DJ Kitty RerererereREMIXZ

Off Like A Herd Of Turtles

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! It's the first trade of the year!

THE CELERY MEN send:

Tim Hightower, Ari RB 
Mike Tolbert, SD RB

FIRST DOWN SYNDROME send: 

Dez Bryant, Dal WR
Chad Greenway, Min LB

Two handcuff RBs traded for a WR project and a LB starter. Huzzah!

Week 3 Review: Witchcraft

All Hail BEN, our week 3 champion. [insert "black magic" joke here]

The Celery Men (3-0) over Cocks Out Crocs Out (0-3),  188 - 148.5

The Celery Men continue their win streak! ARB's boys have turned in a remarkably consistent 180+ points every week. On the other hand, COCO needs to overhaul his squad in order to halt a three game slide. ADL should give Ray Rice a pep talk, 11 points won't cut it.

DW Defriended Me (1-2) over First Down Syndrome (0-3), 170.5 - 120

Defriended Me is on the board! A lively performance Michael Vick led the team with 41.5 point effort. Don't count on a repeat performance though, Jacksonville may be the worst team in the league. JBF is still winless through week 3. He needs his team to get healthy soon, or Syndrome's season could be over by week 5.

T.O.'s Time Outs (2-1) over Nude Tayne (2-1), 170.5 - 125.5

MMB wins a crucial AFC division match-up over RER. With the win, MMB picks up a potential playoff tiebreaker.  It looks like three teams (ARB, MMB and RER) are going to be fighting for two playoff spots. Nude Tayne had an off day on what otherwise appears to be a strong team. T.O.'s Timeouts were buoyed by Brees' 38 points to a very healthy 170.5 points.

Assholes Finish 1st (3-0) over NomNomNom Suh (1-2), 210.5 - 152

Despite having our Week 3 MVP, Purple Jesus, turn in a monster 45.5 points, SKR was blown out by our Week 3 Champion BEN. Finish 1st had fantastic performances across the board, but Aaron Rodgers stood out with 31 points. Both teams in this game left points on the bench this week, but who would have guessed that Mark Sanchez or Anquan Boldin would actually deliver?

David Buehler's Day Off (3-0) over Foxborough Fellatio (0-3), 208.5 - 163.5

Here's a stat for you: through three weeks, GMF has 621 points against him, or an average points against of 207. Brutal. It's hard to blame him for being 0-3. SKC appears to be the class of the league: undefeated, most total points for, and a deep bench. Despite all of this, I'd like to remind everyone that Tomlinson has absolutely no business being good again.

Who ever said them A-rabs weren't funny

One of these days, I'm going to fuck your shit up. All of you remember that.

WHOOO COWBOYS.

This couple is campaigning for doggy-human marriage in California. They are also all hot about Roy E. Williams finally deciding to join the party.



What a smart dog. How does it put on such stylish clothes without thumbs?

MmmmmBoy...

Nice earrings. Very tasteful.

This young woman is so excited about the Cowboys win today that she's jumping up and down.

Catharsis

MIKE JENKINS

BOYS WIN!!! BOYS WIN!!! BOYS WIN!!!

Today is the day I will take the bull by the balls

Week 3 Previews

Buehler (2-0) at Fellatio (0-2)
It was clear last week that the Arizona Cardinals were missing Kurt Warner on the field last Sunday as they were thumped by the Snelling led Atlanta Falcons. It also made me think back to a simpler time when this blog meant something. I used to poke fun at Kurt Warner week after week. Then he decides not to play catch with Larry Fitzgerald anymore and goes out and gets himself of Phil Mickelson model moobs. Now it’s all just cat balls and penis wines. Well fear not friends! Kurt Warner is back and he’s bringing his messianic moves with him. I’m sure most of you all already caught his debut performance this past week on DWTS, but here it is for those of you who missed it.

Tayne (2-0) at TOTO (1-1)
“Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.”

