If Tom Brady Had a Comic

Champions Are Born, Not Made

The next quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys was conceived last night.

During Monday Night Football.

In Cowboys Stadium.

In a bathroom stall.

And there's video:

Via Deadspin

The Irvin jersey was an excellent choice.

FIRST PICK OF THE SEASON!

Mike Jenkins notches the first (or second) pick in Cowboys Stadium.

Taking all bets

Only this week's "Battle of the Bads" matchup of Barry and Beneke has been decided going into tonight's MNF Cowboys-Panthers game. Assuming Steve Smith doesn't have a 50 point night, Barry will take the W and start making his way up the NFC ladder.

Hill's lead over Greg has gone from 70 down to 25 and the Little Peg Leg Who Could has 4 players going tonight.

Jeffrey needs the fastest 40-year-old in the world to pull down 12 points to preserve his hopes at going undefeated this season.

A poor showing by Nick Folk could nullify last night's hard-fought battle between Reed and send the victory back to Brooks.

Though signs point to a Cunningham win, a 96 point Cowboys margin of victory quarterbacked by Jon Kitna would probably turn things back in Shepherd's direction.

SteelersAir: Now with 10% More Leg-room

Makes sexually assaulting casino employees more comfortable than ever.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Week 3 Preview

Reed (95) at Brooks (135)
Here lies Alexander Robert Brooks who passed just days after his 23rd birthday after attending the Dallas Cowboys' opening game at their new stadium, a loss to the New York Football Giants. Downing round after round of Crown and Cokes purchased for him by sketchy Mexican "businessmen," Brooks left the game in a funk. He passed a large black gentleman and was suddenly overcome by the urge to give him a bear hug. And that is the story about the day Larry Allen ate Alex Brooks.
On the opposite end of the spectrum from Mark and Barry is this battle of the unbeatens featuring Reed and Brooks. Following his last minute victory over Mark, Reed well need Fred Jackson to fall short of his 33 projected points in order to defeat Brooks.

Jeff (114) at Drew (89.5)
Despite a monster game from Frank Gore, Drew has not been able to come away with a win yet. The fact that his Defense is more beat up than a bunch of hemophiliac tweens trying to get to the front row of a Jonas Brothers concert means Tom Brady will need step up and lead his Offense to victory.
Fantasy football is like Training Day. I'm the naive little white guy and Barry is the black sensei. He taught me everything I know, and then I threw him to the Russians. In the end, Barry is going to tank his season, blame it on me, and win the Oscar. I bet he wants to bang Macy Gray, too.



Shepherd (113.5) at Stan (115)
Stan is in for another close game this week against Shepherd. Shep's victories have come against weak opponents, so this matchup is sure to bring him down a peg.
This is becoming a serious problem because it is week 3 and I still can't think of stuff to make fun of Stan about. Please forgive me and accept this clip from the funniest show on television as a stand in for me.


Greg (107.5) at Hill (93.5)
I'm a Google guy. I tried using bing, but when I did a search for "worst fantasy team ever," Hill's Butkus didn't show up. Now I'm convinced that Hill doesn't really care about this league which makes facing off against him like having a bye week. Congratulations Greg, Bye!

Mark (117) at Barry (98)
Week three will usher in a new era as one of these winless teams will finally be able to tally a victory and leave the other in an even deeper hole. Barry controls a team that has not reached its potential because of injuries while Mark's roster does not brag many top 20 performers other than Vincent Jackson and Tony Gonzalez. In fact, Mark knows that his team is weak. He made me an interesting offer earlier suggesting that we wager our players on a game of NCAA10. I declined because it would be like trading Mewtwo for a Wurmple, and only Hill is foolish enough to make that deal.

What the fuck is home field advantage?

After reviewing the beautiful games this weekend (baha Marcus and Burry), I noticed Jeff won by "home field" advantage's +5pnt. WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT?

This is the internetz, not Ho Chi Minh City. I don't care where Stan is. I know he's not in Arizona. TRUMP CARD.

Yay!

