Week 9 Preview

Syndrome (0-8) at Celery Men (8-0)

ARB has been tearing through the league like some sort of fox who navigates the stars. Congratulations Celery Men, all your hours in front of dual Excel screens has finally paid off in the regular season. And now you pick up Jacob Tamme, the only player in the league with a name gayer than Sabby Piscitelli. Did your magic Microsoft paperclip tell you that he could have a breakout game week 15 against Jacksonville? We get it dude. Your team is good. Quit rubbing it in. Antonio Gates is still going to score more points, it doesn’t matter if he’s Doubtful or not. Tamme is a player who wasn’t on anyone else’s radar and you certainly didn’t need to pick him up to put the Syndrome out of their misery this weekend.

Walker told me I have AIDS

DPDM (5-3) at TOTO (3-5)
Home Run King pointed out that his last three losses have been by a total of 13 points. I think he was looking for some sympathy or thinking that I would admit to some elaborate conspiracy that was put in place decades ago to destroy his 2010 fantasy team. I only ended up laughing at what is the fantasy equivalent to premature ejaculation. Your players turn in solid games, you just climax a little too early. Great method of birth control, not that awesome when you’re trying to make the playoffs. This weekend try jerking it in the bathroom before RSR comes over and maybe you can last a little longer.

Buehler (6-2) at COCO (5-3)

The Cocks have been on a mighty winning streak the past five Sundays. It would seem that the Autodraft selection of Lee Evans had been willing him to victory from the sidelines. This week, ADL has ditched the Fitzpatrick-Evans Express in favor of a defensive player who he hopes can give him points of biblical proportion. When it comes to D Linemen with awesome names there is Ndamukong Suh, Stylez White, Parys Haralson, and now Israel Idonije, whose name means “baker of delicious gingerbread.”

Fellatio (1-7) at Assholes (5-3)
It’s hard to tell if GMF even pays attention to his team anymore. If Fellatio managed his team with even half the passion that he puts into his pursuit of the drinking arts, this team could be at least 2-6. The Assholes week 8 score was the equivalent of getting blanked in a World Series game. Any team that turns in a total less than the Syndrome has issues that need to be examined by a medical professional.

Tayne (5-3) at Suh (2-6)

Based on Fibonacci’s Theorem of Sequential Fantastical Achievement, NomNomNom Suh can count on a victory this week against Nude Tayne. SKR’s season has gone like this so far: L, W, L, L, W, L, L, L. A win this week would put him into position to drop the next four games before finishing off the season with a drubbing of the Syndrome.