Week 1 Review: Big Wins and Tough Losses

David Buehler's Day Off is our Week 1 Champion!

The Celery Men over Foxbourough Fellatio, 182.5 - 154

Despite huge efforts from both Zulu Cthulu (40 points) and The Incredible Sulk (35.5 points), Fellatio went down this week. Both teams put in fantastic efforts early, but Foxbourough Fellatio pulled up lame down the final stretch. Ryan Grant and Kevin Kolb were both injured. Grant is out for the season and Kolb looked shaky before his concussion. Michael Vick played well as Kolb’s replacement, but the Eagles are unlikely to name Vick the starter. (I just don’t think the Eagles will admit they were wrong about trading McNabb and starting Kolb.)

The Celery Men fought hard and eventually triumphed. Dreamboat and Mendenhall turned in the performances of note with 26 and 33.5 points respectively.

T.O.'s Time Outs over Cocks Out Crocs Out, 153.5 - 121.5

This game came down to one man: Arian Foster. He damn near dropped a fifty burger on the Colts this week. 33 rushes for 231 yards and 3 touchdowns for 49.5 points. Cocks Out Crocs Out's MVP, Chad Ochocinco, did his best with 25.5 points, but T.O.'s Time Outs and Arian Foster couldn't be stopped. I expect the week 12 rematch to be a much closer game.

Assholes Finish 1st over First Down Syndrome, 139 - 91.5

Wanna know how many points First Down Syndrome's offensive starters turned in this week? 39. A measly 39 points. There were four individual players who turned in more than 39 points this week. If JBF is serious about competing this year, then he needs to give his players a serious talking to.

Assholes Finish 1st turned in an uncharacteristically mediocre performance this week. Look for this team to ramp it up next week.

Nude Tayne over DP Defriended Me, 163.5 - 137

RER vanquished RSR in CABC's first brother against brother game of the season. Defense was the deciding factor in this game. RSR and RER's offenses finished within seven points of each other, but RER's defense turned in a monster game. Much to my dismay, Nude Tayne is emerging as a legitimate AFC playoff contender. DP Defriended Me doesn't need to worry too much though. This the lowest scoring opening week of football in five years. A rising tide lifts all ships.

David Buehler's Day Off over NomNomNom Suh, 184.5 - 175

SKC edged SKR in a barn burner. Peyton Manning dropped 51.5 points on his way to winning the game for David Buehler's Day off. Those 51.5 points are good enough to win Manning MVP of Week 1, and David Buehler's Day the points champion of Week 1. 

SKR and NomNomNom Suh didn't go down without a fight, though. Matt Forte racked up 41.5 points in the losing effort. Even though this is only Week 1, this division game will surely have playoff implications. SKC and SKR look like the class of the NFC. SKR needs to win the rubber match Week 10 in order to block SKC's playoff tiebreaker. 

Cowboys Stadium vs New Meadowlands Stadium: A Rational Comparison

Cowboys Stadium

VS.

New Meadowlands Stadium

The two newest NFL stadiums belong to NFC East rivals (and New Jersey's B-team).

Wouldn't it be nice if we had an unbiased discussion of the relative merits of the two stadiums?

GOGTFO

Inspired by Brooks' Celery Man Avatar I recently made the switch to the new-age '94 graphics interchange format as well, and I recommend the rest of CABC follow.

Here are some suggestions:

CABC POWER RANKINGS- WEEK 1

White to play. Can you spot the winning continuation?

Before you know what the right move is in any game, you have to know all your options. Now that the draft is over, the majority of the decisions any team manager makes will be lineup changes. Let's use this initial, post-draft look at lineup projections as a jumping off point for lineup changes in future weeks.

In descending order...

How to Read and Manage your Lineup Projections

Your team will look like this. Well, hopefully better than this.

This spreadsheet is the one that I'll be using all year to kick out lineups for our teams. The spreadsheet is fairly simple to use. On the left side of your player names there is a column titled "Starting". This is the only section of the spreadsheet you should be editing.

The positions are fairly self explanatory. Look in the yellow portion of the lineup box to see what the starting positions are labeled.

The entries under "Starting" in the first image produce this lineup box. Do not edit the lineup box.

Every position is the abbreviated slot name plus a position. For example: your quarterback is QB1, not QB (even though there is only one of them). Everything else should be taken care of.

As the season progresses, this is the format in which I'll be providing weekly projections for teams. Learn it. Love it.

When free agents are added to teams, I'll make the corresponding changes to the spreadsheet and have them out before the first game. Expect this to start about Week 4 (defensive projections are just inaccurate at this point to be meaningful).

I'm sending out the full preseason spreadsheet now.

Full roster commentary coming shortly.

2010 Week 1 Preview

Play Ball, Gentlemen.