Celery Men (2-0) at COCO (0-2)
The Celery Hombres could face decreased production from Tim Hightower this week as Beanie Wells is expected to return and take some of the carries against Oakland. ADL has been quietly watching the waiver wire as his team sits at 0-2. Goddammit, this GIF is making me dizzy. Is there any way to turn this damn thing off? MAKE IT STOP. It’s like meatspin, but shinier.

NomNomNom (1-1) at Assholes (2-0)
Ndamukong means “House of Spears” in Camaroonese. Bernard translates to “Get your weak ass defense out of here, white boy” in Spanish. These two offenses match up pretty evenly this week with Favre facing the Lions and McNabb playing the Rams. On the other side of the ball, SKR boasts Haloti Ngata, the fifth highest ranked D-Tackle! BEN has everyone else—Suh, Adrian Wilson, Polamalu, and LaMarr Woodley. Nerdwell wins by a country mile. That’s not a race joke.

DPDM (0-2) at Syndrome (0-2)
The marquee matchup of the week will likely be decided before Faith Hill starts singing on Sunday night. One of these winless teams will suck just a little less by the end of this game. It has been a long week for The Syndrome, switching out players via waivers and learning that Safety Tanard Jackson will be suspended until next season following his fourth failed drug test. It should have been expected though, because had the Syndrome’s GM done his research, he would have seen in Jackson’s medical history that he has a chronic case of Josh Howard Face.

Meet Anastasia

Name: Anastasia

Age: Unknown

Breed: Jack Russell Terrier

Likes: Amphetamines, Methamphetamines

Dislikes: Balloons

Notable: Anastasia popped 100 balloons in 53.7 seconds, the fastest time ever for a dog.

Are We Not Men?

Teddy Roosevelt is disappointed in you

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."  -Theodore Roosevelt


It has come to my attention that some of the members of this league are refusing all trades, sight unseen.

I cannot understand this.

If you're too afraid of looking foolish (or of being taken advantage of, or of being outsmarted) to make a trade, then you shouldn't be in this league.

There are four teams sitting at 2-0, and four teams sitting at 0-2. The winless teams are desperate and the undefeated teams have good players sitting on their benches. Mutually beneficial trades should occur.

I am not asking you to make a bad trades. I am asking you to consider the good ones.

mmm cat balls

For all things cat, check out our sister blog Miles To Go

Week 2 Review: And The Rich Get Richer!

 

Our Week 2 Champion: Nude Tayne

Week 2 is in the books! This week featured three games where undefeated teams beat winless teams. A few members of this league need to push the panic button this week. Do anything you can: trades, waiver pickups, bribes, physical violence, kidnapping, etc. Do what you have to do. Much like the Cowboys, if you go 0-3, you're pretty much finished.

The Celery Men (2-0) over T.O.'s Time Outs (1-1), 179.5 - 133.5

A strong defensive showing by The Celery Men this week, but with T.O.'s Time Outs only turning in a 133.5 points, it was hardly necessary. The Time Outs were plagued by lopsided victories which killed fantasy value. Look for MMB to have an improved showing in Week 3. ARB's bet that the Chief would be good this year looks half-right: they've won some games, but Cassel still sucks. (Oh, and I'd like to send out a nice little fuck you to Thomas Jones for taking carries away from Jamaal Charles. You fucked my last year, and now you're back for more. I hope you die in a boat explosion.)

NomNomNom Suh (1-1) over Crocs Out Cocks Out (0-2), 157 - 148.5

ADL continues to suffer the fate of all those who auto-draft: a weak defense. Even so, this game was surprisingly close. Cocks Out made a late push Sunday night, but in the end SKR managed to hold out. By the way, I don't care if LeSean McCoy does have four capital letters in his name. He has no business dropping 37 points on anyone. Brett Favre looks ready to die of old age, and his 1.5 point performance this weekend warmed my heart. Maybe those Wrangler jeans are impeding his mobility?