Week 2 Preview

Brooks (104) at Drew (107)
Brooks has a PhD in Excel and this season of fantasy has spawned a new interest in photo and video editing. I think I speak for us all when I say that we cannot wait for the new Brooks Lee Joint.

Drew made a post in the wrong place last week proclaiming that he had an erection from the start of football season. I have not heard from him since then, so I can only assume that he is suffering from a priapism and should call a medical professional.

If Lassiter wants to beat Brooks this week, he is going to need a lot of support from his WR duo of Terrell Owens and Andre Johnson.

Reed (116) at Mark (101.5)
I have serious doubts that either one of these guys will set up their rosters before game time. If Reed doesn't move LT from the starting lineup, it could be a long afternoon watching Sproles have a big day on the bench. I'm really not sure if Mark has figured out what his password is to make any adjustments to his team. It is my opinion that the Beneke family is cursed after his brother Brian made disparaging remarks about the Dallas Cowboys.

Stan (120.5) at Jeff (125)
The two division leaders face off this week. After huge performances from both of their star QBs, this match-up is sure to start a new rivalry. It is sure to be a tight game as both Romo and Brees face off against tough NFC East defenses. If anyone can give me occasional Emmy updates tomorrow it would be appreciated as I will be at the grand opening of the Church of Jerral Jones.

Hill (99) at Shep (105.5)
As we come up on the one year anniversary of Matt Millen's firing in Detroit, it is nice to see that Hill is trying to follow in his footsteps by making as many poor managerial decisions as possible. But he's probably right--the Carson Palmer who threw 2 interceptions against the Broncos won't be the same as the one who takes the field this weekend against a Green Bay defense that had 4 picks last week.

Shepherd is counting on Trent Edwards to go big against a Tampa team that couldn't stop the Dallas passing game. Robinson picked up some sort of fantasy version of ESP while on one of his many vision quests in the middle of nowhere. Not only did half of the Madden Curse already come true, but soon after selecting a name for his team, it's namesake went down with a mysterious mcrib injury. When Michael Crabtree finally signs week 6 and goes on to break every single season receiving record, we're all going to look like idiots.

Barry (120) at Greg (96)
As Greg limps into this week two matchup, he hopes that his star player, Rob Bironas, can correct his mistakes and lead him to victory.

Barry hopes to right the ship after his week one loss to Shepherd. Sunday against the Niners, it appeared that Kurt Warner's luck had finally run out. Barry and his pal, Jesus, are praying that old Warner has a great game in Jacksonville. By the way, Barry, Bob Sanders is out against Miami this week.

NFL Week 1.5 Report

Jump on over to BryanJoiner.com and check out his week 1.5 report. Send him your support because he is a balding 31 year old slumming it in Brooklyn.

NIKE SPORT REMIXES?

“To pump up athletes before the game, Nike partners Island Def Jam, Universal Motown, and Interscope Records remixed some of today’s biggest hip-hop tracks with our elite NFL players to create Game Day Remixes. Every Thursday, the songs will be available for limited download on www.nikefootball.com and its available on www.itunes.com. Songs will include “Always Strapped (Nike Sport Remix)” featuring Birdman, Lil Wayne and Adrian Peterson, and “Ain’t I (Nike Sport Remix)” featuring Yung LA, T.I., Young Dro and Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson plus more to come.”

Who Needs A Running Back?

 
I have 5 starting running backs and Chris Wells. Wells is currently listed as 2nd on the depth chart, but ESPN has this to say, "Though it appeared all preseason as if Tim Hightower would be the winner of this job, Ken Whisenhunt hinted in the early days of September that "Beanie" might yet earn the Week 1 start. It'd make sense; Wells brings more to the table for this team."

Thomas Jones
Ronnie Brown
Knowshawn Moreno
Sammy Morris
Fred Jackson
Chris Wells

I'm fielding all offers, but I'd prefer a WR.

So when your running back goes down in week 1, you know who to come to.

ESPN Trading Block

MADDEN!!!

