CABC 2011: WEEK 9 PREVIEW

With the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November creeping up on us, I figured it was an appropriate time to analyze the GOP Presidential candidates vis-à-vis CABC. Geaux Tigers!

CABC 2011: WEEK 3 PREVIEW

Kittens (1-1) at Raditude (0-2)

It was not until Week 11 that JBF won a game last season and he’s off to a great start if he plans on beating this feat in 2011. His quest to make history almost came to a halt last week until Michael Turner saved the day and won the game for both SKC and the Falcons. Raditude should have no trouble losing this week as his injured offense and nonexistent defense go up against a strong Kittens team. Chris Johnson is starting to find his stride and should be able to put up big points against a Denver team that allowed Run-DMC 150 yards in Week 1. 

Game. Set. Match. Kittens.

Tit Gypsies (1-1) at Clipboard (1-1)

It is still early in the season, but right now the leading wide receivers are Steve Smith and Kenny Britt. Averaging almost 30 points per week, Britt guarantees GMF will stay competitive even if Mick Vick is not 100%. It will be interesting to see what offensive lineup SKCanley uses to counter this week. Cedric Benson has not been stunning and Rashard Mendenhall has nowhere to go but up following the Steelers Week 1 meltdown. Even the guaranteed 10 points from Bradshaw is better than the dice-roll that is Benson and the Cincinnati Bungals.

GMF has been getting HAMmered for years

Bye Week (0-2) at Hangover (0-2)

Both teams are already beat to shit, but I’ve got to give the edge to RER. The Hangovers have Eli and Nicks going up against a mean Philadelphia secondary and Old Man McNabb facing the rival Lions. Hard to put faith in a starting lineup of rookies Cam Newton and Daniel Thomas, but they’re the healthiest guys on the Bye Weeks and both players face joke defenses. The unfortunate thing is one of these guys actually has to win a game this weekend, and the other will be one week closer to a cool case of 12-step juice. 

I just Meme'd the shit out of MMB

Baiters (1-1) at Ninja (2-0)

For all his unwillingness to fully participate, it’s nice to see BEN changing his name and adopting a new persona for 2011. The Ninjas (nee Assholes) picked up Ben Tate post-draft, but he remains in the starting lineup racking up points in Arian Foster’s absence. Greg Jennings caught only two passes last week for the Baiters, but one was for a touchdown. Despite these low numbers, Jennings is more of a sure thing than league leading receiver Steve Smith, whose performance has been helped by Cam Newton’s hot start as much as he’s been hurt by the rookie QB’s four picks through two weeks.

Projection: BEN is the Brown one, SKR's Head is the Pumpkin

Airboats (2-0) at Repeat (2-0)

Week 3’s spotlight matchup is a clash of undefeated teams in the Selfish Airboats and the Repeats. When it comes to the Airboats and their fearless owner, it’s the classic tale of always the bridesmaid and never the bride. He is the perennial scoring leading, but the CABC title has always somehow eluded him. ARB has a serious case of Peyton Manning Syndrome, known in the medical world as PMS. The need for success can lead to dysphoria, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, and sensitive nipples. There’s no telling how long ARB can go on living with these symptoms. Even if 2011 is the year he turns things around and wins, some doctors say that PMS patients could suffer from bloating and a “chronic pain-in-ass”. I know I’m not alone in praying to the Football Gods for our friend and his health.

A Glimpse into the Mind of ARB

State of the League

Friends, Bro-mans, Cowboys' Fans! Lend me your ears!

It is my superlative honor to welcome each of you to the sixth season here at Can't All Be Cowboys!

Unlike in years past, entrance to The League was widely sought. These would-be participants watched you carefully, hoping for one of you to bow out-- hoping for an entrance into CABC.  But for the first time in league history, CABC is welcoming back all ten players! I’d like to congratulate each of you on your decision to return.

The Draft- Something Old, Something New

The draft will once again take place at Fijolek household on Potomac. I’ll be in contact with each of you about which draft dates work best for everyone and I encourage all of you to experience the rush of drafting in person.

This year, for the first time ever, CABC will allow draft pick trading through ESPN’s website. Our league law firm, BHF & George, determined the draft order and you may begin trading draft picks at your leisure. Only 2011 draft picks may be traded. Any trades of future draft picks will not be recognized or upheld by the league. (Note: I had to set a draft date and time to allow draft pick trading to occur. This is only a placeholder, and it is not the official date and time for the draft.)

The league fee is $50, and you will not be allowed to draft if your money has not been received at the Fijolek household by draft night. Mail your check as soon as possible, or bring cash to the draft.

A New Rule- The Parity Preserver

After an unprecedented disparity between the good teams and the bad teams last year, CABC is instituting a new rule. Whoever finishes dead last (as determined by the playoff tiebreakers) in the league in 2011 must perform, engage in, or otherwise commit a league-agreed-upon act of self-humiliation.

The act of self-humiliation must be clearly defined, legal, and funny. The act must be approved and voted for by each and every league member to become official. Please submit ideas to me, post them on the blog, or on the league message board.

If the loser of the league refuses to perform the act after previously voting for it and agreeing to it, then that person shall be banned from CABC and all CABC-related activities until such time as they decide to stop acting like a whiny little bitch and do what they agreed to do.

A Few Notes

After great success last year, Rivalry Week will return. This means, of course, that old wounds will reopen:

Each of us will face our most constant foil: brother against brother, McGuire against Kelly, Myself against Prof. Nerdwell, and (in what I assume will be a beauty pageant) Allen against King

The roster composition, scoring formula, and playoff procedure remain unchanged:

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight. Our regular season runs for 14 weeks. Each team will play every team in their division both home and away. Each team will play four of the teams outside their division once, and one team outside their division twice (home and away). 

Lastly, in addition to the prize money, I will provide this year’s champion with a custom made trophy. The trophy will stand as a beacon to the world as to your greatness, and it will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

Just like last year, I'd like to close with a (slightly modified) passage that describes how I feel about football more eloquently than I could ever say it:

I am twenty-four years old. I now like football more than I ever have, or at least as much as I ever have since those wonderful days in fourth grade when I'd take off my moon boot to kick barefoot in the snow. I never thought this would happen. Never. I always assumed that my interest in football would wane over time, just as it has for everything else I was obsessed with as a kid. My obsession with football has risen every single autumn. I love watching it and I love thinking about it. And I want to understand why that happened. I assume it is one of three explanations or -- more likely -- a combination of all three: Either (a) the game itself keeps improving, (b) the media impacts me more than I'm willing to admit, or (c) this is just what happens to men as they grow older. I suppose I don't care. I'm just glad to have something in my life that is so easy enjoy this much. All I have to do is sit on my couch and watch. It is the easiest kind of pleasure.

I don't know what I see when I watch football. It must be something insane, because I should not enjoy it as much as I do. I must be seeing something so personal and so universal that understanding this question would tell me everything I need to know about who I am, and maybe I don't want that to happen. But perhaps it's simply this: Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.

All You Fuckers Are Going Down This Year,

Alex Brooks,

Commissioner, Can’t All Be Cowboys

Live Blogging the 2011 CABC Draft Lottery

Once again the Draft Lottery is being officiated by the Accounting Firm of BHF & George. Stay tuned for the results as they come in.

1. GMF

2. BEN

3. SKR

4. SKC

5. RSR

6. ADL

7. MMB

8. JBF

9. ARB

10.RER