A Gentleman, Scholar & PROPHET!

Welcome to your Death, Stanley...Christmas Edition!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Poor Narwhal.

The severed narwhal head later went on to have a successful career in Japanese tentacle porn

Fidelity Fires Four for Fantasy Football

Sad news today. Four of our brothers-in-fantasy-sports have been job-murdered.

Star Telegram

Each commissioner was fired, but team owners were spared. Hopefully I make the playoffs the year I'm fired for running an office league.

Mike Tomlin Owes Me Cash Money

I think Mike Tomlin is a great coach. He's the kind of hard-nosed tough-guy that the Cowboys need to come in and run their organization. That is why I decided he would be the perfect coach for my team when I selected him at the beginning of the season. But it would seem that both the Steelers and the Lunchbox have had their fair share of difficulties this year. And who do I blame for these shortcomings? Mike Tomlin.

Rick Carlisle Talks Table Tennis

This clip has got it all. Soothing rhythm & blues opening, 360 view of Richard competing, off-race expert playing the sport, shameless ping-pong promotions, and a segment called "How Many Balls Can Rick Hold"



I'm gonna go videotape his refrigerator ... his shoes.

It's called Intimidation

Upon reflecting this past regular season, I understood around Week 7 as to why I had dominated the league so ferociously.

INTIMIDATION

boom woaaaah ssstamp!

I didn't want anyone to know about this insight, so I kept it secret. Destined to lose with Matty and Mickey out, even to the Dutch Rudder, I still withheld revealing the source of my success. If Beary loses to me in the postseason, that is just downright pathetic.

Also, Brooks had the highest PA with 2375, 83 points higher than the top PF, which was also Brooks.

Play Him Off...

"I should have been a holder"

Week 14 Preview: Only the Games I Care About

Mark (160) at Jeff (188)
Mark has been on fire the second half of the season. His 7 wins in a row have been enough to raise him from last in the NFC to the second place spot. Now he is playing for his playoff life. A Beneke win seals his spot and makes him the favorite to win the division as Reed continues his downward spiral. Unfortunately, Mark comes into this game as the underdog. Should Beneke and Barry lose, Jeff will be vaulted into the playoffs despite his rough season.

Stan (163) at Shep (171)
These guys have a lot in common. They both have two older sisters and hysterical middle names that start with "K". Despite these similarities, this game is sure to set off a new rivalry going into next season and the future. Win and you're in, gentlemen. Simple as that.

Barry (186) at Brooks (182)
This is why there aren't Monday Night games week 17. Following his loss last weekend, Brooks has been eliminated from playoff contention. Barry has the NFC tiebreak should he finish with the same record as Mark and Jeff. Brooks has no reason to play this game except for pride and spite. Who cares about Team Jacob and Team Edward. I'm on Team Brooks.

Hey Alex Ben_ke, got any quaaludes.

was i the only one that didn't notice this until now?

Mark Sucks at Talking Trash

I am at lunch, so I am too busy to come up with a creative retort. Instead I am choosing to publicly shame Mark.

MB>I'm thinking about taking the Cadillac into town this Sunday for the big win. Need a ride?
JF>Is that a reference I should get?
MB>Cadillac Williams that is OOooh
JF>Oh, got ya. That's why it didn't make any sense.
MB>Ok bad one I'll admit that

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

A Holiday Grab Bag

• My sister Brooke [insert hot sister joke here, Brooks/everyone] shared some photos of her son's 1st birthday party on Facebook. The best one:

Week 13 Review

Greg def. Brooks
Another tough one, Brooks. Peyton Manning has started slacking off the past few weeks and though the Colts continue their undefeated run, Brooks has been left wondering how Eli is inserted where Peyton should be. Greg's victory guaranteed him the top spot in the playoffs, but one look at his players' difficult remaining schedule and you can see that team success is not set in stone.

Jeff def. Stan
After getting off to a rough start Thursday night, Jeff got lucky when Drew Brees got to play an extra period on Sunday. After scoring close to 100 points over the past two weeks, Brees has taken over the top points spot in the league. Stan could have performed better had he made some different personnel decisions, but Brandon Jacobs is an asshole who deserves to be left on the bench.