 

Madden allowed Polamalu an incredible first half, and Polamalu may even have believed that he escaped The Curse. But then...

 

BOOM, knee injury! Classic Madden!

 

Larry Fitzgerald doesn't play until Sunday afternoon, I hope Madden allows him to remain ambulatory until then. 

 

PS: Shep, you drafted both Fitzy (2nd pick, 12th overall) and Polamalu (14th pick, 132 overall) and have both of these players on your team? What were you thinking? Have you lost respect for The Old Gods?

...And the winner of the 1st Annual Ragu Eating Contest is...

Week 1 Preview

Beneke (127) at Brooks (107)

Armed with nothing but his fantasy football draft magazine, Mark has taken the league by storm and hopes that he can ride his team to a mountain of green…or in his case gray. But not all of us can see the world in black and white. Brooks and his staff of expert Excel-ers have once again drafted a team of statistical monsters. This week one matchup is sure to set one player up for season-long success and the other back to the drawing board.

Greg (121) at Reed (103.5)

Greg was devastated this summer when he was injured and could not return to Vanderbilt to watch his team fight for position in the SEC East. Greg hopes to follow in the ‘Dores footsteps as they continue their quest for an undefeated season this week against the LSU Tigers in Death Valley.

Reed has a chance to be the Melanie Oudin of the league. This young newcomer hopes that by reuniting the running corps of the 2007 San Diego Chargers he can ride their successes to victory. He made a risky pick by choosing Brad Childress in the 12th Round, but this daring selection could be enough to put him over the top against Gregory and the Law Firm of Johnson, Johnson, Ocho nee Johnson, Jackson, Jackson, Julius, Jenkins, James, Jammer and Bironas, LLP.

Jeff (115) at Hill (103)

Hill goes into this season as the leading candidate for the “Al Davis Memorial Lifetime Achievement Award in What-The-Fuckage.”

I have been panicking because I need to reschedule everything on my DVR to accommodate the arrival of football season. I figured out if I record the 7PM “Real Housewives of Atlanta” then I can catch the 10PM “Project Runway” and still watch the Steelers-Titans game tomorrow. Sunday night is the dilemma now as Bears-Packers faces off against True Blood-Entourage.

Drew (97) at Stan (106.5)

It has been said that defense wins championships. Clearly Drew does not subscribe to this school of thought as he has no defensive players on his bench and Calvin Pace is serving a 4 game suspension. Lassiter may be one of those people who feel that the best defense is a good offense. If this is the case, the forecast is a little brighter. Tom Brady looks to be making a promising return from his injury and Andre Johnson will figure out how to turn 10 yard passes into 70 yard touchdowns no matter who is throwing the ball down in Houston. However, he does have star of “The T.O. Show,” Terrell Owens, and Marshawn “I wanna know where da gold at” Lynch, two players who have troubled pasts.

Stan went with Romo this year and for this reason I cannot come up with anything negative to say about him. Ha, he probably likes to read books and stuff. Congratulations Stan, you drafted yourself a “get out of ridicule free” card this season.

Shep (112.5) at Barry (124)

Really, Shepherd? You only have two quarterbacks? Yeah Roethlisberger may have two Lombardi Trophies, but the guy can’t even rape a woman the right way.

I guess it is appropriate then that Shepherd plays against Barry and Shawne Merriman this week. Even if Merriman had gone along with his plan of beating Tila Tequila before hacking her up and fleeing to Canada, Barry’s defense would still be anchored by DeMarcus Ware and Jared Allen. And once again, Barry has drafted Kurt Warner. In the past I thought Barry had sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for fantasy success, but it is now clear that he probably brokered a deal with Jesus to provide him winning seasons as long as he drafts Warner.

Per Our Discussion Yesterday...

This question has been weighing heavily on my mind. Indeed now, I fear if the question is left unanswered that I will be driven to madness. I fear the fate of Boris Godunov would be my own: the slow death of a haunted man.

