Tuesday, December 1, 2009

You Just Couldn't Leave Well Enough Alone, Could You?

Listen Jessica,
This shit has got to stop. I mean it. Go back to your music career and leave any and all Dallas football teams behind you. You're latest attempt to destroy the destroy the Dallas Cowboys was uninspired, at best. I think I speak for everyone when I say

The Cowboy's don't need any help destroying themselves, and the only way to destroy Romo is by putting Kryptonite in a blonde wig. I think he may have figured that trick out by now.

Furthermore, do you really want to go Full-Aniston? Because that's where you're heading. Never go Full-Aniston.

That being said, I realize that you won't ever let it go. You're a woman, and women are crazy. I think half my high-school curriculum was devoted solely to making that point clear. You're not going to stop, so let me at least offer some suggestions:
  • Subtlety is crucial in any remarks designed to inspire jealousy.
  • Ask one of Romo's teammates who makes his blazer, then compliment his teammate's refined taste.
  • Now, Romo is unsure if you just like the blazer or are fucking with him. He's curious. So he thinks about it. People are like that.
  • So now he watches you and said teammate every time you talk. You're already halfway there. Exchange numbers with the guy, then leave.
  • Game Over.
  • Romo thinks you exchanged numbers to hook up, but the conversation was about some blazer boutique that you forgot the name of and promised to text him about later.
  • Romo accuses teammate, teammate tries to explain, Romo doesn't believe him. 
  • And the Cowboys lose in the first round of the playoffs.
  • Or you could just do this, although I'm pretty sure this would be illegal:
    • Hire a voice actor to learn to imitate his teammates' and coaches' voices. Plenty of good tape on ESPN/NFLN. Then, have the actor call Romo for "emergency meetings about a trade" at Valley Ranch in the middle of the night. Or have his "teammates" invite him to a club only to not show up. Shake his confidence in what's real. He might even tell his real coaches to fuck off thinking they're actors. Who knows?
Or you could just leave Romo and the Cowboys out of it all together. How about that? Please, Jessica? There are 31 other teams out there. Plenty of fish in the sea.

A Concerned Fan
P.S.: Don't get fat again. Nobody likes a fat pop star.

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