Recently, I have come under attack from several league members for listing Mike Wallace as an elite player. Now, I ordinarily wouldn't even dignify your comments with a response, but this seemed like a special case. The vast majority of you play fantasy football like you're autistic kittens pawing at an iPad-- you have no idea what you're doing, you have no understanding of the rules, and your actions are harmlessly adorable.
With that being said, I'm not going to show you all the models that predict greatness for Wallace. I won't bore you with comparables, or waste your time talking about what his ceiling could be. I'm gonna let Bill Barnwell do that.
In closing, I'd like announce that Mike Wallace has officially been jinxed and that he will probably never play another down of football in his life.
Please accept my invitation to go fuck yourselves.
Several CABC members should probably wear a helmet at all times
What an Apple commercial should really look like: A bunch of white people just fucking around.
It is with an open-heart that CABC league members welcomed each other for another year of fantasy football. With the taint of scandal hanging in the air, the league acted swiftly to restore order.
Votes were held. Agreements were made. And jimmies were rustled.
With voting completed and league matters decided, it was time to feast...
Ever since Hipster Seasonal typewrote about Blogspot becoming too mainstream with GMail-esque improvements, one author has neglected CABC's Ashburn, VA's Award-winning Blog.
Seasons removed from the Blog, SKC may have lost his English-major touch. I have come up with a few pieces that SKC could feature in the upcoming CABC year.
With the F. brothers sitting at 1 and 3 respectively, and at the request of a concerned league member, I decided to take a historical look at how the draft order has played out.
Jason Garrett: TELL ME ABOUT GOODELL! WHY DOES HE WEAR THE MASK???
Sean Payton: [fearful silence]
Garrett executes Gregg Williams
Sean Payton: Whatever you do to me, he'll do worse.
Roger Goodell: Right you are, brother!
Garrett: Ahh! How the fuck did you get in here?
Goodell: That is none of your concern! The fire rises.
Garrett: What the fuck are you talking about?
Goodell: Your punishment must be more severe!
Grabs Garrett, tattoos "8-8 FOREVER" on his forehead.
The Goddamn Double J: Unhand that ginger faggot!
Goodell: Mr. Jones! I am the Cowboys' reckoning. You will watch as your team misses the playoffs and when Cowboys Stadium is ashes, then, Mr. Jones, then you have my permission get drunk and fire your coach.
The Goddamn Double J: We've got two new stud cornerbacks. Romo is a GODDAMN star. DeMarcus is the NFL sack KING! We're winnin' it all this year! Nothing you can do will stop me!
Goodell: You realize I must kill you now.
The Goddamn Double J: Help me Wolfman Rob!
Wolfman Rob: [howls angrily]
Goodell: NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!!
The Goddamn Double J: YEEEHAWWWW!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!
Afternoon Hangover narrowly missed the playoffs in 2011. Plagued by a string of phantom illnesses, it has been a
dark few months for MMB. Following an ugly breakup, MB signed up for a free
two-week trial on ChristianMingle.com. There he met a string of women hoping to
get lucky and clear his mind. Unfortunately, the Lord works in mysterious ways
and after 14 days, all Mark had was a serious case of blue balls. MMB has now
switched over to AdultFriendFinder with the handle “HOTTER_TWIN214”.
ADL, Repeat? I Got This! (9-5)
After a crushing defeat in the 2011 championship game, no
one has seen or heard from ADL. If you have any information concerning his
whereabouts, please contact the authorities.
JBF, Stabbin Dude (7-7)
Don’t look now, but JBF may finally have his shit together.
For a few years, he seemed destined for a life of watching daytime television and
CAM-ing. Now he is qualified for a career in watching daytime television and
CAM-ing. Jeff says he is most excited about getting to sleep in before games
this season.
RSR, Kittens Riding Turtles (7-7)
Always content to sit around and look at photos of adorable
animals, that seems to be exactly what RSR has done the entire offseason. Yet
somehow, this translated into only FOUR posts between February and August. My
question is where are these animals that he has no doubt been hoarding. RSR has
been caught biglering on the job, and I for one demand that he make up for lost
time.
I welcome everyone back for the 2012 CABC Season. As draft
day draws nearer, now is the time to look back and see what everyone has been
up to these past few months.
SKC, Manning The Clipboard (3-11)
Following a brief stint with international
accounting firm KPMS, Mr. C has again found himself jobless. This has allowed
him to pursue his true passion as the captain of the Bishop Arts Neighborhood
Watch. Never one to get spooked, this seems like the perfect career path for
SKC. He has even championed his own sort of “Stand Your Ground” justice by
practicing techniques learned in Sun Tzu’s The
Art of War and Duane Chapman’s Where
Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given. The Skunningham Method of repeatedly saying
“Guys” and giggling until the assailant stands down is now being adopted in
communities across the nation. Our thoughts and prayers are with him every day
he is out keeping the neighborhood gentrified.
RER, Bye Week (4-10)
After finishing near the bottom of the league in 2011, this
has been a big year for RER. Changing zip codes and jobs in a short amount of
time is enough to wear down any man. But it’s what he has been able to create
outside of the office that is truly incredible. Inspired by great the mashup DJ
Girl Talk and his boyhood idol, Weird Al Yankovic, RER started playing around
with classic tunes and zany lyrics as soon as last season was in the books.
Currently his work can be enjoyed every other commercial break with Target’s
back to school ad campaign. No doubt, great things are expected out of RER this
season. And Denim.
ARB, Selfish Airboats (11-3)
ARB was disappointed to learn he was kicked out of the
Libertarian Party in March of this year. The decision was made by party leaders
after learning his pursuit of “Taintsman Justice” was reaching Orwellian
levels. Since this ban, ARB has fought for mandatory minimum sentencing for
those who shirk their promises. Attorney-at-Large Jackie Chiles has attached
his name to the cause and the pair is trying to get the plan attached to
upcoming legislation.
BEN, Ninja Vanish (11-3)
Raised by a call from former instructor and Don King
lookalike Cornell West, Brother Barry has spent the last few months as a foot
soldier in Obama’s Army. Following 8 weeks of intense training in Kenya, BEN
was sent to the front lines of the war. It has been rumored that Agent N played
a role in staging the ACL injury of Derek Rose. Political strategists called in
the hit, convinced that a championship run by the Chicago Bulls would make
Barack Obama, the team’s number one fan, seem too black to the electorate. Driven
by guilt that he had a part in crowing LeBron James the Miami Heat, the
reigning CABC Champion has fallen into a deep depression that could impact his
performance in 2012.
Can't All Be Cowboys is blog about fantasy football, The Dallas Cowboys, cute animals, weirdos, meatball subs, Excel, narwhals, hots, Gibbons, and Christian-themed young-adult mystery literature. For Mans.