For my part, I am blameless for this disease upon me, and it is for this reason that I am hesitant to pass it on to you. For it is my intent that you too are ensnared by the desire to truly know. My hesitation lessens when I consider you individually. For each of you have sin enough to deserve this, and some few among you posses the fortitude to find the answer.

But first... The Question:

How many Meatball Subs* could you eat if you had a gun to your head?

*For the purposes laid out here, 1 Meatball Sub is defined as a foot-long Meatball Marinara sandwich from Subway on white bread with eight meatballs, one spoonful extra sauce, and four triangles of American cheese. ".5" Meatball subs is defined as one side of the above, where it was cut by the Subway Sandwich Artist making your sandwich. Instructions to have the sandwich cut lopsided are forbidden, but if the mouth breather making your sandwich cuts it 70/30, eating the "30" would count as ".5". Having your sandwiches toasted or microwaved, or placing any additional topping(s) or dressing(s) is left to personal preference.

Fairly or not, I place the blame for this question squarely on the shoulders of Stan Cunningham.  Let me tell you a story:

Many years ago, in an ice-filled paradise, a band of fresh faced youngsters were in a van from Vail to Denver. There were three of them: Mark, Stan and Alex. Times were good! The driver of the van had provided hours of comedy by completing the following circuit:

Step 1: Start with a clean windshield, then drive.
Step 2: When windshield gets a speck of mud or debris on it, use the windshield sprayer, which freezes immediately.

Step 3: Once the windshield has a thick layer of frozen windshield spray on it, pull over and clean the windshield

Every time the windshield was clean again, a bet would begin as to whether or not she would use the sprayer. Mark, who always believed the best in people, bet confidently: "I, MARK, of the House of Beneke, do lay a wager of one gold piece that the wench piloting our carriage has learned her lesson well enough! There is no way a human person, even one of questionable lineage, could lack the mental faculties to realize that any spray on the windshield will freeze!" Stan, who believed humans to be creatures of habit, retorted: "A fine bet, Sir Beneke! And I will take it! For I, STAN, of the House of Cunningham, believe the wench will indeed spray again! For it is not due to lack of intellect that the wench sprays, but rather she sprays because she has no choice! She, like many women, has been conditioned to respond with seeing dirt on the windshield by using the sprayer!"Alex, who believed the sprayer was nearly empty, sung out: "Great bets both! This round will surely be a good one! But I lay a wager of my own: I, ALEX, of the House of Brooks, do lay a wager of five gold pieces that the windshield will not freeze again! But, I make no predictive claims as to spraying!"  ...And so it went for many miles.

At the halfway point in our journey, Stan went into the gas station and purchased meatball subs with banana peppers for all three. Short work was made of the sandwiches, and with the bets about the sprayer continuing on, a new line of betting was discussed. "I, STAN, of the House of Cunningham, posit this question: HOW MANY MEATBALL SUBS COULD A MAN EAT?"

And that's how I remember it, word for word.

In more recent memory, I received a few estimates, presented from low to high: 
Jeff: "1, but that sounds like a blogpost" 
Barry: "2. 2.5 Max"
Stan: "Like 4 maybe 4.5. The thing about meatballs is they taste better the more you eat."
Mark: "I'm thinking 5"
The Guy in line in front of me at Subway: "I've eaten 3 before because I was hungry. I could do 8 with a gun to my head."


No answer here is wrong, because it only goes to show how well each man knows himself. 


I know that none of you read DealBreaker, but they often cover eating challenges in the financial sector. The majority of the challenges are Vending Machine Challenges, which involves eating one of every item in a vending machine in an hour or from market open to market close. These are some examples.  They've never had a meatball sub challenge, but this one was close. Eating meatballs is a hell of a lot different than eating turkey and swiss though. Meatballs are a game changer. 

