Week 3: Hit of the Week

Two man enter! One man leave!

DING DONG

Lee gets a badge of courage, Tate flies back to Seattle. 

We know who's really taking the big hit.

Who Hungry?

Sadly, only starters count for points.

Running backs! 

Get your running backs! 

Running backs for sale!


Gentlemen,

I have what you need.

I have three of the top four runningbacks after week one. (And also Marshawn Lynch and Donald Brown!)

LeSean McCoy is only available for another "untouchable" (Brady, Brees, Rice, Rogers). I know that dog won't hunt.

C.J Spiller, Shonne Greene, Donald Brown and Marshawn Lynch are all available.

If you need QB depth, Matt Cassel and Christian Ponder are available

Kenny Britt is available as well, and his suspension is over.

NFC teams strongly preferred, but I'll discuss any offer.

I'd prefer to get an upgrade at WR, depth/breakout potential at WR or a 3rd tier QB.

Here's the trading block. Let's make some magic happen.

Jerry's Minion

For every smudge, I will liquidate you

THE EPIC 2012 CABC SEASON PREVIEW

Welcome to the CABC Preview

Alright boys and girls, this is the big one.

Let's get started:

COWS WIN!!!

America's Team AND God's Team

OGLETREE!!!

First and goal at the 1? NOT UP IN HERE!

DEZ can't go to the shake joint, but he can bring the shake joint to him.

Overall, a superb effort. Very proud of the Boys.

It just tastes so good.

2012 CABC Season Preview Preview!

Labor Day weekend was fun.

Full analysis tomorrow.

But here's a little taste...

If Streams Developed a Time Machine and Gained 25lbs.

Video: Kitten Pawing at an iPad

Let's Talk About Mike Wallace

Did somebody say Mike Wallace???

Recently, I have come under attack from several league members for listing Mike Wallace as an elite player. Now, I ordinarily wouldn't even dignify your comments with a response, but this seemed like a special case. The vast majority of you play fantasy football like you're autistic kittens pawing at an iPad-- you have no idea what you're doing, you have no understanding of the rules, and your actions are harmlessly adorable.

With that being said, I'm not going to show you all the models that predict greatness for Wallace. I won't bore you with comparables, or waste your time talking about what his ceiling could be.

I'm gonna let Bill Barnwell do that.

In closing, I'd like announce that Mike Wallace has officially been jinxed and that he will probably never play another down of football in his life.

Please accept my invitation to go fuck yourselves.

Several CABC members should probably wear a helmet at all times

Regarding Streams' Obsession with Mike Wallace

SKC in 2033

Sleepers and Sliders and Dares, Oh My! -- THE 2012 CABC Draft

What an Apple commercial should really look like: A bunch of white people just fucking around.

It is with an open-heart that CABC league members welcomed each other for another year of fantasy football. With the taint of scandal hanging in the air, the league acted swiftly to restore order.

Votes were held. Agreements were made. And jimmies were rustled.

With voting completed and league matters decided, it was time to feast...

DRAFT NIGHT!

Additionally...

I will select this miniature manatee with my 4th pick. Plan accordingly. 

BIRD LAW

I'm legitimately discussing Bird Law in class right now.

"Film": The Aftermath

CABC:

ARB:

Bringing Back the SKC

Ever since Hipster Seasonal typewrote about Blogspot becoming too mainstream with GMail-esque improvements, one author has neglected CABC's Ashburn, VA's Award-winning Blog.

The Many Faces of SKC

 Seasons removed from the Blog, SKC may have lost his English-major touch. I have come up with a few pieces that SKC could feature in the upcoming CABC year.

CABC Draft Order: A History

With the F. brothers sitting at 1 and 3 respectively, and at the request of a concerned league member, I decided to take a historical look at how the draft order has played out.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane...

Drumroll please.................

And now, I give to you the 2012 CABC Draft Order as determined by the accounting firm of BHF & George.

Preseason Game 2: Can you feel it?

After an absolute barn-burner in the first preseason game, the Cowboys are back.

Let's hope that our offensive line made of scotch tape and tissue paper holds up.

GET PUMPED!!! NOTHING LIKE PRESEASON FOOTBALL!!!

Courage and Honor

CABC and SM's own Sam Acho acting like the gentleman that he is.

THE DOUBLE J RISES

Inside JerryWorld

Jason Garrett: TELL ME ABOUT GOODELL! WHY DOES HE WEAR THE MASK???

Sean Payton: [fearful silence]

Garrett executes Gregg Williams

Sean Payton: Whatever you do to me, he'll do worse.

Roger Goodell: Right you are, brother!

Garrett: Ahh! How the fuck did you get in here?

Goodell: That is none of your concern! The fire rises.

Garrett: What the fuck are you talking about?

Goodell: Your punishment must be more severe!

Grabs Garrett, tattoos "8-8 FOREVER" on his forehead.

The Goddamn Double J: Unhand that ginger faggot!

Goodell: Mr. Jones! I am the Cowboys' reckoning. You will watch as your team misses the playoffs and when Cowboys Stadium is ashes, then, Mr. Jones, then you have my permission get drunk and fire your coach.

