Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Fact: Tony Romo is the Gayest Straight Man I Know

It has certainly been a long summer: The Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Championship, ADL moved back to Texas, Rory McIlroy cleaned up at the US Open, SKR graduated (yes? no? confirm before posting), and the Dallas Cowboys dropped some former stars following the lockout. But the social event of the season had to be Martha's Vineyard 4th of July The Romo-Crawford Nuptials.

A who's who of Dallas celebs filled large white tents in Lee Park at the end of May as Tony finally decided to plant his roots and marry 25 year-old former beauty queen Candice Crawford. At the time, the event was shrouded in secrecy. Streets were closed, guests were shuttled from The Mansion in tinted SUVs, football business was not discussed as Jerry and his Boys snacked during cocktail hour opting instead to chat about the Gossip Girl finale. For such a happening, it was not the tabloid fodder that had become the norm for Tony's relationships over the years. But now, months later, certain details of the event are coming to light. Yesterday the Dallas Morning News published a story about Number 9's Bachelor Party.
"The 31-year-old signal-caller and his 14 or 15 buddies ditched the alcohol and partying. Instead, they traveled to a cabin in West Virginia and played a few games of hide-and-seek."
It's not the teetotaling that bothers me. I had been worried that Tony packed on a few lbs when his injury rehab overlapped with the NFL lockout, so the fact that there was no booze was a relief. West Virginia. Meh. I've never been, but I hear it's a nice place once you get past the mine disasters and mouth-breathing Appalachians. But hide-and-seek? How can you suggest that and get 14 other sober buddies to agree with you? I am the first to admit that the entire Hangover-style bachelor party is a little too debaucherous for my style, but there's certainly a time and a place. THE TIME IS WHEN YOU'RE THE QUARTERBACK OF AMERICA'S TEAM AND THE PLACE IS ANY DALLAS STRIP CLUB.
“I didn’t really feel like going out, drinking that night,” Romo described. “I mean, we were there for a couple of days, so I was just like, ‘Let’s just find something to do here.’ We tried coming up with a game, but with 14 or 15 guys, there aren’t a lot of non-drinking games at that age you can do.”
Tony is right about one thing, there aren't a lot of games for 14 or 15 guys. Except for, say, football? Did this jerkfest in the woods cause his clavicle to start hurting again?
“I stayed hidden for a while,” [Romo] said. “I had a pretty good spot. It was probably about 35 minutes. It was enjoyable to win just because I got to tell them all that I was smarter than them."
Really, Tony? You're smarter than them? Did you take HNS494 while at Eastern Illinois? You spent some of your last moments as a free man hiding behind a tree in the forest. You're bachelor party isn't the venue to rub their faces in your brains. It's the time you brag about banging Carrie Underwood and dumping Jessica Simpson because she got fat.

Dirk may be the man of the moment in Dallas, but this is and always will be a football town. As the Cowboys' quarterback, you represent not only the team but the city, and right now New York, DC and Philly are laughing at us. You married a beauty queen, but the Tony Homo moniker has never been more appropriate. This is bordering on some Jeff Garcia shit. Sure, Troy shared a beach house with Steve Young, but those guys won championships. And now, in your sixth season as a starter, it's time for you to do the same.

Gone are the days of blind adoration. I've come to your defense for too long. As I look forward to the September 11 opener against the Jets, I can hear Cris Collinsworth bringing up the bachelor party antics in his typical smug manner to lighten the somber mood of the evening. And I will shake my head because I love my hometown and you're making us out to look like pussies.

I understand that once the season gets going, there will be other storylines and criticisms, but until then I'm stuck questioning your smarts.


  1. For the record, the fine gentlemen over at The Little Ticket suggested that Romo was running a bit, and that his bachelor party included the traditional drinking/hookers. I really doubt that 15 men could be convinced to play hide and seek. Still though, in the words of JJ himself, "Did you see the fine piece of ass Romo sliced off? Not bad for an undrafted Mexican from Wisconsin."