Can't All Be Cowboys

Day 28

2012-01-31T22:36:00.000-06:00

Day 27

2012-01-30T23:40:00.002-06:00

Day 26

2012-01-29T20:36:00.002-06:00

Day 25

2012-01-29T02:45:00.000-06:00

Day 24

2012-01-27T22:55:00.002-06:00

Day 23

2012-01-26T20:50:00.000-06:00

Day 22

2012-01-25T22:58:00.002-06:00

Day 21

2012-01-24T21:35:00.001-06:00

Day 20

2012-01-22T22:31:00.001-06:00

Day 19

2012-01-22T01:36:00.002-06:00

I consider myself a very spiritual person

2012-01-21T02:42:00.000-06:00

Day 18

2012-01-21T01:03:00.001-06:00

A nightcap for a memorable evening.

Day 17

2012-01-19T23:09:00.002-06:00

Day 16

2012-01-18T20:56:00.001-06:00

TAINTSMAN ALERT!!! TAINTSMAN ALERT!!!

2012-01-18T16:40:00.003-06:00

This graph is accurate. Hint hint, Stanley.

Gentlemen, an alert league member notified me today of something quite disturbing.

After conferring with Assistant Commissioner F., I now inform you that Stan has breached his obligations as Taintsman by not drinking an O'Douls and posting a photo yesterday.

The relevant portion of the Taintsman Ballot is quite clear.

Ever a Stan-of-his-word, I think Stan has shown a great triumph of spirit by choosing to begin his 30 Day quest once more.

Good talk. See you out there.

PS:

Anti-TMNT propaganda:

Day 15

2012-01-16T23:40:00.001-06:00

O'Doul's is good but it's no Dicken's Cider

Day 14

2012-01-15T21:00:00.003-06:00

My new iPhone is now the most powerful computer in Oak Cliff

Day 13

2012-01-14T22:36:00.002-06:00

I can feel my taint shrinking

Parker Road Represent

2012-01-14T11:08:00.000-06:00

Day 12

2012-01-13T23:26:00.004-06:00

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Day 11

2012-01-12T21:24:00.003-06:00

I should turn this into a sponsorship gig

Day 10

2012-01-12T21:21:00.004-06:00

It's really hard to work this into my cleanse diet

A Treasury of Pics

2012-01-12T13:40:00.001-06:00

That's a cute dogbit

TWIST!

DRAMA LLAMA!

Never forget.

Turtle five.

Birds will flat out murder you.

Careful, Mr. Kitty. That fire is hot.

For Mal

Ibid

Oh, shut up. You've got your coat on!

That's an impressive wrap job.

A tragedy. Look away!

French fry your way to their heart.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy and a chance of drive-by.

2012-01-11T23:02:00.000-06:00

Day 9

2012-01-11T00:27:00.000-06:00

I'd rather have this than a Keystone

Day 8

2012-01-09T23:19:00.002-06:00

RROLLLL TIDE!

BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME PREDICTIONS

2012-01-09T13:12:00.000-06:00

Cray as it may seem, that fish is also delicious.

As many of you know, the BCS Title Game will be played tonight in New Orleans, LA.

I'm heading down to the tailgate now. I hope to have some excellent photos for you all this time tomorrow.

May The Honey Badger protect us all.

Prediction: LSU wins 27-17, The French Quarter and Central Business District are burned down afterwards as a show of sportsmanship.

Day 7

2012-01-08T21:59:00.002-06:00

Pulling the trigger

Day 6

2012-01-07T23:44:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday to Mr. Nicholas Cage. This O'Doul's is for you.

2012-01-06T22:09:00.002-06:00

For a brown, non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated liquid, it's really not that bad

Day 4

2012-01-05T23:57:00.002-06:00

I haven't had a bowel movement since day 1

Day 3

2012-01-04T23:19:00.002-06:00

The O'Doul's is filling the place where my dignity used to be.

Day 2

2012-01-03T22:49:00.002-06:00

My reward is in heaven.

Day 1

2012-01-02T23:12:00.004-06:00

It turns out defeat has a spicy bouquet and medium mouthfeel

CABC 2011 Awards Gala

2011-12-27T09:52:00.005-06:00

Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the Big House

CABC Creatures were stirring, including a lizard Reed named Carl Friedrich Gauss.

The awards were behind the table with care,

In hopes that St Fijolek soon would be there.

The CABC were nestled all snug in their chairs,

While visions of made-up awards danced in the air.

And Shepherd’s girlfriend in her red dress,

Attended the Gala, having no idea what was going on nonetheless.

When after dinner arose such a clatter,

As Jeff and Brooks, Drew and Barry delivered awards that didn’t matter.

Away to the Taintsman’s Box Stan flew like a flash,

Tore open the lid, and revealed a floppy blue scepter hiding in the cache.

As Beary received the silver trophy to close the awards show,

Mark and Stan flew their helicopters ‘til they came crashing down below.

Handed league-themed gifts as members drove out of sight,

The CABC closed a great season and a wonderful night.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T20:31:00.000-06:00

I can has playoff victory?

This man has over 100 million dollars.

I want to go to there.

I want to go to there, also.

Those donuts don't even look good.

CABC Gala in two days!

Whose neck be dat?

2011-12-22T02:04:00.000-06:00

Slate has selected the NFL's wackiest necks, but I challenge you all to go forth and find mo better of thems.

The Only Relevant Parts of Streams' Multiple Self Posts

2011-12-20T19:16:00.005-06:00

Congratulations to CABC 2011 Taintsman and O'Douls Connoisseur SKC as the Playoff & Consolation Round Point Champion

Airboats Lose

2011-12-20T13:53:00.001-06:00

I tip my hat to you, ADL.

I hope you represent the AFC with pride and defeat the dreaded BEN.

I don't need to remind you, but..

BEN must be stopped.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

A Message to the Airboats

2011-12-18T21:20:00.000-06:00

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Merry Xmas Reeder

2011-12-18T19:23:00.000-06:00

A Humble Offering from the Airboats

2011-12-18T13:52:00.000-06:00

I offer up this collection of images and GIFs to the Fantasy Football Gods in the name of the Selfish Airboats.

Please guide my team to victory.

Godspeed Airboats. Godspeed.

Gibbons' Travels

2011-12-18T11:34:00.001-06:00

CABC Takes Manhattan

2011-12-17T00:43:00.001-06:00

POODIE TANG

2011-12-15T18:40:00.000-06:00

First off, congratulations to all of you bungtards that are kicking off in the playoffs tonight. Good luck and Tebow-speed.
Having been left out of the playoffs and playing only for pride these days, a significant amount of my time spent perusing the interwebs has been freed up. Naturally, I filled the void by googling photos of ugly poodles. Consider my best of the best an early Xmas present:

This is a football blog, right?


Ripley the toy poodle's hair was so matted when he was found in a ditch that he couldn't see or move. We've all opened the dryer lint drawer and discovered our own little Ripley

Sniffing butts before it was cool

This little guy is Verne Troyer's most reliable means of conveyance. True story.


*actually made of legos


I feel so, so bad for this guy('s dog)


A delight for particular Koreans who wish to "taste the rainbow"

THE HORROR

CABC 2011: CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW

2011-12-15T13:44:00.002-06:00

GAME ON!!!!!!!!!

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

A Stabbin’ Dude With Raditude (JBF, 7-7) VS. Ninja Vanish (BEN, 11-3)

Anderson, your thoughts?

Thanks, Anderson.

This rivalry started back in August of 2000 when two young men met awkwardly next to a Slider and Blues pinball machine. The lanky black boy and pudgy jew shared glances wondering what it would take to make A. Mann go away. They would only discover years later that his weakness was water, explained by his lack of bathing. Fast-forward 10 years, JBF and BEN are still sharing inelegant looks. These two gentlemen first faced off Week 1, with BEN taking the game 173-95.5. In their second meeting this year, the Roethlisberger-less Ninjas didn’t even break 100 points as JBF handed BEN his first loss of the season, 181-92. Now, in Week 15, Big Ben is again injured and missing practice, putting BNerd’s championship chances in jeopardy. Add this to the fact that JBF is coming off a season-high 215-point performance and this NFC battle is guaranteed to be one for the history books.

