Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Nuggets, Scotch, and Fantasy Football-- THE 2011 CABC DRAFT

Pictured: SKC burning a nugget fart into JBF's chair
How would you define luxury? Fine wines? Plush furs? Exotic woods? Miniature giraffes?

I, like you, thought I had experienced luxury.

I was wrong. This, my friends, is true luxury:

Oh, a Chick-Fil-A nugget platter? Big Deal


Jesus himself would kill a man for Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday. Welcome to The 2011 CABC Draft.

Welcome to Luxury.

And with the first pick in the 2011 CABC draft, GMF selects...

MICHAEL "I'm super good at football and murdering dogs" VICK

GMF, Terance Cody's Tit Gypsies, 1st
GMF's mentor
Best Pick: Michael Vick, QB, 1st round. If Vick stays healthy, he'll set the all time season scoring record at CABC. That's a big "if" though.
Worst Pick: Josh Freeman, QB, 2nd round. Better QBs, RBs, and WRs available. Freeman has upside, but this was a reach.
Notable: Sam Acho, DE, 28th Round. CABC's very own. Also the only NFL player who has a legitimate chance of being a monarch.

BEN, Assholes Finish 1st, 2nd
Best Pick: Steven Jackson, RB, 3rd Round. Jackson put up great numbers when the Rams were terrible. Now they're actually going to be leading some games and running the clock out in the 4th quarter. A steal in the 3rd.
Worst Pick: Brandon Marshall, WR, 7th Round. I've seen Chad Henne throw a football. No amount of athleticism is going to overcome that.
Notable: Steelers Coach, 21st Round. I think the Steelers are going to stomp people this year. When they do lose a game or two, it won't be by much.

SKR, Baiters Gone 'Bate, 3rd
LLBC: Ladies Love Bear Coat
Best Pick: Peyton Manning, QB, 2nd Round. If Manning is anywhere close to healthy, SKR pulled off the steal of the draft.
Worst Pick: Peyton Manning, QB, 2nd Round. Manning can't even turn his head sideways. If he's out, you're totally fucked.
Notable: Patrick Peterson, CB, 15th Round. I watched one of his preseason games. He is unreal.

SKC, David Buehler's Day Off, 4th
Like all hipsters, SKC has an unending interest in David Bowie
Best Pick: Jay Cutler, QB, 9th Round. Cutler is far from elite, but grabbing a starting QB in the 9th round is a fantastic value.
Worst Pick: Ahmad Bradshaw, RB, 4th Round. You should never use your 4th round pick on a player that won't even start on your own team. This team had other positions to address.
Notable: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, 2nd Round. Including the playoffs last year, Mendenhall had over 400 carries last year. Despite "The Curse of 370" being multiple-end points bullshit, that's still a lot of work.

RSR, DP Defriended Me, 5th
RSR getting weighed at his yearly check-up
Best Pick: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB, 5th Round. I think the Law Firm is in for a monster year with the Pats. 5th round is a steal.
Worst Pick: Plaxico Burress, WR, 11th Round. Dude was in jail for a long time. Nacho won't get him the ball.
Notable: Kyle Orton, QB, 20th Round. Another of CABC's own, Neckbeard went all Pontius Pilate on Tebow's ass.

ADL, Cocks Out Crocs Out, 6th

"Trust me, this is huge in Europe."
Best Pick: Dez Bryant, WR, 5th Round. Dez has looked incredible, the Cowboys will put up a ton of points (because they have no defense), and Romo is back.
Worst Pick: Beanie Wells, RB, 8th Round. This dude sucks. Also, his first name is "Beanie". Can't have guys like that screwing up your lockerroom.
Notable: Felix Jones, RB, 7th Round. I think this is Felix's year.

MMB, Scoregate, 7th
Fact: Nic Cage once filmed a music video at MMB's house over Thanksgiving
Best Pick: Mario Manningham, WR, 10th Round. I love Manningham's value this late in the draft. The Giants are injury-ridden and hopefully that causes them to lose, which means throwing the ball.
Worst Pick: Roy Williams, WR, 26th Round. Even in the 26th round, you drafted him roughly 40 rounds too early.
Notable: Lee Evans, WR, 24th Round. One of the first rules of fantasy football. Lee Evans only ever scores points if you bench him.

JBF, Ragin Rhinos, 8th
This is the Taintsman award for next year
Best Pick: Tony Romo, QB, 1st Round. Romo is primed for a monster year. Dez, Austin, Felix, Witten, and no one playing defense.
Worst Pick: Vernon Davis, TE, 7th Round. Davis is a fine player, but taking a non-elite TE this early is a poor decision.
Notable: Nick Fairley, DT, 27th Round. Fairly will be playing on a fantastic D-Line. Great chances for him to put up numbers.

ARB, The Selfish Airboats, 9th
Greatest Gif Ever?
Best Pick: Mike Tolbert, RB, 16th Round. I expect Tolbert to vulture goal line carries all year. Matthews hasn't shown enough to keep Tolbert on the bench.
Worst Pick: Jon Kitna, QB, 28th Round. This is a wasted pick. Romo will stay healthy.
Notable: Kevin Kolb, QB, 5th Round. I guess we'll all get to see if we should believe the hype.

RER's friends sure are friendly
Best Pick: Sam Bradford, QB, 3rd Round. Grabbing a young QB with upside late in the 3rd round is a steal. I think Bradford and the Rams have a great year.
Worst Pick: Cam Newton, QB, 12th Round. This isn't a laptop stealing competition. Carolina is bad.
Notable: Mark Ingram, RB, 5th Round. Ingram may be just the back the Saints need. That offense will be fun to watch. 

Stay tuned! Full team previews coming up in about an hour...