Sunday, August 5, 2012

Where Are They Now? [Part One]

I welcome everyone back for the 2012 CABC Season. As draft day draws nearer, now is the time to look back and see what everyone has been up to these past few months.

SKC, Manning The Clipboard (3-11)
Following a brief stint with international accounting firm KPMS, Mr. C has again found himself jobless. This has allowed him to pursue his true passion as the captain of the Bishop Arts Neighborhood Watch. Never one to get spooked, this seems like the perfect career path for SKC. He has even championed his own sort of “Stand Your Ground” justice by practicing techniques learned in Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and Duane Chapman’s Where Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given. The Skunningham Method of repeatedly saying “Guys” and giggling until the assailant stands down is now being adopted in communities across the nation. Our thoughts and prayers are with him every day he is out keeping the neighborhood gentrified.

RER, Bye Week (4-10)
After finishing near the bottom of the league in 2011, this has been a big year for RER. Changing zip codes and jobs in a short amount of time is enough to wear down any man. But it’s what he has been able to create outside of the office that is truly incredible. Inspired by great the mashup DJ Girl Talk and his boyhood idol, Weird Al Yankovic, RER started playing around with classic tunes and zany lyrics as soon as last season was in the books. Currently his work can be enjoyed every other commercial break with Target’s back to school ad campaign. No doubt, great things are expected out of RER this season. And Denim.

ARB, Selfish Airboats (11-3)
ARB was disappointed to learn he was kicked out of the Libertarian Party in March of this year. The decision was made by party leaders after learning his pursuit of “Taintsman Justice” was reaching Orwellian levels. Since this ban, ARB has fought for mandatory minimum sentencing for those who shirk their promises. Attorney-at-Large Jackie Chiles has attached his name to the cause and the pair is trying to get the plan attached to upcoming legislation. 

BEN, Ninja Vanish (11-3)
Raised by a call from former instructor and Don King lookalike Cornell West, Brother Barry has spent the last few months as a foot soldier in Obama’s Army. Following 8 weeks of intense training in Kenya, BEN was sent to the front lines of the war. It has been rumored that Agent N played a role in staging the ACL injury of Derek Rose. Political strategists called in the hit, convinced that a championship run by the Chicago Bulls would make Barack Obama, the team’s number one fan, seem too black to the electorate. Driven by guilt that he had a part in crowing LeBron James the Miami Heat, the reigning CABC Champion has fallen into a deep depression that could impact his performance in 2012.

GMF, Tit Gypsies (5-9)
Having reduced Loveless CafĂ© to Depression Era levels of preserves, GMF decided it was time to pick up roots and move from Nashville back to the Big D. There he has spent the summer months watching old episodes of Jeopardy. He will soon begin attending Texas Southern University’s Thurgood Marshall School where he will pursue his JD with a focus on Bird Law.

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