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

Repeat? I Got This (ADL, 9-5) VS. The Selfish Airboats (ARB, 11-3)

The Sport of Kings

ARB’s losses seem like ancient history as he’s been able to rattle off eight straight wins leading up to the playoffs. But while his road to this point may have been bumpier, ADL is still the defending champ. And with a team that was only half auto drafted this year, the Repeats still have a chance to return to the Big Game. Things will get off to a quick start tonight when MJD goes up against Matty Ice and Roddy White in a Thursday game that I doubt anyone will pay much attention to. And then there’s the Saturday night game that will be the focus of all CABC eyes as the Cows travel to Tampa in the wildcard hunt. It’s been a great season for both of these competitors, but there can be only one Highlander. The odds say bet on ARB, but ADL has to be the crowd favorite in this matchup.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

Just a Gangster, I Suppose

2011-12-15T13:36:00.002-06:00

And I want my corners.

Sam Hurd ain't no suit wearing businessman.

PS: Hey Bears, how are your Cowboys pickups working of for you this season?

A Business Proposition

2011-12-14T19:19:00.005-06:00

CABC

Soooooo, CP3 has officially left the Hornets.

I say we let the them fester for a bit, then get a few hundred bucks together and buy the team.

I'm thinking of an all CABC lineup and coaching staff would fit the Hornets nicely...

Center: SKR. I heard another dude named Robinson did okay here. I think we stick with what works

Power Forward: GMF. We need a big body down in the paint to play the low post game.

Small Forward: BEN. A versatile player, but with a history of injury.

Shooting Guard: RER. Every team needs a player to relentlessly jack up threes and look good doing it.

Point Guard: ADL. Like a heavily accessorized, slightly blacker version of CP3.

6th Man: SKC. Gives us a spark off the bench. May have to change his name to something Latino to draw in the crowds. I like "Stanuelo," personally.

Asst. Coach: RSR. Stays on the level of the players, relates with them easily.

Coach: JBF. Simply loves the game. Years of video games is all the training he needs.

Executive Vice President: MMB. Dude knows how to wear a suit. Excellent fall guy if this whole thing goes tits up.

General Manager: ARB. Gonna make sooooo many spreadsheets. Will maximize team BPAOBJP.

Team Ownership: Collective year to year. Finish 1st in fantasy: 10 votes, 2nd: 9 votes, etc. Majority rules.

Basketball Strategy: Psychological warfare. We do our research, and then unleash devilish trash talk during the games. Also, we take a fuck ton of charges

Business Strategy: Pay ourselves just enough to get welfare money to keep the franchise afloat. Flirt heavily with Seattle and eventually get them to build us a new stadium there.

Sound good to everybody? Probably need at least 90 bucks from each of you if we're gonna make this happen, so save some of that Christmas money.

Ok, good talk. See you out there.

The Candyman Cometh

2011-12-13T23:08:00.000-06:00

In honor of our own personal candyman, ADL, here's my favorite (and the definitive) video outlining Lamar's personal obsession...

And in honor of Streams' generally douchebaggery, here's an ad for ARB's favorite fragrance...

Now if you'll excuse me, while you gentlemen are "playing off," SKC, MMB, and I will be hanging out by RSR's garage door, discussing the advantages of skinny jeans.

Ohhhh You Bitch (UPDATE)

2011-12-13T16:44:00.006-06:00

Dramatic Re-Enactment of the Event.

I called the local police today because I had been robbed. When I explained what happened, they told me that I hadn't technically been robbed and there was nothing they could do.

So I called the state police. Same response.

Then I called the FBI. I explained to them in great detail what happened, and they said they would look into it, but that I shouldn't get my hopes up.

With no place left to turn, I present my evidence to you:

Exhibit A:

You can't put breasts that large next to a whisky that fine. You just can't.

What choice do you have except to buy? They've got you by the root.

Exhibit B:

This is like putting cigarette ads into kids shows, except a thousand times more devious.

This is the advertisement all but has a gun to the head of the consumer.

Exhibit C:

Is she pouring it for Draper, Sterling, or you?

My money was forcibly taken from me by a third party.

That's robbery to me. I just don't know what else to call.

UPDATE:

It turns out that Costanza was correct: important things come in a case.

She's glorious.

After a 240 point week, the Airboats deserved this.

RSR Performance; JBF/SKR Smackdown Review

2011-12-13T15:30:00.008-06:00

Leaving the pristine lands of America to travel to the prettier, lawless* albeit darker America (stilled ruled by Britain?), Turks & Caicos, the Kittens left with a tiny bit of optimism.

Returning from T&C, I saw Streams' season-record point total of 240.5, not to mention some drunk self-appreciative-pleasure text from the Airboat himself.

Congratulations to JBF for the victory over SKR.

*There is absolutely no regulation on that island. Islanders encouraged drunk boating, there are no stop signs/lights, no regard to sealife protection. I LOVED IT.

KAZAKHSTANI MAYHEM

2011-12-13T01:09:00.001-06:00

The carnage is best around the :26 mark. Also great is how the parents/supporters are cheering afterwards.

Touchdowns and Photobombs

2011-12-12T21:32:00.002-06:00

Aaron Rodgers is clearly great a three things: touchdown, banging Erin Andrews, and photo bombs. For More....

Peak Tebow

2011-12-11T19:24:00.004-06:00

Tebow

Gentlemen, I've run the numbers, and I've got some troubling news.

Since his discovery in week 7, global Tebow production rates have risen sharply each week culminating in a mathematically-impossible overtime comeback against the Bears in week 14. Sadly, our sources for new Tebow production appear to be dwindling. Our main sources of Tebow, 4th quarter comebacks, overtime victories, and Christian proselytizing, have already reached an unsustainable level.

I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but I believe we've hit Peak Tebow.

Sure, some will dismiss this claim out of hand and loudly announce that Peak Tebow is football-traditionalist myth propitiated by the media to scare the Denver front office into drafting a quarterback in 2012. But where, pray tell, is there more Tebow to be had than what we saw in week 14?

Some will point you towards the Canadian Football Sands and tell you that there would be heaps of Tebow there, if only he would suit up. But the truth of the matter is this: the Canadian Football Sands would only produce an expensive to extract and hard to refine form of Tebow; an inferior Tebow.

Others will tell you that more Tebow can be extracted by "blacking", a potentially dangerous and environmentally unfriendly method of producing Tebow in which ESPN and other large corporations write various ill-advised "What if Tebow were [insert different Race/Religion]?"columns.

I think the only responsible policy moving forward is to focus on Alternative-Tebow technology like a strong running game, a solid defensive secondary, and turnover reduction.

Elvis Akpla

2011-12-11T15:25:00.001-06:00

2011-12-11T10:50:00.001-06:00

CABC 2011: WEEK 14 PREVIEW

2011-12-10T12:33:00.001-06:00

Maybe Rick Perry can help us save Community

Ninja Vanish (BEN, 11-2) at Afternoon Hangover (MMB, 6-7)

Following a few disappointing weeks, BEN seems to be running on all cylinders just in time for the playoffs. The Ninjas were able to post 45points on Thursday evening even with Roethlisberger playing with a gimp leg andjacked up hand. It hasn’t been a glamorous season for MMB, but he has puttogether two critical wins here as the season winds down. Should the AfternoonHangover pull off the upset this week, they will improve to a respectable .500on the season. The record is respectable—the man is not.

Bye Week (RER, 4-9) at Manning the Clipboard (SKC, 2-11)

Inconsequential.

Repeat? I Got This (ADL, 8-5) at Terrence Cody’s Tit Gypsies(GMF, 5-8)

It has been a disappointing season for the Tit Gypsies.While his first pick of Mike Vick was a complete bust, it’s his final pick thatshould be applauded now as the season winds down. GMF drafted future SM HOF’er(eligible 2012) Samuel Onyedikachi Acho as CABC’s Mr. Irrelevant. He wasrelegated to the practice squad soon after, but returns to the lineup this weekand expects to start against ADL and the Repeats. Acho stands to improve totop-15 status at the D-End position, over perennial Pro-Bowlers Umenyiora andJulius Peppers. These late season reps are critical for young players, as GMsare scouting for future drafts. Expect Sam to go in the mid- to late-rounds in2012 and make an immediate impact for any team.

Baiters Gonna Bait (SKR, 6-7) at A Stabbin Dude WithRaditude (JBF, 6-7)

Somebody get Michael Buffer on the line because shit isabout to go down. After 13 weeks, it comes down to this final matchup of theregular season to finalize the playoff picture in the NFC. The Baiters comeinto this game following a loss to MMB’s tandem of Manning and Nicks. Now SKRloses Fred Davis, his lone TE, to a violation of the league’s substance abusepolicy. Apparently “Marijuana Suspension” is a suspension due to marijuana use,not a suspension of marijuana use. Without any remaining waiver pickups, theBaiters are forced to play this and any remaining games with one man down.

