Week 9 Review: Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife

Cuz ARB rapin' everybody out here.

Guys, I'm honestly starting to get sick of being Weekly Champion. I'm gonna try to help you guys out with some tips:
 

JBF, you're 0-9. You need to begin the process of influencing the league through lopsided trades. It's your only hope.

GMF, congratulations on your recent frat-stardom. Now pull your head out of your ass. Being cool doesn't translate into fantasy wins.

 SKR has got himself a new Disney character girlfriend, and from what he tell me, her vagina is magical. You deserve a hearty handshake, sir. I'd give you some tips for fantasy football, but you've got other things to worry about (namely, an unwanted pregnancy).

 MMB, your team is in freefall. To end this streak of losses at five, you need to sacrifice an animal. I think The Gods would like this kitten. I mean, who wouldn't?

 

BEN, your team looks pretty soft now, but I know that it'll grow up to be a fearsome aquatic bird come playoff time. I really hope it doesn't though. Adult geese are terrifying. 

   

ADL has taken the league by storm. Six wins in a row. He looks unstoppable. I don't think we should worry though. If you read the fine print of the league, anyone who dies of work-related stress during the season is banned from the playoffs. 

   

RER, you've done it. You have officially become a playoff contender your first year in the league. We don't award Rookie of the Year until the end of the regular season, but I'd say you have a decent shot at winning.

RSR, I am fucking on to you. I get your plan. You're gonna post pictures of baby giraffes to lull the rest of the league into a sense of calm, and then you'll calmly claim the League Championship. You're on notice. Also, congrats to Peyton Hillis for being week 9 MVP.

SKC, you should post on the blog. That ass is meant to symbolize you. Also, Pro Tip: do not Google "Animal related ass". There are some things you can't unsee,