Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Holiday Grab Bag

  • I heard a funny joke amidst table banter at the fam's Thanksgiving dinner: What's worse than a 100 year old man who stubbornly clings to his old fashioned ways? Give up??

A 100 year old man who stubbornly clings to his pedophilia, of course! I agree, old man, they just don't make them so ripe and submissive as they used to.

My initial reaction was "I would totally kill Stan for a 7x10 copy of this picture, framed". I reveled at how Donny III opportunistically mangled the shit out of that cake....tore it to bits, Predator style. He reminds me of a young me. I bet he gave his parents a diaper full of food-colored poo as a party favor.
...My ordinary stream of consciousness screeched to a halt when I saw a picture of the cake:

Oh, the cakebaby carnage!
  • My mom asked me to write out a Christmas list for her. Seeing as I haven't written out a Christmas list since I was addressing them to the North Pole, I felt like fulfilling her request might make me feel a tad juvenile. Needless to say, I embraced it. (I snail-mailed this letter to the mothership, verbatim, earlier this afternoon):

Dearest Mother-

Enclosed is a list of my demands. Should these demands not be met by 23:59:59 on the 24th day of December, 2009, I will paint the dogs electric green and replace all the light bulbs in the house with black lights. I will also eat all of the milk & cookies before Santa arrives.


  • Cable, New Television – What am I, some sort of crunchy granola Oregonian contending that television “rapes man of social and family life”? No. I am a 5th year college student. I have eaten pasta for the past 8 days straight, and when I go out, I prefer to drink Miller High Life because it is 50¢ cheaper. My kind considers TV one of the 13 basic food groups.

  • Panther Chameleon – they can turn all sorts of pretty colors and have perfected the art of kickin’ it.Plus, those googly eyes provide hours of entertainment.Don’t act like this request is in any way capricious, like you do every other Christmas.Chabillionaire will be mine… Oh yes… He will be mine.
  • $$$$$$$
  • Electric Green Paint
  • Xbox 360 – Red light of death on my old one.Means it doesn’t work.Also, see above
  • Clothes (perhaps a new blazer!?) (or maybe a stylish cardigan ;-)
  • 100 black light bulbs
  • Measuring Cup- for all the cooking I do

These are my demands. Christmas should be a time of giving and joy. Your giving me these things would bring me great joy. Until my birthday demands, you shan’t hear from me again.

Regards, your son,

Shepherd Juan Diego Robinson (I thought this sounded better, so I had it legally changed – make a note)

ps if the chameleon doesn’t work out, I’ll settle for any sort of jungle cat. It will save me money on an alarm system in the future.

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