The Selfish Airboats (ARB, 10-3) at Kittens Riding Turtles(RSR, 7-6)

The previous matchup only comes into play if RSR falls tothe mighty Airboats this week. ARB’s Steeler duo of Mendenhall and Mike Wallacewere both held to fewer than ten points in their Thursday night outing againstthe Browns, so the Kittens won’t have too much trouble making up this deficit,even without the help of AD. If RSR were to win this game, it would mean arepeat of last year’s playoffs. Snoozefest. I hope everyone does their best tomake sure he gets locked in a closet without a phone, making it impossible tochange his lineups and causing him irreparable mental damage for years to come.In the friendliest way possible, of course.

Fuck That Guy

2011-12-08T12:56:00.006-06:00

While I had no problem if the shit stain that is CJ signed somewhere else this offseason, the Angels. Really, the fucking Angels. Fuck you CJ, fuck you. I'm going to enjoy watching you get pummeled by the Ranger bats 5 games a year. Someone like the glorious Derek Holland would never be such a dick.

See, he's even hanging out with that cheerleader that is dating David Nelson, probably already banged her. Kid's got game. I think he is on the same page as me on this one too.

Essentially, fuck you CJ Wilson, good riddance and this is my new favorite blog, after CABC of course.

http://www.cjwilsonisadouche.com/

Decoding The Playoffs

2011-12-06T14:53:00.000-06:00

Three of the four teams competing for the CABC championship have already been determined.

Our three heroes scamper towards the playoffs.

ADL, ARB, and BEN are in.

We've had 13 weeks of football. You'd think we'd know who was in the playoffs. And yet here we are...

Three teams are fighting for the final spot: JBF, RSR, and SKR. Here are the NFC standings:

1. Ninja Vanish!, BEN - 11-2 OVR, Locked 1st place in NFC and playoff spot.

2. Kittens Riding Turtles, RSR, 7-6 OVR, 3-5 DIV, 1968.5 PF

3. A Stabbin Dude With Raditude, JBF, 6-7 OVR, 3-4 DIV, 1956.5 PF

4. Baiters Gone 'Bait, SKR, 6-7 OVR, 4-3 DIV, 1908.0 PF

5. Manning the Clipboard, SKC, Taintsman

With only one week left to play, these are the relevant games:

ARB at RSR

SKR at JBF

Who will Wishbone pick?

This thing is gonna end one of three ways:

Scenario 1: RSR defeats ARB. RSR finishes 8-6. SKR@JBF doesn't matter. RSR advances to playoffs.

Scenario 2: ARB defeats RSR. JBF defeats SKR. RSR and JBF both finish 7-7. RSR and JBF split their head to head games. JBF breaks tie with RSR by owning the stronger divisional record. JBF advances to playoffs.

Scenario 3: ARB defeats RSR. SKR defeats JBF. RSR and SKR both finish 7-7. SKR swept RSR in their head to head games. SKR breaks tie based on head to head wins over RSR. SKR advances to playoffs.

Best of luck to all involved.

Absoloute Greatness

2011-12-06T14:12:00.000-06:00

Community + The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo + Trent Reznor = Greatness

Mashed Potato!

2011-12-05T17:24:00.001-06:00

Streams Upon Ponder's 40.5 Sunday

2011-12-05T11:56:00.004-06:00

ACHO

2011-12-01T23:51:00.001-06:00

Big Sam Acho in the AZ Republic Today

CABC 2011: WEEK 13 PREVIEW

2011-12-01T17:59:00.001-06:00

Can you hear that?

Every time a Mike Leach gets a job, amediocre Texas high school quarterback gets his wings.

Bye Week (RER, 4-8) at Repeat (ADL, 7-5)

RER has dropped five games in a row, including oneheartbreaking tie against the Baiters. The season cannot be over any sooner forRER so he can get back to making crank calls to local radio stations. Now theBye Weeks come into this penultimate matchup as 20-point dogs to ADL. TheRepeats need some serious help from their receiving corps if they hope to makeit back to the championship. Last week prime producers Dez and Vincent Jacksoncombined for only 6 points. It may take a little gambling with Decker and ahalf-healthy Andre Johnson to take down his remaining competition.

Afternoon Hangover (MMB, 5-7) at Baiters (SKR, 6-6)

LeSean McCoy was held to 31 rushing yards Sunday against NewEngland, but he is expected to hit the century mark again in tonight’s game atSeattle. While MMB took himself out of the Taintsman conversation with lastweek’s win over The Clipboards, he can still play spoiler as he goes up againstSKR. The Baiters seem to win or lose based on the performance of LeGarretteBlount. The Bucs Back goes up against Carolina’s league’s worst run-defensethis week, but anything can happen as the division rivals face each other forthe first time this season.

Kittens Riding Turtles (RSR, 7-5) at Ninja Vanish (BEN,10-2)

Lil B has dropped two straight games to potential playofffoes and gets a preview of his current first round matchup this weekend. TheNinjas took this game in Week two, thanks to an embarrassing Ravens loss andinjury to Antonio Gates. But the new-look Kittens are a force to be reckonedwith now that Tom Brady and DeMarco Murray are in charge. A third loss in a rowmight send BEN to the waiver wire. DeSean Jackson may be helping out the Eagleshere and there, but his seven-week touchdown drought has definitely hurt theNinjas.

Stabbin Dude (JBF, 6-6) at Tit Gypsies (GMF, 4-8)

This rematch reminds me of this one time in a deer blind… In other news, I wish the Dallas Cowboys luck as I stalk them around the desert this weekend.

Airboats (ARB, 9-3) at Manning (SKC, 2-10)

There has been some mention of ARB’s starters being restedthis week, but it’s hard to know if that will be enough of an advantage for SKCto pull out the win. John Skelton’s interceptions negate any good passes hemakes to Larry Fitzgerald and Earl Bennett has faded with the loss of JayCutler. [Editor’s note: Now that No-Shave No-Vember is over, we can focus onDecember’s campaign. That would be the fight to keep Taint in Taintsmas.Goddamn liberal media.]

CABC PLAYOFF PRIMER: WHO'S IN, WHO'S OUT, & WHO'S STILL GRINDING

2011-12-01T16:17:00.001-06:00

Well said.

Let's get down to business.
IN:

"You wouldn't understand." -BEN & ARB

BEN, Ninja Vanish! - Locked up 1 seed in the NFC

ARB, The Selfish Airboats - Locked up 1 seed in the AFC

OUT:

Clearly.

SKC, Manning The Clipboard - Locked up last place in CABC and The Taintsman

RER, BYE WEEK - Currently tied for last place in the AFC, eliminated from playoffs

GMF, Terrance Cody's Tit Gypsies - Currently tied for last place in the AFC, eliminated from playoffs.

STILL GRINDING:


"You can't see the haters if you can't see over the steering wheel." -Verne Troyer*

"... and herein, as the Bard would tell us, lies the rub."

MMB, Afternoon Hangover - 5-7, 3-5 AFC, 1907 PF

MMB needs some help to secure a playoff spot this season, but anything can happen with only two games remaining. Specifically, MMB must win out and ADL must drop his remaining two games. This would leave MMB and ADL tied at 7-7 overall and 3-5 division records. The next tie breaker would be points. MMB currently trails ADL by 115 points. MMB needs to go nuts the next two weeks to even have a chance at overcoming that deficit.

SKR, Baiters Gone 'Bait - 6-6, 4-3 NFC, 1746.5 PF

Let me first say this: the NFC playoff race is going to come down to the wire. SKR, JBF, and RSR are withing a game of one another and fighting for the last remaining playoff spot. Although SKR is a game back of RSR, SKR holds the head-to-head tiebreaker. Division record and points for are now irrelevant when determining SKR's playoff potential against RSR. Against JBF, SKR controls his own destiny: A win in week 16 means jumping JBF in the standings by virtue of splitting the season series, and SKR owning the better divisional record.

JBF, A Stabbin Dude with Raditude - 6-6, 3-4 NFC, 1814.5 PF

Although JBF is one game back with two to play, I expect he's pretty pleased with his circumstance. JBF controls his own destiny against SKR in the final week of the season (JBF would hold the head-to-head tie-breaker), RSR plays BEN this week and ARB next week. If RSR falters against BEN, JBF controls his own destiny: JBF over SKR in Week 14 would give JBF the head-to-head tie-breaker over SKR, and the divisional tie-breaker over RSR. If RSR falters against ARB (but beats BEN), JBF must defeat SKR to finish with an identical season and divisional record as RSR, and it would come down to points for. RSR currently sits just 15 points ahead of JBF, which means anything could happen.

