Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Things get started on Thursday this week in more ways than one. Oakland visits San Diego to kick off Thursday Night Football in 2011, but the real story is the new-found political activism here at CABC.

Beginning on Thursday, a select group of CABC members will take a public stand on a very important political issue:

Did you know that 99% of rounds under par are shot by only 1% of golfers? 



To right this injustice, ARB, JBF, MMB, and SKC are bravely traveling to Pebble Beach, California to stage a "golf-in". These courageous freedom fighters have made it their mission to give these scratch-golfing fat cats a taste of their own medicine!

Pebble Beach will be their Normandy beach as they bravely battle the ferocious beauty of Pebble Beach Golf Links and the exclusive grandeur of the Cypress Point Club.

If none of these men return, just know that they fought for what they believed in: lower handicaps for each and every golfer.

God speed, gentlemen.

To the Week 9 Games:

Play him off, keyboard cat...
Repeat? I GOT THIS (ADL) over Manning The Clipboard (SKC), 227.5 - 142.5

Looking at the final score of this game, it's almost impossible for me to believe that at halftime during the late games, SKC was actually projected to win this thing. I wish I took a screenshot. Well, moments after the games started back up, Repeat went to town and never looked back. This incredible late game performance was led by our Week 9 MVP Willis McGahee, and it was good enough to win ADL the Week 9 Championship by a wide margin. SKC is now firmly in the lead to grab the 2011 Taintsman, and ADL is sitting pretty atop the AFC.

BEN is a samurai warrior slicing through the league
Ninja Vanish! (BEN) over Terance Cody's Tit Gypsies (GMF), 167- 145.5

Another week, another BEN victory.  [Yawns, falls asleep for an hour, abruptly wakes up when the DVR automatically changes channels and the Southpark music starts playing, looks around, mutes TV, falls back asleep, dreams of BEN losing a fucking game this fucking century, wakes up with a boner, turns on Franklin and Bash, farts, falls asleep again.] It should be noted that BEN is mathematically eliminated from being league Taintsman this year, and is close to guaranteeing himself a playoff spot.

RSR victoriously tea-bagging MMB
 Kittens Riding Turtles (RSR) over Afternoon Hangover (MMB), 160.5 - 150.5

The only two blonde members of CABC went at it this week in what pundits are calling the "Statistically One of You Has Blonde Pubes and is Therefore a Fucking Weirdo" Bowl. The Turtles outlasted the Hangover in an extremely close game that came down to a pair of Eagles players slugging it out. In the end, LeSean McCoy's performance simply wasn't enough to get the win. It should be noted that if MMB had picked up a kicker or if Heyward-Bey played at all, this game could easily have gone the other way.

ARB thinks this painting deserves to be in the Louvre
 The Selfish Airboats (ARB) over A Stabbin Dude With Raditude (JBF), 193 - 146

This game looked close early, but the Airboats ran away with this one. Both of these teams are currently sitting at second place in their divisions, but neither has a firm grasp on a playoff spot. Since these teams don't play each other for the remainder of the season, trade rumors have surfaced that involve several high-caliber skill players. These rumors are baseless, and Herman Cain never even met that bitch.

Who is it gonna be?
Baiters Gonna 'Bait (SKR) over BYE WEEK (RER), 142 - 142 (Bench Points)

Well, well, well! Look what we have here! A good old fashioned TIE!!! SKR trailed RER 9.5 points heading into Monday Night Football. The Baiters had only one player remaining: Bears' linebacker Brian Urlacher. Through sixty minutes of battling, through TFLs, PDs, and hard hits, Urlacher finished the night with exactly 9.5 points. The game was tied, but CABC must be sated! A winner must be chosen! Long ago, The High Counsel of CABC* decreed that all ties would be decided by bench points, and therefore, SKR and the Baiters were victorious.

But all is not lost for BYE WEEK: ESPN scores and stats aren't official until Saturday afternoon, and defensive rescores are shockingly frequent. One half-tackle here or there could end up pushing BYE WEEK over the Baiters, and right back into playoff contention in the AFC.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

*The High Counsel of CABC consists of ARB and Milo, with Gibbons voting in case of a tie.

No comments:

Post a Comment