Barry def. Reed
This week the role of Colt McCoy was played by Reed Rusch-sch-sch. Yeah, CM12's father coaches football and drives a truck and Reed's dad slings office chairs with lumbar support and rolls around town in...well it's a Ford. But still, the similarities are there. They both have a love for Purple Jesus, ridiculous Texas names, and started the season feelin hot hot hot. But Barry was Ndamukon Suh. Following his record setting 9-0 start, Reed has lost to all three teams he could play in the conference championship and to Greg, who will likely win the AFC. Earlier this season, RR questioned why we have a 5 point home field advantage. Now that his team is limping into the playoffs without a quarterback, I'm sure Reed is happy to have all the help he can get.

Mark def. Drew
Beneke's game was way too close this week when you realize Drew has not changed his team lineup in weeks. Once inserted to keep his team competitive, Marc Bulger is now a constant reminder that some people are too busy to keep track of us little people. Mark has fought his way back from a miserable start and now controls his own playoff fate. A loss by the Eagles last Sunday and Mark would have lost to half a team. Aaron Rodgers continues to wow, but without Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez is not a top 5 producing TE. Mark's Offense is weak and his Defense is almost nonexistent. Burn.

Shep def. Hill
It's been a great week in Shepsylvania. The Mighty Hornfrogs were invited to play in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl and it appears that he was able to lock up the second playoff spot in the AFC. Hill on the other hand learned a valuable lesson in party planning-20 people bringing Tonic Water yields a shit ton of Tonic Water. He's scored the fewest points and hasn't won a single game on the road. It's okay, Wade, we still love you.

I want to play Henry Perot, Every Week

Brutal Polar Bear Attack (NSFW)

Holy Shit. Pictures after the jump.

Drew Bree$ is so money, but where are his endorsements?

There are two teams in the NFL that are undefeated now in week 13. The Colts have been stellar with Peyton Manning leading the team, and you can't turn on your TV without seeing him hawk something. So where is the Saints star this holiday season? Everyone is out there selling crap, but not Drew Brees. The guy is a 3 time Pro-Bowler who has thrown for almost 30,000 yards.

Why is his only TV ad an old Sportscenter promo? Yeah, he's got that scar on his face, so he can't move razors like Matt Ryan. And I can't tell if that Strahan ad is for his "15-Minute Flab" workout tapes or Vaseline. I don't know what kind of reptile DNA Nike put into Adrian Peterson to make him super-tough and prone to fumble. My money is on a snake because they are pretty slick and they don't have opposable thumbs.

There are billboards around Dallas with a new spokesman for Christ, Jason Witten. Chris Cooley is used to reading his playbook sans pants, but he and his Redskin teammates have a series of ads for cheap cars in DC. All in all, the greatest ad man in the NFL today has to be Aaron Rodgers.

Week 10 - Week 14+ Review

I LOSE

Calms Me Down...

Week 12 Review

Shep def. Brooks (201.5-165.5)
Darren Sharper got another interception. Seriously this guy has to be some super secret Air Force experiment that they let loose into society to see what would happen. He could be an entire episode of Fringe. Peyton Manning once again saved The Colts by destroying the Texans and Charles Woodson put on a clinic against Detroit on Thursday. Dude must've eaten an entire turkey when he got home after grabbing a sack, a fumble and two interceptions, taking back one for six points. These performances were good, but not quite good enough to take down a revived Robinson team. After dropping his past few games, Shepherd decided to hope for a Thanksgiving miracle and set his team's success on the broad shoulders of Antonio Gates. 7 catches for 118 yards and 2 TDs breathed new life into the Broken Prydz. Good job, Taco, err-Shep.



Stan def. Hill (149.5-121)
The Trade Deadline came and went without any activity. I blame this entirely on Stan. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a nice guy, but he's impossible to trade with, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. Dude, I asked for Trent Cole, not Jared Allen. There isn't a player on your team I would give up my entire defense for. I offered what I thought was fair value: 2 guys named Bell and a Star Trek DVD. If you're too cool to hang out with Uhura and Bones, then you have fun up there on your high horse. Hill welcome back to America. We play 16 games in our league, next year I suggest you show up Week 1.

Y'all think he's a Democrat?