And so I'm going to define the game:

How many meatball subs (as defined above) can you eat in 1 hour? You can drink whatever liquids you want, but you can't puke or take a shit during that hour.  You can puke the very second the hour is over, with everything that passes your lips being counted as "eaten". This challenge is only for the members of our fantasy football league, so I don't want to hear about any Vandy SigChi's named "Snowplow" that "totally ate 7, dude" or any Princeton eating club members named "Huntington" that "literally ate 10 and then passed the bar exam".  Please respond to this post with a short post of your own that gives the number of meatball subs you can eat as well as a discussion as to why you settled at that number. You should be as honest as you can, while not giving yourself too little credit. I have an idea for a game that I think you will all like, but accurate estimates are necessary. Once all the estimates are in, I'll post the rules

Google Analytics Creates a Mystery!

Time to pull out your pipes and put on your mystery solving hats: Google Analytics has given us a whopper.

In perusing the various stats available about this little blog of ours, I came upon a neat little map that shows where the traffic is physically coming from. For the most part, it was what I expected to see. Mostly traffic from Texas, but with a significant number of hits coming from Arizona (Jeff) and Louisiana (Me, The Lovely Ms. Bigler, and The Enchanting Ms. Rush). I also expected a few randoms, which we also see here.

Alas, I must confess that I had also secretly hoped, but not really expected that the blog had been found and dearly loved by some anonymous and unrelated fans of our fantasy league. And it has!

Ladies and Gentlement, I give you Ashburn, VA!

















Wait, what?!?!?

VIRGINIA!?!?!?

They fucking love us in Virginia. 26 unique, returning readers. More than even from Dallas. Let me and Wikipedia tell you a little more about Ashburn, VA, the biggest secret fan of our blog:

Ashburn was originally called Farmwell (variant names include Old Farmwell and Farmwell Station) after a nearby mansion of that name owned by George Lee III. The name Farmwell first appeared in George Lee's October 1802 will and was used to describe the 1,236 acre (5.0 km²) plantation he inherited from his father, Thomas Ludwell Lee II. A section of Farmwell plantation west of Ashburn Road, a 580 acre (2.3 km²) tract, was purchased in 1841 by lawyer and almost vice-president John Janney, a Quaker, as a summer home. John Janney called the property Ashburn Farm (first known written use is 1870 when he sold the property). It is likely he named the farm after family friends named Ashburn.[1] In 1895, Ashburn Farm was purchased by Senator William Morris Stewart. Local legend has it that the village, known until then as Farmwell or Farmwell Station, got its new name after lightning struck an ash tree on Senator Stewart's farm in 1896. The ash tree is rumored to have burned and smoldered for a week and attracted spectators from miles around. Since the Post Office had been pressing for a new name for the village (to avoid confusion with Farmville in Prince Edward County, Virginia), and the Senator was the area's leading citizen, the villagers renamed the village after the burning ash tree.[1] Ashburn was also the vacation destination of many Presidents, like Woodrow Wilson, as well as many of Washington's other politicians. They would take the only Washington and Old Dominion Railroad line out to Ashburn, which contained some upscale hotels and restaurants. Most of these hotels and restaurants have long since been destroyed or dismantled, but a few can still be seen along the main street of Ashburn Road.

Sounds charming! This seems too good to be true! And I'm sorry to say that it is. Because in doing a little more digging into the seemingly lovely Ashburn, VA, a shocking and horrible truth became apparent:

"Redskins Park", the headquarters for the Washington Redskins football team of the National Football League, is located in Ashburn.

Mother of God.

I first thought this could be a coincidence, or maybe just one randomly placed person who clicked "refresh" a million times on the blog, but no. The image you see isn't all traffic, but only unique, returning users. So if one person hit refresh a million times, it would only be counted as a tiny circle, instead, we have 26 unique visitors from Ashburn who have since returned multiple times and even viewed specific blog posts (you can check traffic to all posts individually, instead of just the front page). I thought maybe that one of us was being counted as being from Ashburn, VA because Verizon Business has its headquarters there, but the IP addresses are Ashburn local. So I went and tracked each of us down by usage area. For instance, I'm pretty sure Jeff is reading the blog from 3 different IP addresses. We're all accounted for, and some of you don't even bother to check the site once a day you fat drunk lazy worthless fucking assholes.

