Oooh Chimpanzee That!

I know that this first and foremost is a site devoted to football, be it factual or fantastical, but at one point, we also cared about animals. There are happenings out in the world that I feel need to be brought to the attention of this league, its members, and fans.

Dolphin Tale opens at cinemas this weekend and while it is sure to finally put this Morgan Freeman fellow on the map, the film has me all worked up for all the wrong reasons. It is common knowledge that dolphins are one of only a handful of species that has recreational sex. You can call me a prude, but acrotomophilia has never been my thing. I know, I know, where’s my sense of adventure, right? I just DGAF (Don’t Give A Flipper for those unfamiliar with internet speech)!

Dolphin Tale Red Band Trailer

How is this story about a pansy-ass dolphin supposed to compete with The Lion King, the classic fable of a worry-free cub who just can’t wait to be ruler of the savannah? The answer is simple: Viral Marketing. The studio has had to amp up publicity leading up to the release of Dolphin Tale. In order to raise dolphin awareness, producers released a pod of killer swimmers into the wild, and they don’t even have lasers attached to their heads. Seriously, I just had to add “Porpicide” to my computers dictionary. Where were these badass dolphins when they were filming The Cove, bloodiest movie of the decade behind Battle Royale? And let’s be honest, the Japanese would go crazy for that shit, too.

The frightening thing is that this isn’t even the most bizarre animal tale of the week. In a freedom-crushing law that would make Ron Paul shit his brains, Switzerland forbids its citizens from owning just one animal if it is a social species. So what can ein do? Rent ein guinea pig, silly pänts. Just call Priska Küng, guinea pig breeder extraordinaire. However, this whole story is moot because who on earth could own just one of these adorable little rodents (See Appendices: A-L)?! Not to mention, they’re also delicious.