Greg def. Reed (180-138.5)
It's been a rough couple of weeks for Reed. USC throws away their title chances, Ireland gets screwed by Thierry Henry and Saskatchewan loses a heartbreaker in the Grey Cup.

Matt Ryan and Mike Turner balanced each other out this week, and zero points out of his best players is a rough way to get through a game. I don't think it really made a difference in the end. Chris Johnson is playing out of someone's mind. I'm glad that Miles Austin is playing well again and I really wish Reed the best, but damn...he's playing like the _________ (insert recent Superbowl winning team here) right now.

Jeff def. Drew (218-107)
So, how 'bout that Bulger guy? Pretty good, huh? Yeah? After losing our first meeting by half a point, it was nice to torch Drew and score the most points of the season. I think this video clip sums up the way DL played this game.


Mark def. Barry (153-148.5)
At 10:18 last night I was left speechless. Mark sent me a text message freaking out because Darren Sharper picked off Tom Brady in the 4th quarter of the Monday Night Football game. He thought that after holding off Barry for 1,070 fantasy minutes, it was all over. However, I didn't know which was more shocking- Mark actually watching MNF or Mark not knowing that Darren Sharper and Roman Harper are two different players. Mark has been impressive the past 6 weeks, but the NFC playoff picture is still hazy. Look for Barry to use his final FA pickup tonight as he attempts to lock up his spot in the postseason.

I heart VY

You Just Couldn't Leave Well Enough Alone, Could You?

Listen Jessica,

This shit has got to stop. I mean it. Go back to your music career and leave any and all Dallas football teams behind you. You're latest attempt to destroy the destroy the Dallas Cowboys was uninspired, at best. I think I speak for everyone when I say

The Cowboy's don't need any help destroying themselves, and the only way to destroy Romo is by putting Kryptonite in a blonde wig. I think he may have figured that trick out by now.

Furthermore, do you really want to go Full-Aniston? Because that's where you're heading. Never go Full-Aniston.

That being said, I realize that you won't ever let it go. You're a woman, and women are crazy. I think half my high-school curriculum was devoted solely to making that point clear. You're not going to stop, so let me at least offer some suggestions:

• Subtlety is crucial in any remarks designed to inspire jealousy.
• Ask one of Romo's teammates who makes his blazer, then compliment his teammate's refined taste.
• Now, Romo is unsure if you just like the blazer or are fucking with him. He's curious. So he thinks about it. People are like that.
  
• So now he watches you and said teammate every time you talk. You're already halfway there. Exchange numbers with the guy, then leave.
• Game Over.
• Romo thinks you exchanged numbers to hook up, but the conversation was about some blazer boutique that you forgot the name of and promised to text him about later.
• Romo accuses teammate, teammate tries to explain, Romo doesn't believe him. 
• And the Cowboys lose in the first round of the playoffs.
• Or you could just do this, although I'm pretty sure this would be illegal:
  
• Hire a voice actor to learn to imitate his teammates' and coaches' voices. Plenty of good tape on ESPN/NFLN. Then, have the actor call Romo for "emergency meetings about a trade" at Valley Ranch in the middle of the night. Or have his "teammates" invite him to a club only to not show up. Shake his confidence in what's real. He might even tell his real coaches to fuck off thinking they're actors. Who knows?

Or you could just leave Romo and the Cowboys out of it all together. How about that? Please, Jessica? There are 31 other teams out there. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Fan
P.S.: Don't get fat again. Nobody likes a fat pop star.

Keep Your Chin Up, Big Cat. Happens to the Best of Us.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards.

Via

POWER RANKINGS 2: REDUX OF THE RETURN STRIKES BACK, AGAIN!

CABC POWER RANKINGS: PLAYOFF PREVIEW EDITION

I don't want to give anything away, but the ending to this one is a Dooooozy. These next three weeks are huge for every single team. No one has locked up at playoff spot yet, and crazily, NO ONE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THE PLAYOFFS. This league has more parity than heads vs tails. 

1. GMF- Appalachia Dingleberries (6-5, 5-1 AFC, 1733-1619.5)
Strong divisional play has catapulted the Dingleberries to the top of our rankings. Greg wins all tie breakers in the AFC. He holds the head to head tie breaker over Shep and Stan, and he holds the division record tie breaker over Brooks. His remaining schedule is difficult, but Greg projects to win his remaining games and clinch the 1st seed in the AFC.