It appears that our blog in fact has interested readership from the Heart of Redskin territory. It now seems possible that Jim Zorn or Dan Snyder himself is a reader of this blog. I can only hope that they come forward. But until then, the mystery remains:

WHO ARE YOU, READERS FROM ASHBURN, VA?!?!?!?!?

Moratorium on Fantasy Names

There have been a few posts on this blog relating to potential fantasy team names, but it concerns me that 5.5* league members have not christened their franchises. The season starts in less than a week and I find this unacceptable. I am aware that certain participants wish they were in fact superstar athletes like LeBron James, but The Shepherd Robinsons just doesn't have that intimidating ring to it. I ask all of you to rectify this situation soon.

*.5 attributed to Mark Beneke because I only respect him as half a person. By the way Mark, ...Beneke is a stupid team name. Why don't you come up with something clever while you have the day off from work on Monday?

Adrian Peterson Goes Duck Hunting

Forbes Franchise Rankings

Don't get me wrong, he's a former NFL Europe MVP and one-time Comeback Player of the Year, but since when is Jon Kitna the face of the franchise?

Skeet Skeet

I know Joe Montana and you sir are no Joe Montana

Dallas Cowboys 4th-string QB ready to answer call

As someone who was forced to suffer through every game that Rudy Carpenter played with the Arizona State Sun Devils, it makes me sick to know that Jerry Jones has put money in his pocket. It took me time to deal with the fact that he was a practice player, but now I am having to come to terms with the reality that for one preseason game, Carpenter will be the face of the team I love. And I can guarantee that the quarterback who will take the field Friday will not be "Rudy The Carpenter" of 2007. Back then he was the stuff of legend, making throws and nailing hoes despite being sacked 54 times. The following year, Rudy returned for his senior season however his playing style resembled that of his cokehead predecessor, Sam Keller. Keller now works at unpopular Scottsdale clubs and waits for his lawsuit against EA to be dismissed. I can only hope Rudy Carpenter joins him soon.

Yeah, that's a drug deal.

Osi Umenyiora: Not a Rain Player

Look at those big asses. Revel in those big asses. I assert that when those things jiggle the earth's polar winds shift just a teensy bit. I don't know what one calls motorboating an ass like that, but if I had to wager a guess, it would be Snorkelblimping. And I guaran-god-damn-tee you that Osi Umenyiora has gone down that treacherous road a time or two.
Now I do trust that we all hate the Giants. After all, our fantasy leagues' name is a testament to God's Team, America's Team, and Mexican drug kingpin Osiel Cardenas Guillen's team. I'll further my conjecture by asserting that any dissention in an NFC East rival's locker room is good news to any Cowboys fan.
...Okay, so Osi Umenyiora walking out of the locker room is old news... its over and done with. But the cupcake has been injured for a year. Dudes been sitting on his $14 mil guaranteed eating twinkies and snorkelblimping jell-o asses for like 18 months now. What does he have to bitch about? Bill Sheridan must have really gone off on that D-line. Whatever. I want pac man back. Or at least Greg Ellis

Team Names: I'm A Man, I'm Forte!

Hopefully you can choose a team name that accurately reflects one or more of your players:

• Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe
• The Boldin The Beautiful
• Farve Dollar Footlong
• Yellow Polka Dot Mangini
• Corn on the Schaub
• Burressted Development
• WD-Forte
• Flacco Seagulls
• I Make It Wayne
  
• Orton Hears a Who
• Ginn and Juice
• Brees Nuts
• Mendenhally Retarded
• Justin Gaged
• The Fast and The Jerious
• Travis Henry is My Dad
• Armed Schaubbery
• Turner & Housh
• Forte Oz's to Freedom
• Casselblanca
• Ancient Hestery
• The Dwayne Bowe Connection
• Mary-Kate and Ashley Colston
• Bottlenose Portis
• Jack's Son, Steven

I'm in love with some of these.

That's a Bingo

PacMan hopes to pull a Ricky Williams in Canada, eh