RSR, Kittens Riding Turtles - 7-5, 3-4 NFC, 1829.5 PF

No matter what disadvantages lay ahead for RSR, he would be in the playoffs if the season ended today. That being said, RSR desperately needs to win out against BEN and ARB. Dropping either game would expose him to one of the unhappy scenarios above. Losing both games would erase any playoff hopes for RSR (JBF and SKR play each other, the winner would be tied with RSR overall and would own the divisional tie-breaker.)

ADL, Repeat? I GOT THIS - 7-5, 3-3 AFC, 2022 PF

Just kidding, MMB. ADL owns the head-to-head tie-breaker. He's locked up the 2 seed in the AFC.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

BONUS:

It's Swansons, all the way down.

Tots! Tots! Tots!

2011-11-30T00:08:00.002-06:00

I knew he had a mistress, but who knew Stanley had this much game.

Tumblr of the Day: The Same Picture of Dave Coulier Every Day

2011-11-29T18:42:00.003-06:00

Click The Coulier for The Tumblr

New ESPN Fantasy App?

2011-11-29T18:10:00.001-06:00

BEN The Day After TGiving

2011-11-25T22:05:00.001-06:00

CABC 2011: WEEK 11 PREVIEW

2011-11-24T11:46:00.001-06:00

RIVALRY WEEK! COWBOYS! TURKEY! KARAOKE!

Repeat (ADL, 7-4) at Baiters (SKR, 5-6) - - - The “Peaked Too Soon” Bowl

The magic number for Mr. L is down to 1 as he picked up aLion-sized win over MMB last week. Even with Darren McFadden still riding thepine, the Repeats have been able to rely on solid outings from MJD and DEZ. Andwith the possibility of Andre Ocho Cero making his first start since weekthree, ADL has the chance to fine-tune his team between now and the playoffs.Half a point is really uncharacteristic of Greg Jennings, as is 30.5 for Mr. Blount.Still, the Baiters were seriously outscored last week and are barely projectedto crack the century mark in this matchup. If SKR hopes to make the playoffshe’s going to have to work some roster magic, and I don’t think that meansstarting Tebow and CJ.

Bye Week (RER, 4-7) at Kittens (RSR, 6-5) - - - Bruder Kampf

What do you get when you have two ambiguously gay brothers,their girlfriends, a drunken friend with a big mouth, and a lothario named Lee?It’s not the newest NBC sitcom, it’s Thanksgiving Eve with the Brothers R! Thisis a critical matchup as RSR fights for his opportunity in the playoffs and RERcontinues to run away from Taintsman consideration.

Tit Gypsies (GMF, 4-7) at Raditude (JBF, 5-6) - - - The Battle for Potomac

By picking up Ryan Grant at the last second to replace FredJackson, GMF has set up quite a trap game for his brother. But JBF will notstand for these eleventh hour shenanigans. Here’s a quick hint G, probably notthe best idea to piss off the person making your Thanksgiving meal while yousit on the sofa watching football. I hear that herpatitis can be realunpleasant. Bon appetite!

Ninja Vanish (BEN, 10-1) at Airboats (ARB, 8-3) - - - Seriously, Go Fuck Yourself Guys

Now that BEN has finally dropped a game 11 weeks into theseason, he is expected to put his foot down on the gas and drive Ms. Daisystraight to the playoffs. The Airboats are hoping to get off to a quick starttoday as the Lions will send Suh after Aaron Rodgers all day, which could leadto an interesting point swing.

Clipboard (SKC, 2-9) at Hangover (MMB, 4-7) - - - The Providence Sweepstakes

If SKC can pull out the victory this week he’ll have another contender in the fight for the taintsman. But this is no easy task, especially with Jay Cutler recovering on the sideline. But there’s no guarantee the Afternoon Hangover will be able to play ball as Rex Grossman is unlikely to have a repeat performance of his game against the Boys. Also, kudos to MB for pulling out all of his football knowledge to chat up CABC-adjacent, Mr. L Owen, last night. I think he was almost as impressed as I was.

China!

2011-11-20T21:10:00.002-06:00

If this is what comes along with our future Chinese overlords, then I'm pretty excited.

COWS RULE, SKINS DROOL!

2011-11-20T19:03:00.000-06:00

Get it, gurrrrl!

BOYS WIN!!!

PS: AIRBOAT!!!

Aw, fuck it

2011-11-19T11:39:00.001-06:00

CABC 2011: WEEK 11 PREVIEW

2011-11-18T18:12:00.001-06:00

10 Weeks down, 4 to go. DANCE WITH ME!

Kittens (RSR, 5-5) at Clipboard (SKC, 2-8)

Oh shit, you mean to tell me that RSR has been on some sortof win streak since pulling a killer bait and switch on S.Nerd?!?! This threegame swing has been enough to turn him into a real contender in the NFC. NowSKC has to go up against Tom Brady and DeMarco Murray without the help ofDrooBweez or his stellar safety tandem. The one thing Skelly has going for himis his new home in South Dallas. While drinking non-alcoholic beer in the ParkCities might be humiliating, in the OC it’s just another personality quirkdesigned to grab attention of other hipsters. So congrats, SKC, you’re going tofit right in.

Hangover (MMB, 4-6) at Repeat (ADL, 6-4)

These two gents have been residents of the WASP hamlet ofHighland Park for a combined 50 years. Yet somehow in that time neither one haswon a Cy Young award, been drafted to the NFL, or even tried to kill RonaldReagan. Fact is, private school makes you soft. Good thing we have Twin withenough testosterone and public school street smarts to make up for the rest ofus. Speaking of testosterone, y’all see Blipster-in-Chief Von Miller lay thesmackdown on El Sanchez? ADL now takes a 30-point lead going into the weekendwhile MMB and the entire Giants offense will have to fight their way back inprimetime Sunday night.

Raditude (JBF, 4-6) at Ninja Vanish (BEN, 10-0)

Aaron Rodgers gets a scrimmage at home against Tampa Baythis week in his continued domination of both the NFL and CABC. His worst gameof the season came back in Week 3 when he had a disappointing outing againstChicago, turning in only 3 touchdowns for 26 points. Quelle disgrace! After running some numbers, had GMF notJaMarcused the first overall pick and taken Rodgers, he could be sitting at 6-4right now fighting for a coveted AFC playoff spot. But instead, Professor Blackhas rattled off 10 wins in a row and expects to continue this run through thefinal weeks of the season. But guess what, Barryville sucks old car tires andso does Martin Luther Ki--no…He does not suck old car tires, he was one of thegreatest men in history. I’m sorry. Sometimes I get competitive.

Bye Week (RER, 4-6) at Airboats (ARB, 7-3)

After rattling off four wins in weeks 4-7, RER hassandwiched them with another three losses. With the rest of their season on theroad, the Bye Weeks have an uphill battle to snag the second AFC playoff spot.Rookies Cam Newton and Chris Ponder face off as the A1 players on each team,with Bradford and Ryan bringing up the rear. Even with ARB coming in as the15-point favorite, expect this matchup to be closer than predicted.

Baiters (SKR, 5-5) at Tit Gypsies (GMF, 3-7)

Carson Palmer’s stat line of 5 TDs, 7 INTs, and 42 points has actually been enough to keep SNerd in the NFC conversation. In fact his forced benching of Adrian Peterson week 7 to give him the season sweep over the Kittens could be key to clinching a spot in the playoffs. The Tit Gypsies are in serious trouble at the moment. Even with the Amish Rifle 1:2 TD to INT ratio the past few weeks hasn’t been enough to increase the workload on Fred Jackson. Even Victor Cruz could see a diminished role should the Giants have other healthy receiving options. The fact is, there are two players who can save GMF from 2100 alcohol-free calories: Dan Bailey and Patrick Willis who combined give the Tit Gypsies almost 20 points every week.

Week 11 Picks: Picks of Destiny

2011-11-17T20:01:00.005-06:00

I forgot to post last week's picks. Sorry about that.

ARB This Season: 42-36-4
ARB Last Week: 19-11-0
BEN This Season: 32-22-3
BEN Last Week: 19-11-0
ARBvBEN GotW: 2-2-0

The Picks:

Away	Home	Line	ARB	BEN
NYJ	DEN	+4.5	NYJ	NYJ
CIN	BAL	-6.5	BAL	BAL
OAK	MIN	+1	OAK	MIN
JAC	CLE	-1.5	JAC	CLE
CAR	DET	-6.5	DET	DET
TB	GB	-11.5	GB	GB
BUF	MIA	+2	BUF	BUF
DAL	WAS	+6	DAL	DAL
ARI	SF	-10	ARI	ARI
SEA	STL	-2.5	STL	STL
TEN	ATL	-6.5	ATL	ATL
SD	CHI	-2.5	CHI	SD
PHI	NYG	-3	NYG	PHI
KC	NE	-13	NE	NE

ARB vs BEN Game of the Week:

This week, the San Diego Chargers visit the Chicago Bears Sunday afternoon. The Bears are favored by 2.5 points.

