Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Week 4 Review: Fantastic Finishes

T.O.'s Time Outs thought they had the Week 4 Championship. The Celery Men thought otherwise.
What a week of football! The ending to the Tennessee-LSU game was the craziest finish I have ever seen. Here's the video for those who missed it (watch the ENTIRE video):

Jesus, that's a tough loss. Sucks to be you, Tennessee.

In CABC land, scoring was down across the board, but this was an incredibly exciting week. Three teams were projected to overtake their opponents heading into MNF, but all three ended up falling short. SKC, ADL, and RSR can officially relax. BEN, GMF, and SKR can officially curse their teams for folding like a cheap suit. Let's break down the action:

ARB wears glasses while he calculates; he thinks it makes him smarter.
The Celery Men (4-0) over Nude Tayne (2-2), 183.5 - 134

Just who are Nude Tayne? Are they the juggernaut from Weeks 1 and 2, or are they the pretenders from Weeks 3 and 4? Only time will tell. The Celery Men have turned in four remarkably consistent performances: 182.5, 181.5, 188, and 183.5. Is this a result of ARB's careful planning or merely luck? Again, only time will tell.
MMB looks cute and cuddly, but he's secretly sort of dangerous.
T.O.'s Time Outs (3-1) over First Down Syndrome (0-4), 177.5 - 107

Well, MMB, you gave me quite a scare! For a moment there, I thought my Week Championship was in jeopardy! The Time Outs are trending upwards, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, "please don't." Our Week 4 MVP, Arian Foster, dropped 44 this week after some seriously weird "disciplinary benching" (he missed 25 minutes). If you can miss almost half a game and still put up MVP numbers, then you might be a badass. JBF, I just don't know what to say. My current theory is that the stress of hosting all of us for the draft temporarily took your mind off of selecting quality players. I'd like to tell you that I had a fantastic time at CABC Draft 2010, and thank you for sacrificing your team to get us Chick-fil-A.
ADL is just happy to be out there mixing it up
Cocks Out Crocs Out (1-3) over Foxborough Fellatio (0-4), 131 - 123

In this battle of winless teams, ADL triumphed by a small margin. Both these teams' quarterbacks played in the ugliest SNF game in recent memory. Somone should page Ray Rice and tell him that the season has started. GMF has declared a Fellatio "Fire Sale", which sounds like he's selling an oral sex/gonorrhea combo pack. Personally, I think this is a mistake. Fellatio certainly requires some work, but I don't think blowing up the whole team is necessary. At least GMF has Kolb coming back...
SKC has the NFC in the palm of his hand.
David Buehler's Day Off (4-0) over Assholes Finish 1st (3-1), 156.5 - 134.5

This was easily the game of the week. NFC dominance and a playoff tie-breaker were at stake, and heading into Monday Night Football, BEN was the clear favorite. Luckily for SKC, Brandon Marshall and Randy Moss made a bet going to see who could put up fewer points. SKC triumphed over BEN, and now holds the sole lead in the NFC. I have a feeling that BEN will be back with a vengeance. Can't wait for the rematch.
RSR is as happy a a baby hippo after this close win
DP Defriended Me (2-2) over NomNomNom Suh (1-3), 150.5 - 150

The Thrill of Victory! The Agony of Defeat! Any time you lose a close game, you're upset with yourself. "If only...," you cry bitterly into the unforgiving night sky. At times like this, one can only remember the wisdom of the great ones:

I go in, I triple deke. I fake the goalie right out of his pads.

The puck's headed in, and then...

Clang! Hits the post.

We lost in overtime.

A quarter of an inch this way and it would have gone in.

A quarter of an inch, Charlie. 

Yeah, but a quarter inch the other way and you'd have missed completely. 

-The Mighty Ducks  
(Note: This sounded a lot more reasonable when I was a retarded little kid. I now know what a 1/4" looks like. I now realize how big both a hockey puck and a goalpost are. A 1/4" either wouldn't have allowed him make it, or it wouldn't have made him miss completely.)

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