2. RSR- Mark's First Attempt At This (9-2, 4-2 NFC, 1676.5-1535)
Much like Greg, Reed has secured his top spot in the NFC though strong divisional play and by holding tie breakers over the rest of the field. Reed must now concern himself with his strong remaining schedule to have some momentum going into the playoffs.

3. ARB- Fuck Yeah That Wide! (6-5, 3-2 AFC, 1826.5-1776.5)
As we dive down deeper into our league, the waters begin to muddy and our picture of a team's future becomes less clear. After a devastating loss to Stan in week 11, That Wide! plays Shep, Greg, and Barry in the team's remaining three games. Wins in these games would clinch the 2nd playoff spot, but even going 1-2 would virtually guarantee a place in the consolation ladder. Strangely, Brooks should be doing all he can to help Hill finish strong: Butkus' remaining schedule includes every AFC division opponent except That Wide!.

4. MMB- 09 - R - 3260 - (6-5, 2-3 NFC, 1644-1688)
Hollllllllly SHIT. Look what we have here!  Mark has gone on a five game winning streak and jumped from 8th all the way to 4th in our power rankings. Furthermore, Mark is projected to defeat his arch-rival and NFC nemesis, Barry, in the game this week. Mark's remaining schedule gives him an excellent opportunity to improve his division record and grab the 2nd playoff spot in the NFC. This team is simply on fire right now.

5. BEN- Assholes Finish 1st (6-5, 4-2 NFC, 1695.5-1772.5)
Championship teams simply cannot afford to lose big games. That's exactly what Finish 1st did last week in a dogfight against LUNCHBOX. Barry had a chance to eliminate Jeff from playoff contention and put his divisional record out of reach as a tie breaker. Now, what was once a certainty becomes a coin toss. Barry plays Mark, Reed and Brooks in his final three games. Instead of sitting in the catbird seat, Barry will be stuck in a pew this Sunday praying for a win over Mark. Remember, God helps those who help themselves.

6. SKC- H1 Bitch1 (5-6, 2-4 AFC, 1722.5-1555)
Although Stan is currently sitting a game back, his remaining schedule will allow Stan to easily creep back into contention. Bitch1 is projected to win two of the next three games, but this AFC playoff race will most likely come down to the final week. Much like the Dallas Cowboys, Stan has hitched his wagon to Tony Romo. If Romo falters; Stan, the Dallas Cowboys, and the world could slip away into darkness.

7. JBF- HUNGARIAN LUNCHBOX (5-6, 2-4 NFC, 1641.5-1627.5)
This team is dancing on the razor's edge. LUNCHBOX pulled off a miraculous upset last week by defeating Finish 1st by 7.5 points at home. The next three weeks will truly test LUNCHBOX down the stretch. Jeff is playing Mark the final week of the season. He'll either be looking to clinch a playoff spot, or looking to play the spoiler. LUNCHBOX is still firmly on the outside looking in, but this win has kept the dream alive for one more week.

8. SKR- Broken Prydz (5-6, 2-3 AFC, 1528.5-1625)
Somebody grab a defibrillator, because this team has flat-lined. Through six games, Shep had won five games with tactical and deliberate team play. Who could have guessed then that this team would lose its next five games? The good news is this: because of Prydz elite early season performance, the team is only one game back in the AFC. Additionally, Shep's three remaining games are against division opponents. This team is still in control of its own destiny, and wins against That Wide! and Bitch1 would go a long way towards making the playoffs.

9. ADL- Dutch Rudder Anyone? (4-7, 2-3 NFC, 1565.5-1594.4)
 Unbelievably, this team is still has a shot. Proof of concept: First, Drew has to win all his games. Next, Drew needs Mark to beat Barry and then lose his remaining games. Then, Drew needs Barry to lose to Mark, Reed, and Brooks. Then, Drew needs Jeff to lose to himself and Stan, but beat Mark. This would leave Reed at 12-2 with the first playoff spot. This would also leave Barry (6-8, 4-4 NFC), Mark (7-7, 3-5 NFC), Jeff (6-8, 3-5 NFC) and Drew (7-7, 5-3 NFC). Drew would advance due to the head to head tie breaker over Mark, as well as his superior divisional record. QED.

