UNLIKELY MATCHUP: FLOWER POWER vs POWER FLOUR

HIPPIES

vs.

COKE-HEADS

A hippie and a coke-head get in a street fight, who wins?

Pork Paradise: The Bacon Explosion

Here's the thing about bacon: it's really, really bad for you, but it tastes really, really good. In that respect, bacon is like lots of things: beer, whiskey, whisky, gin, applejack, tequila, scotch, honey mead, hard cider, Cognac, and rum.

If bacon is like alcohol, consider The Bacon Explosion a four day Everclear-fueled mega-bender--it's pretty great once a year, but if you did it any more than that your organs would probably explode (see: Mardi Gras).

Here's what you're gonna need:

LEBRON JAMES: THE WITCH-KING OF AKRON

  

In The Lord of the Rings, The Nazgul were former kings who became demons because they cared for rings of power more than their own humanity.

The leader of the Nazgul was the Witch-king of Angmar.

LeBron was King James, but he forsook his own humanity for an NBA Championship ring.

I humbly suggest that King James should now be referred to as "Lebron James, The Witch-king of Akron, Forward, The Miami Nazgul."

There was a prophecy about The Witch-king of Angmar:

"Do not pursue him! He will not return to these lands. Far off yet is his doom, and not by the hand of man will he fall."

The Witch-king himself took the prophecy to mean that he couldn't be killed outright, but he ended up being killed by a woman and a hobbit.

I predict that this prophecy will hold for our newly minted Witch-King of Akron. LeBron James will suffer some great misfortune at the hands of a woman or a child. I doubt that he'll be killed outright, but I guess we'll see.