ARB lays the favorite, BEN takes the dog.

This week, these two handsome gentlemen will be betting...

Mmmm... Heart Disease...

Barbeque! The loser will treat the winner to a meal at his barbeque restaurant of choice.

"I'm a business, man." -Milo

Gibbons & Milo's Insider Lock of the Week

"Greenies are for closers." -Gibbons

Dallas getting 6 on the road! Here's my thinking: the Redskins are terrible and the Cowboys are good. Let's bet on the good team.

BONUS:

Degenerate Gambler's Parlay of the Week:

Dallas Cowboys -8
Green Bay Packers -14.5
St. Louis Rams -3

Risk $100 to win $664.09

I'm not thrilled to be betting this, to be honest with you. I'm not in love with any of the games this week, but I like these three the most. Laying the favorite when it's a 14.5 line physically injures me, but the Packers are incredible this season. The Rams will fuck us on this one for sure.

Week 10 Review: Taintsman Power Rankings

2011-11-17T17:13:00.006-06:00

Miniature Giraffe Optional

Occupy Golf Course was an overwhelming success.

TO THE RANKINGS:

10. Ninja Vanish!, BEN. Odds to win: ~~500/1~~ OFF

BEN doing his happy dance

Sadly, BEN is mathematically eliminated from winning the Taintsman. No near-beers for him.

9. The Selfish Airboats, ARB. Odds to win: ~~100/1~~ OFF

That mouse can dance.

ARB has also been mathematically eliminated from winning. There's always next year.

8. Repeat? I GOT THIS, ADL. Odds to win: ~~80/1~~ OFF

ADL sucks at losing. What a loser.

For Taintsman victory, ADL needs a time machine. Sorry big guy.

7. Baiters Gonna 'Bait, SKR. Odds to win: 24/1

SKR might nab the Taintsman, but it's a long shot

Alright, now we're talking. SKR is only three games out of last place with four to play. He'll need to dig especially deep to overcome a strong 4-3 divisional record, and he'll need SKC to do him a solid and win a game or two. At 24/1, SKR is a long shot to win, but he's still in the hunt.

6. Kittens Riding Turtles, RSR. Odds to win: 19/1

Things started off badly between RSR and his new girlfriend, but they found a way to make it work.

RSR has got a few things going for him if he wants to nab the Taintsman: a weak divisional record, a chance to gift SKC a victory, and the will to lose. Sadly, RSR has a pretty great team and he's probably going to destroy SKC when they play this week. BUT! If RSR drops a game to SKC, it's anybody's game.

5. BYE WEEK, RER. Odds to win: 11/1

RER had a promising start to the season, but never ended up going anywhere

After RER dropped his first three games, it looked like a Taintsman victory was a fait accompli. Sadly, RER went on a four game winning streak to seriously damage his chances. Of course, he proceeded to lose the next three games after that, so there's hope that RER has returned to form. Like RSR, RER plays SKC and therefore controls his own destiny. Can this team get on a roll?

4. Afternoon Hangover, MMB. Odds to win: 5/1

He's got a point.

MMB is our first serious Taintsman contender. He's only two games off the pace. He faces three tough opponents and SKC. If SKC pulls out a victory against MMB, MMB could go .500 the rest of the season and still nab the Taintsman. He's not the favorite, but no one can deny that MMB is still a strong bet for Taintsman glory.

3. A Stabbin Dude With Raditude, JBF. Odds to win: 11/4

JBF, CABC's 2010 last place finisher, does not like O'Douls. (Alt Text: "Fuck to you!")

In what looks like a clear scheduling error, JBF plays his brother and fellow Taintsman contender in back to back weeks. This unique scheduling allows for a huge swing in the race to last place. JBF also plays the undefeated BEN this week. With any luck, he could drop three games in three weeks and be the heavy favorite going into Taintsman-Bowl Weekend.

2. Terrence Cody's Tit Gypsies, GMF. Odds to win: 3/2

If GMF could use the force, I really wonder how he might use it.

GMF is the prohibitive favorite for Taintsman in the AFC. Only one game back of our leader, GMF is hurt badly by his head-to-head victory over SKC. If GMF wants to taste that sweet, sweet O'Doul's, he'll have to win outright. GMF has had the moxy to continue to lose those close games, but he'll need to bring his game to a new level if he wants to keep the Taintsman trophy in the F household.

1. Manning the Clipboard, SKC. Odds to win: 2/3

Do I look like Samuel L. Jackson?

SKC has turned in a stunningly strong performance this season. Success starts at the top, and as you see in this photo, SKC has made some questionable decisions. The next four weeks will be very difficult, SKC has the right team, schedule, and mindset win it all. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the man who never posts had to post a photo of himself drinking O'Doul's here every day?

Good talk, see you out there.

PS: I'm taking all bets on who gets the Taintsman. Parlays, teasers, over-under total final wins, Taintsman runner up. All of it. If you've got a wager, I'll set the odds.

PPS: SKC is Week 10 Champion, Dreamboat is Week 10 MVP.

Trainwrecks of the Week

2011-11-14T00:52:00.004-06:00

CABC 2011: WEEK 10 PREVIEW

2011-11-11T03:19:00.001-06:00

Week 10 takes us on the road to beautiful Pebble Beach for the 1st Annual CABC Am-Am Classic.

Occupy Golf Course!

Preview Action after the

Baiters Gonna Bait (SKR, 4-5) at Manning The Clipboard (SKC,2-7)

The Baiters eeked out a win [can we call it that] last week,an episode some are still calling for the review of. But no matter the result,he can at least count on a victory this week. SKC’s team is bad. It’s time tohit the waiver wire. Already this week Michael Bush ran for 36 points and FreeAgent Denarius Moore tallied another 27 for the Raydahs. Take a look aroundClipboards, there are some great intangibles there. Take Captain Munnerlyn. Notonly is he a highly ranked DB, his name commands respect like those of othergreat leaders, Dwight or Robert. Maybe Charlie Peprah. Fact, in a repeat ofthat classic American tale, his last name came about when Charlie moved to thiscountry and the registrar at Plano East Senior High School named him after theDr. Pepper can sitting on her desk. Then he became a stud for the Super Bowlwinning Packers. Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Just Win Baby?

Hangover (MMB, 3-6) at Tit Gypsies (GMF, 3-6)

GMF has 3 of Cleveland’s RBs, and not a damn one of themplays. Even McCoy, who has a cupcake game against the Rams, is getting benchedin favor of Josh Freeman. But that can be expected this time of year. Days getshorter. Winter weather rolls in. Mohamed Massaquoi has a concussion. WebMDthat shit--you’ve got the Cleveland Frowns*. Congrats MMB, you get another W by starting 3 RBs. Let's see how long this can last.

Found this "news" on RotoWire. 10 minutes ago. Crennel works for KC. Grantham is at UGA. Fail.

Repeat (ADL, 6-3) at Selfish Airboats (6-3)

Weak showings from Rivers and VJackson have ADL on the ropesearly. This is a crucial matchup as the winner likely avoids BNew in the firstround of the rapidly approaching playoffs. With Matt Ryan coming into form, hemight be able to spread the wealth and get Roddy a nice long bomb this week.Expect the Airboats to roll unless Willis McGahee has another monster outing.[Insert photo of ADL Tebowing]

Stabbin Dude (JBF, 4-5) at Kittens Riding Turtles (RSR, 4-5)

With BEN sealing up the NFC race, it comes down to whoplaces second and who gets left out. This week, these two contenders duke itout for weekly supremacy. The Kittens have the fortune of cupcakes matches forskill players, with the exception of Adrian Peterson. JBF on the other hand ismaking a late move to his bench, calling on Jonathan Stewart to write him alullaby and sing the rest of the Raditide team to a gentle slumber where pointsgrow on trees and the sacks flow like sweetberrywine.

Ninja Vanish (BEN, 9-0) at Bye Week (RER, 4-5)

Should the point gods shed their glorious rescoring light onour friends, the Bye Weeks, this could become a different matchup. As itstands, BEN looks to destroy another AFC opponent. And if RER were to fall tosix losses without any remaining waiver pickups, he would again be inconsideration for the Taintsman award. His efforts would best be spentcampaigning to stick another competitor with the Taintsman. He who finishesninth actually makes out pretty well in this whole thing. This runner up to thetitle of Taint shall thus be dubbed “Peri-Perineum”. All the ridicule withoutthe humiliation. Best of luck, gents.