10. HRP- My Ditka In Her Butkus (3-8, 2-3 AFC, 1497-1735.5)
If you thought Drew still being alive was incredible, wait to you hear this: The Hilldozer is running on fumes, but The 'Dozer is still alive and kicking. PEROT LIVES!!! First, Hill has to win all his remaining games. Next, Hill needs Stan and Greg to lose all their remaining games. Then Hill needs Shep to lose to Brooks, but to beat Stan. Then, Hill needs Brooks to win all his remaining games.  Brooks finishes 9-5 and grabs the first playoff spot. This leaves Greg (6-8, 5-3 AFC), Shep (6-8, 3-5 AFC), Stan (5-9, 2-6 AFC) and Hill (6-8, 5-3 AFC). Hill and Greg split games, and have a tied divisional record, so the tie breaker would fall to the points lead. If Hill has more points at the end of the season than Greg, he would take the number two playoff spot and advance. Honestly, I thought Perot was out of it, but they don't call him The Hilldozer for nothin'.

I Never Thought This Mexican Mask Would Come In So Handy

CRIME ALERT

November 21, 2009

A female student reported that at or about 5:54pm on Saturday, November 21, 2009, a Hispanic male was sitting in his car in the Sherley Hall parking lot. Suspect was looking toward the open windows of Sherley Hall. According to the student, the male appeared to be masturbating while watching the windows. The female student was able to get the license plate number of the suspect’s vehicle. The student then ran inside Sherley Hall and called the TCU Police. Suspect fled the scene.

Suspect is described as a Hispanic male, no facial hair, mid thirties with long, greasy, dark hair (ed: HA!) wearing some type of toboggan or skull cap.

The suspect’s vehicle is a 1987, 4 door Buick with TX. license plate 732 BNJ. The color is unknown.

The description of this suspect does not match any other suspects previously reported in other crime alerts.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPROACH OR APPREHEND THIS SUSPECT.

If vehicle is seen, call the POLICE: TCU 257-7777; FWPD 911

Close all shades or blinds to your dorm windows at dust and at night

Dorm windows blinds of the common areas should be closed at night.

Always be aware of the people around you at all times.

If you notice any suspicious person(s) call the police Immediately!

Week 11 Preview

Barry (215) at Jeff (170)
Following his David-esque performance against Reed last week, Jeff made a deal to strengthen his receiving corps and Defensive front. However he did not anticipate Barry swapping star WRs in order to get the Matt Schaub to Andre Johnson double-dip. This tandem is like the DQ Chocolate dipped cake cone to go along with his Waffle Bowl and Bad Attitude Sundae that is Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin. While the projection has Barry nuking Jeffrey out of the water, this matchup with likely prove to be closer than expected.

Drew (157) at Hill (163)
This game is a joke. It's almost as funny as the Mr. McGibblets song and dance. "Tickle me, and rub my belly. Tickle me, and rub my belly." [Video to follow]

Greg (182) at Shep (177)
Still in a downward spiral following his name change, it is hard to believe that Shep has not selected a new moniker for his team that will get them back on the right page. Something dignified like "Dr Pepper's Lonely Parts, Right Hand" or "Kentucky Deluxe, Wild Turkey, and Old Perot." Unfortunately we are still stuck with a picture of a woman's ass that we've all seen and a name that is over my head.

It would seem that Greg sees me as a more of a role model than I knew. I have now spent more semesters out of school than I have actually in class, and I am filled with a great sense of pride that my younger brother is following in my footsteps. Now Greg's extended summer vacation is finally winding down. He's had a lot of time to relax and reflect while at home this fall. Even though his injury was caused by working out, I think he has actually enjoyed his time in physical therapy. The Fijolek's have always had an entrepreneurial spirit dating back to the days of the family spaghetti factory in Chicago and our sock emporium, Something's A Foot. Greg and I have developed a business plan to open a chain of Fijolek Brothers BBQ-ram Yoga Centers. Instead of raising the temperature to a sweat inducing level, Greg will serve the customers barbecue until they begin suffering from the meat sweats at which point they will begin their yoga workouts.

