The Average American Male is 5'10" and Weighs 191 Pounds

The Red Zone Channel constantly cuts from game to game so that viewers see action from all the teams.  I was watching the RZC this Sunday when the following occurred:
In Game A, an untouched runner gained about five yards and a first down. One Game A announcer joked to the other, “Even you could have made that first down, [old, fat announcer]!” RZC then cuts away to Game B. In Game B, a defender runs untouched and sacks the quarterback. This leads one game B announcer to joke to the other, “Even you could have made that sack, [old, fat announcer]!”
We’ve all heard announcers talk about receivers so open that even they could have made the throw. But, I never really considered what they were saying before I heard two announcers use virtually the same line independently and in sequence.

This fortuitous juxtaposition has led me to consider which, if any, NFL plays the average American male could make. Obviously, if literally all the defenders were blocked, any one of us could run five yards with a football, but let us remove the trivial cases.

For your perusal, here are 16 scenarios and players to run them against:

Offense
•    Pass Block against Demarcus Ware
•    Run Block against Albert Haynesworth
•    Power Run against Ray Lewis
•    Finesse/Speed Run against Troy Polamalu
•    Short Throw against Champ Bailey  (with your NFL receiver of choice)
•    Long Throw against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper
•    Short Catch against Champ Bailey (with your NFL quarterback of choice)
•    Long Catch against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper

Defense
•    Pass Rush against Joe Thomas
•    Run Blitz against Leonard Davis
•    Interior Run Tackle against Marion Barber
•    Exterior Run Tackle against Adrian Peterson
•    Short Pass Coverage against Brandon Marshal and Kyle Orton
•    Long Pass Coverage against Randy Moss and Tom Brady
•    Safety Run Support against Darren Sproles (a run into the secondary)
•    Safety Pass Support against Randy Moss and Tom Brady (as a safety in the Tampa 2)

After thinking about these for a little while, I sorted them into four categories:

The Impossible: Absolutely no way in hell, heaven or earth to do it. There exist no possibility in rain, snow, or shine that you are making the play.
•    Pass Block against Demarcus Ware- I’ve stood next to the man. It simply isn’t happening.
•    Long Catch against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper- They’re faster and stronger with better hands and leaping ability.
•    Run Blitz against Leonard Davis- I met Larry Allen once. Leonard Davis is bigger. You go where he wants you to go.
•    Long Pass Coverage against Randy Moss and Tom Brady- Again: bigger, faster, stronger, better. (Notice: a drop would not count as “making the play”, only a PBU)
•    Pass Rush against Joe Thomas- He regularly defends against bigger, faster and stronger attackers than you. Pancake.
•    Safety Pass Support against Randy Moss and Tom Brady (as a safety in the Tampa 2)- Similar to Pass Coverage, but with corner help. You’re still SOL.

The Powerballs: The odds are stacked against you 187 Million to 1. Your chances of success exist only in a statistics classroom. Don’t quit your day job.
•    Run Block against Albert Haynesworth- You’re best chance would be a cut block of some type [read: trip him], but the odds aren’t good.
•    Power Run against Ray Lewis- Ray Lewis could hit you so hard that you literally ricocheted off of him. If you stayed on your feet, maybe you could gain some yards
•    Finesse/Speed Run against Troy Polamalu-Similar to Lewis, but with the possibility that he goes low and you miraculously avoid the tackle.
•    Long Throw against Charles Woodson and Darren Sharper- This would all depend on your receiver. If you get a guy that can jump, who knows? How often do Hail Mary’s work?
•    Safety Run Support against Darren Sproles (a run into the secondary)- Here, you have to hope that he gets cocky, tries to run you over, and then gets tripped up when you cut his feet.

The Incredibly Unlikely: It would take an act of God, a turkey baster full of pharmaceuticals and a box of Wheaties, but success is still possible.
•    Short Throw against Champ Bailey- Again, this would depend on the receiver, but if the WR was big enough (MartyB ne1?) maybe he could aggressively make a play on the ball for some yards.
•    Exterior Run Tackle against Adrian Peterson- The sideline is your friend, so is going low. The chances you even touch him are minuscule, but I could see someone making a play.
•    Short Pass Coverage against Brandon Marshal and Kyle Orton- This would be about timing. If you guessed right and jumped the slant, I could see a PBU or even an INT. If they throw high, or a drag, or an out, you’re basically fucked.
The Dice Rolls: No one likes your chances, and you probably won’t succeed. That being said, a casino would attract some bets if the odds were steep enough.
•    Short Catch against Champ Bailey- With an NFL QB to throw to you, and if Champ Bailey is playing a few yards off, you could make the catch. No yards, but a catch.
•    Interior Run Tackle against Marion Barber- My odds on favorite for success. Throw yourself at his legs. If you play your cards right, there’s a possibility that Barber will trip over your shattered body. That’s a tackle.
So there you have it. The best chance the average American male has to make an NFL play involves tackling Marion Barber. Sounds good to me.

Agree? Disagree? OMGWTF, How could you leave out special teams? Put your comments in the comments section.