*Many thanks to friend of CABC, bryanjoiner.com/

Post from the Future

2011-11-11T00:01:00.000-06:00

Kitten Assault [NSFW] [NSFL] [WAYOR]

2011-11-10T18:15:00.001-06:00

In a truly gruesome event, some sicko uploaded this video of a kitten mauling.

2011-11-09T07:53:00.001-06:00

Tumblr of the Day: The Kitten Covers

2011-11-08T20:14:00.004-06:00

Today's Tumblr quickly became a KRT favorite, The Kitten Covers.

Week 9 Review: OCCUPY GOLF COURSE

2011-11-08T19:11:00.004-06:00

[Sploosh]

Things get started on Thursday this week in more ways than one. Oakland visits San Diego to kick off Thursday Night Football in 2011, but the real story is the new-found political activism here at CABC.

Beginning on Thursday, a select group of CABC members will take a public stand on a very important political issue:

Did you know that 99% of rounds under par are shot by only 1% of golfers?

THIS INJUSTICE MUST END!!!

OCCUPY GOLF COURSE!!!

To right this injustice, ARB, JBF, MMB, and SKC are bravely traveling to Pebble Beach, California to stage a "golf-in". These courageous freedom fighters have made it their mission to give these scratch-golfing fat cats a taste of their own medicine!

Pebble Beach will be their Normandy beach as they bravely battle the ferocious beauty of Pebble Beach Golf Links and the exclusive grandeur of the Cypress Point Club.

If none of these men return, just know that they fought for what they believed in: lower handicaps for each and every golfer.

God speed, gentlemen.

To the Week 9 Games:

Play him off, keyboard cat...

Repeat? I GOT THIS (ADL) over Manning The Clipboard (SKC), 227.5 - 142.5

Looking at the final score of this game, it's almost impossible for me to believe that at halftime during the late games, SKC was actually projected to win this thing. I wish I took a screenshot. Well, moments after the games started back up, Repeat went to town and never looked back. This incredible late game performance was led by our Week 9 MVP Willis McGahee, and it was good enough to win ADL the Week 9 Championship by a wide margin. SKC is now firmly in the lead to grab the 2011 Taintsman, and ADL is sitting pretty atop the AFC.

BEN is a samurai warrior slicing through the league

Ninja Vanish! (BEN) over Terance Cody's Tit Gypsies (GMF), 167- 145.5

Another week, another BEN victory. [Yawns, falls asleep for an hour, abruptly wakes up when the DVR automatically changes channels and the Southpark music starts playing, looks around, mutes TV, falls back asleep, dreams of BEN losing a fucking game this fucking century, wakes up with a boner, turns on Franklin and Bash, farts, falls asleep again.] It should be noted that BEN is mathematically eliminated from being league Taintsman this year, and is close to guaranteeing himself a playoff spot.

RSR victoriously tea-bagging MMB

Kittens Riding Turtles (RSR) over Afternoon Hangover (MMB), 160.5 - 150.5

The only two blonde members of CABC went at it this week in what pundits are calling the "Statistically One of You Has Blonde Pubes and is Therefore a Fucking Weirdo" Bowl. The Turtles outlasted the Hangover in an extremely close game that came down to a pair of Eagles players slugging it out. In the end, LeSean McCoy's performance simply wasn't enough to get the win. It should be noted that if MMB had picked up a kicker or if Heyward-Bey played at all, this game could easily have gone the other way.

ARB thinks this painting deserves to be in the Louvre

The Selfish Airboats (ARB) over A Stabbin Dude With Raditude (JBF), 193 - 146

This game looked close early, but the Airboats ran away with this one. Both of these teams are currently sitting at second place in their divisions, but neither has a firm grasp on a playoff spot. Since these teams don't play each other for the remainder of the season, trade rumors have surfaced that involve several high-caliber skill players. These rumors are baseless, and Herman Cain never even met that bitch.

Who is it gonna be?

Baiters Gonna 'Bait (SKR) over BYE WEEK (RER), 142 - 142 (Bench Points)

Well, well, well! Look what we have here! A good old fashioned TIE!!! SKR trailed RER 9.5 points heading into Monday Night Football. The Baiters had only one player remaining: Bears' linebacker Brian Urlacher. Through sixty minutes of battling, through TFLs, PDs, and hard hits, Urlacher finished the night with exactly 9.5 points. The game was tied, but CABC must be sated! A winner must be chosen! Long ago, The High Counsel of CABC* decreed that all ties would be decided by bench points, and therefore, SKR and the Baiters were victorious.

But all is not lost for BYE WEEK: ESPN scores and stats aren't official until Saturday afternoon, and defensive rescores are shockingly frequent. One half-tackle here or there could end up pushing BYE WEEK over the Baiters, and right back into playoff contention in the AFC.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

*The High Counsel of CABC consists of ARB and Milo, with Gibbons voting in case of a tie.

COWS WIN

2011-11-06T16:13:00.000-06:00

WHOOOOOOO!!!!

Party time!

REED?

2011-11-06T08:02:00.001-06:00

CABC 2011: WEEK 9 PREVIEW

2011-11-05T13:38:00.000-05:00

With the first Tuesday after the first Monday in Novembercreeping up on us, I figured it was an appropriate time to analyze the GOPPresidential candidates vis-à-vis CABC. Geaux Tigers!

Tit Gypsies (GMF, 3-5) at Ninjas (BEN, 8-0)

If I were to ignore the whole crazy Mormon thing, which Iwon’t, BEN is the Mitt Romney of CABC. This week the 200 Million-Dollar Manclaimed that he considered himself part of the 99%. Similarly, Bernard cansocialize with les misérables ofthe league, but he clearly is a cut above having an almost guaranteed spot inthe playoffs. He can afford to drop a game here and there, but he’s probablygoing to be the last man standing at the end of the race. This week Romnew goesup against GMF, our Gingrich. Newt could be replaced as the mascot of the TitGypsies without missing a beat. Even when Gingrich was the only candidate inthe race he still wasn’t the favorite. GMF had the first pick in the draft andnow he has dropped two straight games and tied for last in the AFC. It’s only amatter of time before this crazy old man gets back to his first passion,dinosaurs.

Vote Gingwich

Bye Week (RER, 4-4) at Baiters (SKR, 3-5)

Following his MNF Overtime loss this week, RER has foundhimself in the position of Texas Governor Rick Parry [sic, courtesy of ColbertSuper PAC]. The Bye Weeks had been on a solid win streak but just hit a NewHampshire sized brick wall of crazy. Perry could quickly recover with a cupcakevictory over Buddy Roemer. Despite his experience, old man Roemer hasn’tgarnered much national attention. But just when you think SKR has won his lastgame of the year after trading away his two best players for some Mardi Grasbeads and a hand-job, he gets to face RER minus Cam Newton and Calvin Johnsonand down a handful of role players.

Oh yeah, he's totally gay. Care to weigh in, RER?

Clipboard (SKC, 2-6) at Repeat (ADL, 5-3)

Jon Huntsman is the former US Ambassador to China. China iswhere SKC will likely go to bury his head when he finally becomes the 2011 Manof Taints. Perhaps Mr. C will be able to share his non-alcoholic O’Doul’s withJon or one of his daughters. This whole Mormon shit is really starting to getto me. I know Bush doesn’t drink any more, but he fucking earned his sobriety. Andthen there’s ADL, the creepy Herman Cain of CABC. Losing to BEN might have beenthe kick in the dick the Repeats needed to get them through the rest of theseason. Much like that kick in the dick was the kick in the dick Herman Cainneeded to catapult him to national relevancy. Win or lose, I hope Black Walnut takes a page out of the Palin playbook and becomes a mainstay of realitytelevision for years to come.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Indecision 2012 - Ruh Roh Edition

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Stabbin Dude (JBF, 4-4) at Airboats (ARB, 5-3)

For better or worse, JBF knew Santorum before it was cool. Thanks to Dan Savage, Rick will be part of the scat lexicon for future generations. After a brief skid, JBF returned from the bowels of mediocrity back to regularity this week. This movement back to fecundity was critical if the Stabbin Dudes hope to float to the upper-deck of the NFC. Now JBF hopes to shit all over the Airboats. Poop. ARB is CABC’s Ron Paul. Part genius, part lunatic, the Gyno From Galveston doesn’t care what people think about him--much like our fearless leader. And with Matt Ryan and Matt Forte returning from their off weeks, count on the Airboats to Laissez-faire all over this place.