Fijolek Brother's BBQ-ram Yoga - Home of the Matterdog

Mark (172) at Reed (145)
As Mark ventured out of the house for the first time in months to finally join the corporate world, Reed likely locked himself in his bathroom and cried the week away. Cheer up Reed, things could be worse. You could be Mark Mangino, Charlie Weis or Kurt Warner.


Stan (170) at Brooks (177)
Sir Brooks of Greenbrier faced a dilemma earlier this week with his powerback, Lord Ronnie Brown of Dolphinshire, went down for the season with a knee injury. Brooks immediately went into action, scouring over his opponents' rosters with a fine tooth comb, looking for a new RB. He now wishes that he could've made a deal with his week 11 rival to pickup Ricky Williams who picked up the slack in Brown's absence and scored 39 points for Stanley.

NFL Network Thursday Nights: Where Football Goes to Die

I do not know how many of you already read Tony Reali's weekly fantasy column, but it is something y'all should be on the lookout for the rest of the season.

Which is scarier: watching a Dolphins-Panthers game, or a Glenn Beck Christmas Special Fucktacular.

The damn Ruskies want to charge the working man more to make him forget his problems and those of his fellow countrymen.

Later boners, I'm going to go watch a little movie about a family of pointy-tooth bloodsuckers.

NOOOOO. Say it ain't sO-prah!

"Drama is like gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes."

The King is dead, long live the King [subtitle: Week 10 Review]

Greg def. Stan
If there's one person Stan hates more than Greg right now, it's Chris Johnson. In their week 4 match-up, Johnson only tallied 13 points and Greg still won the game. This week his 45.5 points made up for the rest of G's anemic offense, sending Stan to the bottom of the AFC.

Brenda Warner looks like mannequin from hell

Brooks def. Hill
Aside from the Cowboys' slip-up, it truly was a perfect weekend for Brooks. Donovan McNabb threw for 450 yards and the Eagles still managed to lose the game. In the end it was another embarrassing week for Hill. Despite Carson Palmer and Ryan Grant winning clutch games, but their performances were just bad when you look at the big picture.

Mark def. Shep
Since overestimating his level of creativity and changing his team name, Shepherd has dropped four straight games and fallen from the top of the AFC to an uncomfortable 3rd. No doubt cold and lonely, Shepherd coulda, woulda, shoulda pressed submit when altering his roster earlier this weekend. Now it appears that he may finish out of the money, an unfortunate turn of events for this recent Horned Frogs superfan who is hoping to follow his team to a BCS Bowl come January.

Mark's recent success can only be attributed to one thing: New Diet Extra Extreme Vanilla Muscle Milk Grape Wave Fever Crush, now with extra Diet. After a weak start to the season, Mark has established himself as a player in the NFC playoff race.

Jeff def. Reed
Well, well, well. Up until now Reed has dominated the league. This noob took the league by storm. I remember the season projections that our commissioner calculated many fortnights ago valued Double-Rs team at the bottom of the league, but Cedric Benson, Reggie Wayne and an undrafted sensation from Monmouth helped him establish the longest win streak to start a season in CABC history. And while I take pride and pleasure in my slaying of this dragon, I know that this small bump in the road will probably just make the beast more angry. I pity those who must face this great animal in coming weeks and any of his playoff foes. Allow us to take a moment and remember the awemazing 9-0 start from the team that is still number one in our hearts, Mark's First Attempt At This.

[Edit]
Barry def. Drew
Bernard T. Nerdw_ll felt left out when I did not include his victory over Drew in this review. He wanted to know if it was because he was black. No Barry I did not leave you out because you're black. I am posting this because you are though.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Is Blackface Ever OK?
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Stan, you're fucked...

As I was perusing the internetz trying to find creatures whose lives I value more than Stan's, I stumbled upon this pocket monster. When Pokémon Primary Colors first came out, I applauded Satoshi and Ken's creativity and imagination. But after further research, the Japanese are not that inspiring, but possess an unbelievable knowledge of the animal kingdom. Thus, I bring you the pangolin (Sunda Pangolin, Manis javanica), Texas Armadillo meets Gulf War.

