Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Week 1 Preview

Beneke (127) at Brooks (107)

Armed with nothing but his fantasy football draft magazine, Mark has taken the league by storm and hopes that he can ride his team to a mountain of green…or in his case gray. But not all of us can see the world in black and white. Brooks and his staff of expert Excel-ers have once again drafted a team of statistical monsters. This week one matchup is sure to set one player up for season-long success and the other back to the drawing board.

Greg (121) at Reed (103.5)

Greg was devastated this summer when he was injured and could not return to Vanderbilt to watch his team fight for position in the SEC East. Greg hopes to follow in the ‘Dores footsteps as they continue their quest for an undefeated season this week against the LSU Tigers in Death Valley.

Reed has a chance to be the Melanie Oudin of the league. This young newcomer hopes that by reuniting the running corps of the 2007 San Diego Chargers he can ride their successes to victory. He made a risky pick by choosing Brad Childress in the 12th Round, but this daring selection could be enough to put him over the top against Gregory and the Law Firm of Johnson, Johnson, Ocho nee Johnson, Jackson, Jackson, Julius, Jenkins, James, Jammer and Bironas, LLP.

Jeff (115) at Hill (103)

Hill goes into this season as the leading candidate for the “Al Davis Memorial Lifetime Achievement Award in What-The-Fuckage.”

I have been panicking because I need to reschedule everything on my DVR to accommodate the arrival of football season. I figured out if I record the 7PM “Real Housewives of Atlanta” then I can catch the 10PM “Project Runway” and still watch the Steelers-Titans game tomorrow. Sunday night is the dilemma now as Bears-Packers faces off against True Blood-Entourage.

Drew (97) at Stan (106.5)

It has been said that defense wins championships. Clearly Drew does not subscribe to this school of thought as he has no defensive players on his bench and Calvin Pace is serving a 4 game suspension. Lassiter may be one of those people who feel that the best defense is a good offense. If this is the case, the forecast is a little brighter. Tom Brady looks to be making a promising return from his injury and Andre Johnson will figure out how to turn 10 yard passes into 70 yard touchdowns no matter who is throwing the ball down in Houston. However, he does have star of “The T.O. Show,” Terrell Owens, and Marshawn “I wanna know where da gold at” Lynch, two players who have troubled pasts.

Stan went with Romo this year and for this reason I cannot come up with anything negative to say about him. Ha, he probably likes to read books and stuff. Congratulations Stan, you drafted yourself a “get out of ridicule free” card this season.

Shep (112.5) at Barry (124)

Really, Shepherd? You only have two quarterbacks? Yeah Roethlisberger may have two Lombardi Trophies, but the guy can’t even rape a woman the right way.

I guess it is appropriate then that Shepherd plays against Barry and Shawne Merriman this week. Even if Merriman had gone along with his plan of beating Tila Tequila before hacking her up and fleeing to Canada, Barry’s defense would still be anchored by DeMarcus Ware and Jared Allen. And once again, Barry has drafted Kurt Warner. In the past I thought Barry had sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for fantasy success, but it is now clear that he probably brokered a deal with Jesus to provide him winning seasons as long as he drafts Warner.

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