Kittens (RSR, 3-5) at Hangover (MMB, 3-5)

And then there’s Michele Bachmann, The Queen of the CornDog. RSR personifies her just won’t quit attitude. We wish he would quit. Theway the NFC is going, as long as the Kittens flirt with .500 they have a strongshot at making the playoffs. Last but not least, there’s MMB. Still the worstperson in the world in my book for his textual tantrum, he is a naturalKarl Rove. How can you live with yourself, sir?

I'm an atheist and I still find this offensive.

Week 8 Picks: LSU-BAMA

2011-11-05T12:37:00.006-05:00

Gambling: Money's arch nemesis

ARB This Season: 23-25-4
ARB Last Week: 3-8-2
BEN This Season: 13-11-3
BEN Last Week: 6-5-2
ARBvBEN GotW: 1-2-0

The Picks:

Away	Home	Line	ARB	BEN
SF	WAS	+2.5	SF	SF
NYJ	BUF	+1.5	BUF	BUF
SEA	DAL	-13	DAL	DAL
MIA	KC	-4.5	KC	MIA
TB	NO	-9.5	NO	NO
CLE	HOU	-9	HOU	HOU
ATL	IND	+6	ATL	ATL
DEN	OAK	-5.5	OAK	OAK
CIN	TEN	-3	CIN	CIN
GB	SD	+3.5	GB	GB
NYG	NE	-7.5	NE	NE
STL	ARI	-3.5	STL	STL
BAL	PIT	-3	PIT	PIT
CHI	PHI	-8	CHI	PHI

ARB vs BEN Game of the Week:

This week, the LSU Tigers visit the Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa. LSU@Bama +4.5

ARB takes LSU and the points. BEN lays Bama and gives the points.

This week, these two handsome gentlemen will be betting...

NomNomNom

Burgers and Beer! The winner will receive all the burgers, french fries, and beers they desire at the restaurant of their choosing. Loser pays.

"Winners get paid." -Milo

Gibbons & Milo's Insider Lock of the Week

"Straight cash, homie." -Gibbons

OAKLAND getting 5.5 at home! This is Week 2 of G&M's infallible and pat tented "Bet Against Tebow" strategy. FREE MONEY PEOPLE!!!

BONUS:

Degenerate Gambler's Parlay of the Week:

LSU to win outright +165
Texas Tech +14.5
Vanderbilt +14

Risk $100 to win $826.25

Let's call this the "Extreme Homer Parlay". We're rooting for Bama, Texas, and Florida to lose. I realize that some of you will have qualms about rooting against good ol' UT, but you need to get the fuck over that. UT doesn't deserve to be 14.5 point favorites over Tech. Let's cash this thing.

Week 8 Review: Power Rankings

2011-11-03T17:15:00.005-05:00

"Problem?" -BEN

With more than half the season gone, the CABC playoff picture is as murky as ever.

No team is more than two games out of a playoff spot in their division, and many teams still have over half their divisional games left to play. Since no clarity can be gleaned from each teams record, here's a brief overview of each team's chances, ranked from worst to first.

SKC: Analrapist. Never-Nude. Taintsman?

10. SKC, Manning The Clipboard, 2-6
(2-4 NFC, 1141 PF, 1222 PA)

After a series of bad beats and close games to start the season, The Clipboard has lost their last three games by an average of over 40 points. Despite a crucial injury to Ahmad Bradshaw, all is not lost. Clipboard's remaining schedule is laden with home games and middle-of-the-road opponents. His key players have their bye-weeks behind them, and there is no where to go but up.

SKR's Managerial Style on display.

9. SKR, Baiters Gonna 'Bait, 3-5
(3-3 NFC, 1170.5 PF, 1323 PA)

The Baiters may look back at this season with a good deal of regret. Some would accuse SKR of trading away their best player for an Ivy Leaguer and an invalid. They would be right. For better or worse, the Baiters' fate is now tied to the corpse of Chris Johnson. Hopefully he will end his holdout soon. This team's remaining schedule is slightly tougher than average, but each match-up is winnable.

This photo is unrelated to RSR, but it was recently Halloween and I wanted to post it.

8. RSR, Kittens Riding Turtles, 3-5
(1-4 NFC, 1202.5 PF, 1281 PA)

The Turtles are a team on the rise. After a blockbuster trade with SKR, this team is poised to make a strong run at a playoff spot. Rookie phenom DeMarco Murray joins Timothy Brady, Adrian Peterson, and an elite defense for the remainder of the season. The Turtles are coming off a tight win over TCTG that earned them the Week 8 Championship. The future looks sunny for RSR and The Turtles, but with only 3 wins (1 in the NFC), this team has their work cut out for them.

Enjoy college, GMF.

7. GMF, Terrence Cody's Tit Gypsies, 3-5

(2-4 AFC, 1284 PF, 1315.5 PA)
If you look past this team's 3-5 record, you begin to realize that they're pretty damn solid. Of TCTG's four losses, two were by fewer than 5 points and two were to teams who put up over 200 points. Tough losses to take, but hardly indicative of this team's quality. Michael Vick and Fred Jackson playing well, and barring injury, look to finish the season strong. That's the good news. The bad news is that TCTG faces the toughest remaining schedule of any team in CABC. This team has the firepower to get wins against anybody, but they'll likely need a tiebreaker in their favor to advance to the playoffs.

Is RER for real?

6. RER, BYE WEEK, 4-4
(4-2 AFC, 1161 PF, 1267 PA)

BYE WEEK is a hard team to figure out. After an 0-3 start, RER righted the ship and currently sits at .500 overall and more importantly, he's beaten every team in the AFC. Of course, this strong divisional and head-to-head record will only come into play if he picks up one game on either ARB or ADL. This is certainly possible, but five of BYE WEEK's next six games are on the road. For a team that hasn't put up incredible point totals, those 10 point swings could spell disaster. That being said, RER is still in a strong position with those tiebreakers, and anything can happen down the stretch.

MMB has made some mistakes this season

5. MMB, Afternoon Hangover, 3-5
(2-4 AFC, 1321.5 PF, 1332.5 PA)

Despite a very respectable 1321.5 points for this season, the Gods have seen fit to punish MMB with a 3-5 record. The Hangover ended their two game slide with a win over rival SKC in a crucial game with strong Taintsman implications. The first half of the season was filled with bad beats for The Hangover, but the schedule looks relatively easy down the stretch. If this team can put together a winning streak, a weak divisional record could easily be overcome to grab a playoff spot.

"Protests! Ha!" -JBF

4. JBF, A Stabbin Dude With Raditude, 4-4
(2-3 NFC, 1240.5 PF, 1295.5 PA)

Following last year's Taintsman-worthy performance, JBF has bounced back with a fairly respectable season. Raditude's above-average offense and defense has led him to the .500 mark that would earn him a playoff spot if the season ended today. Raditude's remaining schedule is manageable, but not easy. With any luck, BEN will continue his NFC dominance and allow JBF to coast into the playoffs with only an above average record.

ADL rarely smokes, but when he does, he uses NyanCat

3. ADL, Repeat? I GOT THIS, 5-3
(2-2 AFC, 1323 PF, 1254.5 PA)

ADL is in an extremely tight race for first place in the AFC with only 6.5 points separating Repeat and the Airboats. Despite fairly solid performances, Repeat is only 2-2 in the AFC this season. If ADL wants to live up to his team name, he'll need to make his division games count to grab the playoff tiebreakers. With Andre Johnson finally returning from injury, expect Repeat to improve their already above-average performance.

"Haters to the left." -ARB

2. ARB, The Selfish Airboats, 5-3
(4-2 AFC, 1329.5 PF, 1238 PA)

After a one-sided victory over SKR last week, ARB has claimed his rightful place atop the AFC. The Airboats have the heart of a champion this year, but injuries on the defense are piling up. ARB currently has the stronger divisional record, a head-to-head win, and more points than ADL, but all of that could easily change down the stretch. If the Airboats' defensive core can stay healthy, ARB expects to make a strong run at the top playoff seed in the AFC.

"Turtle Power, indeed." -BEN

1. BEN, Ninja Vanish!, 8-0
(6-0 NFC, 1401.5 PF, 1046 PA)

BEN has the best record, by far. BEN has the most points for, by far. BEN has the least points against, by far. Barring a complete meltdown, Vanish! is going to the playoffs this season. With the return of Steven Jackson, your Week 8 MVP, Vanish!'s offense has only grown stronger. Although Vanish!'s remaining schedule is slightly more difficult than average, this team could easily finish the season .500 and keep all three playoff tiebreakers. See you in the playoffs, you Turtle-loving SoB.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.