Assholes (0-0) at Syndrome (0-0)

The 90’s had The Dallas Cowboys. The early 2000’s saw The New England Patriots rise to power. The second half of the decade, Bernard asserted his dominance by claiming 3 out of 4 CABC titles. A holdout throughout the offseason, BNew finally caved and again rejoined the league at the last minute hoping to pull off a two-peat repeat. In Rodgers and Moss, the Assholes have two position leaders anchoring their lineup. Boldin, Marshall and McNabb have all changed teams during the offseason and Burry will struggle if these big names do not perform as they have in the past. A strong defense and Ben Roethlisberger waiting in the wings make the Assholes and their asshole manager again the favorites entering the 2010 season.

Choosing to draft youth over experience, the Syndrome are swinging for the fences this season. Michael Crabtree may be entering his sophomore season, but he has just completed his first NFL offseason and training camp and his true impact for the Niners has yet to be seen. WAC standout Ryan Mathews hopes to be the man replacing LT and Sproles in Norv Turner’s offense. Whether these players can anchor the Syndrome to victory has yet to be seen.

Fellatio (0-0) at Celery (0-0)

Chris Johnson opens the season up against the Oakland Raiders. That’s about as deep as this matchup needs to go. Miles Austin shouldn’t disappoint following his new 6 year deal with the Dallas Cowboys.

The GM of the Celery Men was no doubt shitting himself at 5:30 this morning when Tom Brady said goodbye to his beautiful wife, walked out of his beautiful house, got into his beautiful car and crashed it into a telephone pole. I’m sure we can all find out what if anything is wrong with him by reading the Patriots’ weekly injury report.

Crocs Out (0-0) at TimeOuts (0-0)

This week’s closest game could also be called the Apathy Bowl. The man who wins is likely to participate for one more week while we probably won’t hear from the loser until next season. It seems likely that DLass is familiar with Calvin Johnson and Chad Ochocinco, but how the Home Run King learned about Arian Foster and Shonn Greene is unclear.

Buehler (0-0) at NomNomNom (0-0)

Kelly’s cursory review of a fantasy football guide from 2007 led him to the misguided drafting of LaDainian Tomlinson. It’s not my job to rip apart his draft day decisions; I just look at the matchups. I look this one and see that unless Peyton Manning puts up 80 and Favre has a stroke during his first series, it looks like King will take the week. However with the anchors of the NomNomNom team playing in the Thursday night matchup, Kelly may be able to make some roster moves to try and get the W if Older than Jesus and Purple Jesus underperform against the Saints.

DPDM (0-0) at Tayne (0-0)

There have been plenty of epic battles between brothers throughout history: Cain and Abel, Romulus and Remus, Damon and Marlon. I would like to extend a warm welcome to our newest member of the CABC family and I don’t think there is any better way for him to cut his teeth than against his real family. At the end of the day, you’ll probably both still hate one another.

2010 CABC TEAM PROJECTIONS

Projections can sometimes be like reading tomorrow's newspaper today.

Without further ado, here are your 2010 CABC Team Projections:

Every war begins with a first encounter, a first blow, a first casualty. This is the shot heard 'round the world... THE CABC DRAFT!!!

The Brooks-Cunningham War Library of Absolute Silence

...With the first pick in the CABC draft, SKC selects... 

Hermano is Spanish for Brother...

Before we get started and I carry on the 10th team's tradition of getting its ass handed to it week after week (Hill told me it was a strong tactic to draft players that tore their ACL three days before our draft--looking at you, Montario), I'd like to thank everyone for the opportunity to take part in what I--and some guy in Virginia--consider to be the finest fantasy football league in all the land.

After the addition of yours truly--along with Reed, Jeff, Greg, and Barry--there are now five brothers in the CABC. Below is a little video dedicated to brotherhood:

State of the League

My Esteemed Colleagues,

It is my unique pleasure to welcome you all to a new season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

First, I'd like to bid farewell to one of our league's oldest members, Mr. HRP. We were all saddened by his decision to divorce our league and run off with some younger, sexier league. We wish them the worst.

Second, I'd like to bid a warm welcome to our newest member, Mr. RER. Each of us has enjoyed having Mr. R The Younger as a member, and I suspect that the Brothers R. in total will exceed their sum individually.

Third, Week 11 of our regular season (Thanksgiving) is now Rivalry Week. Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King.

I hope this new scheduling wrinkle deepens the level of hatred and contempt between both parties in all games. I also (not so) secretly hope for at least one physical altercation over a fantasy football game this season.

The rules for scoring, playoff advancement, free agents, and trades are the same as last year. As a refresher, I've included the league format below:

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

I've finished the team projections, draft overview, and league draft summary spreadsheets. Look for those before game time tonight. Additionally, the Week 1 preview will be available at kickoff.

Before I sign off tonight, I'd like to leave you with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

I am twenty-three years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

Alex Brooks

Commissioner, Can't All Be Cowboys