Week 7 Preview

Fellatio (1-5) at Tayne (3-3)

Tayne might have trouble taking out Fellatio if he doesn’t get his bye week situation taken care of. Chris Ivory will once again get the start for New Orleans, but whether or not he starts for RER has yet to be determined. What Tayne does have going for him is a league low 3 acquisitions going into Sunday which allows him the opportunity to make some upgrades. Fellatio’s offense is finally hitting its stride, but the defense continues to struggle. If he plans on making a comeback this season, GMF is going to need someone other than Jason Babin to step up and make some plays.

Celery Men (6-0) at TOTO (3-3)
The Homerun King gambled last week and lost when starting QB Vince Young went down in his Monday Night showdown with Jacksonville. MMB made the decision pregame to bench his Head Coach and play sans Kicker, a managerial blunder that cost him 14 points and the road win against the Tayne. The Celery Men continue to roll, boasting the only undefeated record in the CABC. ARB must have tremendous confidence in his team based on his decision to start Tom Brady against San Diego’s top ranked pass defense instead of Matt Cassell facing a Jacksonville Jaguars secondary that practices the pull out method when it comes to preventing wide receivers from scoring.

COCO (3-3) at Syndrome (0-6)
I’ve become quite comfortable down here at the bottom of the league. It has allowed me to focus on my passions, like stimulating the economy and holding the good people in Samsung’s television department accountable for their 100,000-hour guarantee. It would be a nice confidence boost to win a game, which is why I have tasked our baker-in-residence to whip up some magic dinner rolls and help me make my dream come true.

Suh (2-4) at DPDM (3-3)
With both teams coming off Week 6 losses, this game is almost sure to yield some of the lowest scores of this week. The Friendless Fighters received some bad news this week when it was announced that Dallas Clark had come down with a case of Rangers Fever mutating his hand into a claw that will require season ending surgery to repair. This compounded with the “loss” of David Garrard puts RSR as clear underdogs to a Suh team that hopes new acquisition Donovan McNabb can provide the points that Brett Favre has not delivered this season.

Buehler (5-1) at Assholes (4-2)
The Assholes are favored in all but one player matchup this week, but I have a feeling that BEN has confidence in his team with or without the House of Spears. Buehler has been strong up to this point, but it looks like this is Kelly’s Week Off. He’s going to get rocked-Prehistoric Style!

Def Comedy Week 5 Preview

In honor of our friend Bernard’s move to New York City, I have selected a range of comedic performances for your viewing pleasures.

COCO (1-3) at Tayne (2-2)
COCO needs his offense to get rolling. Elisha is working a 2 game TD drought. Ochocinco hasn’t found the end zone since Week 1 and Ray Rice still has yet to score. Since starting the season with two impressive wins, Tayne has struggled in recent weeks. Things look promising this week as his offensive players have favorable matchups against weak Raider and Cardinal defenses.

Buehler (4-0) at DPDM (2-2)
After defeating the Assholes last weekend, SKC has the lead in the NFC. But with Run DMC benched against San Diego this week, the Friend-me-nots and Maurice Jones-Drew could pull an upset over the undefeated LSAT Preparatory Class Graduate.

Syndrome (0-4) at Suh (1-3)
A lot of attention was paid to BEN’s WR breakdown during MNF, but no one was surprised when Mike Sims-Walker and Legedu Naanee both delivered 0 point games Week 4. Now with Donald Driver on this team, JBF hopes the Syndrome will finally be able to put a tally in the win column. SKR has his top players going head to head in a Monday Night matchup where he hopes Brett Favre will be able to get the passing game going with his new toy.

Fellatio (0-4) at TOTO (3-1)
MMB comes into this matchup as 35-point favorites. After declaring a fire sale of his players, GMF failed to make any radical roster moves this week. Cutler has been lost to injury and unless Chris Johnson can finally get going against the Cowboys, it could be another slow week for Foxborough Fellatio.

Celery Men (4-0) at Assholes (3-1)
Coming off his brutal defeat at the hands of David Buehler’s Rejects, the newly relocated Nerdwell aims to level the playing field against ARB in this week’s headline matchup. The Celery Men are taking a chance this week by playing still unproven Chiefs players against a 2-2 Colts team with something to prove. This game looks to be one for the ages as BEN is currently favored only by his 5-point Home Field Advantage.

Silly Ochocinco, Cereals aren't for Phone Sex

The number on the boxes, 1-800-HELP-FTC, connects callers to a seductive-sounding woman's voice and music. She teases in shocking detail and then asks for a debit or credit card number: "You must be 18 or older to get into this party, baby!"

From Charles, "They have to get the right number 1-888-Help FTC. If you dial 800 you're on your own."

As a matter of fact, I am depressed

Two Weeks, Two Losses.

The Tayne scored more points this weekend (231) than The Syndrome has in two weeks (216.5).

Flacco lobbed up 4 INTs. I don't know if that's how the Deleware Blue Hens do things down in Division 1AA, but this is the NFL and you're supposed to bring it on Sundays. Hey Flacco, Bruce Gradkowski had a better game than you. Moving down the box score, I had another Wide Receiver give me a bagel. Somehow Devin Aromashodu, despite having no impact on the outcome of the Cowboys game, is the Chicago Bear I am most angry with this week.

So what should I do now? Do I freak out and pull the trigger on some lopsided trades? Scan the waiver wire for the next player poised for a breakout performance? Take one for the team and kamikaze Roy Williams' house? All of the above, but not necessarily in that order.

First, I have to take a little time for myself. It's times like this I remember that Kurt Warner used to be a grocery stockboy. If that were me, I would have blown my brains out. Then he was a quarterback in the arena league. Again, I would have killed myself, but I probably would have asphyxiated in the Kia I bought with my signing bonus. But look where he is now. Dancing With The Stars. With Bristol Palin, I'd still kill myself.

But I won't. I'll just take the advice of this little girl. AWAKEN IT!

The Jokes Write Themselves

Lesbian lawmaker in Utah carries baby for gay men

Rick Carlisle Talks Table Tennis

This clip has got it all. Soothing rhythm & blues opening, 360 view of Richard competing, off-race expert playing the sport, shameless ping-pong promotions, and a segment called "How Many Balls Can Rick Hold"



I'm gonna go videotape his refrigerator ... his shoes.