Nude Tayne (2-0) over Foxbourough Fellatio (0-2), 235 - 180

RER is our Week 2 Champion and his player, Jahvid Best, is our Week 2 MVP. This loss must be especially difficult for Fellatio to take, as he now has 412.5 points against him (by far the most in the league). Dropping 180 in Week 2 and still losing by 55 points is just brutal. Nude Tayne's starters looks on top of their game, but his bench looks dangerously thin. Any injuries to Tayne's starters could derail this budding juggernaut. (P.S.: It is considered rude for anyone replacing HRP to make the playoffs. Please respect his legacy and begin to tank in Week 3. Thank You, Management.)

David Buehler's Day Off (2-0) over First Down Syndrome (0-2), 169.5 - 126

JBL's best player, Matt Schaub, dropped 43.5 points this week and Syndrome still turned in the lowest score in the league. Time to go to DEFCON 1. I imagine that JBL is crying himself to sleep at night in his three-story luxury apartment which he shares with no one. Remember, JBL, Glee, red wine, and Ambien should never be mixed, even in small quantities. Down Syndromes moves this week will make or break his season. SKC turned in a very respectable 169.5 performance at home. Each of Day Off's players played well, but not great. Still, 169.5 is a good total to turn in on an off week.

Assholes Finish 1st (2-0) over DW Defriended Me (0-2), 174 - 171.5

In our best game of the week, BEN squeaked by RSR in a great game. BEN shrewdly benched his own coach heading into the late games to avoid any eventual negative points. Dallas Clark and the Colts almost upset Finish 1st late Sunday night though, combining for 34 points. Look for Defriended Me to reverse his losing trend in coming weeks now the Michael Vick has been named the full-time starter. As always, Finish 1st remains a strong competitor.

As a matter of fact, I am depressed

Two Weeks, Two Losses.

The Tayne scored more points this weekend (231) than The Syndrome has in two weeks (216.5).

Flacco lobbed up 4 INTs. I don't know if that's how the Deleware Blue Hens do things down in Division 1AA, but this is the NFL and you're supposed to bring it on Sundays. Hey Flacco, Bruce Gradkowski had a better game than you. Moving down the box score, I had another Wide Receiver give me a bagel. Somehow Devin Aromashodu, despite having no impact on the outcome of the Cowboys game, is the Chicago Bear I am most angry with this week.

So what should I do now? Do I freak out and pull the trigger on some lopsided trades? Scan the waiver wire for the next player poised for a breakout performance? Take one for the team and kamikaze Roy Williams' house? All of the above, but not necessarily in that order.

First, I have to take a little time for myself. It's times like this I remember that Kurt Warner used to be a grocery stockboy. If that were me, I would have blown my brains out. Then he was a quarterback in the arena league. Again, I would have killed myself, but I probably would have asphyxiated in the Kia I bought with my signing bonus. But look where he is now. Dancing With The Stars. With Bristol Palin, I'd still kill myself.

But I won't. I'll just take the advice of this little girl. AWAKEN IT!

To Those Who Love The Game

 My great day came and went, I do not know how.  Because it did not pass through dawn when it came, nor through dusk when it went. 

As I write this, men and women in labs across the country are studying the effects of multiple sub-concussive forces to the human brain. They're studying the brains of former boxers and football players.

Eventually, they will prove what we already suspect: getting hit in the head repeatedly causes chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a progressive neurological disorder. C.T.E. is ugly: it begins with behavioral and personality changes, followed by disinhibition and irritability, and then dementia.

Football has never been more popular than it is today, but the party's over.

Boxing will be the first to go. Medical professionals are already calling for a ban, and boxing is unlikely to put up much resistance. Fights will take place outside the US and appear on pay-per-view as usual. Revenue stream intact, boxing will soldier on.

Once boxing is banned, football's days are numbered. This is how it will go: if football can be shown to be similarly bad to boxing, and if boxing is banned, football should be banned too.

The NFL is already in full damage-control mode: concussions are enemy number one in the league. This public relations gambit is working beautifully now, but it won't last.

