CABC 2011 Awards Gala

Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the Big House

CABC Creatures were stirring, including a lizard Reed named Carl Friedrich Gauss.

The awards were behind the table with care,

In hopes that St Fijolek soon would be there.

The CABC were nestled all snug in their chairs,

While visions of made-up awards danced in the air.

And Shepherd’s girlfriend in her red dress,

Attended the Gala, having no idea what was going on nonetheless.

When after dinner arose such a clatter,

As Jeff and Brooks, Drew and Barry delivered awards that didn’t matter.

Away to the Taintsman’s Box Stan flew like a flash,

Tore open the lid, and revealed a floppy blue scepter hiding in the cache.

As Beary received the silver trophy to close the awards show,

Mark and Stan flew their helicopters ‘til they came crashing down below.

Handed league-themed gifts as members drove out of sight,

The CABC closed a great season and a wonderful night.

Merry Christmas!

I can has playoff victory?

This man has over 100 million dollars.

I want to go to there.

I want to go to there, also.

Those donuts don't even look good.

CABC Gala in two days!

Whose neck be dat?

Slate has selected the NFL's wackiest necks, but I challenge you all to go forth and find mo better of thems.

The Only Relevant Parts of Streams' Multiple Self Posts

&

Congratulations to CABC 2011 Taintsman and O'Douls Connoisseur SKC as the Playoff & Consolation Round Point Champion

Airboats Lose

I tip my hat to you, ADL.

 I hope you represent the AFC with pride and defeat the dreaded BEN.

I don't need to remind you, but..

BEN must be stopped.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

A Message to the Airboats

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Merry Xmas Reeder

A Humble Offering from the Airboats

I offer up this collection of images and GIFs to the Fantasy Football Gods in the name of the Selfish Airboats.

Please guide my team to victory.

 

Godspeed Airboats. Godspeed.

Gibbons' Travels

CABC Takes Manhattan

POODIE TANG

First off, congratulations to all of you bungtards that are kicking off in the playoffs tonight.  Good luck and Tebow-speed.
Having been left out of the playoffs and playing only for pride these days, a significant amount of my time spent perusing the interwebs has been freed up.  Naturally, I filled the void by googling photos of ugly poodles.  Consider my best of the best an early Xmas present:

This is a football blog, right?

CABC 2011: CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW

GAME ON!!!!!!!!!

Just a Gangster, I Suppose

And I want my corners.

Sam Hurd ain't no suit wearing businessman.

PS: Hey Bears, how are your Cowboys pickups working of for you this season?

A Business Proposition

CABC

Soooooo, CP3 has officially left the Hornets.

I say we let the them fester for a bit, then get a few hundred bucks together and buy the team.

I'm thinking of an all CABC lineup and coaching staff would fit the Hornets nicely...

The Candyman Cometh

In honor of our own personal candyman, ADL, here's my favorite (and the definitive) video outlining Lamar's personal obsession...

And in honor of Streams' generally douchebaggery, here's an ad for ARB's favorite fragrance...



Now if you'll excuse me, while you gentlemen are "playing off," SKC, MMB, and I will be hanging out by RSR's garage door, discussing the advantages of skinny jeans.

Ohhhh You Bitch (UPDATE)

Dramatic Re-Enactment of the Event.

I called the local police today because I had been robbed. When I explained what happened, they told me that I hadn't technically been robbed and there was nothing they could do.

So I called the state police. Same response.

Then I called the FBI. I explained to them in great detail what happened, and they said they would look into it, but that I shouldn't get my hopes up.

With no place left to turn, I present my evidence to you:

RSR Performance; JBF/SKR Smackdown Review

Leaving the pristine lands of America to travel to the prettier, lawless* albeit darker America (stilled ruled by Britain?), Turks & Caicos, the Kittens left with a tiny bit of optimism.



Returning from T&C, I saw Streams' season-record point total of 240.5, not to mention some drunk self-appreciative-pleasure text from the Airboat himself.

