Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Happy Veteran's Day (You Civilian Pussies)!

Unrelated preface: I'm severely dismayed that there's no "dropcap" option for the beginning of posts. Seeing a giant letter at the beginning of something makes it seem so much more dignified. Or is it that it looks easier to read?

Veteran's Day has seemed more like a 4 day long fucking marathon this year. Just when I've nudged the flowing locks and prominent jawline of Pat Tillman into the furthest crevices of my mind, Linda Cohn makes me get all hot with some 3 year old story about the heroics that led to him getting shot in the back by his own guy. In one of my classes, we all had to stand and clap for like 30 fucking minutes for this chick J'Erica (sic) who served 4 years in fucking San Diego. Seriously, these veterans are h
ogging the spotlight. I've tried to blend in with them so that I might get a slice of the action, but its too much of a sacrifice. Unless its urban camo, its so not my style.

I was daydreaming today, imagining what life would be like if I had joined the military. I've taken the liberty of doing the same for all of you, with pop culture likenesses included no extra charge! Praise our vets, Jesus, Amer'ca, and American Jesus. Read on to see what each of us would be like as military men.

  • Barry- He's been on me for weeks about obtaining Fitz and/or Steven Jackson. Every deal he has run by me so far has been laughable. He can also sometimes get this really crazy look in his eye. There's also the cop-out skin color similarity. Thus,

"Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm!"Bulleted List
  • Greg- After months of being bed/couchridden, Greg has honed his TV watching/cookie eating skills not unlike one of our greatest veterans honed his own Table Tennis skills while recovering from an ass injury. No, not Forrest Gump. This guy:

  • Stan- Deep down, somewhere around his belly button, Stan's fears of his friends murdering him and replacing him with baby animals grow. He better not go to the zoo with any of them any time soon. Stan:

  • Jeff- I think war would be especially tough on Jeff because he squirms at even his civilian friends' self-destructive tendencies. He would come back a bumbling mess, constantly harking back to the time some slope blew his buddies brains out in The Shit.

Plus, the Shabbos is already reserved for college football in Jeff's world, so he's got that qualification down.

  • Reed- he's pretty much wrecked everyone's shit in his first year in the league. In other words, he's bludgeoned every single one of us with his trusty baseball bat. Aside from ritual sacrifices to Jerry Jones, this might be the most American way to take a life:
Donny Donowitz, the Bear Jew

  • Drew- Dude already fondles his sweaters.

  • Mark- wouldn't much care for the whole authority thing in the Armed Forces. Loves guns, shooting guns, and rock & roll. Much like Nugent, although he's not a vet. Yet.

  • Shep- Following a stretch of dominating play, I have slipped a little bit. But in the end, I will courageously fight back, leading my statistical soldiers through thick & thin. I will be heralded for my heroism, and eventually elected President of the Internet.

  • Hill-
  • Brooks- Years of analyzing ballistics spreadsheets for the Navy slowly drove the guy crazy. Kills R. Lee Ermey, himself.


  1. I love this post, and I love America. But let's be honest: if I had spend all that time studying ballistics spreadsheets, wouldn't I have used a jacketed hollow point? A full metal jacket is the wrong tool the for job.

  2. Absolutely brilliant. Although, I'd be a hated Ruschhaupt if I were killing Germs in the '40s. Good thing I am an American