T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y is the same number of letters as F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L

vs

Tonight marks the start of the NFLN season. There has been quite a bit of controversy centered around The Network over the years, but I can safely say that I don't give a shit about tonight's game. I pay for premium cable, but why waste my time watching the second-rate Bears go up against the Pride of the Mountain West, Alex Smith, and the Prodigal Son of Industrial Boulevard, Michael Crabtee? I've got better shows to watch like 30 Rock, Community, and Real Housewives of Orange County. Plus a little show called Sportscenter will tell me everything I care to know about this showdown in The Gay Area. So remember to set your rosters now before it's too late.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T while being served by at Bigler lookalike at lunch.

Happy Veteran's Day (You Civilian Pussies)!

Unrelated preface: I'm severely dismayed that there's no "dropcap" option for the beginning of posts. Seeing a giant letter at the beginning of something makes it seem so much more dignified. Or is it that it looks easier to read?

Veteran's Day has seemed more like a 4 day long fucking marathon this year. Just when I've nudged the flowing locks and prominent jawline of Pat Tillman into the furthest crevices of my mind, Linda Cohn makes me get all hot with some 3 year old story about the heroics that led to him getting shot in the back by his own guy. In one of my classes, we all had to stand and clap for like 30 fucking minutes for this chick J'Erica (sic) who served 4 years in fucking San Diego. Seriously, these veterans are hogging the spotlight. I've tried to blend in with them so that I might get a slice of the action, but its too much of a sacrifice. Unless its urban camo, its so not my style.

I was daydreaming today, imagining what life would be like if I had joined the military. I've taken the liberty of doing the same for all of you, with pop culture likenesses included no extra charge! Praise our vets, Jesus, Amer'ca, and American Jesus. Read on to see what each of us would be like as military men.

Things I'm Willing to Kill Stan for:

1. The mid-sized platypus (NSW, Australia)
















2. The baby camel (Somalia, Africa)


















3. The baby echidna (southeast New Guinea)

Week 9 Preview

Brooks (180) at Stan (123)
This is a game with huge AFC playoff implications. With both teams tied at 4-4, the winner of this game will likely take the top stop at the end of this week. These guys are usually great about filling me in on the action when I am unable to watch a game, but I will ask everyone to refrain from discussing anything about the Cowboys-Eagles primetime matchup tonight. I will be down in Tucson for the evening, but I will watch every minute of the game when I return home. Thanks for your understanding.

Reed (168) at Shep (128)
Tall and Thin vs Tall and used to be Thin. Reed wins and continues his league domination. Shepherd cries.

Greg (186) at Mark (161)
This matchup features two hot teams with season saving wins the past couple of weeks. Greg is still in the playoff hunt in the AFC and Mark is looking to play spoiler for his NFC rivals. While The Greg is favored in this matchup, his team has been horrible on the road this season and Marky Mark could pick up another victory today and continue his rise from the bottom.

Jeff (181) at Barry (156)
All eyes will be on this light-heavyweight bout this weekend. With the top playoff spot in the NFC likely reserved for RR, these two competitors are fighting for a spot to play for the cash. Jeff is lucky enough to play his road game against Barry with Adrian Peterson sitting out for the week. With this rematch coming in Week 11, there is sure to be bad blood stemming from the outcome of this weekends game.

Hill (160) at Drew (182)
The two worst teams in the league. This essentially is the play-in game for the NCAA tournament. Yeah, you have to play it, but there's no chance that the victor poses a threat to win another game.

Humanitarianism is gay

Merry Xmas

Greg's Guide to Nutrition

Welcome back, this week we will look into the proper way to select a dining establishment that is appropriate for resolving that obnoxious hunger caused stomach growling.

• Seek out restaurants that serve queso. Queso can be used with anything, e.g. chips, fries, etc. Also, it is possibly the most delicious thing ever created. I'm surprised it hasn't been outlawed since its as addictive as heroin. But hey, I'm not complaining.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• If there is a sandwich item in play, I like for a little bit of grease to be leaking out the far end of the sandwich. Choose someplace that will leave your forearm nice and slick from all that delicious grease.
• If you think that eating there once to twice a week would induce a heart attack in the next 2-4 years, it is a great place. Eat there once or twice a week, trust me, no heart attack.

Skanky Whore serving unreasonably large burgers...Yes Please.

• Don't go to one of those little gay salad places. I don't have anything else to say about it, just don't do it.