The problem is that chronic traumatic encephalopathy isn't just caused by concussions. C.T.E. is mostly caused by repeated sub-concussive forces. It's the jabs, not the hooks that get you.

The damage is caused every snap as linemen slam their heads together. Lineman and defensive lineman slamming heads together is an integral part of football. The game cannot exist without it. The game of football as we know it today will be banned in our lifetime.

We should cherish every down we have left. 

And so, for those who love the game, I want to help you love it more.

Presented Without Comment

Back in Blackface, or, Return of the Prodigious Son

And like a pack of Corgis, here comes Week 2!

Gang Tackle!

2010.2 Week Preview

Syndrome (0-1) at Buehler (1-0)

It’s a good thing I still have a small penis or last week’s effort would be really embarrassing. I’m used to having great expectations only to be brought back to reality courtesy of a right hook from Nerdwell. Week one Buehler had a tremendous showing and Syndrome’s team played like a bunch of lockjaw patients after a 4-month liquid diet. This matchup pits number 1 against number 10 but the scores this week are likely to meet more around number 5 as their teams enter their true season form.

If the syndrome have another poor showing,
they're going to have to start brown bagging on Sundays

NomNomNom (0-1) at CoCo (0-1)

The Abdominable Suhs played a great game week one only to lose thanks to a weak showing from Andre Johnson. This time against Team COCO, NomNomNom are favored in every category so it seems likely that they will be able to right the ship and get going the rest of the season.

Assholes (1-0) at DPDM (0-1)

The Asshole may look great on paper, but RSR made one roster move that will put him above all the rest this week. 6 feet and 220 pounds of left handed, bankrupt, certified dog killer. Mike Vick makes his triumphant return against the statistic inflating Detroit Lions. MIKE VICK BITCH!

Time Outs (1-0) at Celery Men (1-0)

The TOMB (as they will be referred to from hereon out) cruised last week thanks to Drew Brees and Arian Foster. TOMBs don’t carry much in the way of backups as they stand. This could end up being a problem in the coming weeks as Bye Weeks begin. The Celery Dudes turned in a solid performance week one, but things could be shaky as long as his wagon is hitched to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Tayne (1-0) at Fellatio (0-1)

Well, well, well. The Tayne has achieved in the first week what P.rot could barely do in a season. The Foxborough Blows on the other hand bit the sheets against The Celery Men last week and lost me $5. There is a saying though: As Chris Johnson goes, so goes the Fellatio. Favorite or underdog, don’t count out the Double F with or without Kevin Kolb.

Looking Back on my BDay

I love lobster rolls more than you love anything.

I ate a lobster roll before lunch today. I shot 82 on a championship course from the tournament tees. I had dinner at my favorite restaurant. I had Starbucks two times. I am currently drinking my favorite drink.

Sometimes the world is a fantastic place.

Ashburn, VA Stalker knows our Birthdays

Caption Contest 2010

Have at it folks. Especially if you are a reader from Ashburn, Virginia.

I just crunched some numbers in Excel...

And I determined that 92.432% of my photos are of ARB drinking or drunked. Attached are some of the most character-filled photos of the Captain of the HMS Fancy Boy.

I submit for your consideration:

That special day...

Penis wine? Teste-torching tournaments? Has CABC really deteriorated to conversations about finding ways to consume man-parts or could it be... is it possibly because... it's ARB's BIRTHDAY?!?

Here's to hoping your day is full of liquid dick, edible balls, and whatever is going on here...

Special thanks to SKC for use of his strong arm

Calling all cooks!

To continue the trend of edible and or potable genitalia, I bring to you coverage of the Ball Brawl Gonad Olympiad Fight for the Nutsack Plaque Duel of the Family Jewels World Testicle Cooking Championships.


My question is why would these guys go into the woods for a campout with a bunch of other guys who like to bbq balls? Catch you boners later, it's dinner time!

Business Idea!

