Where Are They Now? [Part One]

I welcome everyone back for the 2012 CABC Season. As draft day draws nearer, now is the time to look back and see what everyone has been up to these past few months.

SKC, Manning The Clipboard (3-11)

Following a brief stint with international accounting firm KPMS, Mr. C has again found himself jobless. This has allowed him to pursue his true passion as the captain of the Bishop Arts Neighborhood Watch. Never one to get spooked, this seems like the perfect career path for SKC. He has even championed his own sort of “Stand Your Ground” justice by practicing techniques learned in Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and Duane Chapman’s Where Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given. The Skunningham Method of repeatedly saying “Guys” and giggling until the assailant stands down is now being adopted in communities across the nation. Our thoughts and prayers are with him every day he is out keeping the neighborhood gentrified.

RER, Bye Week (4-10)

After finishing near the bottom of the league in 2011, this has been a big year for RER. Changing zip codes and jobs in a short amount of time is enough to wear down any man. But it’s what he has been able to create outside of the office that is truly incredible. Inspired by great the mashup DJ Girl Talk and his boyhood idol, Weird Al Yankovic, RER started playing around with classic tunes and zany lyrics as soon as last season was in the books. Currently his work can be enjoyed every other commercial break with Target’s back to school ad campaign. No doubt, great things are expected out of RER this season. And Denim.

ARB, Selfish Airboats (11-3)

ARB was disappointed to learn he was kicked out of the Libertarian Party in March of this year. The decision was made by party leaders after learning his pursuit of “Taintsman Justice” was reaching Orwellian levels. Since this ban, ARB has fought for mandatory minimum sentencing for those who shirk their promises. Attorney-at-Large Jackie Chiles has attached his name to the cause and the pair is trying to get the plan attached to upcoming legislation. 

BEN, Ninja Vanish (11-3)

Raised by a call from former instructor and Don King lookalike Cornell West, Brother Barry has spent the last few months as a foot soldier in Obama’s Army. Following 8 weeks of intense training in Kenya, BEN was sent to the front lines of the war. It has been rumored that Agent N played a role in staging the ACL injury of Derek Rose. Political strategists called in the hit, convinced that a championship run by the Chicago Bulls would make Barack Obama, the team’s number one fan, seem too black to the electorate. Driven by guilt that he had a part in crowing LeBron James the Miami Heat, the reigning CABC Champion has fallen into a deep depression that could impact his performance in 2012.

GMF, Tit Gypsies (5-9)

Having reduced Loveless Café to Depression Era levels of preserves, GMF decided it was time to pick up roots and move from Nashville back to the Big D. There he has spent the summer months watching old episodes of Jeopardy. He will soon begin attending Texas Southern University’s Thurgood Marshall School where he will pursue his JD with a focus on Bird Law.

CABC 2011: WEEK 13 PREVIEW

Can you hear that? 

Every time a Mike Leach gets a job, a mediocre Texas high school quarterback gets his wings.

Dear King: YOU SUCK AGAIN!

CABC 2011: WEEK 3 PREVIEW

Kittens (1-1) at Raditude (0-2)

It was not until Week 11 that JBF won a game last season and he’s off to a great start if he plans on beating this feat in 2011. His quest to make history almost came to a halt last week until Michael Turner saved the day and won the game for both SKC and the Falcons. Raditude should have no trouble losing this week as his injured offense and nonexistent defense go up against a strong Kittens team. Chris Johnson is starting to find his stride and should be able to put up big points against a Denver team that allowed Run-DMC 150 yards in Week 1. 

Game. Set. Match. Kittens.

Tit Gypsies (1-1) at Clipboard (1-1)

It is still early in the season, but right now the leading wide receivers are Steve Smith and Kenny Britt. Averaging almost 30 points per week, Britt guarantees GMF will stay competitive even if Mick Vick is not 100%. It will be interesting to see what offensive lineup SKCanley uses to counter this week. Cedric Benson has not been stunning and Rashard Mendenhall has nowhere to go but up following the Steelers Week 1 meltdown. Even the guaranteed 10 points from Bradshaw is better than the dice-roll that is Benson and the Cincinnati Bungals.

GMF has been getting HAMmered for years

Bye Week (0-2) at Hangover (0-2)

Both teams are already beat to shit, but I’ve got to give the edge to RER. The Hangovers have Eli and Nicks going up against a mean Philadelphia secondary and Old Man McNabb facing the rival Lions. Hard to put faith in a starting lineup of rookies Cam Newton and Daniel Thomas, but they’re the healthiest guys on the Bye Weeks and both players face joke defenses. The unfortunate thing is one of these guys actually has to win a game this weekend, and the other will be one week closer to a cool case of 12-step juice. 

I just Meme'd the shit out of MMB

Baiters (1-1) at Ninja (2-0)

For all his unwillingness to fully participate, it’s nice to see BEN changing his name and adopting a new persona for 2011. The Ninjas (nee Assholes) picked up Ben Tate post-draft, but he remains in the starting lineup racking up points in Arian Foster’s absence. Greg Jennings caught only two passes last week for the Baiters, but one was for a touchdown. Despite these low numbers, Jennings is more of a sure thing than league leading receiver Steve Smith, whose performance has been helped by Cam Newton’s hot start as much as he’s been hurt by the rookie QB’s four picks through two weeks.

Projection: BEN is the Brown one, SKR's Head is the Pumpkin

Airboats (2-0) at Repeat (2-0)

Week 3’s spotlight matchup is a clash of undefeated teams in the Selfish Airboats and the Repeats. When it comes to the Airboats and their fearless owner, it’s the classic tale of always the bridesmaid and never the bride. He is the perennial scoring leading, but the CABC title has always somehow eluded him. ARB has a serious case of Peyton Manning Syndrome, known in the medical world as PMS. The need for success can lead to dysphoria, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, and sensitive nipples. There’s no telling how long ARB can go on living with these symptoms. Even if 2011 is the year he turns things around and wins, some doctors say that PMS patients could suffer from bloating and a “chronic pain-in-ass”. I know I’m not alone in praying to the Football Gods for our friend and his health.

A Glimpse into the Mind of ARB

Holy Crap I Won! Suckit!

I will celebrate my victory with gifs and karate!

There's nothing like a Princeton man at the helm!

"Coach Garrett, let us retire to the eating club!"

"Quite!"