KAZAKHSTANI MAYHEM

The carnage is best around the :26 mark.  Also great is how the parents/supporters are cheering afterwards.

Touchdowns and Photobombs

Aaron Rodgers is clearly great a three things: touchdown, banging Erin Andrews, and photo bombs. For More....

Peak Tebow

Tebow

Gentlemen, I've run the numbers, and I've got some troubling news.

Since his discovery in week 7, global Tebow production rates have risen sharply each week culminating in a mathematically-impossible overtime comeback against the Bears in week 14. Sadly, our sources for new Tebow production appear to be dwindling. Our main sources of Tebow, 4th quarter comebacks, overtime victories, and Christian proselytizing, have already reached an unsustainable level.

I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but I believe we've hit Peak Tebow.

Sure, some will dismiss this claim out of hand and loudly announce that Peak Tebow is football-traditionalist myth propitiated by the media to scare the Denver front office into drafting a quarterback in 2012. But where, pray tell, is there more Tebow to be had than what we saw in week 14?

Some will point you towards the Canadian Football Sands and tell you that there would be heaps of Tebow there, if only he would suit up. But the truth of the matter is this: the Canadian Football Sands would only produce an expensive to extract and hard to refine form of Tebow; an inferior Tebow.

Others will tell you that more Tebow can be extracted by "blacking", a potentially dangerous and environmentally unfriendly method of producing Tebow in which ESPN and other large corporations write various ill-advised "What if Tebow were [insert different Race/Religion]?"columns.

I think the only responsible policy moving forward is to focus on Alternative-Tebow technology like a strong running game, a solid defensive secondary, and turnover reduction.

Elvis Akpla

CABC 2011: WEEK 14 PREVIEW

Maybe Rick Perry can help us save Community

Fuck That Guy

While I had no problem if the shit stain that is CJ signed somewhere else this offseason, the Angels. Really, the fucking Angels. Fuck you CJ, fuck you. I'm going to enjoy watching you get pummeled by the Ranger bats 5 games a year. Someone like the glorious Derek Holland would never be such a dick.

See, he's even hanging out with that cheerleader that is dating David Nelson, probably already banged her. Kid's got game. I think he is on the same page as me on this one too.

Essentially, fuck you CJ Wilson, good riddance and this is my new favorite blog, after CABC of course.

http://www.cjwilsonisadouche.com/

Decoding The Playoffs

Three of the four teams competing for the CABC championship have already been determined.

Our three heroes scamper towards the playoffs.

ADL, ARB, and BEN are in.

We've had 13 weeks of football. You'd think we'd know who was in the playoffs. And yet here we are...

Three teams are fighting for the final spot: JBF, RSR, and SKR. Here are the NFC standings:

1. Ninja Vanish!, BEN - 11-2 OVR, Locked 1st place in NFC and playoff spot.

2. Kittens Riding Turtles, RSR,                   7-6 OVR, 3-5 DIV, 1968.5 PF

3. A Stabbin Dude With Raditude, JBF,  6-7 OVR, 3-4 DIV, 1956.5 PF

4. Baiters Gone 'Bait, SKR,                           6-7 OVR, 4-3 DIV, 1908.0 PF

5. Manning the Clipboard, SKC, Taintsman
 
With only one week left to play, these are the relevant games:

ARB at RSR

SKR at JBF

Who will Wishbone pick?

This thing is gonna end one of three ways:

Scenario 1: RSR defeats ARB. RSR finishes 8-6. SKR@JBF doesn't matter. RSR advances to playoffs.

Scenario 2: ARB defeats RSR. JBF defeats SKR. RSR and JBF both finish 7-7. RSR and JBF split their head to head games. JBF breaks tie with RSR by owning the stronger divisional record. JBF advances to playoffs.

Scenario 3: ARB defeats RSR. SKR defeats JBF. RSR and SKR both finish 7-7. SKR swept RSR in their head to head games. SKR breaks tie based on head to head wins over RSR. SKR advances to playoffs.

Best of luck to all involved.