Everyone knows that Taco is the number one importer/exporter of 3, 5, 7, and 9 Penis Wines, but who supplies the 4, 6, 8, and 10 Penis Wines?

Using Shepherd in place of Taco, we could monopolize the even numbered Penis Wines trade. In America, more is better. Why drink 3-Penis Wine when 4-Penis Wine is on the market?

The iPod of Jerry Jones

With the season now officially underway, we can look forward to 16 more weeks of regular season football. After that comes three weeks of playoff excitement followed by two weeks of Super Bowl XLV hype and coverage. Once that game kicks off, we must only wait through 30 minutes of football plus 40 minutes of commercials, 20 minutes of replays, and 1 minute and 42 seconds of the Star Spangled Banner yet waving until we reach the zenith of the evening. Officially, the halftime performer has not been announced, but following are a few acts that are likely to have been proposed to Jerry Jones.

Week 1 Review: Big Wins and Tough Losses

David Buehler's Day Off is our Week 1 Champion!

The Celery Men over Foxbourough Fellatio, 182.5 - 154

Despite huge efforts from both Zulu Cthulu (40 points) and The Incredible Sulk (35.5 points), Fellatio went down this week. Both teams put in fantastic efforts early, but Foxbourough Fellatio pulled up lame down the final stretch. Ryan Grant and Kevin Kolb were both injured. Grant is out for the season and Kolb looked shaky before his concussion. Michael Vick played well as Kolb’s replacement, but the Eagles are unlikely to name Vick the starter. (I just don’t think the Eagles will admit they were wrong about trading McNabb and starting Kolb.)

The Celery Men fought hard and eventually triumphed. Dreamboat and Mendenhall turned in the performances of note with 26 and 33.5 points respectively.

T.O.'s Time Outs over Cocks Out Crocs Out, 153.5 - 121.5

This game came down to one man: Arian Foster. He damn near dropped a fifty burger on the Colts this week. 33 rushes for 231 yards and 3 touchdowns for 49.5 points. Cocks Out Crocs Out's MVP, Chad Ochocinco, did his best with 25.5 points, but T.O.'s Time Outs and Arian Foster couldn't be stopped. I expect the week 12 rematch to be a much closer game.

Assholes Finish 1st over First Down Syndrome, 139 - 91.5

Wanna know how many points First Down Syndrome's offensive starters turned in this week? 39. A measly 39 points. There were four individual players who turned in more than 39 points this week. If JBF is serious about competing this year, then he needs to give his players a serious talking to.

Assholes Finish 1st turned in an uncharacteristically mediocre performance this week. Look for this team to ramp it up next week.

Nude Tayne over DP Defriended Me, 163.5 - 137

RER vanquished RSR in CABC's first brother against brother game of the season. Defense was the deciding factor in this game. RSR and RER's offenses finished within seven points of each other, but RER's defense turned in a monster game. Much to my dismay, Nude Tayne is emerging as a legitimate AFC playoff contender. DP Defriended Me doesn't need to worry too much though. This the lowest scoring opening week of football in five years. A rising tide lifts all ships.

David Buehler's Day Off over NomNomNom Suh, 184.5 - 175

SKC edged SKR in a barn burner. Peyton Manning dropped 51.5 points on his way to winning the game for David Buehler's Day off. Those 51.5 points are good enough to win Manning MVP of Week 1, and David Buehler's Day the points champion of Week 1. 

SKR and NomNomNom Suh didn't go down without a fight, though. Matt Forte racked up 41.5 points in the losing effort. Even though this is only Week 1, this division game will surely have playoff implications. SKC and SKR look like the class of the NFC. SKR needs to win the rubber match Week 10 in order to block SKC's playoff tiebreaker. 

Cowboys Stadium vs New Meadowlands Stadium: A Rational Comparison

Cowboys Stadium

VS.

New Meadowlands Stadium

The two newest NFL stadiums belong to NFC East rivals (and New Jersey's B-team).

Wouldn't it be nice if we had an unbiased discussion of the relative merits of the two stadiums?