In conclusion, there should be two restaurants that you immediately think of as appropriate options: Snuffer's and Texadelphia. Both are greasy, have queso, are delicious, and probably heart attack inducing.

Bad Conspiracy Theory of the Week

Picture from ToothpasteForDinner

 

What if the NFL was really a brainwashing mechanism? What if Roger Goodell wasn't just the commissioner of the league, but a Frankenstein like scientist who wanted to push the laws of nature to create a HDTV-Truck-Beer hybrid? What if The Grooler was only the beginning?

It's 9:12 PM in Phoenix and Edgerrin James still sucks

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POWER RANKINGS

Doin' Work

As mentioned an earlier post, our league now contains an unprecedented level of parity. As of this week, no team has been eliminated from playoff contention, and no team has clinched a playoff spot. So without further ado...

THE MIDSEASON CABC POWER RANKINGS

1. RSR- Mark's First Attempt At This (8-0, 4-0 NFC, 1279.5-1108.5)
     These guy has been on a rampage. Reed needs one more win to guarantee him a playoff spot, but in all likelihood, MFAAT will have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.

2. GMF- Appalachia Dingleberries (4-4, 3-1 AFC, 1286-1187)
     After a slow boom-or-bust start, this team has matured into a legitimate 200 point threat week in and week out. Greg could probably get to the playoffs with three wins, but five would win the division.

3. BEN- Assholes Finish 1st (4-4, 2-1 NFC, 1226-1315)
     With a strong defense and a solid running game, this team has moved to 2nd place in the NFC. Barry will need strong quarterback play throughout his upcoming division games if he wants to clinch the remaining NFC playoff spot.

4. SKR- Broken Prydz (5-3, 2-2 AFC, 1132-1143.5)
      By trading blowouts for consistency, Shep is in first place in the AFC. With a brutal remaining schedule, this team needs Ben Roethlisberger and Steven Jackson to step up to secure home-field advantage. If neither player produces, Shep could quickly find himself out of the playoffs.

5. ARB- Fuck Yeah That Wide! (4-4, 1-2 AFC, 1325-1296.5)
      This team faces a difficult remaining schedule and needs to win four of the remaining six games to guarantee a playoff spot. Because this team holds the total points lead, home-field advantage can be clinched if those four wins are within the division.

6. SKC- H1 Bitch1 (4-4, 1-2 AFC, 1259.5-1118)
      In the remaining six games, this team will play every in the NFC at least once. H1 Bitch1 has unique mobility within the league. This team will clinch home-field advantage if it wins all its remaining division games. Stan needs Romo to continue his level of play if he wants to see "H1 Bitch1" on a championship trophy.

7. JBF- HUNGARIAN LUNCHBOX (3-5, 0-3 NFC, 1220-1225.5)
     Here, an otherwise strong AFC contender is hampered by a poor divisional record. However, this team controls its own destiny. A sweep in the two upcoming games against Barry would put Jeff back in the driver's seat for the 2nd seed in the NFC.

8. MMB- 09-R-3260 (3-5, 1-3 NFC, 1151.5-1294)
      This team could make the playoffs by winning out, but realistically they will need some help. Specifically, Mark needs Jeff to sweep Barry and then split his other games. Since Mark beat Jeff earlier in the season, a second win by Mark over Jeff would propel 09-R-3260 to the playoffs.

9. ADL- Dutch Rudder Anyone? (3-5, 2-2 NFC, 1135-1168.5)
      Despite being 9th in the Power Rankings, Drew is by no means out of contention. This team plays a relatively soft remaining schedule, and faces Reed in the last week of the regular season. If Reed wanted Drew in the playoffs, he could "rest his starters" that week and see Dutch Rudder Anyone? in round one of the playoffs.

10. HRP- My Ditka in Her Butkus (2-6, 2-2 AFC, 1102-1260)
      In a league with less parity, "Hilldozer" might be out of it. In our league, he's only two games out of a playoff spot. His team's 1102 points are only thirty less than the AFC division leader's total. If Hill puts together a winning streak, and the rest of the conference splits games; a first place seed is still technically possible.


While the playoff dreams of many will inevitably vanish, each of us now hold a few precious coins of the currency of hope: possibility.

League Playoff Description
Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. Divisions were determined randomly at the beginning of the season. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head to head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away).