Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Sleepers and Sliders and Dares, Oh My! -- THE 2012 CABC Draft

What an Apple commercial should really look like: A bunch of white people just fucking around.
It is with an open-heart that CABC league members welcomed each other for another year of fantasy football. With the taint of scandal hanging in the air, the league acted swiftly to restore order.

Votes were held. Agreements were made. And jimmies were rustled.

With voting completed and league matters decided, it was time to feast...

Fact: You can only fit 53 Little Leaguers onto on half-sheet pan
As demanded by the Football Gods, a sacrifice of good cholesterol was given eagerly by each player in the hope that the Gods might curry favor on their team.

From left to right: Whisky, Whisky, Whiskey, Whisky, Whiskey, Whisky, Whiskey, and Whisky
Quite separately, the Draft Gods, who control everything from Vietnam to drafting LT, demanded a firewater tribute. The owners selected their offering carefully, as a man would choose a Grail. Let us hope they chose wisely.

And so, having dealt with politics and religion, it was time to deal with business:

With the first pick in the 2012 CABC Draft, GMF selects...

Aaron "Photobombs, Jaegerbombs, and Tannenbaums" Rodgers

GMF, Sam Hurd Criminal Master, 1st
GMF, attorney at law.
Best Pick: Aaron Rodgers, QB, 1st Round. Hard to argue with this pick. Rodgers is in his prime, surrounded by weapons, and facing a moderate schedule.
Worst Pick: Andre Johnson, WR, 2nd Round. Johnson is great player, there's no doubt about that. However, Matt Schaub sucks, and Johnson is the Texans' only receiver worth covering. And all of that good news is when he's not out for six games with a labia injury. There were far better players on the board.
Notable: Antonio Brown, WR, 7th Round. Brown was all-world at the end of last year. If he continues his rise, the league needs to look out.

"That's not two days growth dude. You're cheating. I know you're cheating."
Best Pick: Wes Welker, WR, 5th Round. Welker slipped down the draft due to rumors that he was being traded to Indianapolis. If Welker stays a Patriot, this was an incredible pick
Worst Pick: Hakeem Nicks, WR, 4th Round. If you wanted a wide out, Mike Wallace, Brandon Marshall or Marques Colston were still available. Nicks is a reach here.
Notable: Joe Flacco, QB, 9th Round. Flacco has all the physical tools of an elite QB. Coupled with a decent offensive line, strong running game, and legit deep threat, Flacco could surprise a lot of people.

JBF, The Eloquent Assholes, 3rd
Eloquent, indeed.
Best Pick: Chris Johnson, RB, 2nd Round. After being out of shape all of last year, I have Chris Johnson at the top of the 2nd tier backs. He's a candidate to breakout this year, and last year he wasn't even that bad. Getting the 4th best* running back  with the 18th pick is a steal no matter what. (*ESPN had him 5th)
Worst Pick: Victor Cruz, WR, 3rd Round. Cruz will be a case study in reverting to the mean in 2012. He's a good player, but his TD/Target metric was one of the highest in league history for the last half of 2011. He'll get decent production, but statistically Cruz won't even look like the same player.
Notable: Robert Griffin III, QB, 5th Round. Here's a little stat for you to chew on: no QB ever drafted first or second has ever led their team to a record of .500 or better. Not since the draft has existed (pre-merger!). That being said, RG3 was the best amateur athlete in the state of Texas when he was recruited. In his final year of college, his 10.7 yards/attempt led the NCAA in passing, and he runs a 4.38. Despite RG3 being a Redskin, I really look forward to seeing what he can do.

RSR, Mannings and Manatees, 4th
You're welcome, RSR.
Best Pick: Jeremy Maclin, WR, 12th Round. Don't get me wrong, Maclin isn't an elite receiver, but he's still very good. Despite missing five games last season to injury, Maclin went 63 catches/ 859yards/ 5TDs. He's healthy now, and he'll see a lot of one-on-one this season. 12th Round was an absolute steal.
Worst Pick: Josh Freeman, QB, 4th Round. By deciding to take Jimmy Graham in the 3rd round, RSR rolled the dice and prayed that a decent QB would be left in the 4th. Snake eyes. Don't worry, Big Ben went to a good home. Better luck next next year.
Notable: Defense, Various Rounds. Listen to these names: Jared Allen, Von Miller, Roman Harper, Julius Peppers, and Antoine Bethea. Every one of them ranks in the top three at their position this year.

SKC, Happy Valley Slapping Sounds, 5th
Please leave any and all dick slapping to the professionals.
Best Pick: Ryan Matthews, RB, 6th Round. Let me hit you with some knowledge: Ryan Matthews missed 3 games last year due to injury, Mike Tolbert vultured every red zone TD, and Matthews STILL finished as a top-10 back last season. Now, Tolbert is gone and Matthews is coming back healthy in week 2. New for 2012! It's The Ryan Matthews Show, Sundays, coming to a field near you.
Worst Pick: Dez Bryant, WR, 5th Round. It would be great if Dez had a breakout year, but with all his off the field problems, and his non-elite production, this was simply too high. Mike Wallace, a top-10 WR was still on the board. Inexcusable.
Notable: Michael Crabtree, WR, 20th Round. The 49ers don't have a great passing game or a great QB, but Crabtree has elite physical skills. Nothing wrong with taking a chance on a guy in the 20th round.

