Sunday, September 6, 2009

Per Our Discussion Yesterday...

This question has been weighing heavily on my mind. Indeed now, I fear if the question is left unanswered that I will be driven to madness. I fear the fate of Boris Godunov would be my own: the slow death of a haunted man.

For my part, I am blameless for this disease upon me, and it is for this reason that I am hesitant to pass it on to you. For it is my intent that you too are ensnared by the desire to truly know. My hesitation lessens when I consider you individually. For each of you have sin enough to deserve this, and some few among you posses the fortitude to find the answer.

But first... The Question:

How many Meatball Subs* could you eat if you had a gun to your head?

*For the purposes laid out here, 1 Meatball Sub is defined as a foot-long Meatball Marinara sandwich from Subway on white bread with eight meatballs, one spoonful extra sauce, and four triangles of American cheese. ".5" Meatball subs is defined as one side of the above, where it was cut by the Subway Sandwich Artist making your sandwich. Instructions to have the sandwich cut lopsided are forbidden, but if the mouth breather making your sandwich cuts it 70/30, eating the "30" would count as ".5". Having your sandwiches toasted or microwaved, or placing any additional topping(s) or dressing(s) is left to personal preference.

Fairly or not, I place the blame for this question squarely on the shoulders of Stan Cunningham.  Let me tell you a story:

Many years ago, in an ice-filled paradise, a band of fresh faced youngsters were in a van from Vail to Denver. There were three of them: Mark, Stan and Alex. Times were good! The driver of the van had provided hours of comedy by completing the following circuit:

Step 1: Start with a clean windshield, then drive.
Step 2: When windshield gets a speck of mud or debris on it, use the windshield sprayer, which freezes immediately.

Step 3: Once the windshield has a thick layer of frozen windshield spray on it, pull over and clean the windshield

Every time the windshield was clean again, a bet would begin as to whether or not she would use the sprayer. Mark, who always believed the best in people, bet confidently: "I, MARK, of the House of Beneke, do lay a wager of one gold piece that the wench piloting our carriage has learned her lesson well enough! There is no way a human person, even one of questionable lineage, could lack the mental faculties to realize that any spray on the windshield will freeze!" Stan, who believed humans to be creatures of habit, retorted: "A fine bet, Sir Beneke! And I will take it! For I, STAN, of the House of Cunningham, believe the wench will indeed spray again! For it is not due to lack of intellect that the wench sprays, but rather she sprays because she has no choice! She, like many women, has been conditioned to respond with seeing dirt on the windshield by using the sprayer!"Alex, who believed the sprayer was nearly empty, sung out: "Great bets both! This round will surely be a good one! But I lay a wager of my own: I, ALEX, of the House of Brooks, do lay a wager of five gold pieces that the windshield will not freeze again! But, I make no predictive claims as to spraying!"  ...And so it went for many miles.

At the halfway point in our journey, Stan went into the gas station and purchased meatball subs with banana peppers for all three. Short work was made of the sandwiches, and with the bets about the sprayer continuing on, a new line of betting was discussed. "I, STAN, of the House of Cunningham, posit this question: HOW MANY MEATBALL SUBS COULD A MAN EAT?"

And that's how I remember it, word for word.

In more recent memory, I received a few estimates, presented from low to high: 
Jeff: "1, but that sounds like a blogpost" 
Barry: "2. 2.5 Max"
Stan: "Like 4 maybe 4.5. The thing about meatballs is they taste better the more you eat."
Mark: "I'm thinking 5"
The Guy in line in front of me at Subway: "I've eaten 3 before because I was hungry. I could do 8 with a gun to my head."

No answer here is wrong, because it only goes to show how well each man knows himself. 

I know that none of you read DealBreaker, but they often cover eating challenges in the financial sector. The majority of the challenges are Vending Machine Challenges, which involves eating one of every item in a vending machine in an hour or from market open to market close. These are some examples.  They've never had a meatball sub challenge, but this one was close. Eating meatballs is a hell of a lot different than eating turkey and swiss though. Meatballs are a game changer. 

And so I'm going to define the game:

How many meatball subs (as defined above) can you eat in 1 hour? You can drink whatever liquids you want, but you can't puke or take a shit during that hour.  You can puke the very second the hour is over, with everything that passes your lips being counted as "eaten". This challenge is only for the members of our fantasy football league, so I don't want to hear about any Vandy SigChi's named "Snowplow" that "totally ate 7, dude" or any Princeton eating club members named "Huntington" that "literally ate 10 and then passed the bar exam".  Please respond to this post with a short post of your own that gives the number of meatball subs you can eat as well as a discussion as to why you settled at that number. You should be as honest as you can, while not giving yourself too little credit. I have an idea for a game that I think you will all like, but accurate estimates are necessary. Once all the estimates are in, I'll post the rules

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