The Goddamn Double J: We've got two new stud cornerbacks. Romo is a GODDAMN star. DeMarcus is the NFL sack KING! We're winnin' it all this year! Nothing you can do will stop me!

Goodell: You realize I must kill you now.

 The Goddamn Double J: Help me Wolfman Rob!

Wolfman Rob: [howls angrily]

Goodell: NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!!

The Goddamn Double J: YEEEHAWWWW!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!

Garrett: Do you ever miss it here, Sean?

Payton: No.

Where Are They Now? [Part Two]

SKR, Baiters Gonna Bait (6-8)

I found this on King's bedside table. Nuff said.

MMB, Afternoon Hangover (7-7)

Afternoon Hangover narrowly missed the playoffs in 2011. Plagued by a string of phantom illnesses, it has been a dark few months for MMB. Following an ugly breakup, MB signed up for a free two-week trial on ChristianMingle.com. There he met a string of women hoping to get lucky and clear his mind. Unfortunately, the Lord works in mysterious ways and after 14 days, all Mark had was a serious case of blue balls. MMB has now switched over to AdultFriendFinder with the handle “HOTTER_TWIN214”.

ADL, Repeat? I Got This! (9-5)

After a crushing defeat in the 2011 championship game, no one has seen or heard from ADL. If you have any information concerning his whereabouts, please contact the authorities.

JBF, Stabbin Dude (7-7)

Don’t look now, but JBF may finally have his shit together. For a few years, he seemed destined for a life of watching daytime television and CAM-ing. Now he is qualified for a career in watching daytime television and CAM-ing. Jeff says he is most excited about getting to sleep in before games this season. 

RSR, Kittens Riding Turtles (7-7)

Always content to sit around and look at photos of adorable animals, that seems to be exactly what RSR has done the entire offseason. Yet somehow, this translated into only FOUR posts between February and August. My question is where are these animals that he has no doubt been hoarding. RSR has been caught biglering on the job, and I for one demand that he make up for lost time. 

Where Are They Now? [Part One]

I welcome everyone back for the 2012 CABC Season. As draft day draws nearer, now is the time to look back and see what everyone has been up to these past few months.

SKC, Manning The Clipboard (3-11)

Following a brief stint with international accounting firm KPMS, Mr. C has again found himself jobless. This has allowed him to pursue his true passion as the captain of the Bishop Arts Neighborhood Watch. Never one to get spooked, this seems like the perfect career path for SKC. He has even championed his own sort of “Stand Your Ground” justice by practicing techniques learned in Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and Duane Chapman’s Where Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given. The Skunningham Method of repeatedly saying “Guys” and giggling until the assailant stands down is now being adopted in communities across the nation. Our thoughts and prayers are with him every day he is out keeping the neighborhood gentrified.

RER, Bye Week (4-10)

After finishing near the bottom of the league in 2011, this has been a big year for RER. Changing zip codes and jobs in a short amount of time is enough to wear down any man. But it’s what he has been able to create outside of the office that is truly incredible. Inspired by great the mashup DJ Girl Talk and his boyhood idol, Weird Al Yankovic, RER started playing around with classic tunes and zany lyrics as soon as last season was in the books. Currently his work can be enjoyed every other commercial break with Target’s back to school ad campaign. No doubt, great things are expected out of RER this season. And Denim.

ARB, Selfish Airboats (11-3)

ARB was disappointed to learn he was kicked out of the Libertarian Party in March of this year. The decision was made by party leaders after learning his pursuit of “Taintsman Justice” was reaching Orwellian levels. Since this ban, ARB has fought for mandatory minimum sentencing for those who shirk their promises. Attorney-at-Large Jackie Chiles has attached his name to the cause and the pair is trying to get the plan attached to upcoming legislation. 

BEN, Ninja Vanish (11-3)

Raised by a call from former instructor and Don King lookalike Cornell West, Brother Barry has spent the last few months as a foot soldier in Obama’s Army. Following 8 weeks of intense training in Kenya, BEN was sent to the front lines of the war. It has been rumored that Agent N played a role in staging the ACL injury of Derek Rose. Political strategists called in the hit, convinced that a championship run by the Chicago Bulls would make Barack Obama, the team’s number one fan, seem too black to the electorate. Driven by guilt that he had a part in crowing LeBron James the Miami Heat, the reigning CABC Champion has fallen into a deep depression that could impact his performance in 2012.

GMF, Tit Gypsies (5-9)

Having reduced Loveless Café to Depression Era levels of preserves, GMF decided it was time to pick up roots and move from Nashville back to the Big D. There he has spent the summer months watching old episodes of Jeopardy. He will soon begin attending Texas Southern University’s Thurgood Marshall School where he will pursue his JD with a focus on Bird Law.

Stanley's New Cat

Barry's response to Stan's new addition after the jump.

59 More Days Until NFL Football

Sweet Jesus, get here soon.

http://howmanydaysuntilfootball.com

It's...Glorious

Don't eat mushrooms you find in the wild. They could be poisonous.

Roy Pitching at the Rough Riders Tonight

What I said was give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Disproving Stanley's Creationism