (RSR, 3-5) at Hangover (MMB, 3-5)
And then there’s Michele Bachmann, The Queen of the Corn Dog. RSR personifies her just won’t quit attitude. We wish he would quit. The way the NFC is going, as long as the Kittens flirt with .500 they have a strong shot at making the playoffs. Last but not least, there’s MMB. Still the worst person in the world in my book for his textual tantrum, he is a natural Karl Rove. How can you live with yourself, sir?

I'm an atheist and I still find this offensive.

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