GOGTFO

Inspired by Brooks' Celery Man Avatar I recently made the switch to the new-age '94 graphics interchange format as well, and I recommend the rest of CABC follow.

Here are some suggestions:

CABC POWER RANKINGS- WEEK 1

White to play. Can you spot the winning continuation?

Before you know what the right move is in any game, you have to know all your options. Now that the draft is over, the majority of the decisions any team manager makes will be lineup changes. Let's use this initial, post-draft look at lineup projections as a jumping off point for lineup changes in future weeks.

In descending order...

How to Read and Manage your Lineup Projections

Your team will look like this. Well, hopefully better than this.

This spreadsheet is the one that I'll be using all year to kick out lineups for our teams. The spreadsheet is fairly simple to use. On the left side of your player names there is a column titled "Starting". This is the only section of the spreadsheet you should be editing.

The positions are fairly self explanatory. Look in the yellow portion of the lineup box to see what the starting positions are labeled.

The entries under "Starting" in the first image produce this lineup box. Do not edit the lineup box.

Every position is the abbreviated slot name plus a position. For example: your quarterback is QB1, not QB (even though there is only one of them). Everything else should be taken care of.

As the season progresses, this is the format in which I'll be providing weekly projections for teams. Learn it. Love it.

When free agents are added to teams, I'll make the corresponding changes to the spreadsheet and have them out before the first game. Expect this to start about Week 4 (defensive projections are just inaccurate at this point to be meaningful).

I'm sending out the full preseason spreadsheet now.

Full roster commentary coming shortly.

2010 Week 1 Preview

Play Ball, Gentlemen.

Assholes (0-0) at Syndrome (0-0)

The 90’s had The Dallas Cowboys. The early 2000’s saw The New England Patriots rise to power. The second half of the decade, Bernard asserted his dominance by claiming 3 out of 4 CABC titles. A holdout throughout the offseason, BNew finally caved and again rejoined the league at the last minute hoping to pull off a two-peat repeat. In Rodgers and Moss, the Assholes have two position leaders anchoring their lineup. Boldin, Marshall and McNabb have all changed teams during the offseason and Burry will struggle if these big names do not perform as they have in the past. A strong defense and Ben Roethlisberger waiting in the wings make the Assholes and their asshole manager again the favorites entering the 2010 season.

Choosing to draft youth over experience, the Syndrome are swinging for the fences this season. Michael Crabtree may be entering his sophomore season, but he has just completed his first NFL offseason and training camp and his true impact for the Niners has yet to be seen. WAC standout Ryan Mathews hopes to be the man replacing LT and Sproles in Norv Turner’s offense. Whether these players can anchor the Syndrome to victory has yet to be seen.

Fellatio (0-0) at Celery (0-0)

Chris Johnson opens the season up against the Oakland Raiders. That’s about as deep as this matchup needs to go. Miles Austin shouldn’t disappoint following his new 6 year deal with the Dallas Cowboys.

The GM of the Celery Men was no doubt shitting himself at 5:30 this morning when Tom Brady said goodbye to his beautiful wife, walked out of his beautiful house, got into his beautiful car and crashed it into a telephone pole. I’m sure we can all find out what if anything is wrong with him by reading the Patriots’ weekly injury report.

Crocs Out (0-0) at TimeOuts (0-0)

This week’s closest game could also be called the Apathy Bowl. The man who wins is likely to participate for one more week while we probably won’t hear from the loser until next season. It seems likely that DLass is familiar with Calvin Johnson and Chad Ochocinco, but how the Home Run King learned about Arian Foster and Shonn Greene is unclear.

Buehler (0-0) at NomNomNom (0-0)

Kelly’s cursory review of a fantasy football guide from 2007 led him to the misguided drafting of LaDainian Tomlinson. It’s not my job to rip apart his draft day decisions; I just look at the matchups. I look this one and see that unless Peyton Manning puts up 80 and Favre has a stroke during his first series, it looks like King will take the week. However with the anchors of the NomNomNom team playing in the Thursday night matchup, Kelly may be able to make some roster moves to try and get the W if Older than Jesus and Purple Jesus underperform against the Saints.