EDIT: Here are the league's tie-breaking rules for those that asked.

Our league has 2 divisions of 5 teams each. The top two teams from each division advance to the playoffs. We will seed the playoffs manually by division. Top two overall records advance, with ties being broken by head-to-head record, then division record, then regular season total points, then a fist fight.

Dallas Sports Weekend Blackout

2011-11-01T12:31:00.005-05:00

While I am still waiting for the Rangers to play Game 6 of the World Series, leading 3-2 in the Series against Pooholes' Cardinals, let me remind everyone about the greatest moment in Dallas Sports this decade.

For those that do remember this weekend's sports outcomes let these cheer you up.

Get your shit together Cowboys.

CABC 2011: WEEK 8 PREVIEW

2011-10-29T20:41:00.000-05:00

Guess, what guys? The Stars are 7-3 and leading the Pacific Division! Plenty of room on the bandwagon. Halloween is on Monday and I would bet that half of youeither have not yet figured out your costume or will be abstaining altogether[I’m looking at you, Greg]. Follow the jump to get this week’s preview and somelast minute costume advice.

Hangover (2-5) at Clipboard (2-5)

Now that we have hit the season’s halfway point, the battlefor the title of Taintsman has started to heat up. The Clipboard and Hangover faceeach other in their first rivalry game this season. But while MMB is trying tokeep his head above water, Kelly could find himself in the NFC playoffdiscussion with a win. I think SKC should dress up as Justin Timberlake becauselike the former N’Sync-ster, Mr. C hasn’t had any hits since his victory of2007. Newman would be a great costume for MB. Sometimes we really can’t standtheir antics, but they’re often vital as the punch line of a joke.

Raditude (3-4) at Bye Week (4-3)

JBF is on a two game skid while RER’s stock continues torise as he cruised to his fourth straight victory last week. 12th Round selection Cam Newton and Megatron have combined for more than 1/3 of theBye Week’s points this season. But with an injured running back corps and JordyNelson resting at home, RER won’t have it easy trying to take down A StabbinDude, who would be doing shame to himself and his family if he did not dresslike Herman Cain. As an avid SimCity Mayor (Ballsville, MD Pop: 3.8 Million),JBF was all too familiar with Cain’s 999 plan. He liked it even more when itwas a special deal for a trio of 2-topping large pizzas on Tuesdays Carry-Out Only. RER hasto pull off something spooky, like making masks of all the troll guy faces.That way he wouldn’t have to say anything, he could just change faces dependingon the mood of the moment.

Baiters (3-4) at Airboats (4-3)

The Baiters lucked out in his week 7 win over his ~~jerk~~ trade-buddy, RSR. Tebow came through inthe clutch last week and Jennings did what Jennings do. Now with Fitzpatrick and CJ in the game it is time to see how this team will fare without Peterson leading the way. Ray Rice is looking to make up for his performance last week and should have no trouble in this home game against the Cardinals. I know that he has been busy recently with his newjob, but SKR promised me he was going to post something to CABC this week.Seems like everyone has been letting me down recently. I think the Baitersshould remember a much scummier time in their life and channel his inner KeithStone on Halloween. No sleeves, a mustache, and beer—shouldn’t be toodifficult. And someone’s got to go sexy right? ARB all the way baby. I suggesthe go as a newly confirmed priest who tells hot chicks he’s never had sexbefore. There are enough freaky/drunk Catholic ~~boys~~ girls who will fall for that gagand I think he’s just the man for the job.

Tit Gypsies (3-4) at Turtles (2-5)

Boasting a revamped offense, the Turtles should have notrouble dispatching their opponent this weekend, especially with Murraybecoming the feature back for the Cowboys. Fred Jackson returns for the TitGypsies, but it might not be enough to overcome the rest of his mediocrelineup. I think that GMF would make a great Ron Swanson. Since he is usuallyreluctant to participate in any organized event that doesn’t revolve aroundbarbecued meats or miniature horses, everyone’s favorite mustachioed bureaucratis a perfect fit for Terrence Cody and his Tit Gypsies this All Hallow’s Eve.When it comes to RSR, it’s animals or nothing. Who wouldn’t love to see himdressed in all pink, trying to stand on one leg like a flamingo all night.

I know more than you.

Repeat (5-2) at Ninja (7-0)

This week’s marquee matchup, undefeated Ninja Jr. hosts AFCleading Repeat Jr. But with Andre Johnson taking the cautious route andMcFadden on bye, ADL might have to go fishing for free agents to remaincompetitive with BEN. Not to rely solely on race, but Eugene has aresponsibility to us, his TV obsessed friends, to dress up as the Pride ofElgin, Mr. Chalky White. If a black man can't dress up and wear a suit on Halloween when can he? ADL might think about being a superhero. Not only canBatman beat the crap out of those Hippie OWS nutjobs, but his new vidja game ispretty fun, too.

nana nana nana nana LASS-MAN!

Week 7 Picks: The 1%

2011-10-29T18:32:00.003-05:00

This is you

ARB This Season: 20-17-2
ARB Last Week: 5-7-1
BEN This Season: 7-6-1
BEN Last Week: 6-6-1
ARBvBEN GotW: 1-1-0

The picks:

Away	Home	Line	ARB	BEN
IND	TEN	-10.5	TEN	IND
MIN	CAR	-3.5	CAR	MIN
JAC	HOU	-10	HOU	HOU
NO	STL	+15.5	NO	NO
MIA	NYG	-10.5	NYG	MIA
ARI	BAL	-13	BAL	ARI
WAS	BUF	-4.5	BUF	BUF
DET	DEN	+3.5	DET	DET
NE	PIT	+2.5	NE	PIT
CIN	SEA	+1	SEA	SEA
CLE	SF	-10	CLE	CLE
DAL	PHI	-3.5	DAL	DAL
SD	KC	+3.5	SD	SD

ARB vs BEN Game of the Week:

The Minnesota Vikings visit the Carolina Panthers, and they're getting 3.5 points.

BEN takes Vikings, gets the points. ARB lays the Panthers, gives the points.

This week, these two handsome gentlemen will be betting...

NOMNOMNOM

Sushi! The winner will get a delicious Japanese meal, paid for by the loser.

"Mo' money, mo' problems." -Milo

Gibbons & Milo's Insider Lock of the Week

"Money for nothing & the chicks for free." -Gibbons

DETROIT giving 3.5 on the road. Saint Tebow be damned! Megatron bows to no one. The Broncos are incredibly terrible. This is free money

BONUS:

Degenerate Gambler's Parlay of the Week:

Carolina Panthers -3.5
Buffalo Bills -5
San Francisco 49ers -9

Risk $100 to win $611.57

Bad beat last week, but this week we get to root against the Vikings, the Redskins, and the Browns. I like that.

ESPN's New Slogan

2011-10-29T16:18:00.001-05:00

Just over his left shoulder.

This guy was slightly less subtle.

CABC Got a Puppy, and a New Nemesis

2011-10-26T18:21:00.002-05:00

With ARush's monopoly on Gibbons, aka Captain Leaf Eater , CABC members have to turn to The Internetz for their fixes of adorable.

May I introduce Bandit:

With the introduction of Bandit comes a new enemy, one common for all pups. ICECUBES.

Gibbons, aka The Extreme Racist, also hates this Icecube.

Week 7 Review: GIFs a Plenty

2011-10-26T16:43:00.001-05:00

Blogggggin'

To business:

Let me start out this week by saying that BEN has the lowest point against by 157.5 point margin.
That's some fucking bullshit.

On the other hand, MMB, who is 2-5, has scored only 15.5 fewer points than ADL, who is 5-2.
That's karma.

The AFC has scored 5611 points this season compared to the NFC's 5488. These differences can largely be attributed the distribution of bye-weeks, and I expect these numbers to narrow after Week 10.

BEN, ARB, and RER have all taken strong divisional game leads, a key playoff tie-breaker. No other teams have above a .500 division record.

After an 0-3 start, RER has turned his season around with a four game home win streak. Five of RER's next seven games are away, and so far RER hasn't managed a win on the road.

Scoring was down both CABC-wide this week, and SKR, our Week 7 Champion, scored only 182 points.

Despite a record-breaking game, DeMarco Murray is not your Week 7 MVP. That honor belongs to Arian Foster and his 53.5 points.

Alright, good talk. See you out there

How I Feel After Tonight's Game

2011-10-24T00:15:00.003-05:00