BEN, Empire Business, 6th
Everybody's gunning for the king
Best Pick: Matthew Stafford, QB, 1st Round. Of the QBs not named Brees, Rodgers, or Brady, only Stafford has a legitimate chance of leading the league in scoring this year. Megatron is in a class by himself. Brandon Pettigrew and Kevin Smith are also slated for a high number of targets. ESPN doesn't include 40 and 50+ TD bonuses in their projections, but they count in the games.
Worst Pick: DeSean Jackson, WR, 5th Round. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here. You should have drafted Mike Wallace. Jackson gets fewer targets, has a lower catch rate, has a lower red-zone target rate, and is generally not as good of a player. Jesus fucking Christ.
Notable: Dwayne Bowe, WR, 12th Round. I have Dwayne Bowe ranked 8th among all receivers. I realize that this in an unpopular opinion, but I think Bowe is going to shock a lot of people. He gets tons of targets, has a high catch rate, and is insanely athletic. That's why there's so many songs about Dwayne Bowes.

MMB, Password is Taco, 7th
Chasing the Dream
Best Pick: Maurice Jones Drew, RB, 2nd Round. MJD is the perfect fantasy running back. He's sturdy, he's dependable, and he fucking loves fantasy football. He attends conventions, drafts himself first in every league, and lobbies his coaches for more carries anytime he nears 100 yards. Love this guy.
Worst Pick: Tyvon Branch, SAF, 13th Round. Branch is a fine safety, and I'm sure he plays well this season, but the difference between the #3 safety and the #22 safety is only 10 points.
Notable: Defensive Role Players, Various. This team has only 2 QBs, 3 RBs, and 4 WRs and yet it boasts 3 DTs, 3 DEs, 3 LBs, 3 SAFs, and 3 CBs. Depth on offense looks a little thin, but uhh... Defense wins championships?

ARB, Mammals Of The One Percent, 8th
One Percent Cat belongs at the top. Don't try to upset the natural order of things.

Best Pick: Aaron Hernandez, TE, 5th Round. Aaron Hernandez was the #3 TE in the league last year while Gronk was putting up all-time great numbers. Gronk is a media superstar now, and he's going to get doubled more often than not. Hernandez is an athletic freak playing WR/TE hybrid in an offense with plenty of targets to go around.
Worst Pick: Brandon Lloyd, WR, 6th Round. Don't get me wrong. I love the idea Brandon Lloyd catching passes every week from Dreamboat. I really do. Sadly, the projections just don't agree with me, even when adjusting for scheme. That being said, Lloyd is going to own this year, numbers be damned.
Notable: Christian Ponder, QB, 25th Round. The Vikings are terrible, and Peterson is basically the only game in town. This means Ponder is going to be throwing against single coverage for every throw of the season. You can never have too many QBs in this league, and I think he could do something this year.

ADL, Repeat? I GOT THIS, 9th
One day, ADL hopes to be rich enough to vote Democrat
 Best Pick: Matt Ryan, QB, 2nd Round. Matty Ice is going to be huge this year. Julio Jones, Roddy White, and Tony Gonzales are just an embarrassment of riches when you factor in the running game. I expect him to throw no less than 10 50+yard TDs this season.
Worst Pick: Sean Lee, LB, 9th Round. Sean Lee is a fantastic actual football player. As a fantasy guy? Not so much. He just doesn't play one of the positions that we reward in this league. Too few tackles, too few sacks, too few TFLs all add up to a below-average fantasy linebacker.
Notable: Reggie Bush, RB, 16th Round. Bush is an elite athlete playing on a mediocre team. However, his touches have been increasing and his averages have always been good. If he really becomes the guy in Miami, I think he'll put up top 10 numbers.

SKR, Baiters Gonna 'Bait, 10th
Never draft Vick in the first round
Best Pick: Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB, 12th Round. Fitzpatrick is not even very good, but he's OK. Anytime you can get a decent QB in the 12th round, that's a huge win. It's difficult to put into words just how important this pick is until you read the next section.
Worst Pick: Michael Vick, QB, 1st Round. Michael Vick is like a hot supermodel who's into crazy shit into the bedroom and buys you sportscars for fun. Michael Vick is like that supermodel if that supermodel was also a serial killer who only killed her boyfriends. You can point to everything good about Michael Vick in the world, and then I will point to his injury history, and then you will have a sad. Michael Vick murders teams.
Notable: Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, 11th Round. Don't look now but Heyward-Bey might not be as bad as everyone seems to think is. Heyward-Bey put up 975 yards last year with a disinterested (at best) quarterback. Carson Palmer is in great shape by all accounts, and Heyward Bey is looking good. I'm not expecting 15 a game or anything, but this guy is gonna drop 35 one week and shut everybody up.
Don't change that dial. Full team previews are coming at you like 3D porno.


  1. Here's to hoping my "worst pick" does as well as my "worst pick" from last year... I'm not as thoroughly optimistic, though.

    1. Good decisions and good outcomes are different things. Cam is great, but he's the exception not the rule.

  2. Are 3D Pornos notorious for lengthy bufferings?

  3. Dead Jobs is smiling at this picture.