DPDM (0-0) at Tayne (0-0)

There have been plenty of epic battles between brothers throughout history: Cain and Abel, Romulus and Remus, Damon and Marlon. I would like to extend a warm welcome to our newest member of the CABC family and I don’t think there is any better way for him to cut his teeth than against his real family. At the end of the day, you’ll probably both still hate one another.

2010 CABC TEAM PROJECTIONS

Projections can sometimes be like reading tomorrow's newspaper today.

Without further ado, here are your 2010 CABC Team Projections:

Every war begins with a first encounter, a first blow, a first casualty. This is the shot heard 'round the world... THE CABC DRAFT!!!

The Brooks-Cunningham War Library of Absolute Silence

...With the first pick in the CABC draft, SKC selects... 

Hermano is Spanish for Brother...

Before we get started and I carry on the 10th team's tradition of getting its ass handed to it week after week (Hill told me it was a strong tactic to draft players that tore their ACL three days before our draft--looking at you, Montario), I'd like to thank everyone for the opportunity to take part in what I--and some guy in Virginia--consider to be the finest fantasy football league in all the land.

After the addition of yours truly--along with Reed, Jeff, Greg, and Barry--there are now five brothers in the CABC. Below is a little video dedicated to brotherhood:

State of the League

My Esteemed Colleagues,

It is my unique pleasure to welcome you all to a new season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

First, I'd like to bid farewell to one of our league's oldest members, Mr. HRP. We were all saddened by his decision to divorce our league and run off with some younger, sexier league. We wish them the worst.

Second, I'd like to bid a warm welcome to our newest member, Mr. RER. Each of us has enjoyed having Mr. R The Younger as a member, and I suspect that the Brothers R. in total will exceed their sum individually.

Third, Week 11 of our regular season (Thanksgiving) is now Rivalry Week. Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King.

I hope this new scheduling wrinkle deepens the level of hatred and contempt between both parties in all games. I also (not so) secretly hope for at least one physical altercation over a fantasy football game this season.

The rules for scoring, playoff advancement, free agents, and trades are the same as last year. As a refresher, I've included the league format below:

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

I've finished the team projections, draft overview, and league draft summary spreadsheets. Look for those before game time tonight. Additionally, the Week 1 preview will be available at kickoff.

Before I sign off tonight, I'd like to leave you with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

I am twenty-three years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

Alex Brooks

Commissioner, Can't All Be Cowboys 

Twas The Night Before Kickoff...

Twas the night before Kickoff, and all through league

Not a player was stirring, not even George Teague;

The jerseys were hung by the TV with care,

In hopes that St. Goodell soon would be there...

Monday Night Football Week 0

Tonight, in the Fortress of Solitude, the finest gentlemen in the land will draft the 26 warriors (plus one kicker and one head coach) that will fight for them this year for the title of Can't All Be Cowboys Champion Extreme. Once again, the accounting firm of BHF & George conducted a random draw of owners and draft positions to determine the order.

The envelope please.

With the First Pick in the 2010 CABC Draft, Mr. S+an Cunningham.

The rest of the order is as follows.

2. BEN

3. MMB

4. GMF

5. SKR

6. ARB

7. RSR

8. ADL

9. JBF

10. RER

For those attending tonight's event please arrive at 7pm as the first pick will be at 7:30pm. Food and drank will be provided. BYO Computer. Entertainment for the evening will be supplied by the Boise State Broncos and Virginia Tech Hokies.

Please Note: No More than 3 Spreadsheets Per Person.

ps pls rsvp asap. I look forward to seeing you all this evening.

The Home Super Bowl

We beat those son of a bitch Saints last year. Put an asterisk by last year's Lombardi Trophy.

The Quest begins today. Home Super Bowl. Book It.