Sunday, December 11, 2011

Peak Tebow

Gentlemen, I've run the numbers, and I've got some troubling news.

Since his discovery in week 7, global Tebow production rates have risen sharply each week culminating in a mathematically-impossible overtime comeback against the Bears in week 14. Sadly, our sources for new Tebow production appear to be dwindling. Our main sources of Tebow, 4th quarter comebacks, overtime victories, and Christian proselytizing, have already reached an unsustainable level.

I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but I believe we've hit Peak Tebow.

Sure, some will dismiss this claim out of hand and loudly announce that Peak Tebow is football-traditionalist myth propitiated by the media to scare the Denver front office into drafting a quarterback in 2012. But where, pray tell, is there more Tebow to be had than what we saw in week 14?

Some will point you towards the Canadian Football Sands and tell you that there would be heaps of Tebow there, if only he would suit up. But the truth of the matter is this: the Canadian Football Sands would only produce an expensive to extract and hard to refine form of Tebow; an inferior Tebow.

Others will tell you that more Tebow can be extracted by "blacking", a potentially dangerous and environmentally unfriendly method of producing Tebow in which ESPN and other large corporations write various ill-advised "What if Tebow were [insert different Race/Religion]?"columns.

I think the only responsible policy moving forward is to focus on Alternative-Tebow technology like a strong running game, a solid defensive secondary, and turnover reduction.

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